


Redemption

by artemiskitty



Series: Mistakes [2]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-13
Updated: 2019-06-09
Packaged: 2019-07-12 00:11:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 41
Words: 117,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15983459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artemiskitty/pseuds/artemiskitty
Summary: Alex and Olivia have almost given up hope on having the family they wanted, until a health crisis and a chance meeting change everything. Follows canon through season 9-ish. Set in early 2011, 3 years after the end of Mistakes. Some story lines are better explained if you've read my first storyContent warnings: There is no physical violence taking place in this story, but there are references to past violence against main characters, as well as references to rape and sexual abuse of a child. Warning for pregnancy loss and miscarriage.





	1. Chapter 1

Alex yawned as she reached over to turn off the alarm clock, groaning when she had to shift slightly out from under Olivia's body to get the snooze button.

"Morning, love," she said softly when Olivia opened her eyes. She turned and pressed a kiss to the sensitive part of Alex's neck as Alex brought her hands across Olivia's bare back.

"Good morning," Olivia replied, finally pushing herself off of Alex enough to kiss her on the lips. "I hope it's a good morning."

Alex smiled. "Me too. How can it not be a good morning after last night?"

"I think you're going to be the death of me, Lex," Olivia said, smiling. "I'm getting too old for this."

"Yeah, but what a way to go," Alex retorted, stroking Olivia's breast. "But Liv?"

"Yeah?"

"Let's not get our hopes up just yet. I want to be optimistic, but…"

"I'm trying not to," Olivia said. "I think we need to be prepared if this doesn't work out the way we want it to."

Alex nodded. "No matter what happens in there today, I love you."

"I love you, too. I know I have everything I need right here. I just…"

Alex put a finger on her lips. "Me too, Liv. Me too."

They clung to each other as they kissed, and Olivia pulled away first. "I don't think I can do this again if it doesn't work out."

"Then we won't," Alex said simply, threading her fingers in Olivia's hair and pulling their foreheads together. "We agreed that if it got to be too much for one of us, we'd stop."

"I feel like we're giving up," Olivia whispered, choking back a tear.

"Hey," Alex kissed her, wiping her cheek. "We're not giving up yet. Let's just see what happens today, okay?" Olivia nodded.

A thump against the bedroom door and a loud 'meow!' made both of them laugh.

"I guess we better go feed the petite bête," Alex said, pulling off the sheet and out from underneath Olivia. "She's mad she didn't get to cuddle last night."

"Well, if she hadn't come in and started biting me right when I was in the middle of something, she wouldn't have gotten kicked out. I wasn't about to let her back in after that."

"She just doesn't like it when we cuddle without her." Alex explained.

"I like it better when we cuddle without her."

"Don't let her hear you say that, or she'll never leave us alone."

"She's a cat, Lex. She can deal with the door being closed once in a while."

Alex slipped into her robe and handed Olivia hers before opening the door.

"I'll put on the coffee and then I'll join you?" Olivia asked.

"Sure," Alex said, smiling over her shoulder. "And then we'll go see about our baby."

\----------

Olivia gripped Alex's hand as they walked home under the grey spring drizzle from the adoption agency on West 86th street later that morning.

"I should call Elliot to let him know I'm not coming in." Olivia said, pulling her phone out of her pocket.

"I already told them I might be 'working from home' today. I'll email once we get back." Alex replied. "Send him a text. He knows what we were doing today; he'll understand."

Olivia nodded and stopped walking so she could write the message.

"Hey," Alex said as they approached a park entrance. "How about we take a walk through the park, head down to Zabar's for lunch, and then walk back up?"

"Yeah, that sounds good," Olivia agreed. She slipped her phone back into her pocket, ignoring the buzzing from Elliot's reply, and took Alex's hand again.

They had barely walked a hundred yards through the park entrance when Olivia stopped and stared. A dozen toddlers, all wearing bright neon safety vests, were each holding on to a handle attached to a rope, held at each end by a teacher. The walking schoolbus turned in front of them, heading into the playground, and as soon as the gate was closed, the children ran to the slides, laughing and yelling.

"On second thought, maybe we should just go home," Olivia said quietly.

Alex put her hand on Olivia's back and turned her around towards the street. "If that's what you want, Liv," she agreed.

Once they got back inside the apartment, Alex wrapped her arms around Olivia without saying a word. When she felt Olivia relax a little, she hung up their coats and put her purse and her keys on the table by the door.

"Go sit down, Liv," she said, kissing Olivia gently on the cheek. "I'll make us some tea."

When she returned, she didn't find Olivia sitting on the couch in the living room as she expected, so she headed down the hall into the spare bedroom and found the door ajar. Alex put the tray with the teacups on the side table and slid into the recliner next to Olivia, who held a teddy bear on her lap. She slipped her arm behind Olivia's shoulders and pulled her in close, and took Olivia's hand and the arm of the teddy bear with her other hand.

"Liv," she whispered, leaning her head on Olivia's shoulder. "Talk to me? Please?"

Olivia's eyes filled up with tears as she looked around the room at the cherry crib and changing table and the Winnie-the-Pooh decorations on light turquoise walls.

"We'd make good parents, Lex," she choked out. "I don't know why we're not good enough."

"Me neither, Liv," Alex agreed, rubbing her thumb over bear fuzz and Olivia's fingers.

"It's not fair. All the abused and neglected kids we see every day, and somehow we're…"

"It's not fair."

"Did they even say why? I wasn't really paying attention."

Alex shook her head. "Does it matter? I wasn't really paying attention either, to be honest. Someone was cutting off the circulation in my hand."

"Sorry," Olivia said sheepishly. She picked up the two cups of tea and handed one to Alex, taking a sip of her own.

"I'm sorry too," Alex whispered. "I'm sorry I can't give you what you want."

"Hey, don't talk like that," Olivia soothed. "You've already given me so much more than I ever wanted or thought I'd get. To be honest, I'd already given up on having kids before we got together. I'll get used to the idea again."

They sat in silence for a while. The cat pushed open the door and stretched theatrically, before she jumped onto Olivia's lap and curled up with the teddy bear, purring. Olivia scratched behind her ears and she burrowed her head into her leg.

"I guess she's forgiven you for last night," Alex said, petting his back. "Or she knows that kitty cuddles make everything better."

Olivia smiled through her tears. "Artemis kitty cuddles and Alex cuddles. I've got everything I need right here." She pressed a kiss to Alex's forehead. "I love you," she whispered.

"I love you too," Alex replied. She opened her arms and held Olivia for a while as she cried, going over the interview in her mind. She had screwed it up. She was sure of it.

When Olivia's breathing slowed, Alex took both empty teacups and placed them back on the table, and ran her fingers through Olivia's hair and down her back. "Liv?" she murmured. "What do you say about going up to the Vineyard for the weekend? Neither of us is on call, and if we leave soon, we'll be up there in time for dinner, and we can take a walk on the beach, curl up in front of the fire… I think it would be good for us to have some time away to decompress and… grieve."

Olivia nodded. "I think that's a good idea."

Alex got up and leaned over to kiss Olivia. "You can stay here a bit longer. I'll pack some things for you and call Sarah to take care of the cat while we're gone."

After a few more minutes, Olivia pushed the cat off her lap and got up, replacing the teddy bear in a corner of the crib and turning off the light as she took one last look around before closing the door.

She went to the bathroom and splashed cold water on her face, and then went to the kitchen, pausing at the bedroom door when she heard Alex on the phone.

"I screwed up, Liz. They were asking us about the dangers of Olivia's job and I pointed out that Olivia had never been shot but that I had. It was a stupid thing to say. They probably thought we're in too much mortal danger to adopt." Alex let out a heavy breath.

Olivia crept into the bedroom and put her arms around Alex from the back, then kissed her neck from behind. "It's not your fault, Lex." She waited for Alex to say goodbye to Liz, her chin resting on Alex's shoulder. "It's nobody's fault."

Alex tossed her phone on the bed and turned around in Olivia's arms. "I don't know what we're going to do, Liv."

"Get another cat?" Olivia joked, but it fell flat. "I guess we're just… not going to have kids."

"Maybe I could try one more time," Alex suggested.

Olivia shook her head vigorously. "No, sweetie. Remember how awful it was the last time? And the doctor said it was 'highly unlikely' that you'd ever be able to carry a pregnancy to term. I don't want to put you through that again for those odds. I need you, Lex."

"My eggs are fine," Alex pointed out. "It's just my uterus that's… defective."

"You're not defective, sweetie." Olivia kissed the top of Alex's head. "Do you have everything we need?"

"I do. We can stop along the way to get some groceries before we get on the ferry, and Sarah will be here any minute to get the key—" The buzzer rang, and Olivia went to the intercom to buzz her up. "— And I just need to grab my book and my briefcase on the way out. That way we have my laptop with Netflix, and case files in case we're dying to do work."

Olivia rolled her eyes. "Okay, I'm just going to stick a book in here, and maybe my sketchbook, too." She pulled a few items from the book shelf and stuck them in the duffle bag Alex had prepared.

"Hi sweetheart," Alex said as she opened the front door. "Come in and make yourself at home."

Sarah stepped into the apartment and gave Alex a hug. "Hi, Alex, hi Olivia," she said, putting her purse on the table.

"Good to see you again, Sarah. How's school going?" Olivia asked.

Sarah decided to ignore the fact that both women had puffy red eyes and looked like they had been crying. "It's good. I can't believe the semester's half over. I only have six weeks of classes left before exams."

"The DA's office is meeting to do the final round of hiring for summer interns next week," Alex said, grabbing a couple bottles of water from the fridge. "So you should hear something soon."

"Good to know. I'm keeping my fingers crossed," Sarah said.

"Anyway, thanks for doing this on such short notice. We decided we needed to get out of the city for a few days."

Sarah nodded. "Of course. It's not a problem at all."

Alex handed her a key ring with their spare key. "You're welcome to stay here overnight if you want. There's some leftover takeout in the fridge that won't be good when we get back, so help yourself if you want some. As usual, no booze, no wild parties… Do you want me to put some sheets on the couch for you? Or will you be okay in the spare bedroom if you stay?"

"The spare bedroom is fine, Alex. I might take you up on that. I think my roommate's boyfriend is coming this afternoon, so they might want some, uh, privacy."

"Okay. You know where the cat food is, where the takeout menus and the remotes for the TV and DVD player are, and you have both of our phone numbers in case you need anything. Do you need anything else?"

Sarah shook her head. "I'll be fine, Alex. Go have a good weekend. You both look like you could use it."

Alex smiled. "Thanks, Sarah. If you're around this summer, we'll bring you up with us some weekend if you want."

"And if you do decide to go back to campus and it's dark, or you're up there and you want to come back here, take a cab and we'll give you the money for it. Don't be taking the subway by yourself at night. Stay safe," Olivia added, hugging her.

"Yes, Mom," Sarah joked. She sobered quickly when she noticed the hurt look on Olivia's face and the tears that started building up in her eyes again.

"C'mon, Liv, let's get going so we can get on the 5:30 ferry," Alex said softly, taking Olivia's hand. "Have a good weekend, Sarah."

They grabbed the overnight bag and Alex's briefcase and headed downstairs.

"You okay, Liv?" Alex asked softly once they were in the elevator.

"Yeah. She didn't know," Olivia replied, wiping away a tear again.

"No, she didn't." Alex agreed. "She wasn't being malicious."

"I'm overreacting."

"You're allowed to hurt, Liv," Alex reassured her, placing a soft kiss on her cheek. "Let's grab some coffees and get going. I want to curl up next to you in front of the fire and smell the ocean."

"Me too." Olivia agreed, and went to get the coffees while Alex got the car from the parking garage.

A few hours later, they were standing on the balcony of the ferry to Edgartown, and Olivia had just come back from the bar with two glasses of red wine. She took Alex's free hand again and sipped her drink, looking out onto the ocean.

They sat in silence, neither really sure what to say, until their wine was almost gone. "Lex?" she said softly, looking over to see how beautiful Alex looked with her hair whipping in the breeze.

"Yeah, Liv?"

"What if I tried it? I know we agreed it wasn't a great idea, but…"

"You're high risk. And you have a dangerous, physically taxing job."

"So delivery would be high risk, but 'advanced maternal age' has to do more with egg quality than delivery. Like you said, your eggs are fine. Kathy had Eli at 42 and they were both perfectly fine, car accident and premature delivery notwithstanding."

"My eggs, your uterus? Whose sperm? Elliot's?"

Olivia grimaced. "Eww, gross. Don't even say that. We'd get a donor, again. Maybe even one of the ones we tried before." She looked into Alex's eyes. "Look, before your second miscarriage, before Nate, before—" she waved her hand in the air "all of this, IVF for me wasn't a great option. But it's the only option we have left, if this is what we want."

"It is what I want, Liv, but it's still not a great option."

"Well, short of some rogue judge granting us guardianship of a random unclaimed child who shows up at SVU some day, I'm not sure what other options we have. I'm healthy and in good shape, and I've still got a few years before menopause. It's not that outside the realm of possibility, is it? Why don't I get a checkup, and we can ask the doctor about the risks based on my health? And if she says it's too risky, then we'll be no worse off than we are right now."

"I just thought you didn't want to try anymore. And I'm not sure how much more disappointment we can take."

"I don't want to get rejected by any more adoption agencies or have another baby taken back from us. And I certainly don't want you to risk your health again. But if we don't at least look into this option, don't you think we'll always regret it? At least if we try, even just once, we'll know."

"I suppose. Just one doctor's appointment, and then we'll discuss it. Let's not agree to anything more than that before we know what the risks will be."

"Deal." Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex, kissing her deeply. "You know, gay marriage is legal here," she whispered in Alex's ear.

"I'm from Massachusetts; I'm aware. But I'd rather wait until it's legal in New York," Alex whispered back. "Besides, nobody's asked me yet."

"Hm, that's too bad. You seem like you'd be quite the catch." She pressed a kiss below Alex's ear.

"Liv, couch, fireplace… Not here with an audience."

Olivia nodded and gave her a peck on the cheek. "I'm going to take these glasses back. Meet you down at the car? Looks like we'll be there in a few minutes."


	2. Chapter 2

Olivia carried the groceries into the house forty-five minutes later, and started putting things away in the fridge.

"Lex? Do you want me to try not to burn spaghetti, or do you want to go out?"

"Let's stay in tonight and just relax, okay? I can help with the spaghetti if you want. I manage to not burn things, mostly."

"I've got it, Lex. You relax. Want to open the wine, though?"

Olivia put some water on to boil as Alex poured two glasses and sat down at the bar with a crossword puzzle. "I always feel better as soon as I smell the ocean," Alex said, as she opened the sliding glass door out onto the deck. It was overcast and cool, but the breeze smelled nice and salty.

"Yeah, it's nice to come out here to get away," Olivia agreed. "There's something about the ocean… and of course, it's much nicer here than at Coney Island."

Alex snorted. "That's hardly a beach. This is a beach."

She sat back down to watch Olivia heat up some frozen hamburger and pour a jar of tomato sauce into the skillet. "So far, so good," Olivia said, watching Alex watch her. "It's not burning yet."

"I'm so proud," Alex said dryly. Her phone buzzed on the counter.

"I thought you turned it off when we left," Olivia said.

"It's on Do Not Disturb mode, so only my favorite contacts can call or text. You, Bill, Liz, or Abbie." Alex explained. Olivia rolled her eyes at the fancy setting. "I told Bill we were coming and he wants to know if we want privacy or company. He says they'd love to come down to see us tomorrow or Sunday if we're up for it." Alex shrugged. "What do you think?"

"Up to you, sweetie. Might be nice to see them, but it might also be nice to curl up, just the two of us."

"I'll tell him maybe Sunday, and we'll let him know tomorrow afternoon how we're feeling. I kind of want some quiet time just with you, too. We haven't had much of that these past few weeks."

Olivia nodded and stirred the sauce once more before taking two plates from the cabinet and serving.

After a mostly silent dinner, they brought the rest of their wine into the living room, where Alex started a fire. Olivia pulled out a knit blanket from the closet, and bit her lip as a tiny blue sock fell out when she unfolded it. She sat back on the couch against the armrest, turning the sock over in her hands.

"I wonder how they're doing," Olivia said as Alex leaned back against her.

"Rosalie and Nate?" Alex asked.

Olivia nodded. "Yeah," she said, reaching over to put the sock on the coffee table and hand Alex her glass of wine. "I hope they're doing okay."

Alex took Olivia's hand and settled back into her arms. "Is it bad that sometimes I don't? There's a very small part of me that sometimes hopes that it's harder for her than she thought and that she regrets taking him back. That she feels like a bad mom. Does that make me a horrible person?"

Olivia chuckled and kissed Alex behind her ear. "If it does, I'm a horrible person right there with you," she whispered.

"I just hate how much this hurt you. Hurt us," Alex said.

"It was her right to take him back," Olivia said. "Even after 57 days. We knew it could happen."

"Yeah, but it still sucks. We didn't expect her to change her mind after that long."

"No, we didn't." Olivia pulled Alex in closer and held her tight. "I thought…" she began, then shook her head.

"What, Liv?"

"I thought the worst feeling in the world was when we lost our babies, and the second time when I almost lost you, too." Olivia wiped a tear from her eye and kissed Alex's cheek. "But when she took him back… I finally had the family I'd always wanted, and then… I just feel like my guts were ripped out, you know? And they got ripped out again today."

Alex sniffled and squeezed Olivia's hand. "Yeah, I know."

"If I didn't have you, I'm not sure I would feel anything right now."

Alex shifted in Olivia's lap and put her arms around her neck. "I can make you feel things," she whispered in Olivia's ear, running a finger down her arm.

Olivia smiled weakly and kissed Alex on the cheek, holding her close. "You make me feel so many things," she said softly. "But right now, all I need to feel is this." She brought her hand up to Alex's chest and held it over her heart. "I'm not really in the mood for anything else right now. Is that okay?"

"Of course," she said, bringing her own hand to Olivia's heart.

They laid there for a while, watching the flames and holding each other close until the wine was gone and it was time to go to bed.

"Liv?" Alex said as they undressed and crawled under the covers.

"Mmm?"

"I've been… talking about it in therapy. The adoption process and the miscarriages. But will you come with me before we go to the doctor so we can talk about it together? I want to make sure we're going to be okay if it doesn't… if we never… you know."

Olivia nodded and snuggled in closer. "Hey, we haven't broken yet, have we?" she asked, running her fingers through Alex's hair. "Of course I'll go with you if you want me to. But I promise that no matter what happens, I'm not going anywhere."

—

Olivia woke up early on Saturday morning to go for a run on the beach, and came back to find Alex still asleep in bed. After taking a shower and putting on her robe, she started the coffee, and went back into the bedroom to press kisses to Alex's lips until she woke up.

"Good afternoon, beautiful," she grinned, propping herself on her elbows above Alex when she finally opened her eyes.

Alex looked panicked until she turned to see the time on the clock radio. "It's only 10:30," she groaned. "Meanie."

"Is it? I've been up for hours." She kissed Alex again. "And I wouldn't have woken you up if I hadn't brought you a chocolate chip muffin from Nona's. It's still warm."

Alex sat up in bed and Olivia handed her her robe. "I suppose you're forgiven, then."

They ate breakfast on the porch swing, looking out at the ocean, and spent the day walking around town, browsing the bookstore and the art galleries, and having an ice cream on the beach, in spite of the cool weather. Since summer was still a while away, the streets were uncrowded and shops closed early, and before long, they were back on the porch swing, watching the sun set over the water.

Olivia wrapped her sweatshirt around Alex when she shivered, and pulled a small bag out of the pocket.

"I got you something this morning," she said, pulling out a small black box. "This last year has been really hard on us, and especially on you. I know the inseminations were uncomfortable, and you were so sick, and then the miscarriages… I know that you were doing all of that for me, for us, and I love you for it, and I don't ever want you to forget how much."

Alex pulled the cover off the box to reveal a white gold necklace with a heart-shaped pendant inscribed with their names.

Olivia kissed her on the cheek and pulled Alex's hair to the side so she could clasp it around her neck. "This isn't an anniversary present, because that's in a few weeks. This is just an 'I love you' present."

"I love you too, Liv," Alex whispered as she leaned into Olivia's arms and kissed her. "Thank you."

"I made a reservation at that seafood place you like for 7," Olivia said. "But I can cancel if you'd rather have my leftover spaghetti."

Alex chuckled. "Seafood sounds good."

"I thought so." Olivia agreed. "Is Bill coming tomorrow with the kids? What time did you tell him?"

"I said not before 11 in case we want to sleep in," Alex said. "Since someone woke me up early this morning."

"Early? 10:30 is early?" Olivia teased.

Alex smiled. "It is if you got to sleep really late." She winked, and Olivia felt her stomach drop.

"Well, the sooner we go to dinner, the sooner we'll be home," Olivia whispered in Alex's ear. She stood up and held out her hand for Alex to take.

"I just want to get changed into something nice," Alex said, taking her hand and jumping off the swing.

"You look gorgeous," Olivia said, pulling her in for a kiss. "The place we're going to isn't fancy. You can wear that."

"I know I can wear this, but we never have time to go out on dates in New York. If you're taking me out, I want to get dressed up."

Olivia smiled. "Okay, then."

They went upstairs to change out of their jeans and sweaters into slacks and blouses, and held hands as they walked to the restaurant.

"Liv?" Alex said about halfway through their walk. "I want… I'd like… if it's okay… if you want… I want to try something new tonight." She let out a breath she didn't know she'd been holding since she'd started thinking about it on the swing.

Olivia stopped and turned to face Alex, and took both of her hands. "Sweetie, I'm willing to try anything you want. But only if you're sure." She brushed the back of her hand against Alex's cheek.

"I'm sure," Alex said. "I've been thinking about it… I think I've been ready for a while, but I wanted to wait for a special occasion, or when we had enough time and weren't rushing…"

Olivia stepped forward and looked into her eyes. "Anything you want," she whispered. "Tell me." Alex took a step towards her, blushing, and whispered something in her ear, and Olivia smiled. "Sounds amazing, Lex. Are you sure you want dinner?" she asked with a twinkle in her eye.

Alex swatted her playfully. "I think if I'm going to put out I should get a date once in a while."

"Fair enough," Olivia said. She kissed Alex on the cheek and let go of one hand, turning to walk towards the restaurant.

They ate in comfortable silence, exchanging shy smiles and blushing.

"Liv, you've…done this before, right?" Alex asked quietly over dessert. She blushed and looked away, downing the last sip of her wine.

Olivia reached across the table and took her hand, smiling reassuringly. "I've been on the giving end quite a few times… but I've only been on the receiving end with one person."

"Oh," Alex said. She stirred her coffee and put her spoon down, looking straight into Olivia's eyes. "I want to do this together. Either we both do it, or neither of us does."

Olivia nodded. "I want that, too," she replied. "You're sure you're ready?"

Alex nodded.

"How do you imagine it going?" Alex blushed and looked around to make sure nobody was nearby. "Lex, sweetie, we need to be able to talk about it," Olivia said.

Alex swallowed. "I think… I don't want it to be in the bed. I'd rather… I'm worried about not feeling in control," she admitted.

Olivia squeezed her hand. "Hey, you don't have to remind me what he did to you," Olivia said softly. "But it's just us, okay? Just you and me. And you'll be in control the whole time. The second you say stop, we stop. You know that."

Alex nodded. "I trust you, Liv," she whispered.

"Are you ready to go?" Olivia asked after she signed the check. She held Alex's coat and kissed her cheek before they walked out of the restaurant and back towards the house, hand in hand.

When they got back to the house, Olivia poured two glasses of wine and brought Alex out on the porch swing, wrapping an arm around her. "I love how many stars we can see out here," she commented, caressing Alex's side with her thumb.

"Mhm," Alex agreed, leaning her head on Olivia's shoulder.

"You're trembling, sweetie. Are you cold, or nervous?" she asked gently.

"Yes," Alex answered.

Olivia wrapped her arms tight around Alex and rubbed her back to warm her. "Tell me what you're nervous about," she prompted.

"I haven't had a flashback in a long time, and I'm worried I'm going to have one and ruin this for us too."

"Hey, sweetie," Olivia reassured her. "We've dealt with your flashbacks before. If you have one, we'll stop, and I'll help you out of it, and we'll talk about it and go to sleep, like we always do. It won't ruin anything, it'll just mean we come back to this another night." Olivia kissed her temple. "If you're worried, we don't have to do anything tonight."

"You've been so patient with me."

"Lex, I am totally, 100% satisfied with our sex life the way it is, and I don't want you to feel pressured to do new things that you're not completely comfortable with."

"I'm just nervous, Liv, that's all."

"You want this?"

"I want this," Alex confirmed.

Olivia led her into the living room and put another log on the fire, before wrapping her arms around Alex and kissing her deeply, for a long time, until she felt some of the tension in Alex's body dissipate. She tugged at the hem of Alex's shirt and pulled it off, before unbuttoning her pants and slipping them down long legs. She let Alex undress her, and when they were both in their bras and panties, she sat down on the couch, pulling Alex down to straddle her.

"I love you," she whispered over and over, kissing along Alex's neck and jawbone until her breath was short and she was pushing herself closer to Olivia.

"Oh, Liv," Alex gasped as Olivia unclasped and removed her bra, and ran a trail of kisses across her collarbone and chest to her breasts, teasing her nipples with her tongue.

"Mmm," Olivia moaned and began caressing her side and flat stomach with her free hand.

She continued to lavish attention on Alex's body until she looked into Alex's eyes. "Liv, please. I'm ready," she whispered, pulling Olivia in for a deep kiss.

Olivia flipped them over gently and laid Alex back on the couch cushions, straddling Alex as she ran trails of gentle kisses and nips down her body, paying special attention, as always, to Alex's scars on her shoulder and the tops of her legs, and to the fresher surgical scar on her abdomen. She kissed up Alex's inner thighs, and, seeing that Alex looked ready, she hooked her fingers into the top of Alex's panties and looked up, asking for permission to remove them.

She grinned as she pulled them down to see Alex's most intimate parts in front of her. She had seen Alex before, touched her, but this… Alex had shaved for her. Olivia took Alex's hands and looked up into her eyes.

"Watch me, babe," she whispered, keeping their eyes locked as she pressed a kiss to Alex's inner thigh. "It's just you and me."

Alex gasped as she lowered her mouth and ran her tongue along her lips and lightly across her clit, flicking it gently. She let go of Alex's right hand and wrapped her arm around Alex's back, pulling her closer to the edge of the couch. She teased her opening, waiting to make sure Alex wouldn't tense in pain before pressing forward and curling the tip up, eliciting another series of soft moans.

Olivia alternated between flicking and gently sucking, letting go of Alex's hand to gently insert the tip of her index finger. When she felt no resistance, she pushed in as far as she could go, curling forward on the sensitive spongy part inside. Alex tightened her legs around Olivia's shoulders and held on to the blanket, overwhelmed by the sensation of Olivia touching her everywhere at once.

"Liv," she gasped, the muscles in her stomach tightening.

"I've got you, Lex," Olivia whispered, curling her finger forward again. "Let go for me. I've got you. I love you." She wrapped her lips around Alex's clit one final time, sucking and flicking as Alex held on and collapsed back against the cushions.

Olivia immediately wrapped her arms around Alex and laid them down on the couch, cradling and soothing her, and wiping away the tears that were falling from her eyes. "That was amazing, Lex," she whispered in Alex's ear, running her hands up and down her bare back. "You are so beautiful. I love you so much. Thank you for letting me do that for you."

"Liv, I…"

"Shh, baby. I know," Olivia soothed, kissing Alex gently as she rocked her. She reached for the blanket and pulled it on top of them.

"What about…"

"My turn can be tomorrow, sweetie," Olivia whispered. "Right now, let's just rest."


	3. Chapter 3

"Auntie Alex! Auntie 'Livia!"

Alex groaned as she woke up to the sound of her niece calling her name and running into the room.

"Auntie Alex! Wake up! Why are you still sleeping? How come you have no clothes on?"

Alex's eyes flew open and she pushed herself slightly up off of Olivia, enough to look around and come face to face with her niece, Lexie, standing above her looking confused. She reached back and felt the blanket Olivia had thankfully draped over them before they fell asleep.

She turned bright red when she realized what was happening. "Lexie, sweetie, can you go into the other room so I can get up and go upstairs to get dressed?"

Lexie bounded off into the other room. "Daddy, Auntie Alex was sleeping and she needs to put some clothes on!"

Alex pulled the blanket up and shook Olivia. "Liv, wake up. We overslept and they're here. We need to go get dressed."

Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex and leaned up for a kiss. "I don't wanna get up," she whined.

"Liv, stop. If Lexie comes back and we still don't have clothes on…" she stood up, wrapping the blanket around her and picking up her discarded clothes off the floor.

"Hey! What about me?" Olivia cried, her eyes wide open.

"I guess you'll have to run upstairs really fast so nobody sees you naked," Alex smirked, darting up the stairs.

She closed the door behind her and picked up her jeans and sweater from the day before, and brought them into the bathroom so she could rinse off before getting dressed. Olivia slipped in behind her and wrapped her arms around her.

"Good morning, sweetie," Olivia said, kissing her neck.

Alex turned around in her arms and kissed her. "Good morning, Liv," she said, "We overslept. A lot."

Olivia giggled. "We did." She tucked Alex's hair behind her ear. "How are you feeling?" she whispered.

"Amazing," Alex answered, burying her face in Olivia's neck. "It was… Liv, it was incredible. I felt so… just… wow."

Olivia smiled. "It was 'so just wow' for me, too, Lex," she whispered. "I love you so much."

"How come you didn't let me… I wanted us to do it together."

"I know you did, sweetheart, and I promise, I want you to. But that took a lot out of both of us, so I thought we should sleep. Tonight, though, maybe?" Olivia asked, a twinkle in her eye.

Alex smiled. "I hope so." She reached over to turn on the water. "We need to rinse off before we get dressed. We smell like sex."

"Fortunately I don't think Lexie knows what sex smells like," Olivia said drily. "Can I join you?"

"Only if you promise no funny business. She's already seen us naked. I don't want her coming up here looking for us and hearing us."

Olivia pressed her body up against Alex's and held her tight, running a finger up and down her spine. "Then maybe you'll have to be quiet," she whispered, and Alex shivered.

"Liv…"

"Shh, love," Olivia hushed as she pressed Alex's back up against the cool tile. "Look how wet you are already." She began kissing her way down Alex's body until her hands were on her hips and her mouth was right where she wanted it. She looked up at Alex for permission, and her eyes widened.

Olivia pushed Alex's legs apart slightly and knelt between them. "Hold on tight, sweetie," she encouraged. After a few broad swipes of her tongue, she latched on, sucking and flicking as a litany of curse words alternating with some 'oh, Gods' escaped Alex's mouth. When she had drawn out Alex's orgasm as long as possible, she stood again to hold and kiss Alex until she had recovered. Then, she took a washcloth, gently rinsing their bodies and cleaning the sex off of their most intimate parts, and turned off the water, wrapping a fluffy towel around Alex and kissing her gently.

"That is my new favorite thing to do," Olivia said, stepping out of the tub.

"Bill's going to know we just had sex!" Alex whispered, pulling on her panties and jeans.

"So?" Olivia asked. "He already knows Lexie found us naked on the couch, and I'm pretty sure he knows we have sex, so…"

Alex turned bright red. "Well, sure, he knows in theory, but do we really have to give him evidence?"

Olivia chuckled. "Do you want me to go down first?"

"No, I'll go down. Turn on the shower again for a few minutes so maybe he won't think we just showered together."

Olivia rolled her eyes and pulled her in for a kiss. "Whatever you say, sweetie. I love you."

"I love you too, Liv."

Alex walked downstairs nonchalantly to the kitchen, where Bill and Lexie were sitting at the kitchen counter eating chocolate chip muffins. She willed herself not to turn pink as she went over to the coffeemaker and poured herself a cup.

"Good morning," she said, pulling a muffin out of the bag.

"Morning, Auntie Alex," Lexie said with her mouth full.

"Manners, Lex," Bill admonished gently.

Lexie swallowed and rolled her eyes. "Good morning, Auntie Alex. How come you and Auntie 'Livia didn't have any clothes on this morning?"

"Yes, Auntie Alex, tell us. Why didn't you and Auntie Olivia have clothes on this morning?" Bill teased.

Alex took a sip of her coffee. "I, uh, we made a fire last night and we got too hot. And somebody wasn't supposed to come until after 11. And since it is now only 11:05, you clearly showed up at least 20 minutes early."

"I called to say we'd caught an earlier ferry, and I stopped for donuts and muffins on the way. And if we had showed up on time, would you have been showered and dressed?" Bill asked, teasing. Alex didn't answer. "Yeah, I thought so."

"Where are Michelle and Andrew?" Alex asked.

"Michelle ended up having to work. The hospital has a nursing shortage, and she drew the short straw this week. And Andrew heard that some people had no clothes on, so he decided to take his off, and he's playing in the other room. He's starting to potty train and I guess two is the age when he wants to be naked all the time and he's obsessed with his penis."

"Is there an age when men aren't obsessed with their penises?" Olivia asked, taking the cup of coffee Alex poured for her.

Bill looked thoughtful for a moment. "Nope. I don't think there is."

Olivia chuckled and kissed Lexie on the top of her head, and went to hug Bill. "Good morning, guys. It's good to see you."

"Lexie, why don't you give Olivia your seat and go get your new glasses to show Auntie Alex?" Bill suggested, and she jumped down from the stool and ran off. "She was very upset that she had to wear glasses, until we found these," he explained.

Lexie came back in wearing a pair of black rimmed glasses identical to Alex's, brushing her long blonde hair out of her face. "Look Auntie Alex! They're just like yours!"

"They _are_ just like mine," Alex said. "Where'd you get these?"

"Daddy helped me pick them out so I could look like you, 'cause you're the prettiest person I know. _Even prettier than Mommy_ ," she whispered.

"She's the prettiest person I know, too," Olivia said, smiling at Alex. "And you look beautiful, just like her."

Lexie put her hands on her hips and looked over her glasses at Olivia, and then to a blushing Alex. "Were you having sex?" she asked.

Alex choked on her coffee and turned pink. "Excuse me?"

"Were. You. Having. Sex?" Lexie asked again, emphasizing each word.

"You're 7. What do you know about sex?" Alex asked, deflecting the question. She glared at Bill, who was trying to look serious but smirking into his coffee mug.

"First of all, I'm seven _and a third_ , and I know that sex is something you do without clothes on."

"Well, Miss I'm-seven-and-a-third, that's not really a question you ask people. It's not polite," Alex said. "And you saw what we were doing. We were sleeping."

Lexie rolled her eyes. "I know you were sleeping. I meant _before_. You told me I could ask you anything and you would always tell me the truth." She looked at Alex pointedly, pouting slightly.

"Do you think it's the glasses?" Olivia whispered loudly to Bill. "I swear they're exactly alike. She's not going to let it go."

"You're not helping, Liv," Alex said, glaring at her.

"Auntie Alex," Lexie admonished. "It's not a hard question."

Alex groaned as she picked Lexie up and sat her on the counter in front of her. "No, but it's not one I anticipated when I made that promise." She sighed. "At least not for another six years or so."

"Always looking for a loophole," Olivia smiled.

"Yes, before we went to sleep, we had sex," Alex said, blushing again. "That's why we had no clothes on this morning."

"See? That wasn't so hard," Lexie said.

"Lexie, don't be rude," Bill said.

Just then, Andrew ran into the kitchen, completely naked, holding his penis. "Daddy, I gotta go pee," he cried, and Bill scooped him up and ran towards the bathroom.

"Boys," Lexie said, rolling her eyes.

"Lexie, sex is something private. You shouldn't go around asking people if they've had sex or who they've had sex with, okay?" Alex said.

"Okay," Lexie replied, putting her arms around Alex's neck.

"Want to go take a walk on the beach?" Alex asked. Lexie nodded. "You want to come, Liv?"

Olivia shook her head. "You two go ahead. I think you have some catching up to do with your Mini-Me."

She grabbed a book out of her bag and sat on the porch swing, watching Alex and Lexie walk towards the water, holding hands.

"Auntie Alex?" Lexie said, swinging their hands together.

"Yeah, sweetie?"

"What is sex?"

"I thought you knew all about sex," Alex said.

"I just know it's something you do without clothes. But I don't know what it actually is."

"Well, it's just when two grownups touch each other's private parts to make each other feel nice."

"That's it?" Lexie asked. "What's the big deal, then?"

"It's just private, that's all, because people have sex with no clothes on. And it's something that just grownups do when they're in a relationship." Alex bent down to roll up the bottoms of their pants. "You know that nobody is supposed to touch your private parts until you're a grownup and you say it's okay, right? Or unless it's a doctor and your mom or dad is there?"

Lexie nodded.

"Okay. It's my job, and Auntie Olivia's job, to put bad guys in jail if they touch little girls and hurt them, okay? So if someone touches you and tells you to keep it a secret, do you know what to do?"

"Tell you or Auntie Olivia?"

Alex nodded. "Yup. Even if it's a teacher, or another kid, or one of your relatives… no matter who it is, nobody has the right to touch your private parts. You can tell your mom, or your dad, or me, or Auntie Olivia, and we'll help you, okay? I promise you won't ever get in trouble, even if the other person says you will. It's never your fault if someone touches you when you don't want them to. And you shouldn't touch anybody else's private parts until you're an adult, and they say it's okay. I sent someone to jail because he touched my private parts when I told him not to."

"You did?"

Alex nodded. "It's always wrong for someone to touch you if you don't want them to, or for them to make you touch them if you don't want to. And it's never your fault, even if you say no and they don't stop, or if you try to get away and you can't. They're wrong, not you."

"Okay."

"Do you know the names of your private parts?"

"Mommy calls it a vajayjay," Lexie said.

Alex rolled her eyes. "I'm going to tell you the real names, okay? It's very important that you know what everything is called." Lexie nodded. "Do you know what you call the front, where your pee comes out?"

"A peepee?"

"Urethra," Alex said. "Can you say that?" Lexie repeated it. "And what about the back, where poop comes out?"

Lexie shook her head.

"Anus," Alex said, blushing again. "Just remember the planets: Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, _Uranus_ , Neptune, Pluto."

"Pluto's not a planet, silly!"

"Really? It was when I was a kid! Can you say that?"

"Anus," Lexie repeated, giggling. "Like Uranus."

"Good. And what about the middle?"

"That's what Mommy said a vajayjay was."

"Okay. The outside is called a vulva and the inside is called a vagina. Can you say that?"

She repeated the words. "That's where a baby comes out, right?"

Alex nodded. "Yes, a baby grows inside the uterus in a woman's body, and comes out of her vagina."

"But how does it get in there?"

"Well, every woman has eggs inside her from the time she's born. You already have some inside you that could grow into babies some day. And when she wants to have a baby, she can have sex with a man, and his penis puts lots and lots of sperm into her vagina. They look like little tiny fishes, and they swim and try to find an egg, and if they do, it makes a baby. That's why people wait to have sex until they're grown up, so they can take care of a baby or so they know how to not have one. And because their bodies can't make babies when they're young."

"Oh." Lexie paused for a moment, looking concerned. "Is that why you have Auntie 'Livia instead of a boyfriend? Because you don't want him to make his fishes swim inside you?"

Alex burst out laughing. "Sweetie, I'm with Auntie Olivia because I love her and she loves me. And sperm are so small you can't see them. They're not actually like fishes."

"Oh," Lexie said, looking visibly relieved. "Good, 'cause that'd be gross."

"It would," Alex agreed. Not that she'd ever been partial to semen, either. She held out her hands with some flat stones she had picked up as they walked. "Do you want to try skipping rocks? Let's see who can get the most." She tossed one out in between two waves and watched it bounce across the water. "Five!" she said. "Can you beat that?"

Lexie giggled and tossed a few, getting three, then two.

"Good!" Alex said.

"Auntie Alex?" Lexie asked, skipping another rock. "Will I get in trouble if I touch my own private parts? Sometimes it feels nice when I touch my…" she thought for a second "…urethra."

"Clitoris," Alex corrected, blushing. "The part that feels nice when you touch it is your clitoris. Of course you won't get in trouble for touching your own body, as long as you do it in private - in your room, or in the bathroom - and you wash your hands afterwards. Your body belongs to you. And I never want you to be embarrassed or be afraid to ask me questions, about your body or about sex, okay?"

Lexie nodded. "Okay."

When the flat stones were gone, they started walking back, hand in hand, Alex pointing out pieces of colored seaglass hidden in the rocks for Lexie to collect.

"Auntie Alex?" Lexie asked, leaning her head against Alex's arm as they approached the house. "I miss baby Nate."

Alex teared up and squeezed Lexie's hand. "Me too, sweetie."

"How come he had to go away?"

Alex stopped and sat down on the sand, and Lexie crawled into her lap and put her arms around her neck. "Sometimes, when children don't have mommies or daddies, or if they have mommies and daddies who can't take care of them, other people adopt them and raise them as their own kids," Alex explained. "Before Nate was born, his mommy thought she wasn't going to be able to take care of him, so she decided to give him to us so he could be our baby."

"What happened to Nate's mommy?"

"Nothing happened to her. She was just too young to have a baby and didn't think she had enough money to take care of him. But whenever a baby is adopted, the law says that the real mommy and daddy have 90 days to change their minds, in case they make a mistake. And Nate's mommy decided that she'd made a mistake and that she wanted him to be her baby again, so she took him back to live with her."

"Oh." Lexie leaned her head against Alex's shoulder. "Do you think he's happy?"

"I hope so, babe." Alex said. "Auntie Olivia and I were very sad when he had to go away. But I hope his mommy is taking good care of him."

"Are you and Auntie 'Livia going to get another baby?" Lexie asked.

"We want to, but I don't know if we can." Alex answered. "It's not easy to adopt a baby. And so far we haven't been able to have our own baby."

"How come?"

"I don't know." Alex said. "I had a baby in my tummy, but she stopped growing. And the doctor said she didn't think I'd be able to have one."

"Are you sad?"

"That we don't know if we can have a baby? Yeah, we are. We're both very sad."

"How did you get a baby inside you since Auntie 'Livia's a girl, too? Did she have any fishes?"

"We went to the doctor, and she helped us get sperm from a man who wanted to help another couple have a baby."

"Can I come and be your baby, and leave Andrew with Mommy and Daddy?"

Alex laughed. "Don't you think your mommy and daddy will miss you if you come live with me?"

Lexie shrugged. "They can keep Andrew. And then you and Auntie 'Livia won't be lonely." She sniffled and snuggled into Alex. "I love you. I don't want you to be sad."

"Oh, sweetie," Alex soothed, rubbing her back as she started to cry. "It's okay for us to be sad sometimes. We know we won't be sad forever, even if we don't get to have a baby. Because we love each other, and we love you, and we have family and friends that we love very much. And we're very lucky to have so many people we care about."

"Can I come live with you, though?"

"How about you can come visit whenever you want?" Alex said, kissing the top of her head. "And if we do get to have a baby, you can help us take care of it?"

"Okay," she sniffled. Alex grimaced a bit as she wiped her nose on her shoulder.

"Why don't we go make some lunch, and then maybe we can take a walk in town and try to find some ice cream?" Alex asked, standing up and taking Lexie's hand.

"Yeah!" Lexie shouted. "Race you!" she cried, running towards the house.

Alex ran to catch up and got ahead of her, only to pull back and let her win at the last minute.

"I win! You lose!" she stuck out her tongue. "I'm the fastest."

Alex laughed. "Only because I'm getting too old for this," she said.

"Loves to be first, just like her auntie," Olivia commented from the porch swing where she was sitting with her sketchbook. "She is exactly like you. It's actually scary."

"You know I let her win, right?" Alex said, sitting down and giving her a kiss.

"Sure you did, sweetie." Alex stuck out her tongue. "See? My point exactly."

Alex leaned her head on Olivia's shoulder and caught a glimpse of the sketch she was working on. "Can I see?" she asked, leaning over.

Olivia flipped the page and held it over, to show her one of Alex and Lexie walking along the beach skipping rocks, and another of them sitting on the sand in front of the house.

"Beautiful," she said.

"I had good subject matter," Olivia replied, brushing the hair out of Alex's face.

"I'm going to make some lunch, then I told Lexie we would take a walk to get some ice cream," Alex said, getting up from the swing.

"I'll come help you in a minute," Olivia said, closing her sketchbook.

Alex went inside and began taking the cold cuts and salad stuff out of the fridge.

"Uh, Alex?" Bill asked, carrying a dressed Andrew into the kitchen. "Why is Lexie asking me if she was made from an egg and fishes?"

"You're welcome," Alex replied. She pointed at Andrew. "They need to know the proper terms for their anatomy. Not 'weewee' and 'vajayjay.' 'Penis,' 'vagina,' 'urethra,' 'anus.' If, God forbid, anyone were to ever do anything to them, they would have to be able to say exactly who touched what how. I've had cases thrown out of court when I know the guy did it, and he knows he did it, and the defense attorney knows he did it, and he argues to a judge that the girl was coached because she didn't know the right words to describe what happened to her."

"Okay," Bill said. "So where do the fishes come in, exactly?"

"Lexie was asking me about sex, and I asked her if she knew what all her private parts were called. I told her, then she asked if babies came out of vaginas, and it sort of spiraled from there. So now she knows what sex is and where babies come from and what all of her parts are called. I may have said that sperm swam like tiny fishes to the egg, which I think freaked her out a little."

"As well it should," Olivia said. "She's probably imagining like goldfish or something."

"I said they were really tiny!" Alex protested.

"Minnows, then. Still gross."

Alex wrinkled her nose. "I'd like to see you do better when you're put on the spot. I thought maybe I'd get a game or two of Pretty Pretty Princess and maybe a lecture on Rapunzel or something. This was way more than I bargained for."

"Well, I'm sure Michelle will be glad to know she's off the hook," Bill said.

"Just make sure she doesn't use made-up words when she does talk about it," Alex insisted. "I told Lexie she can talk to me any time she wants and ask me any questions she wants, but she needs to be able to talk to her parents, too." Alex finished the sandwich and called Lexie in to eat.

Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex from behind and kissed her neck. "You two are so adorable together," she said.

"Well, Lexie told me we could adopt her if we want," Alex said. "But I told her that her parents would miss her too much."

"That was very generous of her." Olivia laughed. "So what did she think sex was, exactly? Why did she ask you if she didn't know?"

"She just knew it was something people did without clothes. I couldn't exactly give her the explanation I got growing up, since it doesn't exactly apply to our situation, so I told her that it was when grownups touched each other's private parts, and then we got into anatomy, and then we got into the baby making aspect, and I told her that nobody should touch her private parts until she was older…"

"You got played."

"I what?" Alex asked.

"You got played. She wanted to know what sex was, so she accused you of having it, and then took advantage of you while you were just a little bit embarrassed so she could manipulate you into telling her what she wanted to know. You got played by a 7 year old. Sorry, a 7- _and-a-third_ -year-old." Olivia smirked at her.

Alex opened her mouth to protest, and closed it again, going over the beginning of the conversation in her head. Olivia was right.

"I hate you," she said, sticking out her tongue.

Olivia chuckled. "No you don't. You hate that you got outsmarted by a kid, just because she's cute and she knows you love her to pieces."

Alex shrugged. "Well, I didn't tell her anything she wouldn't need to know eventually anyway. It is important that she knows her anatomy and what to do if someone hurts her."

Olivia nodded and leaned over to kiss Alex on the cheek. "And she'll make one hell of a lawyer someday."


	4. Chapter 4

After Bill and the kids had left after dinner, Olivia poured more wine and sat next to Alex on the couch. "Did you have a good weekend, sweetie?"

Alex smiled. "I did. Did you?"

Olivia nodded. "We're going to be okay," she said.

"I wasn't doubting that," Alex replied, leaning her head on Olivia's shoulder.

Olivia held Alex for a while, fidgeting with the flap on the bag she had brought up from the car. "Lex, I want to show you something," she said, pulling out her bound black book. "I can't always talk about things, but I am dealing with them," she said, opening the book to a page in the middle and passing it over to Alex.

Alex breathed in sharply. "Liv…" she whispered, studying the drawing on the page. It was from a photo Elliot had taken the day they'd brought Nate home from the hospital, Alex, smiling with the baby in her arms with Olivia kissing her cheek and looking sideways at the camera. It had been one of their favorite photos, and they'd both had it on their desks until his birth mother had taken him back. Now Olivia's was at the back of a desk drawer, and Alex's was buried under a stack of case files behind her desk.

Alex flipped through the pages slowly, recognizing some of the drawings from pictures they had taken, and imagining that Olivia had drawn others from memory. The last images were of Olivia and Alex holding each other as Rosalie and the adoption agent took him away, dated October 8, and there were only a few abstract drawings between then and the drawings Olivia had done that afternoon of Lexie and Alex on the beach.

Olivia expected Alex to close the book when she reached the end, and she held out her hand to stop Alex from turning to the earlier pages.

"Please?" Alex asked gently, placing her hand on Olivia's. Olivia relented, and Alex flipped to the beginning. Olivia holding Alex's hand at the clinic before their awkward, frustrating attempts at making love in a doctor's office. Alex holding out the first positive pregnancy test, with four discarded tests showing the number of times they had tried insemination before it had worked. Alex with morning sickness. The miscarriage at 7 weeks. The second successful insemination. Alex with her growing baby bump at 15, 16, 17 weeks. Olivia's hands on her belly. Olivia finding her in the bathroom in a pool of blood. Alex looking pale in the hospital bed. Olivia lying next to her, holding her hand.

"I hate making you cry," Olivia whispered, wiping a tear off of Alex's cheek. "That's why I never showed you before."

"Liv, you're not making me cry," Alex said. She closed the book and gently placed it on the coffee table, then wrapped her arms around Olivia and buried her face in her neck. "You've never made me cry. You've been nothing short of amazing. But you don't have to be strong all the time."

Olivia held on to Alex, and when they finally finished crying, Alex lifted her head and straddled Olivia, kissing her desperately as she ran her hands up the back of her shirt. Olivia kissed back, equally hungry, pausing to let Alex take off their shirts and bras and press their chests together.

She reached for the button of Alex's jeans and pushed them down, gasping when Alex licked across one of her nipples as she pushed Olivia back down onto the couch. She quickly pulled down Olivia's yoga pants and panties and laid down between Olivia's legs, kissing and trying to touch her everywhere.

"Lex?" she whispered as Alex suddenly became less frantic, more uncertain in her touches. Alex had gained a lot of confidence in the bedroom since they had first made love, partly from experience and understanding her boundaries, and partly from her desire to please Olivia. But in spite of their progress, Olivia sensed that Alex still needed a lot of reassurance, especially when they tried something new.

Alex swallowed and leaned in to kiss Olivia slowly, first on the mouth, then the neck and down to her breasts, much more gently than before.

"Lex, if you're not ready, you don't have to do this. You don't ever have to do this," Olivia said gently, putting her hand on Alex's back.

Alex kissed her stomach, just above her navel, and looked up into her eyes. "I want to, Liv," she said, shifting down Olivia's body. "Let me do this for you."

Olivia nodded and held her breath as Alex kissed up and down her inner thighs and pressed a gentle open-mouthed kiss to her lips. She was tentative at first, exploring with her fingers and the tip of her tongue, until Olivia gasped, 'More,' and she pressed one finger, then two, inside. She thought back to what Olivia had done that had felt so amazing, and, feeling Olivia push forward towards her mouth, she flicked her clit a few times before sucking, hard. As Olivia's cries of pleasure became increasingly desperate, she began pumping her fingers faster, curling them forward, and she held on until Olivia had stopped twitching.

She kissed her way gently up Olivia's body and rocked against her, much like the way Olivia often soothed her after sex. Alex knew that Olivia loved and trusted her, but she also knew that Olivia still found it very difficult to be physically vulnerable since she had confided in Alex that the only other person that she had trusted with such an intimate act had left abruptly and cut off all contact.

Olivia kissed her back gently and smiled. "That was amazing," she whispered against Alex's lips. "I love you."

After a few kisses, she pushed them upright and wrapped herself around Alex from behind, kissing Alex's neck as her left hand traveled up to Alex's right breast and her right hand caressed her stomach down to her knee. Alex leaned her head back into Olivia's shoulder as Olivia spread her legs and began touching her and whispering in her ear.

"How does that feel?" she asked, teasing Alex's entrance. Alex moaned with pleasure as Olivia traced shapes with her index finger. Slowly, she brought her other hand down, but met with resistance as she tried to slip a finger inside. "Not right now?" she asked, drawing her hand back to Alex's breast as Alex shook her head.

She wrapped her arms tighter around Alex and circled Alex's clit, gently at first, and then faster, while Alex tried to breathe deeply and relax, tried to turn her mind off, tried to let go and let her body feel, until she gave up, and brought her own hand down to stop Olivia's.

"Liv…" she sighed. "I'm not… It's not happening," she said quietly, blushing. "I'm sorry."

Olivia turned Alex around in her arms and pulled her in close, holding the back of her head into her shoulder. "What did I tell you about being sorry?" Olivia asked, running the fingers of one hand through Alex's hair and rubbing her back with the other. "Did it feel good?"

Since her attack, Alex sometimes had difficulty experiencing pleasure, and while Olivia had been patient and knew, after more than two years and lots of therapy, what was more likely to stop her from being able to orgasm, it was often Alex's own head that got in the way. She knew, for example, that the more their bodies were pressed together, the safer Alex felt, and that the hardest place for Alex to feel at ease was lying in bed, but even using one of Alex's preferred positions wasn't always a guarantee. Tonight, maybe, Alex had felt too vulnerable.

"It felt so good, Liv. I don't know what happened."

"Shh, love, the important thing is that it felt good and I didn't hurt you." She held on to Alex, aware that she often felt frustrated when she couldn't finish, as if she were somehow denying Olivia the proof that she loved her. "I love you."

—

Alex held Olivia's hand as they waited in the waiting room of the doctor's office on Friday afternoon two weeks later, the earliest Olivia could get an appointment. "We're just seeing if this is even an option, right, Liv?" Alex asked as the doctor called her name.

Olivia nodded. "It might not be."

She put on the gown and sat down on the exam table, filling out a questionnaire about her health habits and her recent medical history. She was in good shape - she had to be to pass the yearly fitness test - but her diet left a lot to be desired and she hadn't had a physical in almost two years.

"What brings you here today, Detective? Just a checkup?" Dr. Logan asked, looking over Olivia's file. She knew Olivia well, as she often performed sexual assault exams on victims, and had done Alex's own exam three years earlier.

Olivia looked at Alex and back to the doctor, and swallowed. "Actually, we'd like to know if IVF is an option for me," she said. "Since Alex can't have kids, and we weren't able to adopt… we'd like to see if we could work something out between her eggs and my uterus," Olivia finished awkwardly.

Dr. Logan nodded kindly. "Alright, I'm just going to do a brief physical exam, and then as long as everything is okay, we'll discuss the options and the risks. Can you put your legs up for me? When was your last pap smear?"

Olivia looked away. "Uh, four, maybe five years ago?"

"Liv!" Alex admonished.

"It was before Sealview," she explained, and Alex nodded.

"Okay, well we'll do one now. No use getting upset. Just make sure it's not more than two years before the next one. I see you often enough that I should be able to fit you in, even if our schedules are both busy."

Olivia nodded and put her feet up in the stirrups. The physical exam was awkward, if not actually painful, but Dr. Logan distracted her with questions about work throughout, and Alex held her hand, like Olivia always did for her.

"Have you experienced particularly heavy bleeding at all? Periods that were heavier or longer than usual, or bleeding after sex?" she asked, withdrawing her hands.

Olivia shrugged. "No bleeding after sex, but maybe a bit heavier? I don't really know," she admitted.

"Okay. I'll be right back." Dr. Logan left, and a worried Alex went over to hold Olivia's hand again.

"Lex, it's probably nothing," Olivia reassured her, although she was uncertain why the doctor didn't seem to have finished the exam. Alex nodded, unconvinced, as Dr. Logan came back in wheeling an ultrasound machine.

"I just want to take a quick look at your uterus," Dr. Logan explained, turning on the machine and instructing Olivia to put her feet back up.

Alex squeezed Olivia's hand as she probed with the ultrasound, not saying anything. After a few minutes, she withdrew the implement and instructed Olivia to get dressed.

Dr. Logan returned again with a new folder and made some notes in Olivia's file before turning to talk to them.

"Detective, it seems that you have a few small polyps in your uterus that we should take care of. They're quite common in women in their forties, and they're usually benign, so I don't want you to worry just yet. Removing them is very minor surgery, and we'd have them tested to make sure they're not precancerous, but you wouldn't be out of commission for more than a few weeks. And even if they are precancerous, there's a very good possibility that we'll have found it so early that you won't even need chemo or radiation."

"What if it's cancer?" Alex whispered, gripping Olivia's hand.

"Ms. Cabot, let's not get ahead of ourselves. The chance that it's cancer is very, very small at this point. The polyps are small, they're not abnormally shaped, and they may have been there for a long time. And Detective Benson hasn't experienced any noticeable symptoms like bleeding or pain. I won't know for sure until I test them, but I would be very surprised if they weren't completely benign."

Alex let out a sigh of relief, but didn't loosen her grip on Olivia.

"What about IVF?" Olivia asked, afraid she already knew the answer.

Dr. Logan looked down at Olivia's file and rubbed her index finger on her chin. "Hormone treatments have been known to accelerate the growth of polyps," she began. "Even if there's no sign of cancer at all, there's a very good chance that the treatments associated with IVF would cause more polyps to grow, which could cause a miscarriage, or develop into cancer. Unfortunately, I think it would be unethical to try IVF, regardless of the outcome of the biopsy. I'm sorry."

Olivia and Alex walked silently, hand in hand, to Alex's regular Friday afternoon therapy appointment, and Olivia stopped to give her a kiss on her wet cheek in front of the building. "Lex, I can't, yet. I need to walk it off. I'll come next week?" she asked, and Alex nodded, aware that Olivia processed things very differently from her.

When she was sure Alex had gotten into the elevator, she opened her phone to make a call.

"Munch," he answered.

"John, I need your help," Olivia said, getting into a cab and giving her address. "Can you come over?"

"Be right there," John replied.

He gave her a long hug when she let him into the apartment.

"Thanks for coming," she said. "I couldn't deal with Elliot right now."

"I'm not sure how you deal with him normally," John joked. "Tell me what you need."

"I want all of this gone by the time Alex gets home," she said, wheeling a big suitcase into the spare bedroom.

Together, they disassembled the crib and packed the various stuffed animals, onesies, cloth diapers, and crib sheets into the suitcase. Olivia took the Winnie the Pooh artwork off of the walls, and unplugged the nightlight. She got a box from the office to pack up Goodnight Moon and Guess How Much I Love You along with some of the framed pictures of Nate. They made three trips down to the basement storage unit until the only things left in the room were the double bed, the rocking chair, and the empty dresser, which Olivia rearranged before changing the sheets, putting up new curtains, and covering the rocking chair with an afghan.

"Thank you, John," Olivia said warmly, shooing him out before Alex was scheduled to return home. "I owe you one."

John hugged her and gave her a peck on the cheek. "No you don't," he replied. "Just take care of each other, okay?"


	5. Chapter 5

Olivia had dinner on the table and a glass of wine ready when Alex got home, and she met her at the door, waiting for Alex to signal whether she wanted comfort or some time alone to process her thoughts. Alex still went to therapy pretty regularly, and since they had begun trying to have a baby, Olivia had tried to be attentive to Alex's needs after her sessions.

Her eyes were red and puffy, and she kicked off her shoes and fell into Olivia's arms. Tonight, she didn't want to be left alone with her thoughts.

Olivia held her for several long minutes, burying her nose in Alex's hair and massaging her back. "Hey, sweetie," she said softly. "I've got dinner ready, but if you want I'll draw you a bath."

"A bath sounds nice," Alex murmured. "Together, though? I don't want to be alone."

Olivia kissed her temple. "Let me just grab the wine."

Alex headed towards the bathroom and paused at the door to the spare bedroom, which Olivia had left slightly ajar, and pushed it open, stepping inside and staring at the blank walls. She vaguely heard Olivia walk by to turn on the water, then return, calling her name when she didn't find her in the bathroom or the master bedroom.

"Lex," she breathed, finding Alex frozen in the center of the room. She wrapped her arms around Alex again, and Alex let out a silent sob and pounded her fist over and over into Olivia's shoulder. "Shh, love. It's going to be okay. We're going to be okay."

After a few minutes, Olivia led Alex gently towards the bathroom. "Sweetie, I've got to turn the water off or we're going to have a flood to clean up." She turned off the faucet and checked the temperature of the water.

"I'm sorry I hit you," Alex said softly, kissing the spot she had hit.

"It's okay, Lex. You didn't hurt me." She took Alex's hand and brought it to her lips. "I'll press charges next time, though," she said, smiling softly. Alex pressed her lips together in an attempted smile as a reply.

She gently undressed Alex and held her hand as she sat down in the tub, then undressed herself and got in behind her, pulling Alex back into her arms.

"John helped me put everything down in the basement," Olivia explained, caressing Alex's stomach. "I didn't want you to have to deal with that anymore. I'm sorry I can't give you what we want either," she whispered.

"Liv, what if you…"

"Shh, Lex, I don't have cancer, I promise."

"You can't promise me that."

"You heard what she said. I looked it up. Polyps are very common and they're usually not a big deal. So let's stick with that until we hear otherwise, okay?"

"I can't lose you."

Olivia kissed her cheek and squeezed her hand. "You're not going to."

—

Olivia and Alex barely spoke in the weeks that followed, preferring instead to cuddle, remaining in close proximity whenever they were at home. At night, they clung to each other, needing their skin to touch. They made love, sometimes slowly and gently, and sometimes frantically, feeling closer than ever despite their profound sadness.

Olivia's surgery was scheduled, and they were both grateful when the end of the school semester meant that Sarah moved in with them for the summer so she could take a summer internship at the DA's office. At least there would be something to talk about other than work and not having a baby.

Alex helped Sarah bring the last of her boxes into the spare bedroom and put it down on the dresser, fleeing into the kitchen to make tea as soon as she set it down. She was still in the habit of keeping the door to the room closed most of the time, even though the painful memories were starting to fade.

"Are you sure it's okay for me to stay here? I'm not… intruding?" Sarah asked, sitting down at the bar. "I could probably still get a room in the dorm."

Alex pulled down a second mug and poured Sarah a cup of tea. "It's fine," she said, putting the milk and sugar on the counter. "We wouldn't have offered if it wasn't."

"I know it's none of my business, but are you guys okay?"

"We're going to be alright," Alex said, smiling weakly. "We're just trying to figure out where to go from here, you know?"

"Mhm," Sarah agreed, sipping from her mug.

"Listen, just so we're clear, we're not your parents, so we don't expect you to ask us permission to go out, or stay out late, or anything like that. But just do us a favor and let one of us know when you'll be home or if you're going to be late so we're not worried about getting called out to the crime scene where they found your body, okay?"

Sarah chuckled. "Seems fair."

"We'll probably go up to my place in Edgartown on Martha's Vineyard for a couple of long weekends, and maybe even for a week or two after Olivia's surgery. My brother will be there with my niece and nephew and maybe my sister-in-law. You're welcome to join us if you want. Bring a friend. The house is big enough."

"Sounds like fun. I don't know if they'll let me have time off, though."

"It'll probably depend on what department you're in. Have you thought about what you want to ask for?"

"Well, I thought about asking for SVU, but I heard my boss might be a hard-ass." Sarah smiled into her mug.

"Who, Casey?" Alex chuckled, and Sarah rolled her eyes. "Why SVU?"

Sarah shrugged. "I thought I'd be able to, I don't know, connect to it more. Feel like I was helping people, like you helped me. If it's drug cases or money laundering or something it'd probably be kinda boring."

"They won't put you in SVU unless you're sure you want it and convince them you can handle it," Alex said. "Not everyone can, and that doesn't make them bad people. There are plenty of good people in the DA's office who wouldn't last 5 minutes in SVU. But we don't always get an intern because there's not always someone who's cut out for it."

"Did you pick SVU? I mean, the first time?"

"Yeah. But I picked it because I thought helping living victims meant they would vote for me if I ran for office. You can ask Olivia about the ridiculous speech I gave her captain the first time we met. But being in SVU… it changes you. Politics, procedure, hell, even the law… sometimes it just doesn't matter anymore. It doesn't make sense given what we deal with."

"So how do you deal with it?"

Alex chuckled. "Breaking lots of rules. Almost flushing my career down the toilet on at least three separate occasions. Getting shot. You know, the usual."

"But seriously?"

"Sarah, if you want to do SVU, I'm certainly not going to stop you. But just be warned that we deal with the absolute worst of humanity. What happened to you was bad, and what happened to me was bad, but some of the cases we've seen… they'll haunt you. You'll wonder how people can have any kind of normal life after the stuff they've been through. And just when you think you've seen the absolute worst thing that one human being can do to another, you'll see something even more horrible. Even though you wouldn't be working directly with victims or suspects, Olivia and I won't be able to shield you from that."

Sarah nodded, and Alex reached across to touch her hand. "I'm not trying to discourage you. I just want you to know what you're getting yourself into if you ask for SVU. We go through detectives and ADAs like nobody's business until we get someone good who decides to stick around."

"Was it hard for you to go back there, after…"

"After I was raped? Surprisingly, no," Alex said. "After I came back for your case I knew SVU was where I belonged. I thought it would be harder, and I scheduled a few extra therapy sessions around the time I transferred back. But honestly? It felt like going home. There were a few cases that were tricky, but it fired me up. And I won them."

"Do you think it'll make me have flashbacks?" Sarah asked. "Or nightmares? Or make me want to… do unhealthy things again?"

"I don't know, sweetheart. Olivia and I don't sleep much. After the really tough cases, we probably drink a bit more than we should. And sometimes we can't even… touch each other because something one of us saw was just too awful. So, you have a few days to think about it, but nobody, especially not Olivia and I, will think badly of you if you want to do something other than SVU. My bosses aren't going to say whether you picked your assignment or not, so unless you tell me, I won't even know if you tell them you don't want SVU. And if you do get SVU, I need you to promise not to play the martyr and to talk to me, or Olivia, or Casey if it gets to be too much."

—

Olivia sat at her desk chewing the end of her pen, checking the clock for the umpteenth time to see when Munch and Fin would be coming in to take over catching. An hour and forty-two minutes left to go.

"Maybe it'll go faster if you stop watching it, Liv," Elliot chided, throwing a crumpled up piece of paper at her. "What's eating you?"

Olivia sighed. "Nothing, El. I just want to get this paperwork done and go home."

"Alex waiting at home for you?"

"Probably. One of her former students from Portland, Sarah, is at Columbia now and got an internship at the DA's office for the summer, so she's staying with us. Alex was helping her move her stuff out of the dorm today."

"Ooh, having a kid in the house again. You know, that's going to put a damper on…"

"Elliot, finish that sentence and I'll put a damper on your balls, permanently." Olivia leaned over to begin scribbling on a DD5, not really caring what she wrote.

Elliot bit his tongue and put his pen down. "Liv, seriously, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, Elliot. Can we just get this done so we can leave?"

"You know, maybe it's time to try another adoption agency. I'm sure there are plenty out there that'll be glad to have you guys as parents."

"Thanks, Elliot, we hadn't thought of that," Olivia replied sarcastically. She stood up and grabbed her coffee mug to get away from her desk for a minute.

"Or have you tried to get pregnant? I mean, 44 isn't ideal, but Kathy had Eli at 42 and he was fine…"

"Elliot, will you please stop?" Olivia turned around, and Elliot immediately saw the pain in her eyes.

 _What an idiot_ , he thought. _Why didn't I see it before?_

"Oh. You tried that already, didn't you?" he said quietly, putting her coffee on her desk. "Liv, I'm your partner. You could've told me."

"El, to be honest, it's none of your business. And you have five perfect kids of your own."

 _"Benson! Stabler!"_ The captain called from his office. "We got a call. Motorist called it in. A woman with two kids on the George Washington bridge. Go! Backup's right behind you."

Olivia picked up her jacket and bolted towards the car, with Elliot following closely. When they arrived at the scene, they saw that a lane of traffic had been blocked off by an old model car on the side of the bridge. From a distance, Olivia could see an adult holding a small child on the edge of the barrier, and another small child was standing next to her, clinging to her mother's leg and shivering in the pouring rain.

She adjusted the earpiece that would allow the other police officers to listen to the hostage negotiation, and slowly began approaching the woman from the side.

"Hey," she called out, as kindly as she could. "My name's Olivia. What's your name? Is everything okay?"

"I'm Susan," the woman responded. "Don't come any closer or I'll drop him in!"

"Susan," Olivia replied. "That's a nice name. How old are you, Susan?"

"24," she said.

"And who's that you got with you, Susan?"

"Jeremy is 5 and Kate is 3," Susan answered, swaying on her feet.

"Susan, it's awfully dangerous out here for Jeremy and Kate," Olivia said. "Why don't you bring them over here and we can talk."

"No! You people just want to take them away from me!"

"Susan, I don't want to take them away from you. I want to make sure they're safe and that you can all stay together."

"You people put their daddy in jail, and then the welfare office said they couldn't give me any benefits because I make $3 more than the maximum, and I can barely have a meal so my babies get enough to eat, and then somebody comes to my house and wants to take my babies away. No! I don't believe you!" Olivia's heart sunk as Susan's anger caused the little boy to sway on the railing.

"Susan, I promise you that if you just take Jeremy down and you all come with me, we can work this out. We'll figure it out together, okay?" Olivia took a step closer.

"No! Stay away!" The boy swayed on the railing again.

"Susan, let's just go down to my office, and get warmed up, and have some coffee, and talk about this, okay? I'll call my friend Casey in the benefits office, and she'll bring down your file, and we'll see what we can do to fix it."

Olivia took another step forward and watched it happen in slow motion before her. Susan yanked the boy's arm to wave off Olivia's advance, and he shrieked as he lost his balance. Olivia ran the remaining steps to the railing and reached over to catch him by the arm, but she barely brushed the crying boy's fingers as he fell.

"No!" she cried, screaming as she turned around to take her anger out on the mother. It was too late for that, too; Susan was already being dragged into a police car by the backup and Elliot already held Kate in his arms.

Olivia spun around and began walking as fast as she could away from the squad car, away from the group of cops still trying to figure out what had happened, and headed towards Manhattan.

She had been walking and crying for at least half an hour when the squad car pulled up beside her. "Get in," Elliot said, rolling down the window.

Olivia ignored him and kept walking.

"Liv, you can't walk from Washington Heights all the way down to 78th Street at 8:30 at night. It's dark out, it's not safe for anyone alone, even a cop, and don't even think about making me send Alex out to look for you, because you don't want her out here alone in her nice car, do you?"

Olivia reluctantly stopped and got into the passenger seat, not saying a word.

Elliot took a blanket from the back and wrapped it around her shoulders. "You're soaking wet," he said. "Let's get you home."

He helped her up the stairs and knocked on the door, guiding Olivia right into Alex's arms.

"Thanks, Elliot," Alex said, smiling slightly and closing the door.

Olivia didn't say a word, but followed Alex into the bathroom and let herself be undressed and put into the tub.

"I'll be right back with some tea, okay?" Alex whispered, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. "It'll warm you right up."

She splashed a bit of bourbon into the mug and brought it in to Olivia, whose expression hadn't changed since she'd gotten into the squad car.

"Drink this, babe, it'll warm you up." She reached over and ran her hand across the top of Olivia's back. "I'm so sorry, love. There was nothing you could have done."

"It happened right in front of me and I couldn't stop it," Olivia said, barely audibly.

"I know, love. Elliot told me what happened. He said the girl was safe and the paramedics said she was okay."

"How can people throw away their kids, Lex?" And because Alex didn't have an answer, she just brought Olivia to bed and held her tight.


	6. Chapter 6

After guiding Olivia to bed, Alex undressed and snuggled in next to her, pressing their skin together and soothing Olivia as she sobbed.

"Shh, Liv, it'll be okay," Alex whispered. She rubbed Olivia's back and ran her fingers through her hair.

When Olivia stopped crying a while later, she shook her head and rested it above Alex's shoulder, and put her arms around her waist. "Elliot kept asking me today if we were trying anything else. As if we didn't already know what our options were."

"Did you tell him about the surgery on Wednesday?"

"That's none of his business. The Captain knows I'm having minor surgery, and that's it. I really don't need sympathy from him."

"He's been your partner for more than ten years, Liv. He does care about you, you know."

"Yeah, but we don't talk about this stuff, and I don't see the need to start now. I've got you right here, and that's all I need."

"Charmer," Alex said, kissing her. "I love you."

Olivia smiled through her tears and leaned over her, running her fingers up Alex's bare sides. "You know we only have a few days left before I have to cut you off for four to six weeks."

"Are you saying I should get my fill now, Detective?"

Olivia pressed their noses together and looked into Alex's eyes. "I'm saying you better take advantage while you still can." She kissed Alex gently. "Is this okay, or do you want to switch? We haven't tried it like this in a while," Olivia said quietly.

Alex wrapped her arms around Olivia's neck and pulled her down. "This is perfect."

—

Alex stalked up to the prosecution table at 9 AM on Monday morning with steam coming out of her ears, after Olivia had spent most of the weekend crying in Alex's arms and Susan Watson had sat in interrogation refusing to say a word. She shot Trevor Langan a look as he took the bench next to his client.

"Docket ending -4783, People vs. Susan Watson. Charges are one count of murder in the first degree, one count attempted murder, and two counts child negligence. How does your client plead?" Judge Ridenour asked, a bored look on his face.

"Not guilty," she stated, emotionless.

"Not guilty by reason of extreme emotional distress. My client was reacting to difficult personal circumstances and not in her right mind," Trevor supplied.

"So entered. Can I hear the People on bail?"

"The People request remand. The defendant clearly planned out her crime, as she drove to the middle of the George Washington Bridge late at night during a rainstorm, parked her car, and proceeded to carry out murder in the presence of nearly a dozen NYPD officers and a trained hostage negotiator, while putting the lives of all the officers involved at risk. She is a danger to her other minor child, who is in the custody of Child Protective Services, and has no other family ties in New York. We consider her a danger to others and a serious flight risk."

"ROR, Your Honor. My client's child is in the custody of the state and her emotional issues make it difficult for her to aide in her own defense in a prison environment. She has limited financial resources, and remanding her into custody would be cruel and unusual."

"If limited financial resources and emotional issues are all it takes to stay out of prison, I guess we better empty Rikers," Alex retorted.

"My client's history of mental illness and emotional distress caused her to lose her only son. Where's your compassion, Alex?"

Alex glared at Trevor. "My compassion is with the little boy who fell 212 feet to his death and whose body still hasn't been found."

"Watch it, Ms. Cabot, or I'll hold you in contempt. The defendant is remanded into custody, but I'm ordering a 730 exam to determine the extent of her alleged mental health issues and whether or not she's competent to stand trial," Ridenour ruled, banging his gavel.

Alex huffed and turned on her heel, avoiding eye contact with Trevor, and went to George's office.

"Hey, Alex, come in," he said warmly when she knocked on the door. She went in and sat down, leaning her briefcase against the legs of the chair.

Alex sighed. "Hi George," she said, smiling as he studied her. "What's your take on the Susan Rice case? The judge ordered a 730 exam."

George put his pen down and folded his hands on his desk. "I haven't talked to her yet," he said kindly. "But my take from watching her over the weekend is that she's probably depressed, and I don't think she has very high intelligence. I'm not sure she understood what was going on. I think she's clouded by post-partum depression."

"Post-partum? Her daughter is 2."

George shook his head. "Her medical records show that she had a stillbirth at 24 weeks about 6 months ago, around the time when her boyfriend went to jail. Langan just sent them over. She hadn't mentioned it to the detectives yet as far as I know. She didn't talk much at all this weekend."

"That explains why he was giving me dirty looks in court this morning and talking to me about compassion," Alex said, looking at the file. "He should know better than to try that with me."

George nodded. "This might be a tough case for you, Alex," George said. "And for Olivia."

"Olivia was a wreck on Saturday night," Alex confirmed quietly. "I can't imagine having to watch that… she was shattered when she came home."

"And what about you? You both lost two children recently."

"Three," Alex corrected. "We hadn't announced the first pregnancy yet. It was too early, and I lost it at 7 weeks. And we… exhausted all of our other options a few weeks ago."

"I'm sorry, Alex." George said, smiling understandingly. "It must be difficult to work on a case like this when you're struggling with your own loss."

Alex shook her head. "When I was raped, it's not like I suddenly found the crime of rape to be more reprehensible. I understood it better, from the victim's side, but… my feelings on the topic didn't really change. But this… George, we see so many kids who are unloved, and mistreated, and abused, and kids who cycle in and out of foster care… and these people get to have kids, and sometimes keep having kids, and meanwhile, someone's telling us that we're unfit to be parents? This woman literally threw her child away."

"It's not fair," George supplied, and Alex nodded in agreement. "I have no doubt you would both make wonderful parents."

"Doesn't matter. It doesn't really look like that's an option for us at this point. We'll have to settle for being aunts." She reached over to pick up her briefcase. "I'm going to call Langan to set up the exam. Any chance you can do it tomorrow? I'm out of the office at the end of the week."

"Tomorrow's fine. Will you ask Munch and Fin to look into the circumstances of the stillbirth this afternoon? I only have the medical details here, and it would be good to know how she reacted at the time and how she felt about the pregnancy."

Alex nodded, staring absentmindedly at the corner of George's desk. "I can do that," she said.

"Alex?"

"I felt her move," Alex whispered, her eyes fixed on a coffee mug filled with pens. "Our daughter, at 16 weeks. I never told Olivia because it was early, and I wasn't sure… and then we lost her." She picked up her briefcase and stood up abruptly, slipping back into her professional mask. "I'll email you and let you know what time tomorrow after I talk to Trevor. Thanks, George."

—

When Alex got back to the DA's office, she knocked on Casey's door, and entered to find her sitting with Sarah and a young man.

"Alex, meet our interns. You know Sarah, and this is Grant. They were squabbling over SVU this morning," Casey said proudly.

Alex smiled at Sarah and held out her hand to Grant. "Alex Cabot. Nice to meet you," she said, as he stood up to shake her hand.

"Nice to meet you, Ms. Cabot," he replied shyly.

"Please, Alex is fine," she said. "Squabbling over SVU, huh? Not Homicide or Major Case? That's new," she said to Casey, sitting down in a free chair. "I have to say, I'm flattered."

Casey nodded. "Not to worry; I've already rubbed it in Jim Steele's face for you once this morning, but feel free to do it again. They both know that they're free to request another department at any time, or choose not to work on certain cases, and that they won't have much interaction with victims or perps. We'll give you questions and cases to research, and you're free to watch either of us in court whenever you like. Do you have anything to add?"

"Just talk to one of us if the cases start getting to you. SVU isn't easy, and everyone on the team has gotten overly involved in a case at one point or another." She shared a look with Casey and they laughed. "I don't think you'd be able to do too much damage, but don't be martyrs, okay?"

They nodded.

"Alright, let's go over our open cases. I've got two rapes, a rape-homicide, a child abuse, and a suspected molestation," Casey began.

"And I've got two rapes, a gang rape, and a woman who threw her three year old son off the George Washington bridge this weekend," Alex finished. "You'll both be with Casey later in the week, since I'll be taking personal days on Wednesday, Thursday, and possibly Friday, but I'll leave some stuff to do and I'll be available. Whoever's with me can come to observe the 730 exam with Susan Watson tomorrow at the precinct."

"Can I take that one?" Grant asked.

Alex nodded. "Fine. Why don't you come to my office and we'll both get you guys up to speed on our cases. And if they're not doing lunch for you today, we'll take you out to lunch and then go over to meet the detectives. How does that sound?"

Grant followed Alex into her office, and she cleared off a spot on her conference table for him to put his things.

"So, what brings you to the DA's office?" Alex asked, taking off her coat and sitting down behind her desk. "And to SVU?"

"I just finished my second year at Columbia Law," he replied shyly. "I'm in prosecution, and I thought it would be good to have some experience… I was just drawn to SVU, I guess."

Alex moved a pile of case files and smiled. "It's a bit of a personal question, but everyone has a reason for coming to SVU. For me, it was politics. I thought it would be a good career move. When I came back, it was because SVU is family. And I couldn't imagine being anywhere else." She offered him a bottle of water from the mini-fridge behind her desk. "We're not kidding when we say SVU is tough, but we do work with some of the best people. You'll meet them in a bit."

They chatted about Columbia and Alex's current cases, until it was almost lunchtime, and they got up to meet Casey and Sarah.

"Figure out why you want to be in SVU," Alex advised him when they were done, locking the door to her office. "Because that's where your blind spot will be."

—

Olivia gripped Alex's hand as they walked into the pre-op room early on Wednesday morning, Olivia carrying her overnight bag, and Alex clutching her briefcase with a ream of papers, from Olivia's medical power of attorney and living will to their domestic partnership certificate.

They had waited more than an hour after Olivia's scheduled appointment time, with Alex pacing back and forth, muttering about incompetence, when a nurse finally stuck her head in the room.

"Detective Benson?" she asked.

A tired Olivia nodded and intercepted Alex's hand as she raised it to scold the nurse for her tardiness.

"I just wanted to let you know that there was a bad car accident early this morning, and all of our operating rooms are currently full, so we're having to delay some routine procedures like yours. You'll likely still get in a bit later today, but we're not sure yet exactly how long it'll be. I'm going to check you in to a regular room so you'll be a bit more comfortable and have a TV, and we'll update you as soon as we have more information."

"Any chance I could get something to eat?" Olivia asked. "I've been fasting since last night, and I'm starving."

The nurse smiled sympathetically. "Let me check with the doctor. Normally, you can't eat for 8 hours before surgery, so it'll depend on how fast they think they can get you in there."

Olivia thanked the nurse and sat back in the bed, pulling Alex in to lay down next to her. "Stop worrying; it's going to be fine," she whispered for the umpteenth time, stroking Alex's cheek. "Listen, it's going to be a while, so why don't you go get some coffee, and bring back a magazine or something trashy to read that isn't a case file, and we can play cards or something until it's time, okay?"

"I don't want to leave you…"

"I promise I'll call if they come back and I won't let them take me in without giving you a kiss. But coffee and a magazine will keep you from going crazy. Or driving me crazy," she said, winking.

"I thought you liked it when I drove you crazy," Alex pouted.

"You pacing is not the same kind of crazy," Olivia explained. "Go. Get some coffee. You'll feel better. And if the nurse comes back and tells me I can have one, I'll call you to get me one, too."

After Alex left, Olivia settled into an armchair with a Sudoku puzzle and tried not to focus on the upcoming surgery, but she jumped out of her seat when she heard a shriek come from the hall.

She peaked out of the door to see a young girl being wheeled down the hallway on a bed, her dark hair matted and a veil being cut off by a nurse with safety scissors. A male nurse backed away from the bed, holding his hands in the air.

"I don't know what's wrong. I didn't even touch her," he said.

"Just get Dr. Logan," the other nurse snapped. "And call SVU!"

Olivia followed as they wheeled her into a room across the hall, and poked her head in. "I'm SVU," she said, recognizing the nurse from previous work encounters. She entered the room and smiled kindly at the young girl, who was crying and cowering as the nurse carefully cut off her clothes and covered her with a hospital gown.

Olivia approached her slowly from the side, and held out her hand after making eye contact for a brief moment. The left side of the girl's face and her left shoulder were covered with blisters, perhaps from a fresh burn, and once the nurse had tied the back of the hospital gown around her neck, she took some cotton pads and began to treat the burned area. The girl took Olivia's hand and gripped it, shrieking again as the nurse touched the burn, and again, pushing her legs together, as Dr. Logan entered the room.

Olivia kept squeezing the girl's hand, never breaking eye contact, as she began muttering words in a language Olivia couldn't identify, and Olivia responded by speaking in a soft, soothing tone.

"13-year-old girl, or thereabouts, no ID, brought in from an acid attack. I had Mike call SVU. Girl freaked out when he got near her, which I thought suggested sexual assault. Then I saw the blood test results," the nurse stated, handing the file over to the doctor.

"She's pregnant," Dr. Logan said, incredulous. "Probably about 5 months, by the looks of these hormone levels, but we'll have to check. I doubt she's had prenatal care or this would have already been reported."

"We have no idea who she is or where she's from. She doesn't appear to speak any English," the nurse offered.

"Or French, or Spanish, or Italian," Olivia supplied. "I tried out a few things and she hasn't responded to any of it or acknowledged that she understood."

"I'm going to see if she'll let me do a brief physical exam. I don't want to traumatize her too much until we can get an interpreter and explain what's going on, but I'd like to know what we're dealing with, here." Dr. Logan said.

The doctor came up to the girl's side and showed her hands, before gently pressing them on her abdomen. "She's definitely at least 4-5 months along. I'm getting a lot of kicks and movement."

Her eyes filled with tears and she held on to Olivia's hands as the doctor lifted up the gown and gently pushed the girl's legs apart and pulled aside her panties.

"Jesus," she said, dropping the gown and removing her gloves.

"What is it?" Olivia asked.

"She's been completely infibulated."


	7. Chapter 7

"Infibulated?" Olivia asked.

"Mutilated," Dr. Logan explained. "All of her external sex organs have been cut off and she's been sewn up, rather crudely, I might add. She looks like Barbie. It's scarred over, so it's been at least a few years. She's swollen and red, which points to a recent sexual assault, but I'm not sure I can give her an exam without causing her extreme pain."

Olivia winced. "Do you think you could at least do a swab if I hold her hand?"

Dr. Logan took some cotton swabs and held them up for the girl to see, and took the black light. Olivia watched as the girl held very still and scrunched up her face, anticipating pain.

"I've got fluids on her legs, too," she said, taking another set of swabs. "I've seen this on grown women before, but never on a child. This is the most extreme case I've seen."

"Okay, it's okay," Olivia soothed repeatedly. She took a box of tissues from the side table and held them, as the girl took one and dried her tears.

When she was done, she looked at Olivia and blinked her bright green eyes, whispering the only word Olivia understood she she had started speaking. "Shukran."

Olivia squeezed her hand and smiled gently. "Afwan," she replied. Olivia raised her hand and placed her palm on her chest. "Olivia," she said, indicating herself, before pointing at the young girl.

"Ismii Safa," the girl replied. "Shukran, Ooleevia."

Olivia pointed. "Ismii Safa?"

"La," the girl said, shaking her head and placing her palm on her chest again. "Safa."

"Safa," Olivia said warmly. She looked at the doctor. "So, she speaks Arabic. Any chance you can narrow down where she's from based on her… mutilation?"

The doctor shook her head. "It's mostly practiced in Africa, so maybe rural Egypt? It's less common in other North African countries and on the Arabian peninsula, but still possible."

A nurse knocked on the door and stuck her head. "SVU is here; can I send them in?"

Dr. Logan nodded, and Elliot and Munch pushed open the door. Safa immediately gasped, bringing her hands up to cover her head.

"Guys, can you give her a sec?" Olivia asked. She looked around and reached for a folded up cloth, which she brought to Safa's forehead and wrapped around her hair. "Okay?"

They came back in, and Safa curled up, retreating as far as possible into the hospital bed, hiding behind Olivia.

"Liv, what are you doing here? I thought you had the day off?" Elliot asked. "Captain said you'd be gone for a few days, and Cabot was out too… I thought you were off getting sexed up somewhere. Proposing, maybe."

Olivia blushed and waved her hand. "I was in the neighborhood," she said vaguely. "This is Safa. She was brought in for an acid attack to her face, and she's pregnant and she's been mutilated. Dr. Logan is going to do an ultrasound to see how far along she is. The most I've been able to get out of her is that she speaks a dialect of Arabic, so she could be Egyptian."

John held up a fingerprint card. "INS may be able to tell us who she is if she entered the country legally."

He approached her cautiously and reached for her hand, but Safa scooted behind Olivia and hid her face, so Olivia took the ink and the card and placed it on the rolling table.

"It's okay, sweetie," she soothed, taking the girl's hands. She began explaining the fingerprinting process and did the cards.

As she handed them off to John, Alex burst into the room. "Hi sweetie, the nurses told me you were in here. No coffee for you because they said it won't be more than another hour or two," she said, stopping when she saw Elliot and Munch. "Detectives. What are you doing here?"

"We could ask you the same question," Elliot answered.

"Sweetie? That's cute," Munch said, smirking. "I never imagined you calling anyone 'sweetie.'"

Alex rolled her eyes. "Did you tell them you were here?"

"No," Olivia replied. "I came in here because this girl was shrieking in the hallway, and it turns out she's an SVU case. So they showed up."

"That still doesn't explain what you two are doing here when it's supposed to be your day off," Elliot said.

"El, if I'd wanted you to know, I would've told you," Olivia said. "But since you're here, I'm supposed to be having very minor surgery this morning, which would have already been finished, except there was a car accident and all of the operating rooms were full. So the nurse admitted me, and Alex left to get coffee because she was going crazy sitting around waiting, and I heard Safa screaming in the hall and went to check it out, which is how we ended up here."

"You could have told me you were having surgery, Liv," Elliot said.

"It's not a big deal, El, it's just a little thing that I have to get taken care of. You guys should go figure out who this girl is and see if you can get an interpreter down here."

"Alright, let's go see what we can find," Munch said, heading towards the door. "Good luck, Liv. Don't let them implant anything in you." He winked.

"Bye, guys."

They left, and Alex walked over to where Olivia was sitting on the bed, putting an arm around her and kissing her forehead.

"I didn't want to do that while they were here," Alex admitted as Olivia leaned into her embrace. "You doing okay? Not too nervous?"

Olivia shook her head, and leaned in closer to Alex. "Can I at least smell your coffee?" she said desperately.

Alex laughed and rolled her eyes. "Oh, so that's what this was about. My coffee." She took the cover off and held it under Olivia's nose. "Is that better, sweetie?"

Olivia nodded and inhaled deeply, smiling. "Much better."

"When you're done making out with my coffee, want to introduce me to your friend?" Alex asked, smiling at the young girl.

Olivia introduced Safa, and gestured towards Alex. "Alex," she said, and when Safa looked confused, she elaborated. "Alexandra."

Safa's eyes lit up in recognition. " _Aleskandria_ ," she said. "Alesk."

Dr. Logan entered, pushing the ultrasound machine, and Safa whimpered, hiding behind Olivia again.

"It's okay, sweetie. It won't hurt, I promise," Olivia soothed, as the doctor held up the implement to show her and then pressed it to her stomach through the gown, demonstrating that it didn't hurt. Moving slowly, Olivia held one of Safa's hands and used the other to lift up her hospital gown to her chest.

Safa jumped as the gel bottle farted and cool globs landed on her stomach.

"You don't have to stay for this," Olivia said quietly, looking over at Alex. "She's scared, so I'm going to hold her hand, but if you want to wait outside…"

"No, it's okay," Alex said, settling into a chair next to the bed. She tried not to look at the screen, but Olivia noticed that she kept glancing over as the doctor took various images and measurements.

After a few minutes of silence, the doctor let out an audible sigh, pausing the ultrasound on an image of the fetus's lungs.

"Do you see that?" she said, pointing to a spot in the middle. "That shows her lung development. It means she's at around 25-26 weeks, so even if Safa wants to, I wouldn't be legally able to do an abortion."

Olivia smiled gently at Safa, watching Alex out of the corner of her eye.

"She?" Alex asked, and the doctor came back to the scan of the fetus's genitals, and pointed it out on the screen.

"It's a girl," the doctor confirmed. "She's a bit on the small side, but I don't see any obvious problems. It can be a bit hard to tell at this late stage with no prenatal care, but everything looks normal. Once you guys get a social worker down here, I'll talk to her about scheduling a C-section, since she's too young to give birth naturally. I'll also want to open up her scar before she gets too much farther along, because being closed up that tightly will prevent her cervix from dilating properly, and cause complications. And if she were to go into labor, there's a chance she could rip the scar tissue open and haemorrhage."

"Okay, well once we get the parents and the social worker in here, we can discuss all of that with them," Olivia said, watching Alex get up and walk out into the hallway. "Excuse me a second." She squeezed Safa's hands and followed Alex out, pulling her into a hug.

"That poor girl," Alex finally said, sniffling into Olivia's shoulder. "I'm sorry, I'm just a little edgy this morning."

"Hey, it's okay," Olivia said, rocking her gently. "We're not officially on this case, and it is a really bad one. I just thought she was scared and needed a hand to hold. But I know that must have been hard for you, too."

"I'll be okay," Alex choked. "It's just… she shouldn't be…"

"I know, babe."

"Detective Benson?" a nurse asked, walking by. "They'll be ready for you in pre-op in about 5 minutes. Are you ready?"

Olivia nodded. "Let's just say goodbye to Safa," she said, holding Alex's hand as they headed back down the hall into her room.

The doctor had gone, and she was alone in the room, curled up tight in the corner of the bed and whimpering. She looked up when Olivia entered the room slowly, and her crying stopped. Olivia sat back down on the bed and covered her with a blanket, then brushed the hair behind her ear on the side of her face that hadn't been burned.

"Hey, I've got to go," she said softly, "but it'll be okay. The doctors and police officers will take good care of you, and I'll come back to visit later if you're still here, alright? Don't be scared; nobody's going to hurt you here." Olivia squeezed her hand and smiled, and then got up, taking Alex's hand and heading towards the pre-op room.

"I don't know how you do that," Alex said as they walked down the hall together. "She doesn't even understand what you're saying to her."

"She understands kindness," Olivia said. "The nurses weren't going to try to talk to her once they realized she didn't speak English. The poor thing is terrified, and she's clearly been through a lot. She's barely a teenager, Lex, and she probably has no idea what's going on."

Olivia changed into her gown and handed the rest of her belongings to Alex as she got on the gurney. She took Alex's hand and brushed her cheek as Alex's lip started to quiver. "Sweetie, it's okay. I'm going to be fine, I promise," she whispered. "I love you."

"I'm just being silly," Alex said, her voice shaky.

"Hey, you're not being silly. But I'm not going anywhere."

"Don't walk towards any bright lights," Alex said.

"I won't," Olivia smiled. "I'll see you in a few hours, okay?" Alex nodded. "And maybe you could go sit with her, if you want? She might like the company."

Alex took Olivia's hand and kissed her gently as the nurse cleared her throat, ready to take Olivia away. "I love you. I'll be there when you wake up."

After the doors closed, Alex went back down to Safa's room and peeked in, then entered slowly and pointed at the chair next to the bed, asking for permission to sit. Safa stayed huddled under the blanket and watched Alex, her eyes peeking out over the arms folded on her knees, and she nodded almost imperceptibly.

Alex tried to adopt the same soothing tone Olivia always used with victims. "I'm just going to sit here with you until Olivia comes back, if that's okay," she said, taking out a copy of the New Yorker. "You're being very brave, but I thought you could use some company, so you wouldn't have to be alone in here. I know it can be scary. And to be honest, I could use some company, too."

She flipped through the pages of the magazine, but spent more time watching Safa out of the corner of her eye, who was scooting, very slowly, over to Alex's side of the bed.

Alex pulled a couple of Dove chocolates and her iPhone out of her purse and held out a chocolate to Safa, who took it and examined the wrapper. Then, she opened her phone to the most recent cat video Liz had sent, and stood next to the bed to press play, holding it in front of Safa. After a minute, Safa looked up at her and put her hands on Alex's arm, guiding her down to sit next to her on the bed.

By the third video clip, Safa was giggling, her head on Alex's shoulder, and Alex clicked away into her photos to find pictures of her own cat. Before the app could load, Safa paused, and took Alex's hand, placing it on her stomach, where she felt a strong kick.

"Wow," Alex said, sitting up and turning to smile at Safa. She took a deep breath and tried to mask her sadness, but bright green eyes met hers, and Safa squeezed her hand, and maintained eye contact as she touched her fingers gently to Alex's abdomen.

Alex squeezed her hand back and shook her head sadly, blinking back tears.

The moment was interrupted when the door opened, and Alex let go of Safa's hand to pick up and hide the chocolate wrappers that were between them on the bed.

"I see you made a friend?" Munch said, as he and Elliot strode into the room, followed by a third man, whom Alex guessed to be an interpreter.

Safa adjusted the cloth on her head and held on to Alex's arm, hiding behind her, and Alex squeezed her hand.

"I thought you were the nurse," Alex said, handing him the candy wrappers to throw in the trash. "We've been bonding over funny cat videos and Dove chocolates, which the nurse doesn't know I've been giving her."

"Where's Liv?" Elliot asked, looking around, avoiding eye contact with Alex. He was clearly holding a grudge from not having been told about her surgery.

"She's in surgery," Alex said. "The doctor knows I'm in here and said she'd come get me when she goes into recovery. It's not a very long procedure."

"What's she having done, anyway?"

"Elliot, that's her business, and if she wanted to share it with you, she would have. So please respect her privacy," Alex said firmly.

"I'm just worried, that's all," he said.

"We figured out who the girl is," Munch said, clearing his throat. "Her name is Safa al-Masri, and she's from rural Yemen, near Sana'a. Her father is a diplomat and works at the UN. According to her Yemeni passport, her birthday is August 13, 1999, and she arrived in the country in December, 2008 on a dependent visa. There's no record of her ever having been enrolled in public or private school in the city, but the Arab League delegation does have tutors and teachers on staff."

"She's not even 12," Alex gasped. "Where's the mother?"

"We haven't been able to find that out yet. We're trying to get a copy of her birth certificate, but if she was born out in the middle of nowhere, she might not have one," Elliot said. "But there's no record of a spousal visa ever having been issued for Mr. al-Masri."

Alex felt Safa shake behind her, and noticed that the interpreter was looking right at her. He said nothing, and his expression was neutral, but Alex couldn't help but feel like Safa felt threatened by him.

"You couldn't find a woman to interpret?" she asked, holding Safa's hand tightly. "If the acid attack and the abuse are related, she's not going to talk to him about it. She freaked out earlier when the male nurse came near her, and she wasn't cowering in fear like this until you guys came into the room."

"Most of the Arabic-speaking interpreters on the NYPD's payroll are on the anti-terrorism taskforce. There was only one woman on the list, from Morocco, and she's on vacation for the next month. And we were told that there are too many differences between Moroccan dialect and Yemeni dialect to be able to get an accurate interpretation. Mr. Assad is Yemeni, so they should be able to understand each other," Munch explained.

Alex shrugged and turned to Safa. "They're just going to ask you some questions about what happened this morning, okay? You're safe here; nobody's going to hurt you."

The interpreter spoke, and Safa's eyes widened, and she nodded.

"Can you tell us where you were going when you were attacked?" Munch asked, keeping his voice soft and even.

Safa nodded, keeping her eyes lowered, and began to speak, barely audibly.

"She says she knows she's not supposed to leave the house by herself, but there's a woman in the bakery near her house who gives her warm cookies sometimes. She was walking back home when she was attacked on the sidewalk. She doesn't know who did it."

"Did they say anything?"

Safa spoke again, tears filling her eyes. "They said, 'American whore.'"

"You didn't recognize them? You don't know if you've seen them before? Were they young, or old?"

"Maybe in the neighborhood. I don't know. Not too old."

"Can you tell us about your family? Where's your mother?"

"My mother died in childbirth when I was 8, and the baby died too. My father had already taken a second wife, and she made me do all the chores and take care of her baby. My two older brothers got married and left the house, and she wanted to throw me out, but my father wouldn't let her. Mr. al-Masri was a nice man who adopted me and told my father he'd take me to America."

Alex watched Safa's expression carefully, recognizing signs of… what? pain? shame? in the girl's eyes.

"And what can you tell us about the baby?" Munch asked.

"I didn't know there was a baby until today, but it is a gift from Allah," Safa said. "How did it get there?"

"Okay, that's enough," Alex said. "If she's sheltered and uneducated, I doubt she knows how she got pregnant, which means any questions we ask her from this point on will open us up to being accused of 'coaching' her."

Elliot escorted the interpreter out of the room to thank him, and Alex put her hand on Safa's back, rubbing gently as Safa's breathing slowed.

"I don't think he was being fully honest about the interpretation," Alex said as Elliot walked back into the room. "Did you see how he was looking at her? She was intimidated. And she's still shaking."

"Maybe she was scared because she was thinking about the attack," Munch proposed.

Alex picked up her phone and pulled up an article on the browser. "I don't think Mr. al-Masri 'adopted' Safa," she said, showing them the New York Times report on the custom of child marriages in rural Yemen. "I think he married her."


	8. Chapter 8

Dr. Logan stuck her head into the room a little while later. "Ms. Cabot? Detective Benson is up in recovery now. I can bring you up, if you like."

Alex picked up her purse and took out a few more chocolates, which she folded into Safa's hand, winking. "We'll come back and visit soon, okay?"

She followed Dr. Logan out of the room, and stopped when she realized Elliot was following them as well. "Thanks, Detective. Since this will be Casey's case, I suggest you have her look into Mr. al-Masri's personal life, and see if you can't find a female translator who may be able to help us. If not, I know one of our interns is taking Arabic and may be able to help us find someone. I'll let you know."

Elliot cleared his throat. "Yeah, I just wanted to see how Liv's doing…"

"I'll make sure to call you as soon as she's ready for visitors, then," Alex said coolly, smiling until he looked away, accepting defeat. "Probably in a few days, once we're home. Good luck on the case."

"How did it go?" she asked the doctor once they arrived in the recovery room, where Olivia was still sedated.

"Everything went according to plan. We were able to do the surgery laproscopically, so she has a very small incision in her lower abdomen that she'll have to avoid getting wet for a few days. I'm going to recommend she take the next four weeks off and avoid strenuous activity, and then I'll evaluate her to see if she can go back to active duty. As long as she comes off the anesthesia okay and is up and walking in the next few hours, I'll probably send her home tomorrow. The test results will probably take until next Tuesday, since they got to the lab late today, but I still have no reason to suspect cancer."

"Thank you, Dr. Logan," Alex said. "How long until she wakes up, do you think?"

"Shouldn't be long. Maybe 15 minutes? And before she asks, no, she can't have any coffee until she can keep down some solids."

Alex laughed. "I'll tell her."

After the doctor left the room, Alex slid into the chair next to Olivia's hospital bed and took her hand, intertwining their fingers. "Hey, Liv, you can wake up now," she said softly, running her thumb over Olivia's hand.

"Am I in heaven?" Olivia murmured, her eyelids fluttering. "There's a bright light and I have my own angel."

Alex blushed and reached over to dim the light above Olivia's bed, then leaned over to kiss her forehead. "Hey, sweetie, how are you feeling?"

Olivia sighed happily. "Had a really nice dream. I was at the beach with my beautiful wife, and we were kissing, and then she brought me coffee…"

Wife? Alex thought, smiling to herself as her heart skipped a beat. They hadn't talked about getting married other than deciding they wanted to wait until it was legal in New York, which it still wasn't. Although the legislature had agreed to vote again before the end of the term, so maybe…

"Does she know about me? I'll kick her ass. I'll put her in jail. I'll sue," Alex said, touching Olivia's face.

Olivia brought Alex's hand to her lips and kissed it. "If I'm in heaven, how come none of that is happening yet?" she asked, opening one eye.

Alex chuckled and leaned in for a soft, gentle kiss. "I love you," Alex whispered. "But I can't bring you coffee. The doctor said you have to be able to eat first. And you can't do that until you can keep fluids down and walk. Then I will bring you whatever you want."

"This is cruel and unusual," Olivia whined.

"I know, babe. We'll get through it together," Alex promised, smiling as she kissed her again. "How are you feeling?"

"Great. Mostly 'cause I'm not feeling much of anything just yet. How's Safa? Did you go back to sit with her?"

Alex sat on the side of Olivia's bed and filled her in on the case and on Elliot's antics.

"God, he's so nosy," Olivia complained, rolling her head back. "That's why I didn't tell him in the first place. This is way too personal to get into at work."

Alex snorted. "Well, you'll be happy to know I sent him off with no information. He wasn't happy, but he left. I told him we'd call when you're ready for visitors."

"I don't think this is the kind of surgery that warrants 'visitors'," Olivia said. "It's not like open heart surgery. I'm going to be home in less than a day. If he hadn't seen us here, I could've told him I'd had the flu and he wouldn't have known the difference."

"You don't have to tell him anything if you don't want to. You don't even have to call him. I'll screen your calls."

"I don't know why he thinks this is any of his business. I think he imagines that I used to need him more, before we were together, but that's not really true. We've never had that kind of relationship, but for some reason, now he seems to think we did. He tried to pull this shit when you were in the hospital, too."

"What shit?"

"He kept calling and trying to visit and 'be supportive.' I told him in no uncertain terms that we needed to be left alone, and he acted all butthurt that I wasn't letting him 'be there for me.' Munch tried to set up straight, but he still blames you, I think."

"That would explain the showdown earlier, then. I'm sorry, Liv, I didn't know. I would've kicked his ass."

"I know," Olivia said, smiling ruefully. "But you weren't in any shape to be kicking anyone's ass. I just wanted to protect you from that. Protect us. That's why I didn't tell him anything about the adoption agencies or Noah or the surgery."

"I only told Liz about the surgery when I asked for the days off."

"Yeah, but Liz, your brother… they actually are supportive for these kinds of things. They ask what we need, and if we say, 'Leave us alone,' they do. Elliot was trying to make it about him and how I didn't need him. He doesn't seem to get that if he could respect boundaries, I might talk to him more."

"Okay, well let's not get upset about it," Alex said gently, kissing her forehead. "I don't think we have to worry about him again tonight, anyway, since you're registered as private. Do you want to try some water?" she asked, holding out the cup with a straw.

Olivia took a few sips and the doctor came back. "Ready to go to your room, Detective?" she asked.

Olivia swallowed. "I'm ready. Is Safa going to have to stay overnight? Would you be able to put me in her room?"

"Your insurance covers a private room."

"I know, but she was pretty terrified, and she seems to trust me. That way, if she gets scared at night, she won't be alone."

"If you're sure," Dr. Logan said, looking at Alex, who shrugged. "You may not get a lot of rest."

"I'm sure," Olivia said. "I doubt I'll sleep much here anyway. I'll sleep tomorrow when we go home."

Alex and a nurse supported Olivia on either side as she got down off the bed and into a wheelchair, clutching a pillow to her abdomen.

"Okay, I'm starting to feel it now," she said lightly, grimacing.

"Alright, let's get you back into bed, then," Alex said, wheeling her into Safa's room and over to the empty bed. "Hi sweetie," she said, waving at the young girl, who had resumed her curled up position in the far corner of her bed. "Look who I brought back to stay with you."

Olivia smiled and waved, and Safa lifted her head up slightly, sniffling, and her face stained with tears.

"What happened?" Olivia asked the nurse.

"Shift change," the nurse explained. "Nobody told me she wasn't supposed to have a male nurse. He came in to try to get a urine sample with a catheter, she flipped out when he lifted up her gown, another nurse came in to hold her down, and then they couldn't do it anyway because she's all closed up. So we still don't have our sample."

"That's how you treat a frightened little girl? If she were my daughter, I'd sue," Alex said coldly. "No wonder she's upset. She's supposed to be safe here."

The nurse shrugged. "How were we supposed to know? Nobody told us, and the doctor was in surgery."

"Read her chart?" Olivia suggested. "Or just use common sense and not try to restrain a 12-year-old girl?"

The nurse shrugged again. "Nobody told us."

"Right. It's not your fault," Alex said, rolling her eyes. "Does she have some water so she'll have to go? Why don't you bring her a cup, and we'll make sure she drinks and then goes in the cup for you when she has to."

"I can't wait all day," the nurse said, leaving the room.

"Then bring us a big pitcher of water!" Alex called after her.

Olivia smiled as Alex grabbed a cloth and ran it under some warm water in the bathroom, then brought it over to Safa's bed and held it out. Safa, still shaking, looked up from her folded arms, and Alex reached out and wiped her forehead and then the tears off of her face, carefully avoiding the bandages, and then reached up and adjusted the disheveled makeshift scarf.

"Do you want to come over to sit near us?" Olivia asked gently, pointing to the chair next to her bed.

Safa looked up at Alex, who nodded and put a hand on her back, holding together the hospital gown as she slid out of bed and padded over to Olivia. She hesitated, and Olivia pat the left side of the bed, furthest from the door.

"Lex, will you help me scoot over that way so she can come sit next to me?" Olivia asked, trying to drag her legs closer to the side of the bed in the center of the room.

Alex helped her scoot, and then grabbed Safa's blanket from her own bed and wrapped it around her, until they were both tucked in, just as the nurse came back with a pitcher of ice water, a drinking cup, and a cup for the urine sample.

"She's not supposed to be out of bed," the nurse said sharply, putting the drinks down on the table next to Safa's bed.

"We're just trying to calm her down after whatever it was your people did to her. She's got a burn on her face, but her feet still work. She'll be fine with us, and we'll call if there's a problem."

Alex went over to get the pitcher and poured two glasses of water. "Alright, let's see who will be the first to pee," she said, sticking a straw in each.

They both began drinking their water, and Alex brought out a deck of cards. "How about Memory?" she suggested to Olivia. "I think we could teach her to play."

Once she understood the rules of the game, Safa began beating them both, and giggling, as Alex kept filling her glass of water and encouraging her to drink.

"I was letting her win at first, but I swear I'm not anymore," Olivia said as Safa cleaned house on the fifth game in a row.

"It's her young brain. More elastic," Alex said.

"Are you calling me old, Lex?"

"If the shoe fits," she replied, smirking.

She began to shuffle again as Safa got up and headed towards the bathroom, and Alex grabbed the cup for the urine sample and followed her.

Before Safa could sit, she opened the cup and mimed squatting over it, and held it out for the girl to take, pointing to the toilet. Safa took the cup tentatively with one hand and held onto the handle next to the toilet with the other, as Alex turned to leave.

She had just touched the door handle when she heard a small voice whimpering. "Alesk?"

Alex turned back around and saw the girl perched unsteadily on the toilet, her legs barely apart, wobbling until she dropped the cup trying to get it between her legs.

Alex sighed internally as she picked up the cup and pulled up her sleeve, and, checking quickly to make sure there were no open cuts on her hand, she squatted down in front of Safa and pulled the hospital gown up a bit. She tried to nudge the girl's legs a bit further apart, but Safa whimpered in pain, and when Alex pulled the gown up further, it was all she could do not to vomit. The area between Safa's legs was completely smooth and the skin taut, except for a long, jagged scar that ran from just above where her clitoris should have been down to a very small opening towards the back, where urine dripped out.

She put a hand on Alex's shoulder to steady herself, biting her lip and wincing as the container filled up slowly.

"Hey, it's okay," Alex soothed, looking up and trying not to stare as soon as she had placed the cup. Safa looked away in embarrassment. "Just us girls, right? Take your time."

When Safa finished, Alex pulled away slowly and placed the sealed cup on the counter, then washed her hands and held the door open for the girl to follow her out.

"We can now add Pee Cup Holder to my SVU resumé," Alex said, smiling, as she sat back down in her chair next to the bed. "That's something I didn't anticipate when I applied to law school."

Olivia chuckled. "And technically you're not even on the job. You were doing that out of the kindness of your own heart. You've never had a kid have an accident on you?"

Alex shook her head and tried to keep her tone light and cheery so Safa wouldn't pick up on the horror she'd felt at seeing the scar. "She never would have been able to do that on her own. Liv, she could barely get her legs apart, and there's nothing - I mean, nothing - there, and she was in so much pain, just from peeing. What a cruel thing to do to a little girl. I can't imagine…"

She reached over to press the nurse button on Olivia's remote. "I'm going to tell the nurse that she's got her sample, and then do you want to try to get up to go for a walk?"

Olivia nodded. "Can you help me put my pyjama pants on, though, so I'm not walking around with my butt hanging out?"

Alex smiled and pulled them out of the bag. "Sure. Your butt is only for me." She helped Olivia to the edge of the bed and handed her the pillow from the chair to hold against her lower abdomen, and pulled the pants up to the edge of the bed, until Olivia grabbed onto the bedrail with her other hand and stood up, grimacing slightly. "How do you feel?"

"I've been better," Olivia grunted, as Alex wrapped an arm around her to hold her steady.

"We'll go slow," she said, pressing a kiss to Olivia's cheek. "Let me know if you need to stop to rest."

They walked slowly down towards the elevator and sat down on a bench to rest for a few minutes. "Lex, if this girl has to go into foster care…" Olivia began, once she had caught her breath.

"I know," Alex said. "There's no way the system is equipped to deal with a terrified, pregnant 11 year old who speaks no English."

"We'll never get her to talk to us, no matter how good our interpreter."

"Sarah takes Arabic. I'll ask her tomorrow if there's anyone in the department up at Columbia who could interpret for us. Even if it's not someone court certified, we can record it and get it corroborated later so we at least have some leads. Then if she does end up in foster care, we'll have gotten the information before she's further traumatized."

Olivia tucked Alex's hair behind her ear and cupped her cheek. "Ask her tonight. I want you to go home tonight, Lex," she said gently.

"I'm going to stay here with you," Alex protested. "I'm not leaving."

Olivia shook her head and smiled. "You won't get a good night's sleep and you'll be exhausted tomorrow if you stay here with me, Alexandra," she whispered, caressing Alex's cheek. "Sleeping in an armchair will kill your back. And I'll need you at full strength to fend off Elliot in the morning."

Alex chuckled. "You think I need full strength for that? C'mon, Liv, you know better."

Olivia pulled Alex's head down onto her shoulder. "Stay until after dinner and come back first thing in the morning, preferably with good coffee. There's no reason for you to lose sleep tonight, too. I'll be fine."

"I'll miss you. I won't sleep well without you anyway."

"I'll be home tomorrow and we can cuddle all day," Olivia promised. "Please?"

Alex sighed in defeat and helped Olivia back up to walk back to the room. "Do you want to put your pyjama top on, too?"

Olivia nodded as she sat back down on the bed, next to Safa, who was still curled up. "I think I'll put on the bra, too."

Alex helped her get into her clothes, and Olivia stood up again to lean against her, pulling her into a hug and holding her for several long minutes. "Thank you," she whispered, tears catching in her throat. "For being here. I love you."

Alex held Olivia tight and kissed her gently, then rubbed a tear away with her thumb. "Of course I'm here, Liv. I'll always be here. I love you, too."


	9. Chapter 9

After making sure Olivia had eaten and getting her tucked into bed, Alex headed home.

"Hey," Sarah said as she dropped her purse on the table by the door. "I wasn't expecting you."

"Then I'm glad to see there are no wild parties," Alex said, smiling and hanging up her jacket. "Liv kicked me out with instructions to get actual sleep and to bring her good coffee in the morning."

"Everything went okay?"

Alex nodded and opened the refrigerator, selecting an open bottle of wine. "Yeah, everything's fine. She didn't get in until this afternoon because the ORs were backed up, but of course she used the wait to make friends with a pregnant little girl who speaks no English, who is now an SVU case."

"Little girl?"

"She'll be 12 in August," Alex said, pulling the takeout menus from the drawer in the kitchen. "Have you eaten? I'm going to order some takeout if you want something. Thai, I think, if that's okay."

Alex called to place the order and sat down on the couch to wait, and pulled out her laptop to scroll through the Netflix streaming list.

"You know, it's only your third day. You don't have to be bringing work home just yet," Alex said, noticing that Sarah was reading a law journal.

"Oh this? It's not for work. I just thought it looked interesting," Sarah said. "Casey was in court all morning so we were doing some research in the library for a bit." Her phone buzzed, and she looked at it and smiled before texting back.

Alex smiled. "Reading law journals for fun. I remember when I used to have time to do that. Now I can barely get through the ones I have to read. Did anything interesting happen today?"

"Not really. This afternoon, Casey was going over something about DNA testing and the use of partial profiles. I asked Grant about law school and how he likes it, but he wasn't very chatty."

"He's seemed shy so far, but I think it's just getting used to a new job and new people. Speaking as someone who's been accused of being standoffish, I don't really think that's the case with him. He'll warm up. Or we'll get a case that gets to him and we'll see what he's really like then," Alex said.

The doorbell rang and Alex got up to get the food, and found Sarah texting again, a smile on her face, when she came back into the living room with the plates.

"What are you smiling about?" she asked, nodding towards the phone.

Sarah blushed and shook her head. "Nothing," she said. She reached for her plate, avoiding eye contact.

"Does 'Nothing?' have a name?"

"It's just one of my friends from school who's in the city this summer," she said, unconvincingly.

"Okay," Alex said, not buying her story. She eyed Sarah and waited for elaboration, but when none was forthcoming, she changed the subject. "By the way, do you happen to know anyone in the Arabic department at your school who would be able to translate for a Yemeni girl? A woman, preferably?"

"I can email my Arabic teacher and ask, but I'm not sure she's around this summer. I think she was going back to Tunisia for a few weeks. Why?"

"For this girl we met today. All the Arabic translators we have on the department list are men, and the one who came today freaked her out. If we're going to figure out who attacked her and how she got pregnant, we're going to need someone she's not afraid of to help us."

"I don't think any of the professors are from Yemen, but I can ask. She's pretty nice; I bet she'll get back to me even if she's not around. If I don't hear from her within a few days I can look at the summer course schedule to see who's teaching and email one of them."

"Thanks. Give her my phone number and ask her to call me or to pass it along to whoever might be interested, and I'll coordinate with Casey. We don't even have a statement from this girl yet, so there's not a whole lot we can do yet except figure out how to question her."

Sarah opened her laptop on the coffee table and reached over her plate to type up a quick email.

—

Olivia grimaced as she shifted in the bed, still in a bit of pain, and reached over to take her book off of the side table. She had teased Alex when she'd spent ten minutes arranging and rearranging all of her person effects so that everything would be in reach during the night, but now she was grateful that she didn't really have to move. She had tried to go to sleep, but the lights and noise from the hallway and the nearby nurses' station kept her awake.

The nurses had come in earlier to give Olivia the last of her pain medication for the night and to scold her again for letting Safa out of her own bed. Fortunately, the night nurses seemed more sympathetic, and had coaxed the girl without too much difficulty into getting into her own bed and taking a sleeping pill, then closed the curtains around her for privacy.

After rereading the same page three times, Olivia put down her book and leaned her head back on the pillow, touching her fingers lightly to the bandage on her abdomen as tears prickled in her eyes. Since scheduling the surgery, she had barely allowed herself to cry. Alex was afraid she had cancer, and she didn't want to worry her more. Maybe worrying about cancer was Alex's way of dealing with the outcome they still hadn't talked about since their weekend on the Vineyard: it was unlikely that they would ever have children.

Olivia had held Alex in her hospital bed and they had cried together for what seemed like forever after the doctor had told Alex that her likelihood of a successful pregnancy after a miscarriage that had ended in sepsis and near death was 'very small.' When she had finally stopped crying, Alex had pulled away and bit her lip like she was thinking, and then whispered, "Liv, I'm sorry… If you need to be with someone who can give you kids…" She hadn't finished her sentence when Olivia had looked furious, pulled her back into her arms abruptly, and said fiercely, "Don't you dare even finish that thought. I need you."

She wiped a tear from her eye and reached for her cell. _I'm bored, she texted to Alex. I miss you._

—

Alex picked up her phone and chuckled. She'd been gone less than an hour. _I guess you shouldn't have made me leave, then. I'm just finishing dinner, then I'm going to watch the Daily Show and go to bed. Get some sleep, and I'll be there first thing in the morning. Sweet dreams. I love you._

Sarah closed her laptop after emailing her professor and put it back on the coffee table. "His name is Jake," she said, taking another bite of her dinner.

"Ah," Alex said as she raised an eyebrow. "'Just one of your friends' Jake?"

Sarah blushed. "He's doing an internship with Amnesty International. He asked me to go to dinner with him on Friday."

"Did you say yes?"

Sarah nodded.

"So you have a date. Congratulations. I'm happy for you," Alex said, smiling genuinely.

Sarah pushed her food around on her plate nervously. "I guess so. I mean, we went to coffee a few times this semester, and we studied for the political science final together. He was in my Politics of Human Rights class," she explained.

"And were those dates?"

"I… I don't know. Maybe?" She suddenly looked concerned and put her plate down, looking away from Alex. "I didn't realize this was a date," she said quietly.

Alex reached over to touch her arm. "Is that a problem? I mean, you like him, right? Does it matter what you call it?"

Sarah shrugged, and started closing up the takeout containers, then picked up their plates and brought them into the kitchen. Alex followed her, and leaned against the counter as Sarah busied herself by scraping and rinsing the dishes.

"Is something wrong?" Alex asked gently. "If you don't want it to be a date, you can tell him you just want to be friends."

"No, I do like him; that's not it."

"Okay," Alex said. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Sarah shrugged. "I just… I haven't been on a date."

"Well, I've been on a few in my day. Usually you just go to a restaurant and try to talk about things you have in common or that interest both of you. Even better if you already know he's not going to talk about himself for 45 minutes straight or try to mansplain the importance of his corporate mergers using really small words so your female brain can understand," Alex smiled, then looked up to see that Sarah was in tears. "Hey, I was just teasing," she soothed.

Alex opened the freezer and pulled out a container of ice cream, and grabbed two spoons from the drawer.

"Isn't that Olivia's?" Sarah said when Alex handed her the ice cream and motioned for her to sit down at the counter.

Alex shrugged. "I can get her more tomorrow. But this seems more serious than a cup of tea, and I can't give you a scotch for another few months, so… talk to me," she offered, watching Sarah carefully.

"I just… do you think I have to tell him?" A tear rolled down Sarah's cheek as she spoke, barely audibly.

"About the rape?" Alex asked gently.

Sarah swallowed and nodded, avoiding eye contact by digging into the ice cream.

"I don't think that's necessarily first date material," Alex said. "You don't have to tell him anything you don't want to, but it might be a good idea to talk about it a little before the relationship gets too physical. This is just a first date, though, right?"

Sarah nodded again. "Yeah, but what if he wants to…"

"Hey, 'I'm not ready' is a perfectly acceptable answer if he wants to do something and you're not quite there yet. Doesn't matter what it is," Alex soothed. "You don't owe him an explanation, and if he's not a jerk, he'll want to make sure you're comfortable with everything you do together. And when he comes to pick you up on Friday, we can have Olivia answer the door with her badge and gun so he'll know to be on his best behavior."

Sarah snorted. "I don't think that will be necessary," she said. "How do I know when I'm ready?" she asked quietly, after a long pause.

"For sex?" Alex clarified. Sarah nodded, blushing. "Honey, you're the only one who can decide when you're ready. It's normal to be a little nervous, but you'll just have to pay attention to how you're feeling and make sure that it's not because you're afraid or because you don't trust him." Alex paused for a minute. "Sarah, did you talk about sex when you went to therapy?"

Sarah shook her head. "She… my therapist wanted me to, but I wasn't ready. I wasn't sure I was ever going to be ready."

Alex nodded and tried to emulate Olivia's gentle smile as best she could. "That's normal, sweetheart. I think the survivors who have the toughest time are the ones who were hurt as teenagers, when they were just starting to figure out their sexuality."

"Great. That's reassuring," Sarah said bitterly, pushing the ice cream away. "I just want to be normal."

"I know," Alex said. "I remember feeling the same way." She put the cover back on the ice cream and put it in the freezer, then looked at Sarah, her face in her hands, elbows resting on the counter. "Maybe it would be good to make an appointment with someone who can help you work through your feelings, especially if your relationship starts to get a bit serious. I can get a recommendation for you if you want."

"My roommate's boyfriend came over almost every weekend, and some nights I crashed on the couch in my lounge because I couldn't even go back to my room. And the girl next door had a new guy like every other week. And here I am getting freaked out about one date, when I don't even know… I'm not even sure…"

Alex put her hand on Sarah's shoulder as she started to cry. "Hey, everyone's on a different timeline, okay? You can't compare yourself to what other people are doing. The only good reason for having sex is because *you* want it and the person you're with wants it. Any reasons that have to do with anyone else or involving the word 'should' aren't good reasons."

"I know," Sarah sniffled. "It just feels like everyone at school is having sex all the time and rubbing it in my face."

"It could take a while to be ready," Alex said softly. "Just be patient with yourself and honest about your feelings, okay? This is just a first date. You can take as much time as you need to be ready, and you don't have to jump the gun. One step at a time." She rubbed her hand across the top of Sarah's back. "I'm going to call it a night. I'll drop you off on my way to the hospital if you'll run into the coffee shop so I don't have to park the car. Leave at 7:30?"

Sarah nodded, face still in her hands.

"Don't stay up too late. And it'll be okay." Alex squeezed her shoulder and went to get ready for bed, closing the door to her bedroom and putting on the pyjamas she hardly ever wore.

She set her alarm and snuggled into Olivia's pillow, inhaling her scent, smiling as she saw images of their lovemaking from the night before. They had both . they wouldn't be able to make love for a few weeks after Olivia's surgery, and they had spent hours gently exploring each other's bodies. The first time, Olivia had pulled Alex into her lap, and they faced each other, mouths and chests pressed together, clinging to each other. The second time, Alex had gently pushed Olivia onto her back, straddled her thigh, and pressed their bodies together. After they had cuddled, Alex moved on top of Olivia once again, whispering in her ear 'This one's just for you,' before kissing down her body and settling between her legs. It was rare that Olivia allowed Alex to do that for her, and to allow herself to receive without reciprocating, and Alex appreciated the opportunity to take care of Olivia. They hardly got any sleep before it had been time to go to the hospital.

It had taken her a long time, and a lot of talking with Olivia in the dark, to overcome her insecurities and feel comfortable with her sexuality. She hadn't wanted to tell Sarah how long it had really taken to feel good in her own skin after being raped, in spite of the fact that Olivia had been so gentle, so patient, and had always known exactly what to say. There were still things she wasn't comfortable with, and times she wasn't able to enjoy it. There were still flashbacks, although, they were far less frequent then they had been in the beginning. She had done a lot of therapy and healing work, but it saddened her to think that no matter how much she loved Olivia, and how much of the hard, inner work she did on herself, the rape would always be there, between them.

Sarah's potential boyfriend wouldn't have 12 years of experience with rape victims helping him to know what to do. Olivia, at least, would read Alex's face while they made love, and listen to her body. She knew if Alex started to dissociate, often before Alex realized it, and she brought her back. She let Alex take the lead. She looked into Alex's eyes, and saw her. And with every intimate touch, Olivia breathed out, _I love you_.


	10. Chapter 10

Sarah was quiet the next morning, emerging from her room at the last minute and staying relatively silent in the car. Alex pulled up in front of Olivia's favorite coffee place by the courthouse and sent Sarah in to get coffee and donuts, handing her a list and two twenties.

"You know what kind of coffee Grant likes?" Sarah asked, noticing that the list included orders for Casey and the other intern.

"I asked him on the first day," Alex said. "I pick up coffee for Casey occasionally, and for the SVU detectives, so I figured it'd be nice to know what you guys like, too. Besides, Olivia has a theory that you can tell a lot about someone from their coffee choices."

"And what does an almond latte say about him?"

"I don't know; I haven't asked her yet." Alex saw a parking space and pulled in, realizing that Sarah was not going to be able to carry two trays of coffee and a bag of pastries out by herself.

Sarah yawned as they waited in line.

"Did you sleep okay last night?" Alex asked. "You didn't stay up too late, I hope."

Sarah shook her head. "I went to bed right after you did, but I couldn't fall asleep."

Alex nodded. "You had a lot on your mind."

Sarah took the coffee trays as Alex grabbed the bag of donuts and muffins off the counter, slipping the change into the tip jar. When they got into the car, Alex put her purse on the ground and looked sideways at Sarah before she put her keys in the ignition.

"You can talk to me about it if you want," Alex said. "Or Olivia. I didn't mean to imply last night that you couldn't, and if it's okay with you, we can find some good resources for you to look at. But a therapist can help you work through your feelings and figure out when you're ready for sex, which isn't something we can really help with, okay? Every woman's experience is different."

Sarah nodded, staring straight ahead, as Alex started the car.

—

When Alex arrived at the hospital, she put the coffee and donuts down on the side table and slipped into bed next to Olivia, who was still dozing, intertwining their fingers.

Olivia smiled as Alex pressed a gentle kiss to her temple and murmured something unintelligible.

"Shh, don't wake up," Alex whispered, inhaling smells of Olivia and hospital antiseptic, but Olivia opened her eyes and shifted in bed to look at Alex, wincing as she moved, and pressed their foreheads together and cupped Alex's cheek.

"Morning, beautiful," Olivia whispered, kissing Alex on the lips.

"Morning, love," Alex replied, smiling. "How did you sleep? I brought you coffee."

"I didn't. And thanks." Olivia smiled widely as Alex handed her the steaming cup, closing her eyes and moaning as she took the first sip.

Alex rolled her eyes and sipped her own latte.

"Safa woke up with nightmares," Olivia explained. "So I went over and sat with her for a while during the night. She went back to sleep maybe 3 hours ago. I wasn't sleeping anyway without you."

Alex leaned her head on Olivia's shoulder. "I didn't sleep much without you, either," she admitted. "It was lonely. Even the cat slept with Sarah. But I think she needed him more than I did." She briefly explained their conversation.

"That's rough," Olivia admitted. "I'll see if I can find something to help her."

They heard whimpering from behind the curtain, and Alex got up to pull it back, approaching carefully.

"Good morning, sweetie," she said gently, smiling as she made eye contact with the young girl, whose eyes were filled with tears again. She took a tissue from the table and brushed them away.

Alex reached for her purse and pulled out a lavender scarf, which she held out to Safa. "For you," she said, pulling off the makeshift hijab she had made the night before out of a hospital cloth. Safa smiled as Alex gently wrapped the scarf around her head and tucked in her hair, fastening it with safety pins she'd stuck in her pocket.

"Shukran," Safa whispered, leaning in to hug Alex.

Alex felt the girl stiffen in her arms as the door opened, and Munch and Elliot walked in with an older Middle Eastern man of about 60 and a nurse.

"We found Safa's father," Munch said to the nurse, barely acknowledging Alex. "He's here to take her home as soon as you give the okay."

Alex's stomach turned, and she pulled away from the girl, as Olivia made eye contact with Elliot and he shook his head imperceptibly.

The man started speaking rapidly in Arabic and Alex pulled away, understanding the game.

"I'm sorry," Alex said, standing up to shake his hand. "I'm just visiting here. She was trying to cover her head with this, so I gave her a scarf. It's a gift."

"Mr. Al-Masri, at this point, we're investigating the attack on Safa as part of a series of hate crimes against Muslim women and girls. We'll need you to bring her down to the precinct later this week for an interview with our departmental translator to see if she can remember details of her assailants and assist with the investigation. I assure you that we're taking this very seriously." Elliot said.

"Certainly," the man replied, fixing Safa with a stern look. "I'll make sure she doesn't wander off in the meantime so she'll be safe."

Alex forced a smile. "It was nice to meet you, sweetie," she said, looking back at Safa. "I hope you feel better soon." Her heart nearly broke as Safa reached out to grip her hand, a pleading look in her eyes, and she realized that her suspicious about Safa's 'adoption' were probably spot-on.

She loosened her hand from Safa's grip as the man scolded her again in Arabic and went over to sit in the chair next to Olivia. She could feel Olivia fuming, and rested her hand gently on her arm, calmly sipping her coffee while Safa slowly put on the scrubs the nurse had given her and stood, looking at the floor.

"I can't believe they just let her go home with him!" Olivia spat as soon as the door was closed behind them.

"I can," Alex said gently, rubbing her hand up and down Olivia's arm. "They had nothing to go on for the assault. No victim's statement, no DNA, no nothing. If Mr. Al-Masri thought we suspected him of raping his daughter, or even realized that three SVU detectives and a prosecutor knew she was pregnant and had been sexually abused, there's nothing stopping him from taking her out of the country. If we had CPS remove her now, with no investigation and no evidence, he'd sue, he'd win, and he'd disappear. The best thing we can do is pretend this is just an investigation into the acid attack. A judge can order him to present her for questioning, and since she's a victim, not a suspect, he has no right to be with her or watch the interview, so we can ask her about the abuse. Then, and only then, if she makes an allegation, we can remove her and protect her from him. It's our best shot at keeping her here and keeping her safe."

Olivia shook her head. "We're probably sending her home to be raped again."

Alex sighed and nodded in agreement. "I know."

The door swung open and Munch and Elliot returned, holding coffees from the hospital cafeteria.

"Hey, Liv, how are you holding up?" Munch asked. "Thanks for playing along earlier, Cabot."

"I'm fine. Doctor said she'd be by this morning to check my stitches and get me out of here. Then we have a long day of Netflix and napping on the couch ahead of us. Any leads?"

Elliot shook his head. "We checked out the bakery where Safa said she got cookies this morning. I would have gotten you something if I'd known you'd be in Safa's room, but Alex implied that she didn't want us to visit you, so Munch ate them all."

"Elliot, cut the passive-aggressive crap," Olivia said. "Me having surgery isn't about you, in case you didn't realize."

Elliot didn't respond.

"Anyway," Munch said, smiling at Olivia to break the tension. "Aside from amazingly delicious Middle Eastern pastries, we got a few delicious tidbits. The woman who runs the bakery told us that Safa comes in a few times a week, and that she was teaching her a few words in English and how to write in Arabic. Turns out that Safa's not getting an education with Mr. Yemeni diplomat. She also said there's an older girl that Safa calls her sister, and Safa brings her cookies sometimes. Says the girls look nothing alike."

Alex nodded slowly. "I wonder if they're related at all. Polygamy is common in Yemen, especially among upper classes."

"We're going to check that out today," Elliot said. "And try to track down the adoption papers for Safa to see what they really say."

"OK, well, we don't want to interfere with your cuddling agenda, so we better get back to work on finding an interpreter so we can get this guy. I hope you have a speedy recovery so you'll come back and do my DD-5s soon." Munch grinned.

"Thanks, John," Olivia smiled. "See you guys later."

Munch turned to leave, but Elliot stayed rooted in place as the doctor came in, holding her clipboard.

"Detective Benson," she said warmly. "Good morning. I'm just going to check out your incision, and if everything's good, we'll get you out of here as quick as we can."

"Oh, then we can stay for a minute and help Alex get Liv home," Elliot suggested, not moving.

"Thanks, Elliot, but I've got it," Alex said, staring him down again.

Munch looked from Alex to Olivia and chuckled. "C'mon, Stabler. You don't want to get on Cabot's bad side."

"I think I already am," he muttered, backing down to leave. "Bye, Liv. Let me know if you need anything. But I guess Alex has got everything covered."

Alex rolled her eyes at Olivia and squeezed her hand. "Sorry sweetie. I'm sure he'll get over himself soon."

"I hope so," Olivia replied.

Dr. Logan pulled down Olivia's pyjama pants slightly and peeled away the bandages over the incision, then pressed her abdomen gently. Olivia grimaced.

"Everything looks good," she said, replacing the pants. "If you're in pain, I can give you some Tylenol with codeine or some vicodin for the next few days, but otherwise, ibuprofen should take the edge off just fine."

"I'll stick to the ibuprofen," Olivia said. "I don't like being out of it."

Dr. Logan nodded. "Just be careful for the next few days so you don't pull your stitches, and avoid getting the incision wet for the next three days or so. After that, you should be off work for at least the next two weeks, and then we'll put you on desk duty until you're back 100%. You'll have to avoid strenuous activity for at least the next month. That includes no sex."

"Yeah, we got that," Olivia said, enjoying the disappointed look Alex was giving her over the doctor's shoulder.

"There were no complications and there shouldn't be any polyps left, but even if the test results come back clean, I'd still like to do another exam in eight weeks to make sure they haven't grown back, and then follow up appointments every six months or so."

Alex nodded. "How likely is it that they'll grow back? And what happens if they do?"

"I'm fairly confident that we got everything, so it's unlikely that they'll grow back. If they do, our course of action will depend on how fast they grow and what they look like. Hormone changes due to menopause would slow their growth, so we may take a wait-and-see approach, we may opt to remove them again, or we may consider a hysterectomy at that point. But for now, I'll stress that these are all pure hypotheticals."

"See, Lex? Nothing for you to worry about yet. You wait until we have evidence, and let me deal with the hypotheticals and suppositions," Olivia said, smiling wryly.

Dr. Logan laughed. "Alright, Detective, I don't want to keep you here any longer than I have to, or worry you more than I need to, so I'll give you a call on Monday or Tuesday, as soon as I have the test results, and let you know. In the meantime, I'll have a nurse get you a wheelchair, because you're free to go."

—

When they reached the apartment, Alex helped Olivia to the bathroom and then to bed to take a nap. Alex changed into a silk nightgown and slipped under the covers beside her, pulling Olivia into her arms.

"How are you feeling, really?" she whispered, caressing her face and arms gently.

Olivia kissed her and smiled. "Aside from the fact that I can't make love to my girlfriend for a month? I'm fine, Alexandra." She pushed aside a lock of hair. "Stop worrying about me, and just cuddle with me."

"I remember what it felt like, Liv. Being told that we - that I - couldn't have kids."

Olivia held Alex close. "I know, love. And I can't stop thinking about that little girl, and how unfair it is to her that she's pregnant at 11, and we can't be." She sniffled, and before long, she and Alex were holding each other and crying again until they fell asleep.

When she awoke, Alex was still wrapped up in her arms, reading. She kissed the back of Alex's neck.

"Hey," she said. "What are you reading?"

Alex turned around in Olivia's arms to show her a pink bound book. "My mother's diary from high school."

"You decided to read them?"

Alex nodded. "I put them in order a while ago. I wasn't sure if I was comfortable reading them, but she… couldn't have more kids after me, and I know she had a few miscarriages. That's part of why she was pressuring me to get married and have kids right after law school, so it wouldn't be too late. I want to know how she felt about it."

Olivia nodded. "Anything juicy so far?"

"This is the first one. So far, she hates her math teacher and is very concerned about my grandmother letting her buy a dress for homecoming, because she was sure she was going to be elected homecoming queen."

"Sounds fascinating." Olivia said. She extracted herself from Alex's arms and went to the walk-in closet, where they had a small bookcase, and pulled out a few titles on rape, healing, and sexuality, which she brought back to bed and began to flip through. She grabbed the post-it flags Alex kept handy for reading law journals and bookmarked a couple of passages.

"I don't think we wrote in those, but just make sure if you're going to give them to Sarah," Alex said, noticing the titles.

Olivia nodded and took a piece of paper from the bedside table to write a note. "That's what I'm doing. I'm just going to leave them on her bed, and if she wants to talk, she can come to one of us."

_Sarah -_

_Thought you might want to look at these. I flagged a few things that I think might be helpful,._

_It may take a while to feel ready, and that's completely normal. In the meantime, you might also consider exploring your sexuality and your body by yourself before you do so with a partner. Try reading erotica. Fantasize. These are healthy ways to see what makes you feel good, and what might make you feel uncomfortable. I know you probably don't have a lot of privacy to do these things at school, but you have plenty of privacy here._

_The most important thing to remember is that sex is supposed to feel good physically and emotionally. For that to happen, you have to feel safe enough with your partner to communicate and to allow yourself to be vulnerable, which can be hard even for someone who hasn't been assaulted. If something doesn't feel right for one of you, don't do it. And of course, it goes without saying that you always need to make sure you have each other's consent for everything you do._

_Alex and I are both here for you if you want to talk._

_xoxo, Liv_

She put the books and the note on Sarah's bed and went back to curl up with Alex.

"Mmm, you feel good," Alex murmured, taking Olivia's arm and wrapping it around herself. "That was a long note."

Olivia kissed Alex's temple. "I told her to masturbate."

Alex giggled. "You didn't!"

Olivia nodded. "I did. I left out the part about the great shower head in her bathroom, though. Wouldn't want to totally embarrass her. Besides, that's why I wrote the note instead of talking to her directly. This way, she can opt to be embarrassed in private if she doesn't want to talk to us about it."

Olivia intertwined their fingers and rested their hands on Alex's stomach.

"Lex, can I ask you a personal question?" Olivia said softly.

Alex swallowed and nodded slowly.

"Do you? Read erotica and masturbate, I mean? Have you, since…"

Alex blushed and shook her head vigorously. "No, not since… I think they're still both triggers. And with you… I haven't needed to. It would be a little ridiculous if I needed to do that, too, wouldn't it?" She turned around to face Olivia. "Do you?"

She stroked Alex's cheek and kissed her. "I have, occasionally, indulged," Olivia said, blushing, but keeping her eyes on Alex. "When I've had a day off while you're at work and I can't get you off my mind. When you were sick and recovering and I needed some stress relief. It's a perfectly normal thing to do, Lex, even if you have more sex than you ever thought you wanted."

Alex laughed.

"It's none of my business one way or the other, really. Your body belongs to you, and the fact that you share it with me is a privilege." Olivia paused. "Can I ask why you've never worked on those triggers?"

Alex shrugged and shifted uncomfortably. "I tried, a few times, a while ago. But when we did something together and I had a flashback, you were there to make it better, and when I… I couldn't relax enough, and I was afraid someone would walk in, or that you would be jealous…"

"Hey," Olivia kissed Alex again. "I understand the fear part, but I promise I would never invade your privacy or get upset about something like that. People enjoy erotica, or fantasize, or masturbate for different reasons than they have sex, and as long as we are solid and not doing it to avoid each other I want you to do whatever makes you feel good. Especially since I'm not going to be able to for the next few weeks. Both of us don't have to suffer." She pulled Alex's head into the crook of her neck and held her there. "And as long as you're not thinking about anyone other than me," she said wryly.

"Never," Alex said.


	11. Chapter 11

Olivia was roused from her nap on the couch when she heard Alex's key in the door on Friday evening. She picked up the book that was open on her chest and placed it on the coffee table, and started to push herself upright when Alex came over and sat down on the edge of the couch to to kiss her.

"How was your day, sweetie?" Olivia asked. "No appointment today?"

Alex shook her head. "Work was fine. Just an arraignment and some paperwork. I canceled my appointment for this week because of the surgery. Besides, Sarah's going on her date tonight and I wanted to be here when she was getting ready. I let her out early to get her nails done, but she should be home soon."

Olivia smiled. "After she goes out, I thought we'd have our own little date here. I went out and got some wine, and I was going to set the table before I dozed off. I thought we could order out from that Italian place and watch a movie on Netflix after dinner. What do you think?"

"Sounds good to me. Let me get changed and I'll set the table. You shouldn't be exerting yourself so soon, Liv."

"Walking to the bodega was hardly 'exerting myself', and the doctor said I should get exercise."

Alex shook her head and went to put her briefcase in the office and change into jeans and a t-shirt. Olivia hurried to the dining room, wincing slightly as she reached up in the china cabinet for two of the good plates, and laid everything out on the table. She took the bouquet of flowers she'd bought in the crook of her elbow and poured two glasses of wine, and met Alex in the bedroom.

"Thank you. What's the occasion?" Alex asked as Olivia handed her the flowers and wrapped her arms around her from behind.

Olivia kissed her neck. "No occasion. Just because."

Alex turned around in Olivia's arms and rested her head on her shoulder. "I love you," she whispered.

"I love you, too." Olivia kissed her forehead and held her tight. "Sorry, I'm just feeling a bit clingy today. I missed you."

"Don't apologize. You can be as clingy as you want starting now." Alex lifted her head when they heard Sarah's key in the door. "I'm going to see what time he's picking her up and if she's picked out something to wear. She was a bit jittery all day."

"I have to see if I can get my duty belt on. It might cut into my incision."

"Liv, I was just kidding about answering the door with your badge and gun."

Olivia smiled. "I know. But it's not like we'll have our own teenage daughter to embarrass someday when she goes on dates. So I think we should take full advantage."

"Fair enough, but I'm warning her."

Alex kissed Olivia on the cheek and went to knock on Sarah's door, and entered when she heard a muffled 'come in.' Sarah was standing in front of the closet, hands on her hips, looking annoyed. Alex surveyed the clothes she had pulled out and strewn over the bed and the chair.

"I have nothing to wear," she complained, plopping down on the edge of the bed.

Alex sat down next to her, covering her mouth with her hand to keep from laughing at the mess Sarah had made in less than five minutes. "I'm sure we can find something. Do you know where he's taking you?"

Sarah shook her head. "He just said dinner."

"Okay. So something not too fancy, but not too casual either. Are you thinking pants or a skirt?"

"It's warm out, so skirt."

Alex picked up two dresses off the bed. "Which one do you like better?" she asked, holding up one in each hand.

"I don't think I want to wear either of those…"

"Just tell me which one you like better. You don't have to wear one of these."

Sarah pointed to one of the dresses, and Alex hung the other one back up in the closet and picked up another dress off the bed. "Now which one do you like better?"

Sarah pointed again. "What are we doing?"

"We're picking out a dress. You're going to keep telling me which one you prefer until there are only two left, and then you can pick your favorite and wear that."

A few minutes later, Sarah had narrowed it down to two dresses. "I like this one better," she said, taking a black sleeveless dress off the hanger. "But is it too low-cut? I don't want him to get the wrong idea…"

"Sarah, you've worked at SVU for a whole week and you've been around Olivia and I a lot longer than that. You know by now that wearing a low-cut dress or a short skirt is not code for 'I want to sleep with you now.' You should wear what makes you feel good and what makes you comfortable."

Sarah nodded. "I'll try it on and see how I feel."

"What about hair? Do you want me to get the curling iron?" Alex left to get it and a handful of bobby pins from the master bathroom, and knocked on the door to get back into Sarah's room.

Sarah sat in front of the mirror as Alex helped her put her hair up into a twist and make some curls.

"My mom would never do this," she said quietly. "Or, no, she would, for about five minutes until my dad decided he needed something."

"I'm sorry," Alex said. "Your mom's missing out." She released the last curl from the curling iron. "There. What do you think?"

"Thank you," Sarah said, smiling shyly at her through the mirror. "I really like it."

"This Jake isn't going to know what hit him," Alex said, tucking one of Sarah's curls behind her ear. "Remember, stay out as late as you want, invite him in if you want. Olivia and I can make ourselves scarce if you want to bring him back. Just let us know when you expect to be home so we're not worried about you, okay?"

Sarah nodded. "I doubt I'll be inviting him in on a first date, so…"

"I'm telling you for this time and for future times, too. You're an adult, I'm not your mother, and I don't expect you to ask permission for anything. Just stay safe, and don't pressure yourself or be pressured into doing anything before you're ready."

A few minutes later, the intercom rang, and Olivia buzzed him up and attached her belt. She looked through the peephole at a young man rolling nervously on the balls of his feet.

"You must be Jake," she said as she opened the door. She looked him up and down conspicuously before stepping aside to let him into the apartment. _Khakis, blazer, tie, flowers. At least he cleans up nice._

"Hello, uh, Ma'am," Jake sputtered, his eyes stopping on Olivia's gun. "I'm Jake Monaghan. Pleased to meet you."

"Sarah's talked a lot about you," Olivia said, holding out her hand to shake. "I'm Olivia, and this is Alex," she pointed to Alex, who had entered the room. They shook hands.

"Alex Cabot. It's a pleasure," Alex said. "Liv, go easy on him. I'll tell Sarah he's here. She should be ready any minute now."

Alex went to knock on Sarah's door. "Hey, he's here," she said. "You ready?"

Sarah was sitting on the edge of her bed, hands in her lap. "I think so."

"You better go out there, then. He's nervous too, and I don't think Liv's helping." She put her arm around Sarah's shoulders and pressed a kiss to Sarah's temple. "Be safe. And just have fun, okay? And let us know when you get home."

Olivia closed the door behind them and unbuckled her belt, wincing.

"Does that hurt?" Alex asked brushing her fingers against Olivia's abdomen. "You really shouldn't have put it on."

"It was worth it," Olivia said. "I subtly made him aware that she lives with a cop and an ADA and that he'd better be on his best behavior."

Alex took Sarah's flowers and began cutting off the ends of the stems and putting them into a vase. "And don't think I didn't notice that you set the table after I told you I would do it. You shouldn't exert yourself, love. The more you follow the doctor's orders, the sooner you'll be back in full working order." She winked.

"An excellent point," Olivia said. "That's definitely a good incentive."

She answered the door and paid for the food, and poured more wine for both of them, then pulled out Alex's chair so she could sit down to eat. Alex told her about her day, the arraignment she'd had and the paperwork she'd done.

"I need to work on my opening for the Martin case this weekend. Jury selection is going to be on Tuesday," she said between mouthfuls. "Oh, and Sarah's Arabic professor wrote me back to tell me she could help with Safa's case, but she won't be back for another two weeks. She gave me the number for the department head in case we needed someone faster, so I called and the man who answered told me they were closed until the new summer term starts in two weeks and that he couldn't help me. So I called this woman back in Tunisia and set up an appointment with her as soon as she gets back."

"That's a long time if she's being sexually abused," Olivia commented.

Alex nodded. "I know, but unfortunately it's the best I can do. And then there's the whole issue of her not being court certified if we need this to go to trial… his lawyer would have to stipulate to her expertise, which he might not do if he knows Safa would be too intimidated to testify if a man was interpreting for her. I could argue in front of a judge, but I'm not sure I'd win or that it wouldn't get thrown out on appeal."

"And there's no woman who's already court certified who could do the interview?"

"Not until at least the end of the summer. I'd rather do this fast and get her out of there before she has that baby, even if it means not getting to trial right away. Besides, Sarah and I talked to this woman and I explained the details of the case, and at least it sounds like she can handle it. Do we really want somebody who's used to antiterrorism cases in SVU?"

Olivia shook her head. "No, that probably wouldn't work out so well. You're right."

"So, what exciting things did you do today, other than your trip to the bodega and the florist?"

Olivia shrugged. "I slept late. Then after my walk I watched some horrible daytime TV and took a nap. I read up on some old case files, and read about ten pages of my book before I dozed off again. Oh, and Elliot called half a dozen times."

Alex shook her head. "He really needs to get a grip. What did he want?"

"Nothing, really. Fishing for information, I think. I only answered the first time." She picked up their plates and headed towards the kitchen. "A few years ago, right before Sealview, we had this case. Stolen embryos from a cyrogenic bank, and we didn't recover them in time for them to still be viable. It was right after I had gotten rejected from adoption agencies the first time, but of course, Elliot didn't know that. He kept going on about why I never had kids and said some really hurtful things about technology and how he had all his kids the old-fashioned way. I called him out on it, but it made me less than eager to share information about us. So he's hurt that I'm not talking to him, but he probably doesn't even realize why that is."

"Oh, Liv," Alex said, wrapping her arms around Olivia. She pulled her towards the couch and brought Olivia down into her arms, rocking her as she began to cry.

"I really wanted to be a mom, Lex," Olivia whispered.

"I know, love. I'm sorry."

They cuddled for a long while, until Olivia turned in Alex's arms and began to kiss her, tears still wet on her face, and then buried her face in Alex's neck.

"Lex, how are we… what are we… what's going to happen now?" Olivia struggled to get it out, to make Alex understand.

Alex kissed the side of her head and ran her hands down Olivia's back. "Right now? We're going to hurt for a while. We're going to get angry when we have cases with kids and we think, 'Why them and not us?'. We're going to check in with each other and make sure we keep talking and giving each other as much love as we can, so we don't drift apart or turn bitter from trying to protect ourselves from the horrible things we see. And we're going to keep going to museums and the opera and the beach on the weekends so we have busy, full, meaningful lives without kids. That's what's going to happen now."

Olivia clung to Alex, still crying silently into her shoulder. "You have an out now, too, Lex," she whispered.

Alex immediately turned Olivia's head and looked straight into her eyes, before speaking very deliberately. "Why would I want an 'out' of the best thing that's ever happened to me?"

Olivia kissed her deeply and then pulled back to look into her eyes. "I need to feel you. Let me make love to you," she whispered.

"Liv, you can't…"

Olivia put a finger to her lips. "I can't, but you can. Believe me, this won't be strenuous for me."

She kissed Alex again, slowly, exploring her mouth with her tongue as she ran her fingers lightly up and down Alex's sides, gently brushing her breasts.

"Please?" she asked, slipping her fingers under the hem of Alex's shirt.

Alex nodded as her abdomen quivered, and she held on to Olivia's hands as Olivia undressed her, slowly, and began to kiss her whole body. She moved from breast to neck to shoulder to mouth, leaving no spot unloved.

After she was sure that Alex was ready, she pulled her to the edge of the couch and kneeled in front of her, waiting for permission to remove Alex's panties. Olivia allowed Alex to remove her own shirt and bra so they could cuddle immediately afterwards, and wrapped her arms around Alex's back before leaning in to kiss her again, slowly, on the mouth.

"I'd like to keep going after you come the first time," Olivia said softly, studying Alex's face for signs of hesitation. "Can I try to make you come more than once?"

Alex, still nervous about losing control or having a flashback, looked unsure. The only time she'd ever had multiple orgasms was during her rape. Olivia had never asked to try this before, even though she easily came more than once with Alex.

"Remember, you're in control. You can stop me at any time," Olivia reassured her.

Alex gave a slight nod and quivered again with pleasure as Olivia resumed kissing her, and amazingly, she felt her body relax completely, without a hint of fear at Olivia's suggestion. As usual, Olivia took her time, stroking and caressing Alex all over with her fingers and tongue. Alex closed her eyes and gripped Olivia's shoulders, locking her ankles around her back. She didn't know exactly when she had stopped being self-conscious when they made love, but she found that the more she was able to relax and trust Olivia to read her body, the more she enjoyed sex. And Olivia was true to her word and always did stop if Alex asked her to.

She opened her eyes and looked down, making eye contact with Olivia as she felt a knot tighten in her stomach. Olivia took her hand and smiled as Alex moaned and began to twitch. She felt a brief moment of panic when Olivia kept going after her first, gentle orgasm, licking and sucking and massaging her, until Olivia reached up and stroked her cheek, whispering "I love you" softly, just before Alex cried out from the strongest orgasm she'd ever had.

Olivia slowed her motions and kissed up her body, settling onto the couch and wrapping herself around Alex's still trembling body, and sought out her mouth to kiss.

"And that happens now,' Alex said quietly between kisses once she had regained her voice. "Lots of sex on the couch because there won't be anyone to interrupt us."

Olivia laughed. "As much as you want," she agreed. "But speaking of being interrupted, maybe we should shower off and get dressed before Sarah gets home and finds us here."

She pulled Alex up off the couch and held her hand as they walked into the master bath, where Alex gingerly removed Olivia's bandage and replaced it with a waterproof covering.

They showered and put on their pyjamas, agreeing to cuddle while reading in bed to give Sarah some privacy when she got home. The cat curled up on Olivia's legs as she read a magazine, and Alex leaned her head on Olivia's shoulder and flipped open her mom's journal.

After a while, the cat jumped off and ran out the door, and before long, they heard the front door click. Olivia looked at the clock on the nightstand. 12:45.

A few minutes later, there was a soft knock on the bedroom door. "I'm home," Sarah said softly. "No crime scene calls this time."

"Come in," Alex called, and Sarah opened the door slowly. They usually kept their bedroom door closed and never had anyone in their space, but they could make an exception this once. Alex patted the bed beside her. "Come tell us how it went. Did you have fun?"

Olivia smiled. "Looks like she had fun to me," she said, looking Sarah up and down. "Dilated pupils, swollen lips, flushed face… and the cat only gets up if it's one of us coming home, and he went to the door… 17 minutes ago."

Sarah blushed.

"Liv!" Alex admonished, smacking her arm. "Sorry, sweetheart. Did you have a good time?"

Sarah nodded and sat down where Alex patted the edge of the bed. "We went to this Moroccan restaurant and then we went to the Village to see this documentary about the lives of different women in Egypt, and then we got coffee and gelato for dessert afterwards."

"That sounds nice," Alex said.

Sarah smiled and looked off into space, a dreamy look in her eyes. "It was," she agreed. "He was very sweet. We mostly talked about our jobs. He just started because he went home to visit his family near DC for a couple of weeks after finals, since his sister just graduated from high school. I told him a bit about SVU and how I got the job, but don't worry, I didn't tell him anything specific about any of the cases."

"I didn't think you would," Alex said. "What did he think about that?"

"He thought it must be a hard job, and I told him that I hadn't seen much hard stuff yet since it's only my first week. I was kind of vague with the details of how I met you guys, though. I just said I met you when you used to live in Portland."

Alex nodded. "You can tell him the truth about me being your teacher out there. The witness protection thing isn't a secret; it was in the newspapers."

"I think he knew that there was more to the story, but he didn't ask. And part of the movie was an honor killing, and another part was a woman who was basically married off to someone she didn't know and raped on her wedding night, so… At least he said the right things when we talked about it after."

"We've had cases with both of those scenarios," Olivia said.

"He did believe me when I said those things were hardly limited to Egypt, and he was sufficiently horrified by the statistics I threw at him."

"He seemed like a gentleman to me. I put your flowers in a vase in your room. He brought you home and kissed you goodnight?"

Sarah blushed bright red. "He's actually subletting a place on 84th and Columbus, so we took a cab back here and he was going to walk the rest of the way. There may have been some kissing involved." She looked at her hands. "When he… he tried to push me up against the wall outside when he was kissing me."

Alex's eyes widened, understanding the significance, but she didn't say anything.

"I thought I was going to panic, but I just shifted, and he let me move, and I asked him not to do that, and it was okay."

"So no flashback or anxiety?" Olivia asked.

Sarah shook her head. "It was okay. I was okay."

Alex reached out and squeezed her hand, then tucked a fallen curl behind her ear. "That's great, sweetheart. That's really good. You should still talk to someone, though."

Sarah nodded and got up to head towards the door. "I'll think about it. Thanks for helping me get ready tonight, Alex. I really… it meant a lot to me."

"My pleasure, sweetheart," Alex said. "I'm glad you had a good time. Sleep tight."

She smiled at Sarah and turned off the light, snuggling into Olivia, who kissed her again. A little while later, just before they drifted off to sleep, Olivia raised an eyebrow as she heard Sarah finally turn off the shower, which had seemingly taken longer than usual. They giggled quietly, glad that Sarah was figuring things out, and fell asleep together.


	12. Chapter 12

Olivia waited outside Judge Moredock's courtroom a little before noon on Tuesday with a Zabar's bag with salads and sandwiches for her and Alex. Jury selection had begun that morning in Alex's latest case, and as much as she wanted to 'work from home' and cuddle with Olivia while waiting by the phone for the doctor's call, she instead had to go into court.

Olivia watched as Alex left the courtroom, walking quickly towards the elevator. Her briefcase was in one hand by her side, and her phone in the other. She didn't see Olivia sitting on the bench as she scrolled through her phone, checking to see if Olivia had called.

The phone in Olivia's pocket buzzed, and just as she suspected, Alex's name appeared on the screen. "Counselor," Olivia answered.

"No news?" Alex said as soon as Olivia picked up.

"Look left," Olivia replied, smiling and holding up the Zabar's bag as Alex looked up and saw her.

They began walking together towards the elevator, the backs of their hands brushing against each other due to their closeness. Their relationship wasn't a secret, but they had agreed that public displays of affection in their workplaces weren't appropriate. Once they were on the crowded elevator, Alex reached out with her pinky finger and wrapped it around Olivia's, releasing it as they reached the floor with Alex's office.

Olivia followed closely behind as Alex stopped by the administrative assistant's desk to pick up her messages and interoffice mail. Despite the professional mask she'd maintained since she exited the courtroom, she could tell Alex was getting more nervous, as she fumbled with her keys approaching the door.

 _Oh shit,_ Olivia thought. _She thinks I'm here to deliver bad news._

As soon as the door closed, Olivia put the lunch bag down on the chair and closed the blinds before pulling a trembling Alex into her arms. "Shh, it's okay, baby. I'm okay. Everything came back completely clean. No precancer."

Alex allowed herself to be swayed and comforted by Olivia for a moment, tears of relief forming in her eyes, before she pulled back and hit Olivia hard in the arm.

"Ow!" Olivia cried. "What was that for?"

"That," Alex said, "was for making me think you were coming to tell me you had cancer."

"I'm sorry, sweetie," Olivia said, wrapping her arms around Alex again. "She just called a little while ago. I knew you wouldn't get the message until lunch, so I thought I'd just come down and surprise you. Besides, she wouldn't have told me I had cancer over the phone. She would have said she wanted me to come in for more tests. And I wouldn't have told you like this, with lunch in the middle of the day."

"I know. I'm sorry." Alex said, relaxing into Olivia's arms as she started to cry.

"No, I'm sorry, Lex," Olivia whispered. "I should have texted you. But it's okay. I'm going to be okay."

"What else did she say?" Alex murmured.

"Just that she wants to follow up in a couple of months to see if they've grown back, and depending on what happens, she'll reevaluate. I asked her if she was sure about IVF not being an option, and she said she was, but that she's sorry she can't help us." Olivia pulled away and picked up the lunch. "As much as I'm enjoying this, you should probably eat. You don't have a lot of time before you have to be back in court."

Alex nodded and sat down on the couch, taking the sandwich Olivia handed her and cracking open the can of Diet Coke.

"Well, at least now we know," Alex said, taking a bite of her lunch.

Olivia nodded. "She did ask about surrogacy and said she could refer us to a specialist if we wanted. I explained that we weren't comfortable with that for ethical and legal reasons."

Alex nodded. "I don't like the idea of paying for use of someone's body like that. Not to mention the fact that lots of states don't acknowledge surrogacy contracts, so if the woman were to take off to, say, Michigan, she could keep the baby and we'd have no legal recourse. Maternity is determined by who gives birth, not the mother's DNA."

Olivia smiled. "I think we should take some time to talk about what we want to do in the next few years. See if we can't come up with some trips and projects to keep us busy."

Alex raised an eyebrow. "You mean something other than work? I wouldn't even know where to start."

"I have a few ideas. Let's think about it and set aside some time to talk when we go on vacation."

"Okay." Alex looked at her watch. "I have to run or I'm going to be late. But thanks for the lunch. I'm glad you came, even if you did make me nervous for a minute."

"You're welcome. I love you," Olivia said, holding up Alex's suit jacket so she could slip her arms in. "Go get 'em, Cabot." She kissed Alex on the cheek and opened the door to follow her out.

—

Olivia was in the kitchen making pancakes and bacon the following Saturday when Sarah rushed through the door and went into her bedroom, breezing by the kitchen. _Hm_ , she thought, reading 10:30 on the microwave clock. _She must have gone out early to meet the boy._

She took a plate and filled a coffee cup, and knocked quietly on the door to Alex's office. After cuddling in bed for a while, Alex had gotten up relatively early to work on an opening statement for the following week's case, and shut herself in the office to work. She pulled out an earplug and paused the desktop fan she had going for white noise as Olivia set the plate down in front of her and kissed her cheek.

"How's it going, sweetie?" Olivia asked, handing her the cup of coffee.

Alex sighed and took a sip from the mug. "It's going. I've got half an outline, at least. Thank you for this."

Olivia ran her fingers through Alex's hair and scratched gently at the back of her neck. "You're welcome. Just my little contribution to putting the perps in jail." Alex smiled as Olivia kissed her head. "Take your time and let me know when you need more coffee. We can go to the park whenever, as long as we get out of the house for a few minutes today."

"Thanks, Liv. Shouldn't be more than a few hours. I want to get out this afternoon."

Olivia gave her a soft smile and closed the door, and went across the hall to knock on Sarah's.

"Sarah, honey, I made pancakes and coffee if you want some," she said through the crack in the door. "Do you want me to make you a plate?"

"Be out in a minute," came the muffled voice.

Olivia paused, not sure if she sensed distress, and went back to the kitchen to make up two more plates of pancakes, and sat down at the counter.

Sarah came out a few minutes later and sat down next to her, nodding a 'good morning.'

Olivia put down her fork and took a sip of her coffee, then turned to face Sarah. "Honey, I'm sorry about what I said when you got home from your last date, about the dilated pupils and everything. Whether or not you kissed your date wasn't any of my business, and I shouldn't have teased you like that. I'm sorry if I embarrassed you."

Sarah looked up from her pancakes and half-smiled at Olivia. "Thanks, but you don't have to apologize."

"I do. I'm not a detective when I'm at home, and I shouldn't be using interrogation tactics to get information on your personal life. I should respect your privacy. I promise I won't be analyzing your behavior to find out about your dates, but I am here to talk if you need anything."

"Thank you," Sarah said, picking up her coffee again.

"Did you see him this morning? I was surprised you were out before we got up. I thought you were still in bed."

Sarah shook her head. "I had a good time, but this morning I just had an appointment at Health Services."

Olivia nodded. "Well, Alex is getting some work done this morning, and then in a little bit we're going to go take a walk in the park and maybe go to that café down by Lincoln Center. I don't have too much energy, but I need to get out of the house a bit. You're welcome to join us if you don't have any other plans."

"Maybe. I'm trying to decide whether to go to a party tonight on campus. It's a birthday party for a friend's roommate. I don't know her that well and I think it's going to be mostly drinking. And before you ask, no, he's not going to be there."

"You know, we're not going to get you into trouble if you drink. We want you to be careful, but we were both in college once."

"I bet Alex didn't drink at all before she turned 21," Sarah joked.

Olivia smiled. "You'll have to ask her. You may be right. I definitely wasn't very well-behaved, though."

"Well, I don't really want to get into drinking, and I don't really feel like explaining to people why I don't drink. I thought that when I came to a school with lots of smart people, that they'd be into other things, but it seems that everyone wants to party."

"I'm sure there are plenty of other people who are more introverted and who don't drink, but it may be hard to meet them since they never go to parties either," Olivia pointed out. "How are you planning to find them?"

"Touché," Sarah said. "Maybe I'll go. I don't know." She began pushing her pancakes around on her plate. "I tried to go to the doctor's office this morning," she said. "But, uh, they wouldn't give me a prescription without a physical exam."

"For birth control?" Olivia clarified, waiting for Sarah to elaborate.

Sarah swallowed. "Do you know… Is there a place I can go where I won't have to… do that? Like a clinic or something?"

"It's been a while since I've been on birth control, but I think most doctors require an exam, sweetie. And if you're ready to be thinking about sex, you're mature enough to be managing your health." Olivia's voice softened. "Hey, it's normal to be anxious about it. I admit I didn't go for a couple of years after my assault, and I wasn't raped. But unfortunately, it's a part of growing up and being responsible."

Sarah bit her lip. "You don't get to pick your doctor there… It's just whoever's on duty that day when you show up. They only have like two women in the office, and they weren't there today."

"There's an OB/GYN I know who does sexual assault examinations and has a lot of patients who are rape survivors. Do you want me to see if you can get an appointment with her?"

Sarah shrugged.

"She's good, I promise. She'll talk you through the whole thing and she's really fast. And she'll know how to make you as comfortable as possible."

"Will it hurt?"

Olivia shook her head. "It's a bit uncomfortable, but it shouldn't be painful. Do you know what will happen? Have you researched at all?" Sarah shook no. "First, there's a pap smear. She'll put a speculum inside and swab your cervix with a long cotton swab. That only takes about a minute. And then she'll check your vagina and uterus with her fingers to make sure everything feels normal. That only takes a couple minutes, and then the worst part is over. The rest is just taking your medical history and answering your questions. She might do a breast exam to check for lumps, but you're young, so that part may not be routine."

"There's really no way out of this?" Sarah sighed.

"Afraid not, sweetie. But you got through a rape kit, right? That was a lot harder than this will be, and it took a lot longer. And I'm still off from work, so if she can get you in, I can take you, and either hold your hand or wait outside."

"Could you? I mean, if you have better things to do I don't want to impose…"

"You're not imposing, and it's totally up to you. It's okay to need support. But let me call before you change your mind, okay?" Olivia got up and put the plates in the dishwasher, and dialed her phone. "She can get you in after lunch if you want to get it over with."

Sarah nodded, and Olivia handed her the phone to confirm the appointment.

"Are you sure you don't mind taking me? It won't be too much?" Sarah said, handing the phone back to Olivia.

Olivia shook her head. "I'm fine. We'll take a cab. As long as I'm not going up and down the subway stairs or running around, I'll be okay."

Sarah stood up and hugged Olivia, who returned the embrace. "Thank you. You'll make a really good mom."

Olivia pulled away as she felt her throat swell up and tears form in her eyes. She swallowed hard and cleared her throat. "Sarah, we're not… we can't… we're not going to have children," Olivia finally got out. "It's not going to work out for us."

"Oh," Sarah said, blushing with embarrassment. "I'm sorry… I didn't know."

"We… it's private. But I'd… we'd appreciate it if you didn't say stuff like that. I know you mean well, but, um…" She cleared her throat again. "You've researched different kinds of birth control and you know what your options are? You don't have to go on the pill; you know, but you might want to read up on some things on Planned Parenthood before we go to the doctor. You may decide you want something more long-term. I'm just going to go tell Alex the plan and see if she needs more coffee."

Olivia turned and went to slip into the office, her chest heaving as tears began streaming down her cheeks. She leaned back against the door, and looked up at Alex, who was holding a tissue and sitting with her elbows on the table and her chin in her hands, her eyes puffy as well.

Olivia immediately softened and rushed over to Alex, pulling her up into her arms. They held each other, sniffling with their faces buried in each other's necks, and rubbed each other's backs.

"Liv, what's wrong?" Alex said softly, stroking her hair.

Olivia pressed a kiss to Alex's neck. "The usual," she explained. "Sarah said something about how we'll make good moms, and I just… I told her it wasn't going to happen, but it stung. What about you?" She lifted her head up to look into Alex's eyes, and cupped her cheek.

"It's dumb. I went in to check my email and I got an e-vite to a baby shower for one of the paralegals over in White Collar. I clicked on her registry, figuring I should just order something and get it over with… and…"

"Oh, sweetie," Olivia soothed, sniffling again as she wiped a tear off Alex's cheek with the pad of her thumb and kissed the spot.

"God, we're pathetic," Alex said, laughing slightly as she laid her head back on Olivia's shoulder and pressed her right palm to Olivia's heart.

Olivia smiled. "Maybe. At least we're pathetic together though, right?" She brought Alex down on her lap in an easy chair in the corner, and brushed her fingers along Alex's sides. "I'm going to bring Sarah to see Dr. Logan this afternoon so she can get some birth control. How much longer do you need to work? Should we go take a walk when I get back?"

Alex sighed. "Actually, I just got an email from the Arabic interpreter. She ended up coming back a few days early, and I asked if she'd be available at all this week to be briefed on the case. She's free this afternoon, so I just texted to see if Casey was free to meet with us. I'm going to go in at 3."

"Oh, good. The sooner we get that poor girl out of there, the better."

—

Olivia watched Sarah fidget out of the corner of her eye as they got into a cab to go uptown to the hospital.

"Sweetie, take a deep breath and try to relax, okay? You're going to be alright," Olivia soothed, reaching over to gently lower Sarah's arm and stop her from biting her fingernails.

"You know, it's none of my business, but are you sure you're not putting the cart before the horse a bit? You've only been out on a few dates with this guy. I think going on birth control is a good idea, but if you're nervous, you can wait."

"I just want to get it over with," Sarah said. "I'm not going to tell him I'm on it yet, and if we… do anything I still want him to use condoms."

"That's good. You can't be too careful." Olivia said. "Have you looked at those books I left for you?"

Sarah blushed. "I, uh, I've looked through them. I might try some of the exercises and stuff. But I don't want to talk to anyone about it."

"Okay," Olivia said. "Why not?"

Sarah shrugged and turned to look out the window.

"Are you embarrassed?" Olivia reached out to touch her arm. "Sarah, nobody - especially not a therapist - is going to want you to feel ashamed for wanting a healthy sexual relationship in your 20s. But it can take some work to know what that looks like."

"It's been a long time, though."

"Time is only part of the equation. You also want to make sure that when you do have sex, you're able to enjoy it and be fully present, without having flashbacks or thinking about your to-do list. I'm just worried that if you rush yourself and you don't work through your feelings, you're going to end up doing more damage. I'd be a huge hypocrite if I fed you lines about not having sex unless you're in love, because there's no shame in casual sex if it's what you both want, but make sure you can trust this guy and you're on the same page before you do anything with him, okay?"

"I don't think I could do casual," Sarah said, still looking out the window.

"Then make sure he knows that and feels the same way before you go too far," Olivia said. "But the exercises will really help you."

"Did they help Alex?" Sarah asked.

Olivia bit her lip. "I'm not going to discuss Alex's healing with you. But she's done therapy, and some exercises, and they've helped her a lot, yes."

The conversation ended as they pulled up to the hospital and Olivia led Sarah up to Dr. Logan's office, where they sat down in the waiting room until Sarah was called.

"You're right," she said. "I can do this myself."


	13. Chapter 13

Alex had just settled into her office and pulled out her legal pad when she heard a knock on the door, and stood to welcome a tall, dark-eyed woman with long, curly hair.

"Ms. Habib, please, come in," Alex said, holding out her hand to shake. She pulled out a chair and returned to her own to sit down. "Thank you so much for meeting with me so soon. How was your trip back to New York?"

The woman nodded. "The trip was fine, thank you. And please, call me Rym."

"And you can call me Alex. My colleague, Casey Novak, will be here in a few minutes. She's the lead attorney on this case, but I'm assisting because I have contacts in the State Department, and quite frankly, this one might go bad. And of course, you know Sarah, one of our interns who gave us your contact information and thought you might be able to help with the interpretation."

"I understand the girl speaks Yemeni dialect?"

Alex nodded. "As far as we can tell. Now, we should go over the case, but I do need to go over these confidentiality documents. I did get your information from INS and run a quick background check, so you are cleared to work here if you agree. Otherwise, I would have had to wait to get your fingerprints, get you bonded, run you through the FBI database… it would have taken a few weeks, and quite frankly, this girl doesn't have time for that."

She pushed a few papers across the table. "This document says you agree to respect the confidentiality of all cases you work on, and it outlines the state and federal criminal and civil penalties if you violate this clause. And this document outlines your qualifications and the process for becoming court certified, which hopefully we'll be able to get done before this even goes to trial. We'll record all interviews and prepare transcripts, and for now, everything will be reviewed by another translator/interpreter until we can get you approved. As I explained, this girl is very shy and seems to be frightened of men, which is why we haven't been able to interview her yet. Do you have any questions?"

Rym shook her head and signed the two documents, just as Casey knocked on the door and entered, carrying a tray with three coffees. She handed one to Alex and set the tray down on the table.

"Casey Novak. Nice to meet you, Ms. Habib. I brought you a black coffee, and we've got milk and sugar so you can fix it how you like it. I figure it's the least we can do for having you come in here on a Saturday."

"We were just going over the paperwork, and I'm about to give her the SVU spiel," Alex explained. "Have you talked to Munch and Stabler? Maybe you should brief her on the case since you're more up-to-date than I am."

Alex took a sip of her coffee and folded her hands, leaning across her desk. She straightened her legal pad and put the cap back on her Mont Blanc pen as she searched for the right way to begin, then made eye contact.

"I'm not sure if Sarah's told you anything about what we do here or what this case is about," she said carefully.

"I only know what you told me on the phone. She didn't mention any details," Rym replied.

"This is the Special Victims' Unit. We deal primarily with cases involving rape, sexual assault, and child abuse." Alex watched carefully for a reaction, and when there was none forthcoming, she continued. "This particular case involves an 11-year-old girl who was the victim of an acid attack about two weeks ago. She's the daughter of a Yemeni member of the OPEC committee at the UN. Normally, this would be an assault charge and not a case of child abuse; however, SVU was called in because hospital tests showed she was 26 weeks pregnant and a victim of female genital mutilation."

Rym shook her head and covered her mouth with her hand. "How horrible," she murmured.

"Officially, there's no rape case yet and we're working only on the acid attack. We can compel her father to bring her in because she's a witness and he's not a suspect." Alex continued. "Unofficially, we need to establish a few facts so we can investigate a case of rape or ongoing sexual abuse. Most importantly, we need to find out if she was in New York when the mutilation or the rape happened, so we know whether we even have jurisdiction over those crimes. If we do, we need to make her feel safe enough so she can name her abuser. Because she is mostly confined to her home and surrounded by UN committee members, we have to be very careful about investigating the charges fully before we level an accusation or remove her from her home. I like my job, and accusing diplomats of sexual abuse is a good way for me to lose it."

"Here's where you come in. We need to know as much as we can about the acid attack, clearly, but we're also interested in the abuse. The detectives are still working on the timeline, and assuming it's someone in one of the father's committees, we'll also have to wait for the State Department to advise us on whether the abuser can be charged or whether he'll have diplomatic immunity. Our job - and especially your job - will be to put this girl at ease, and to try to get her talking in as much detail as possible about what's been done to her. We need clinical details, and you can't put words into her mouth or provide her with vocabulary she doesn't have. If we get this right, we'll have enough for a warrant for the perp's DNA to match it to the baby's, and we won't even need her testimony. If we screw it up, the warrant gets thrown out, we all lose our jobs and get sued, she goes back to her abuser, and the perp takes off to the desert to abuse another young girl. Do you have any questions so far?"

Rym shook her head, but appeared overwhelmed.

"Don't worry," Casey reassured her, reaching out to touch her arm. "We'll ask all the questions. Your role is to translate what we say, and what she says, as precisely as you can. If we need clarification on something, we'll ask for it."

"Are all the cases you work on like this?" Rym asked quietly. "I can't imagine what this poor little girl has been through."

"This is shaping up to be a particularly brutal case," Casey admitted. "But all of our cases include some element of sexual assault."

"Do not emote for this girl," Alex said firmly, seeing that Rym was distressed by the description of what had happened to her. "We're going to ask her to tell us things that are painful, and probably shameful to her, and the most important thing we can do is make sure she's as comfortable as possible. If you're uncomfortable or emotional, she's going to be able to feel that and she'll react to it and shut down."

"It's normal for you to have strong feelings during the case," Casey reassured her, and Alex nodded in agreement. "I cried almost every day when I started working SVU, but if you need to react to something, please excuse yourself and don't do it in front of the girl."

Alex pointed to the door at the back of her office. "There's a private bathroom here if you need it. We're not telling you to not be affected - it means you're human - just telling you not to be a martyr. Can you handle that?"

"I think so," Rym replied.

"Great," Alex said, smiling at her reassuringly. "I'm sure you'll do fine. And thank you, by the way, for doing this."

—

They had agreed to meet Elliot and Munch at the DA's office slightly nicer conference rooms rather than at the precinct. While they agreed that technically, a detective should be interviewing Safa, Olivia's absence meant that no other women were available. Getting Safa's victim statement was more important.

"Detectives," Alex greeted them outside of the observation room. "Good afternoon. This is Ms. Habib, who will be interpreting for us with Safa. Ms. Habib, detectives John Munch and Elliot Stabler, Mr. Mohamed al-Masri, and his daughter Safa."

"Alex, Casey," Munch said, smiling warmly at them, and reaching out his hand. "Ms. Habib, a pleasure to meet you."

"Counselors," Stabler said coolly, giving Alex the side-eye as hands were shaken all around.

"You didn't need to bring in an interpreter," Mr. al-Masri stated. "I could translate for my daughter."

"It's standard procedure to have an independent interpreter to make sure everything is admissible in court when we go to trial. I'm sure you understand," Alex explained.

"And we'd like to talk to you at the same time about a few incidents of anti-Muslim hate crimes that seem to be going on in your neighborhood. Since you have connections in the community, we're hoping you'll be able to piece together some recent events," Munch said.

"I would prefer to stay with my daughter. She is not comfortable around strangers," Mr. al-Masri stated.

"We need to interview you separately. Standard procedure," Casey said.

"She's a minor and I have a right to be with her," Mr. al-Masri replied. His tone was even, but his nose flared in anger.

"Actually, that's only true if she were a suspect in a crime, which she's not. Since she's a witness, we're not required to allow a guardian to be present during the interview." Alex said calmly, opening the door to the children's interview room. "We appreciate your cooperation. Detectives, we'll let you know when we're done."

Safa fidgeted a bit as they went into the room, and chose a seat on the couch next to Alex. She had been shy and reserved, her eyes downcast when they had been in the hall, but she smiled at Alex and looked directly at her, ignoring the two other women. "Alesk," she said, hugging the surprised attorney. "Keifa hal Ooleeveeya?"

Alex smiled, understanding before the interpreter spoke. Channel Olivia, she thought to herself, as she often did before an interview with a shy witness. She knew the girl was shy, and she had no idea whether or not she'd be able to express herself and explain what happened to her, at barely 12 years old. Putting her at ease, like Olivia could do effortlessly, would hopefully help her explain what happened. "Olivia's fine," she replied. "She's still recovering from surgery so she couldn't come today. How is your face?"

Alex reached up tentatively, asking for permission to pull her hijab aside to look at the scar forming along her hairline. Safa looked away in shame, and Alex winced at the healing blisters, which looked painful. "Looks like it's healing. Can you tell us anything more about what happened? You're not in trouble, and anything you say here stays between us."

Safa looked at the other two women, trying to decide whether she could trust them. "Sometimes I get up early to go visit Mrs. Hassan. She runs the bakery around the corner from our house, and I like to go when I can get warm bread and cookies in the morning."

"Do you talk to her at all?" Alex asked.

Safa looked away, as though embarrassed.

"You're not in trouble for anything, Safa," Alex reassured her.

"Sometimes she'll make me mint tea or Turkish coffee. She was helping me learn some words in English and she wanted to give me lessons."

"You've never taken English lessons since you've been in New York?"

Safa shook her head. "I'm not really allowed to go out. But sometimes Miriam has me go to the store to get milk and eggs, or to Mrs. Hassan's to get bread."

"Who's Miriam?" Alex asked. They hadn't mentioned a Miriam before.

"She's my older sister. She's 16, I think. She gives me chores to do at the house."

"She's your father's biological daughter? Or is she adopted too?"

"I don't know. She was there when I was adopted. She's not very nice to me, especially lately. She doesn't like that it takes me too long to do chores. She went away for a few days and came back sick, so she made me go to the store that morning."

"Did you see the men who attacked you? Can you remember anything about them?"

Safa shook her head. "I didn't see them, but they didn't use funny words, so I think they were from Yemen too. They were young, but I didn't see their faces. I'm sorry."

"It's okay. Can you tell us exactly what they said to you?"

"They just yelled 'American whore!' but I don't know what that means. They didn't say anything else."

"Okay. And you don't know if you've seen them around before, at the bakery or at the store?"

"No," Safa said. "I don't think so."

Alex paused and offered Safa some more water before she asked her next question. "Safa, can you tell me about the scar between your legs?" she asked gently.

Safa looked away in embarrassment. "The scar is from when I was made a woman," she explained quietly. "When I was 7, my mother took me to a lady to cut off my man parts and make me so I could get married, and so my husband would know I was a virgin."

"What do you mean?"

Safa looked down at the ground as tears came to her eyes. "You know," she said softly.

Alex leaned in and touched her arm. "Can you explain it to me anyway? You don't have to be embarrassed; we're all girls here."

"She just told me I was dirty and she had to make me clean so I could get married later, and that I should be happy to become a woman. She said it wasn't going to hurt and that I shouldn't cry, but I couldn't help it. There were other girls there and they were crying, but I didn't know why. Three women held me down and I thought I was going to die. But she said it would help me get a good dowry when I got married."

"Safa, has anyone ever touched your scar, besides Dr. Logan?"

"I'm not supposed to tell," she whispered.

"It's okay. You won't get in trouble." Alex whispered back. "Whatever you say here stays between us girls."

"He was supposed to wait until I was old enough."

"Who was?"

"Mr. al-Masri. He said he was adopting me and he would marry me when I was 14 because I would be old enough then. My father had a wedding and was very happy because he got a lot of sheep and goats and he knew I would come to New York. Mr. al-Masri promised I would just have to do some chores but that I wouldn't have to be his wife yet, but once we got away from my family, he…"

Alex held out a box of tissues as Safa began to cry. "How old were you when he brought you to New York?"

"I was almost 10. We got married after my mother died, but we stayed near my family for a few months. He said he 'adopted' me and that he was my father since my father and his new wife couldn't take care of me. I was there when he told my father that we wouldn't have our 'wedding night' until I turned 14. Until then I was supposed to just say he was my father and I had to obey him."

"And what happened after you got to New York?"

"Nothing, at first. He just made me help Miriam with the chores. Then when I turned 10, he came into my room at night, and he told me that I had to be his wife. He felt my scar with his fingers and he made me take off my clothes. It hurt a lot. Then he got under the covers and laid on top of me, and he pressed something between my legs. I kept my eyes closed so I couldn't see."

"Then what happened?"

"I was crying because it hurt, and I told him he wasn't supposed to touch me until I was 14. He told me he was my husband and I had to obey him or he would divorce me and I'd be all alone in New York and dishonor my family. He kept trying to put the hard thing between my legs until he got something sticky on me. He did it every night, and then after 3 nights he said I was still a virgin, and he took out a little knife and made a cut in my scar, and put himself inside of me. I know he's my husband and he's supposed to do these things, but it hurts every time."

"Safa, has anyone else ever touched your scar?"

Safa looked horrified. "No! I'm not an adulterer."

"And have you ever left New York since you got here?"

Safa shook her head.

"Safa, listen to me. In New York, men are not allowed to have wives who are 10 years old, or 11 years old, or 14 years old. And it's my job, and Olivia's job, and Casey's job to help little girls who are being hurt. And we're going to do everything we can to stop him from hurting you, okay?"

Safa sniffled, and Alex handed her another tissue.

"He's my husband. You can't stop him from doing anything to me. It's my duty as his wife."

"Safa, look at me," Alex said, and the girl looked up, her eyes puffy, from Rym to Alex. "Trust me, okay?"


	14. Chapter 14

Sarah sat nervously on the exam table, her feet crossed at the ankles, and eyed the stirrups, until Dr. Logan returned to the room with a blank file and stood across from her against a countertop.

"It's nice to meet you, Ms. Williams," she began. Sarah straightened suddenly when she realized the doctor was talking to her, and Dr. Logan smiled. "It's okay, I don't bite," she joked. "I understand this is your first appointment?"

Sarah nodded and cleared her throat. "Uh, yeah."

Dr. Logan nodded. "Detective Benson said you were assaulted," she said. "Can you tell me a little bit about that?"

Sarah swallowed. "It was just over five years ago. I was in high school in Portland, and I was raped in the bathroom at a school dance. He took… I bled, but he, uh, didn't finish because someone came in and stopped him. He didn't use a condom."

"Did you do a rape kit? Did you sustain any injuries that I should know about?"

"Alex… Cabot… she's the one who stopped him, and she brought me to have a rape kit done. The only injury I had was a torn hymen," she said softly, looking away.

"Okay. I want you to know that most of my patients have been assaulted or sexually abused, and while I'll encourage you to do the full exam, you're free to stop me at any time. I won't force anything on you, and I'm not going to withhold a prescription until you cooperate like some of my colleagues might. If we don't get through the whole exam today, I'll have you come back in a year and I'll give you a prescription for a Xanax or an Ativan to take an hour before to relax you, okay?"

"Okay," Sarah agreed.

She answered some questions about her medical history. Sexually active? No. Periods? Regular. Spotting? No.

"Have you thought about forms of birth control other than the pill?" Dr. Logan asked.

"I thought, uh, an IUD might be good, since it lasts for a long time. I read about my options this morning."

"An IUD is definitely a possibility. There are two types. One is the copper IUD, which lasts ten years, but the side effects can include heavier periods and more severe PMS. The other type is the hormonal IUD. It only lasts 5 years, but many women stop getting their periods at all. Both may cause some discomfort going in, and there's a slight risk of expulsion"

"I don't want heavier periods," Sarah said. "Is this something I can get today, or do I have to make another appointment?"

"If we get through the pelvic exam, there's no reason it couldn't be done today, but let's see how things go first. Do you have any more questions for me?" Sarah shook her head. "Can you step behind the screen and put on the gown? Would it make you more comfortable to have someone else in the room during the exam? Detective Benson, or a nurse?"

Sarah slid off the table and stepped behind the screen, shivering and holding her arms even though it wasn't really cool in the room.

"I was going to try to do this alone," she said, slipping her bra off under the gown.

"Okay," Dr. Logan said. "You let me know if you change your mind."

Sarah returned to the table and crossed her legs.

"You don't have to put them up just yet," Dr. Logan reassured her. "First, I'm just going to listen to your heart and your lungs. Take deep breaths for me, okay?" She pulled out her stethoscope and listened, then put a blood pressure cuff around Sarah's arm. "Your heart is racing," she said. "I know you're nervous, but try to relax, okay?"

She pulled the cuff off and had Sarah lie back, asking permission before proceeding with the breast exam and palpitating her abdomen.

"Okay, it's time," Dr. Logan said as she finished up her exam. "I need you to scoot down to the end of the table, put your legs in the stirrups, and let your knees fall apart. Can you do that for me?"

Sarah took a deep breath and moved down, then slowly put one foot up, then the other, keeping her knees tightly together. The doctor waited patiently at her side as she watched Sarah struggle to separate her legs.

"Would you like me to get a nurse or Detective Benson to hold your hand?" Dr. Logan asked finally.

Sarah nodded, a tear escaping the corner of her eye. "Can you get Olivia?" she asked, wiping her tear away.

"Of course. Put your legs down for a minute while I go find her, okay? I'll send her in and I'll pick up an IUD from the pharmacy, so we can do that right away at the end of the exam if you still want to."

"Okay," Sarah said. She crossed her legs again and sat back up, and Olivia came in and stood next to her.

"Hey," she said kindly. "You okay?"

Sarah nodded and sniffled. "Yeah. Just nervous."

"Okay. You're safe in here, remember. You can stop if you're uncomfortable. Do you want to hold my hand?"

Sarah looked sheepish. "Could I?"

"Of course," Olivia said.

Dr. Logan returned, placing a small box on the table with the instruments before she looked at Sarah. "Are you ready?"

Sarah nodded and laid back, and Olivia took her hand and nodded as Sarah put her feet up and slowly separated her knees.

"I'm going to start with the exam and then do a pap smear," Dr. Logan said, holding up the brush to show her. "That way, if you want the IUD, I only have to put the speculum in once. Is that okay?" She sat down between Sarah's legs. "May I examine you?"

"Yes," Sarah croaked and drew a sharp breath through her teeth, twitching slightly as she felt the doctor's hand. She closed her eyes and resisted the urge to push her legs together.

"Keep your eyes open, sweetie," Olivia reminded her. "Remember where you are. You're okay."

Sarah let out a breath after a long minute as the doctor withdrew her fingers.

"So far, everything looks normal. For the pap smear, I'm using a child's size speculum to open you up for a few seconds, and then I'll brush your cervix to collect a sample. It will only take me a few seconds, and you'll feel a bit of pressure and maybe some slight cramping. I need you to relax, take a deep breath, and then push out a bit when you exhale."

"Breathe, sweetie. If you hold your breath it will hurt," Olivia said calmly. "Breath in and count to three, then out and count to three."

Sarah gripped her hand and breathed, trying to focus on Olivia reminding her to breathe and reassuring her that she was okay as the speculum slid into her and opened her up.

It was all over a few minutes later, and Sarah jumped up to put her clothes back on.

"You did great," Dr. Logan said, filling in a few last things on her chart. "Now, the IUD is effective right away, but if you become sexually active, you still need to use condoms to protect from STDs. I gave you the information packet that has the potential side effects, and I want you to call me if you have any problems other than some light spotting. You don't have to see me again for two years for another pap smear, unless you want the IUD taken out before then. Do you have any questions?"

Sarah shook her head and picked up her purse. "Thank you," she said, sticking out her hand to shake. "For fitting me in. I appreciate it."

"My pleasure," Dr. Logan replied. "Take care."

As they got into a cab and rode home in silence, Olivia pretended not to notice Sarah trembling and fighting back tears.

"Hey," she finally said as they got out in front of their building. "Everybody hates those exams. You did great for your first time."

Sarah nodded and swallowed hard. "It reminded me of the rape kit."

"I know it did," Olivia said. "But you were brave then, and you were brave today. You got through the whole thing, and it's not easy."

Sarah didn't reply, and Olivia went into the bedroom to grab the heating pad, and went to knock on Sarah's door. Sarah she sat on the edge of the bed, staring at the floor, breathing deeply and trying not to shake.

"I'm just going to leave this for you, in case you need it," she offered, setting it on the bedside table. "Can I do anything?" she asked gently, sitting down briefly next to Sarah and putting her hand on her upper back.

Sarah shook her head. "I just need to be alone right now," she choked.

"Let me know if you need anything," Olivia said.

—

Olivia took her phone and went into the bedroom, and found her lockbox in the walk-in closet. She lifted up the eggshell foam inside and took out the small velvet box she'd hidden inside, then opened it up and smiled at the white gold ring with a large oval sapphire flanked by two smaller diamonds.

She looked in her phone for the right contact and pressed send.

"Donnelley," the voice on the other line answered.

"Liz, hi, it's Olivia Benson."

"Hello, Detective. What can I do for you today?"

"How are you? I never offered congratulations for your appointment to the bench. Alex told me you'll be sworn in at the beginning of July."

"Thank you," Liz replied. "I'm taking vacation the next few weeks and I'll start up when I get back after the July 4 holiday."

"I'm not sure Alex is looking forward to trying cases in front of you," Olivia joked. "I think she's more scared of that than she is of Petrovsky."

Liz chuckled. "Alex, afraid of Lena? I'm sure Lena will be delighted to hear that."

Olivia groaned. "Just don't get me in trouble, Liz. Anyway, I heard yesterday that the State Senate is voting on gay marriage on June 24th. Assuming it passes, would you be able to help me with my plan?"

Olivia went over the details and was happy Liz agreed.

"One more thing, Liz… Do you think she'll say yes?"

"Well, if that's your plan, Detective, she'd better."

—

"I'll be right back, okay?" Alex held out another tissue to Safa and squeezed her hand, then looked at Casey. "Call CPS? I'm going to call my friend from the Department of State and the US Attorney responsible for child trafficking in the tri-state area. I don't want her going back with him tonight. I'm not sending her home to be raped again for the sake of international politics."

Alex held the door open for Rym and led her back into her office. "You did great, you know," she said gently, smiling sympathetically as her lip quivered. "That was really, really awful to hear."

She sat down at her desk and pulled out her phone to send a text to Olivia. _It was much worse than we thought. Trying to get Social Services here tonight. Don't know how long I'll be. How's Sarah? Love you._

Alex made a few phone calls, getting increasingly frustrated as she waited for authorization to arrest Mohamed al-Masri, possible diplomatic status be damned, then went into the observation room and knocked on the window for Munch to come out.

"We've got him," she said. "Arrest him for two counts of rape and two counts of sexual abuse of a minor for now. I'm sure there will be plenty of other charges to add later, but at least that means we'll be able to hold him until the US Attorney's office gets their heads out of their asses and comes up with some federal charges. See if you can get anything out of him other than that 'but she's my adopted daughter and I'm such a good person' crap."

Munch snorted. "Stabler's going to have fun with this one," he commented.

Alex glared at him. "And don't let Stabler fuck this up. It's bad enough to arrest someone with partial diplomatic status as it is. The last thing we need is for him to cry police brutality when we hand him off to the feds."

"Relax, Cabot. We've got this."

"You better," she muttered under her breath.

"I heard that," Munch retorted. "We'll take him down to Central Booking now and interview him more down there, unless he lawyers up."

Alex thanked him and went back into the interview room, where Safa was hugging herself in an armchair, and Casey sat nearby, making notes on her legal pad.

"They're sending someone?" Alex asked, looking over at Safa.

Casey sighed. "They bitched at me for a while about how hard it would be to place her at 7:30 on a Saturday night, but they're sending someone. She should be over here in the next few minutes."

"We should try to get her to the hospital to have her examined again. If she's abused regularly, there could be a more recent attack we could get evidence for."

"Is it worth it, though?" Casey asked. "We've already got proof of two assaults - the pregnancy and the DNA from the swabs when she was admitted for the acid attack. Add those to the federal charges for falsifying her immigration documents, international child sex trafficking… another rape kit isn't going to make that much of a difference except to traumatize her more."

Alex nodded. "I suppose. And if we go to the ER now, she'll be there all night. I'm going to check on Rym and send her back in here. We'll have to explain what's going on and see if she has any dietary restrictions or anything she needs to get at her house. We could send an officer over there, and I'm sure there'll be a search warrant for proof of their 'marriage.'"

Alex went back to her office and knocked on the bathroom door. "Ms. Habib? Rym? Are you alright in there?"

The door opened slowly, and the woman came out, her eyes a little puffy. "Sorry," she said quietly. "I wanted to make sure I was done before I came out."

"Of course," Alex said, smiling sympathetically. "Believe me, I completely understand. I'm going to wait until I get home, myself. But we're almost done. I just need to make a quick phone call, and then we'll need to explain what's going on with Social Services."

As Rym left her office to go back to the interview room, Alex shut the door and called Olivia.

"Hey, love, you almost done?" Olivia answered. Alex could hear the warm smile in her voice, the one that was reserved only for her.

Alex let out a sigh. "Almost," she said. "It's so bad, Liv. I'll tell you the details later, but this one…"

"Oh, sweetie," Olivia said. "I was going to take you out to dinner when you got home, but how about I order some takeout, get a bath ready, and give you a nice massage?"

"That sounds really nice, Liv. Actually, though, I wanted to ask you what you'd think if I offered to take Safa, so she doesn't have to go into emergency foster care. At least until they can find a home that can accommodate her."

Olivia was quiet. "Are you sure that's a good idea, Lex?"

"The poor girl is terrified, she's pregnant, she doesn't speak any English, she's been raped pretty much every day for almost two years… she's not going to do well in foster care. She's met us, she seems to trust us, and CPS can't argue with the fact that there are all women living in our apartment and we've all had thorough background checks. Should make the process easier even though we're not registered foster parents. We have an apartment that's big enough for her to have her own room and some privacy. And you're currently off work, so if she stays a few days into next week, you'll be around. I can take some time off, too, especially since this isn't our case anymore."

Alex could hear Olivia thinking and nodding slowly on the other end of the line.

"And what about us, Lex? What if we get attached to this girl? And we'll have to bring her to prenatal appointments, too. Do you think we can handle that?"

Alex pressed her lips together thoughtfully. "I think protecting a little girl who needs a safe home, even temporarily, is more important than protecting ourselves from our own pain, don't you? Maybe something like this would even be good for us."

"I just don't want another Nate," Olivia said quietly.

"I know, love. I don't either. And look, the social worker may not even say yes. I just… I don't know, Liv. There's something about this girl."

"You're pretty amazing, Alexandra Cabot, do you know that?" Olivia said. "How lucky am I?"

"Liv, I…" Alex blushed. "I'd say not as lucky as you could be, considering that you're still not allowed to get laid."

Olivia smiled. "Go see what you can do, sweetie, and let me know if I'm ordering food for 3 or 4 tonight."

"I love you." Alex said.

"I love you, too. Now go."


	15. Chapter 15

At nearly 8:00 on a Saturday night, the social worker was easily convinced that sending Safa home with Alex was a better option than putting the pregnant child into a foster care facility. It would be impossible to find another family to take her so quickly, and it was agreed that she would be frightened and isolated in a dorm with older teens.

"She can stay with us as long as you need a place for her," Alex reassured the social worker. "My partner is home for the next few weeks, and then we're both on vacation for awhile. We're going up to Martha's Vineyard for a couple weeks, but we can change our plans or come back to the city if necessary."

"Just keep us informed of your plans if you take her out of the city. We'll be in touch about a permanent placement. In the meantime, we'll have to discuss her prenatal care, ESL classes, getting her enrolled in school for the fall. And of course there's the question of what will happen to her baby, but we'll have to get a counselor on board for that one. Do you have any questions?" The social worker asked.

Alex shook her head, and turned to the interpreter. "Would you mind asking her if it's okay if she comes home with me for a few days? And if there's anything she needs, or anything she doesn't eat?"

Alex stood off to the side, watching as Safa continued to rock herself in the armchair, her eyes closed. She approached slowly, not wanting to frighten her, and crouched down in front of the chair.

"Safa?" she asked. The girl's eyes flew open, and Alex gestured towards Rym, standing beside her. She smiled gently and asked the questions again, despite knowing Safa couldn't understand her.

After Rym had finished speaking, Safa burst into tears, and Alex, taken aback, backed away slightly.

"She doesn't have to come with me if she doesn't want to," Alex explained quickly to Rym. "Tell her she can go to a facility if she prefers."

A few more words were exchanged, and Rym shook her head. "She wants to go with you," Rym translated, and Safa pulled on Alex's hand and brought it up to the side of her cheek. Pushing aside her black hijab, she showed Alex a glimpse of the lavender scarf Alex had given her at the hospital.

Alex squeezed Safa's hand and smiled, then noticed a quiver in Rym's voice. "Safa says she prayed Allah every day for someone to come and save her, and when she met you and Olivia, she thought you might be the ones. She's worn the scarf you gave her every day."

"Let's get you home and get you something to eat, okay?"

Olivia met them at the door and gave Alex a quick peck on the lips. Then, she knelt down and smiled at Safa, who was gripping Alex's hand and hiding behind her, looking at the floor.

"Hi, Safa. Do you remember me? I'm Olivia," she said gently, watching Safa carefully.

Safa looked up briefly and flashed a smile when she met Olivia's eyes, then rushed towards her and threw her arms around her waist.

Olivia winced, but wrapped her arms loosely around the girl and shook her head at Alex, who had moved to protect her. Safa seemed to remember Olivia's surgery quickly, and loosened her grip, brushing her fingers tentatively over Olivia's tender abdomen.

"Let's go see your room, okay? The food will be here any minute, and then we can eat."

Olivia took Safa's hand and led her into Alex's office, which Olivia had sanitized by putting the case files Alex had brought home into the locking filing cabinet, which she had moved into their walk-in closet. The rest of the room was floor to ceiling bookshelves, which Alex had had installed when she moved out of Robert's place and back in permanently, and emptied her mother's house in Amherst of her belongings. They were filled with a combination of law books, Alex's literature collection, and the extensive library Olivia had inherited from her mother, as well as their combined music and DVD collections. A ladder leaned up against a shelf in the corner - Alex had never remembered to have the contractor back to install the track and the wheels - and Olivia had pulled out the fold-out couch and made it up with clean sheets and blankets.

Safa's eyes widened at the sight of all of the books, and Olivia showed her the light switch by her bed and the side table, where Olivia had placed a large bottle of water and a glass.

"Here are some towels for you," she said, holding up a stack of two fluffy bath towels and some facecloths. "And I have some clothes here that you can try to wear until we can get some of your stuff."

Olivia opened the plastic bin Sarah had helped her dig out from the basement storage unit. Kathy Stabler had been happy to pass along all of her maternity clothes when Alex had announced her pregnancy, and Olivia had moved the bin from the closet to the basement when Alex had been told she'd never have a child of her own. Now, she was glad she'd never gotten around to donating it to Goodwill. Some of the shirts would fit Safa, at least.

Next, Olivia took Safa's hand and led her into the bathroom to show her how to use the shower, then knocked on Sarah's door to introduce them.

"Salaam wa aleikum. Ismii Sarah," she said, approaching the girl slowly like Olivia had coached her.

"Tatakalam al-arabiyya?" Safa asked, surprised. She spoke softly and hid partially behind Olivia.

Sarah shrugged and made a 'small' gesture with her hand, holding her thumb and her index finger very close together. "Qalilan faqat," she explained. "I'm learning at school. I'm Rym's student."

Safa nodded.

Olivia squeezed Safa's hand and looked down at her. "Let's go eat," she said, heading back towards the dining room table. She had heard Alex answer the door for the food delivery and then set the table.

When they finished, Safa jumped up and started taking their plates, and then flinched and froze as Olivia gently reached out to take the dishes from her hand and stop her from cleaning up.

"Hey, it's okay. You don't have to do that," she soothed, shaking her head. "Cleaning up is for the grownups to do. Why don't you go take a shower, sweetie?"

As Olivia put the dishes in the dishwasher and the leftovers in the fridge, Alex led Safa down to the guest bathroom and turned on the water, then put her towels on the heater. When she turned around, she almost gasped.

Safa had taken off her hijab and her shirt, and Alex noticed fading yellow bruises on her upper arms, and darker ones sticking out from under her camisole.

"Someone's hit you, too," Alex said quietly, trying to stop her lip from quivering as she touched a fingertip gently to one of the bruises.

She went into the master bathroom to get some cream and a comb, and knocked on Safa's bedroom door when she got out of the shower. Safa was sitting on the bed in one of Olivia's large NYPD teeshirts, looking around at all of the books.

"For your bruises," she said, opening the tub of cream. Alex dipped her fingers into the cream and paused before touching Safa's skin and rubbing it into the marks on her arms. Safa flinched each time Alex touched her, however gently, but when Alex pulled her hand away, Safa took it and touched Alex's fingers to her skin, asking her to continue. When she finished with the bruises, Alex took the comb, toweled Safa's hair, and began to run it gently through her long locks.

When she finished, she put the comb down on the side table and turned down the covers, and Safa curled up in fetal position. A tear ran down her cheek, and when Alex tucked her in and said good night, she grasped Alex's hand tightly.

"Thank you, Alesk," she whispered.

Alex smiled in surprise. She didn't know that Safa spoke any English at all. "You're welcome, Safa," she replied. She smoothed Safa's hair and turned off the light, before joining Olivia on the couch with a glass of wine.

When Alex sat down next to her, Olivia put down her sketchbook and pulled her into a kiss.

"Kiddo in bed?" she asked.

Alex nodded and leaned into Olivia's shoulder, her chest tightening as she started to cry.

"Oh, sweetie," Olivia soothed, taking Alex into her arms. "She's safe now."

"Sarah's in her room?" Alex asked, and Olivia nodded. "Okay. I'm just going to…" she gestured towards the bedroom, needing privacy to cry.

Olivia kissed her forehead. "I'll be in in a minute, sweetie."

Alex pushed up off the couch just as Sarah walked in. She had changed since dinner, and was carrying her purse. "I'm just going out to a movie…" she began, then stopped in her tracks when she noticed Alex swallow and wipe away a tear, trying to hide the fact that she had been crying. She looked back and forth between Alex and Olivia. "Is everything okay?" she asked.

Olivia nodded. "Everything's fine, sweetie. Have fun. Just knock on our door when you get home, okay?"

Sarah smiled when she saw Jake waiting for her in front of the deli around the corner from Alex and Olivia's apartment, and waved as she approached him. He took her hand and leaned in to kiss her on the cheek.

"Hi," Jake said shyly, holding her hand as they began walking towards the 79th street movie theater. "How was your week?"

Despite texting back and forth about random topics, they hadn't really discussed their daily activities. Since getting home from the doctor's office, Sarah had spent most of the afternoon laying in bed watching Leverage on Netflix, getting up occasionally to make a cup of tea or reheat the heating pad that she was using to ease the cramps from the IUD. She'd been feeling pretty crappy, and had declined an offer from Olivia to go to the grocery store and the bakery, but decided she could make an effort to walk a few blocks to the movies if it meant she got to see Jake.

"Good," Sarah said. "Pretty busy. Casey - she's the other attorney who works at SVU with Alex - finished up a trial this week and got a conviction of a guy who posed as a delivery truck driver and raped 5 women, so that was good. I helped with some expert testimony and watched closing statements. And she has a hearing next week in another case on some DNA evidence the defense wants thrown out, so I've been helping with some research on that."

"So, um, are all the cases you work on about rape?" he asked.

"Most of them. We also get child abuse cases. The squad we work with gets any crime that has a sexual element, though, so if there's a rape-murder, it might come to us."

"Oh," Jake said. "Aren't those cases, like, kinda hard to prove?"

Sarah bit her lip. "They can be. But that's what juries are for. The detectives get the evidence, and then we - I mean Alex and Casey - present it in court or use it to make a deal. The number of false rape reports is pretty low, actually. Nobody wants to go through the process of reporting a rape and taking it to trial if it didn't actually happen. It's a grueling process. Victims go through a lot before they even get close to trial."

"Yeah, I suppose," Jake said. "How did you get this job, anyway? And how'd you end up staying with your boss?"

"I knew Alex from back home. She had to leave New York during a drug case, and ended up teaching English in my high school for a year. She, uh, helped me with some personal stuff, and we stayed in touch. She knows that I want to go to law school, so she told me about the internship in the DA's office. I asked to be assigned to her division because I wanted to work with her, but I could have asked for Homicide, or White Collar, or any other department. And she has an extra room in her apartment, so she offered to let me stay, since it's an unpaid internship."

"So, are her and Olivia, like, lesbians? Did they work on too many rape cases and decide they hated men?"

"Uh, they're together, but I don't think that's how it works. That's a pretty rude thing to ask. Do you have a problem with same-sex relationships?" Sarah turned to stare him down, one eyebrow raised, using her best Cabot-inspired look.

"Uh, no! Of course not! I just thought… I didn't mean… That was a dumb thing for me to say. I'm sorry."

Sarah pressed her lips together and nodded her head once abruptly. "Good. They're good people who have helped me a lot, so if you have a problem with them, you have a problem with me."

"I just meant… maybe it's not easy to see that horrible stuff all day and then go home to someone. It must be a horrible thing to have happen to you. I mean, not you you, but you, women. You know?"

Sarah didn't answer right away, and opted to change the subject. "So, how's your job going? Any new projects at Amnesty?" she asked after a minute.

"Yeah, we're starting a new project to help journalists in Egypt who were covering the Arab Spring. We're trying to coordinate with other countries to put pressure on the Egyptian military. Lots of bloggers have been imprisoned since it started."

"Cool," Sarah said.

They selected seats near the back, and Jake took her hand again as the lights dimmed and the previews started, then leaned over and pulled her into a deep kiss. The theater was relatively empty, and there was nobody behind them.

Sarah giggled as the kiss ended. "Do people really do this? Make out in movie theaters?" she whispered, still holding Jake's hand. His other hand was cupping the back of her head, fingers in her hair.

Jake leaned over to kiss her again. "Why not?" he whispered back. "I've got roommates, and you've got… almost-parents, so it's like we're in high school and have to sneak out."

"I've got my own room, and they respect my privacy. They wouldn't care. I could have you over sometime, maybe." Sarah said, smiling against his mouth.

They continued kissing throughout most of the previews, taking a break when the actual film started half an hour later, and beginning again when it got a little boring towards the middle. Sarah held her breath when Jake took one of his hands out of her hair and slid it down her neck, then her arm, and rested against the curve of her breast. Jake pressed their foreheads together.

"Is this okay?" he whispered, stroking a little with his thumb. Sarah nodded. "Touch me," he asked.

Sarah took one hand and tentatively touched his chest, then slid it over to his side. Jake kissed her again and guided her hand down lower, until she could feel his erection through his jeans. She rubbed her hand up and down, and he kissed her again.

"That feels good," he whispered, sliding his own hand down lower, until it was on her thigh.

Sarah quickly withdrew her own hand and placed it on his. "Jake…"

"Oh, sorry, is that too much?" he asked. He put his hand back in her hair, and she nodded, putting her own hand back on his chest.

When the credits finished rolling and the lights came back on, Jake took her hand and began walking her home. "Do you want to get ice cream or coffee or something?" he asked as they walked up Broadway.

"It's kind of late…" Sarah said.

"Is this about earlier? I didn't mean… I'm sorry. I shouldn't have…"

Sarah cut him off. "No. You didn't do anything wrong. I just… I haven't… This is all kind of new to me," she finished lamely. "I was just surprised, that's all."

"I didn't make you uncomfortable? Because I don't want…"

"I'm fine, Jake. Really. I was going to see if you wanted to come up. But you should know that I'm not really ready for much more than what we just did."

Jake grinned at her and followed her into the elevator. "For the record, I'm not ready for more either. Well, maybe a little more, but not… you know." He looked down at his feet.

"Maybe we can put off that discussion for a few more dates, then?" Sarah proposed.

Jake nodded. "I think that's a good idea."

Sarah unlocked the door and looked in to make sure that Alex and Olivia weren't still in the living room, and then waved at Jake to follow her quietly into her room, and shut the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Arabic conversation is: "Hi, my name is Sarah." "You speak Arabic?" "Just a little." I took a year of Arabic in college, so hopefully I've got it right. That's about the extent of what I remember. And I have no clue if Yemeni dialect is close to the MSA in this case.


	16. Chapter 16

Olivia pulled Alex in close and wrapped her arm around her, rubbing the bare skin of her back. "Long day?" she asked, pressing a kiss to Alex's lips.

Alex nodded. "I'm so glad we got her out of there. She's going to have a hard time. But I talked to the translator, and she's willing to help us out if we need to communicate with Safa, and she said she can come to a doctor's appointment sometime this week to help us there. It will be so scary for her."

Olivia tucked Alex's hair behind her ear and kissed her again. "We'll do the best we can to help her, but she's been through a lot more than any little girl should have to go through already. You can fill me in on the details tomorrow," she replied. They had long since instituted a rule of not discussing cases in the bedroom, as they had quickly realized the damper it would put on their intimacy.

Alex looked up suddenly and scanned Olivia's eyes. "There's something else I wanted to tell you," she said, pausing as she blushed and hid her face in Olivia's neck. "I, um… while you were gone this afternoon, before… when I took a shower… I took your advice and tried it, and I, um, may have… you know."

Olivia smiled and cupped the back of Alex's head, turning slightly to kiss her cheek. "Spit it out, sweetie. You can say it."

"I, um, used the shower head," Alex mumbled into Olivia's neck, blushing furiously. "And I didn't… I was afraid of having a flashback, and I didn't, but I couldn't quite…"

"It's just me, Lex. You can say these words in court. You should be able to say them to me, too," Olivia said gently, coaxing Alex out of her hiding place.

"Forget it," Alex muttered.

"C'mon," Olivia chided, pinching Alex's side to make her yelp. "I'll make it worth your while…"

Alex lowered her voice to a whisper. "I tried to masturbate, but I couldn't quite… orgasm."

"I'm not sure I'll ever understand why it's so hard for you to say the word 'orgasm' to someone who's given you so many of them," Olivia teased gently. Alex rolled her eyes, and Olivia kissed her again. "But congratulations, sweetie. I'm happy for you."

"Thanks," Alex said softly, kissing Olivia back. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to be such a prude. I just… get uncomfortable about these things. Blame my puritanical upbringing."

"Having trouble talking about sex is only a character flaw if it causes us to be unclear and hurt each other," Olivia said. It was something they'd worked on throughout their relationship, and that Alex had worked on in therapy. She was able to discuss it clinically, but as soon as it became personal, she choked up. "But given that you were… unsatisfied this afternoon, do you need me to take care of anything for you?" Olivia smiled as she brushed her fingers against Alex's breast and pressed their mouths together.

Alex shook her head and gave a bit of a sad smile. "Earlier I would've said yes, but I'm not really in the mood after talking to Safa all afternoon. Raincheck?"

Olivia nodded and ran her fingers through Alex's hair, then kissed her neck and inhaled. "Of course, love."

They cuddled, facing each other, skin to skin, gently kissing, as they often did when they wanted to connect during a tough case.

"Sarah did great today," Olivia said, taking Alex's hand and resting it on her stomach after Alex had rolled over to be the small spoon.

The corners of Alex's lips turned up in a slight smile. "Good. I worry about her."

"She's a good kid. She'll turn out alright."

"I know. I just wonder… Every time she talks about her parents, they sound like narcissistic assholes. This Jake kid seems okay, but what do we really know about him? I worry that she's going to pick someone self-absorbed and end up getting hurt. But I don't want to interfere in something that isn't my business, either."

"This is her first relationship, Lex. Chances are good that she'll end up hurt at the end. In the meantime, we'll just have to talk to her and make sure he's treating her well. But I talked to her about it today, and she seems to have her head on straight."

Olivia paused as she heard the key in the door and feet shuffling, then a knock and a "Good night" from the hallway.

"Good night," Alex called back, hearing Sarah retreat down the hallway with a soft giggle.

"Well, that was fast," Olivia commented, wrapping herself around Alex to go to sleep.

"Mmhm," Alex murmured, her eyes closed. "I just hope he's as good to her as she deserves."

—

Sarah giggled as she shut the door behind her, and Jake wrapped his arms around her and pulled her in close for a kiss.

"You have a curfew?" Jake asked, mischief in his eyes. "Are we being sneaky?"

Sarah shook her head. "No, I just let them know when I'm home. Otherwise they'd wake up in the middle of the night and the whole NYPD would be out looking for my body somewhere. They let me stay here for free, so the least I can do is reassure them I'm not dead."

"Ah," Jake said, running his hands up Sarah's sides. He kissed her again, and traced her lips with his tongue. "It's much easier here than in the theater."

"Mhm," Sarah replied against his lips. She could feel the bulge through his jeans again, and felt her chest tightening, nervous. Pulling away from the kiss, she pressed her forehead to his and took his hand, trying to find words.

"You look beautiful tonight," Jake said. He tucked her hair behind her ear, then intertwined his fingers with hers and brought her hand down to his erection. "This is for you," he whispered.

Sarah bit her lip and held her breath, but she didn't pull her hand away. She ran her fingertips up and down tentatively.

"These jeans are getting kind of tight," he said.

"Oh! Sorry," Sarah said, pulling her hand away. "I didn't mean to…"

Jake took her hand back. "Uh, that's not what I meant," he said, smiling at her.

"Uh, I think I have some plain black pyjama pants around here somewhere. Do you want those?" She opened the top dresser drawer and pulled out two pairs, tossing him one and then turning around to pull the other pair up under her dress. She slipped the dress off over her head, uncovering the tank top she had put on underneath to cover up some of her cleavage, but opting to leave her bra. "Can I turn around?" Sarah asked.

Jake had folded his clothes and hung them over the back of the armchair in the corner, and taken off his dress shirt to show just the tank top underneath.

In one fluid movement, he pulled Sarah in for a kiss and sat down on the edge of the bed, pulling her, facing him, onto his lap.

"I like you a lot," he whispered. "Did you know that?"

Sarah swallowed and put her hands on his shoulders. Jake's hands were on her waist, and she shimmied back a little on his legs. She could tell he wanted their intimate parts to touch, but she was definitely not ready for that. "I like you, too," Sarah said. "I just need to know that I can trust you. I mean it when I want to take this slow." Sarah choked up a little. "I haven't, uh, been with anyone before, and I'm not ready yet."

"Okay," Jake said. "I, uh, did some stuff with my girlfriend in high school, but she, uh, actually died in a car accident my junior year, and I haven't gone out with anyone since."

"Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry," Sarah said, leaning in closer to kiss him.

"It's okay. I mean, it took me a long time to get over it, but I don't know… I guess I just thought there was something special about you." He blushed, and Sarah leaned in to kiss him, scooting slightly closer.

They laid down on the bed and continued kissing and touching, until Jake broke away and winced.

Sarah reached over to touch his arm. "What's wrong?"

He shook his head. "Nothing," he said. "Just, sometimes, uh, when a guy gets, you know, hard, but doesn't, uh, come, it can get a little uncomfortable."

"Oh. I'm sorry, I didn't know," Sarah said.

"It's called, uh, blue balls," he explained. "Does that happen to girls, too?"

"Uh, I don't think so," Sarah said, blushing. Could it really hurt a guy to get an erection and not have sex? And what, exactly, was she supposed to do with that information? Feel sorry for him?

"Just give me a second," he said.

Sarah turned to look at the clock, to see that it was nearly 3. "We should probably go to sleep, anyways. And we should probably wake up early so you can leave before Alex and Olivia wake up. Otherwise they'll make you stay for breakfast and they'll get your life story out of you before you finish your coffee. They're both professional interrogators." Sarah chuckled.

Jake set his phone alarm for 7 AM and curled up behind her, and Sarah stiffened, not sure how she felt about him pressing into her back. After he wrapped his arm around her to rest his hand on her stomach and kissed her cheek good night, she laid awake for a long time, trying to examine her feelings and her reactions.

She had liked kissing him, but was she aroused? Had she wanted more? Would she have wanted more if she hadn't been so preoccupied about going too far, too fast? She had been tentative, unsure when she touched him, wondering whether she was enjoying him or if she was just trying to feel normal, to have as much sex as everyone else seemed to be having.

She sighed, and looked at the numbers blinking on the clock. After 4:30. She wiped away a tear. It was okay to be confused, right? That's what Olivia said. That's what the books said… shit, the books! They were on the bottom shelf of the nightstand next to her bed, out in plain sight. Had he noticed them? Maybe she could say they were for work…

Still unable to sleep, Sarah took another suggestion from the book: she focused on Jake, and the feeling of his erection from earlier, and tried to imagine what going further would be like. What would it taste like, and what expression would he have on his face if she were to take it into her mouth? What would it feel like for him to lay on top of her, and slide himself deep inside of her? Would it hurt? Would she be afraid?

Letting out a breath, she rolled over to face him, and kissed his mouth gently. When he responded by pulling her in closer, eyes still closed, she lifted her leg and wrapped it around his, pulling herself into his body.

That's when she felt it. Jake's eyes opened and met hers as he suddenly went rigid, letting out a grunt.

Sarah froze for a minute, not able to react as her lip began to quiver and tears gathered in her eyes.

Jake reacted first, pulling away and turning red. "I'm… I didn't… That's never happened before," he said lamely. "I, um, where's the bathroom? I need to uh, clean up."

"On the left," she whispered, pulling back as well. She waited until he had tiptoed out into the hall to turn over onto her stomach, sniffling into her pillow.

"Uh, Sarah? Maybe I should just go now," he whispered, pushing the door open slightly. "I'll text you when I get back. Then we can sleep late."

"Uh, sure. Good idea," she whispered, rolling over to face the door, grateful he couldn't see her eyes. "The door locks automatically. I'll talk to you later, I guess."

Jake grabbed his pants, and Sarah heard him leave the apartment. She hoped silently that Alex and Olivia were sound sleepers and hadn't heard him leave, and she curled up around her pillow to cry herself to sleep.

—

Olivia slipped out of bed early in the morning, whispering to Alex not to wake up as she moved out from underneath her and pulled on the pyjamas she kept under her pillow. She thought she had heard footsteps in the hallway, and it unsettled her. She wasn't used to having so many people in her house.

Olivia walked quietly past Sarah's room, and slowly pushed open the door to Alex's office, which had been converted into Safa's room, hoping she'd see the girl lying in bed, fast asleep. But the room was empty, and the bed had been made perfectly, so that nobody would be able to tell anyone was staying in that room.

Closing the door behind her, Olivia tiptoed into the living room, where she noticed that one of the rugs had been placed at an angle, and that there was a light on in the kitchen.

"Safa?" she asked quietly, stepping into the kitchen.

Safa jumped, dropping the egg she had been about to crack onto the floor. She spun around, muttering something, and backed away slowly, her eyes downcast.

"Safa, sweetheart, it's okay," she said as gently as possible, approaching slowly as the girl cowered, backing herself into a corner. "Are you hungry? Would you like some eggs? I'll make them for you," she said, taking a towel to wipe the egg off the kitchen floor, then a bowl and a whisk.

Olivia held her hand out, but Safa flinched, until Olivia crouched down to her level and held out her hands, palms up. "I'm never, ever going to hit you, sweetie, okay? I promise."

She poured the eggs into a frying pan, and put two slices of bread in the toaster, then pulled a plate out of the cabinet and guided Safa into a chair at the kitchen counter, where she poured her a glass of orange juice.

"Did you sleep okay?" Olivia asked, miming sleep by putting her palms together under her tilted head.

Safa shook her head and pointed to her stomach, then made little punching motions with her hands.

"The baby was punching and kicking you? I'm sorry," Olivia sympathized, wishing she could know what that felt like.

Safa wolfed down the eggs and toast, then wrapped Alex's lavender scarf around her hair, and went to the bathroom, where Olivia heard the water running in the bathtub. After a minute or so, Safa returned, and stood on the rug she had laid out at an angle. Olivia watched as the girl began a ritual of kneeling, then touching her face to the ground, but once she realized what Safa was doing, she retreated into the kitchen to drink her coffee, not wanting to be intrusive.

Safa was praying.

Olivia rinsed the dishes in the sink and put them in the dishwasher, then wiped down the counter, and decided to cut up some fruit for snacking during the day. She kept peaking around the corner as she worked, observing as Safa spent the better part of ten minutes reciting various prayers Olivia couldn't understand.

When she was done, she put the rug back in its place and returned to the kitchen, where she opened the cabinet under the sink and began to pull out cleaning products and gloves. She selected a spray bottle with a picture of white tile on it, and sprayed the countertop before Olivia noticed, and went to take them away from her.

Safa held on tightly to the sponge and bottle as Olivia put her hands on them, trying to take them away. "Safa, I clean. You don't clean," she said, shaking her head and speaking slowly. In fact, that statement wasn't accurate at all, since Alex had a cleaning lady come a few times a week.

Safa whimpered and released her grip on the cleaning, retreating immediately to her room and cowering in the corner, where Olivia found her when she followed her a minute later.

"Sweetie, you don't have to do chores here," Olivia said, crouching down in front of her and holding out her hand. "Come on, let's see if there's anything on TV."

Olivia led Safa out to the couch, where she helped her down onto the cushions and covered her with a blanket. She took the remote, and flipped to something that looked like cartoons, then went over to the cabinet where they kept some toys and games for Lexie for when Alex's brother came to visit. She took some crayons and coloring books out, along with an electronic toy with a reading game and some packs of cards, and spread the stuff out on the coffee table.

When she returned to Safa, she found her sitting straight upright and looking directly in front of her at the TV, rather than in the comfortable position Olivia had created for her on the couch. Olivia got a little closer, and realized the girl was shaking, ever so slightly, and she took her in her arms and laid them both down.


	17. Chapter 17

Olivia sat on the couch next to Safa for a long while, sipping her coffee and trying to figure out how she could communicate with the girl. Safa was curled up in a corner, her hands on her protruding stomach, staring off into space, but Olivia noticed she kept looking at her out of the corner of her eye. Artemis, the cat, walked across the coffee table and jumped onto the couch, sniffing the girl's elbow before cuddling up next to her. Safa ignored her.

Olivia offered Safa a blanket and tucked it in around her, and turned on the TV to some children's cartoons. She took a blanket for herself, and picked up the novel she was reading off of the side table.

The cable box read 6:35 when she heard a bedroom door open, and looked up to see Sarah heading towards the guest bathroom.

"Good morning," Olivia said, catching Sarah's eye as she walked back down the hallway towards her room. Sarah's eyes were red and puffy. "You're up early."

"Couldn't sleep," Sarah said, sniffling a bit, as she took a blanket and settled into the lounge chair next to Olivia.

Olivia nodded and picked up her empty coffee cup as she got up off the couch. "I'll get you some coffee. I need a refill anyway," she said, and poured Sarah a mug from the still-hot carafe. She handed one mug to Sarah and put her own on the coffee table before settling back into her seat. She noticed that Safa, who had originally been in the opposite corner of the couch, had migrated slightly to the middle cushion. Olivia kept her posture open as she sat, leaning forward to face Sarah, who was staring at the TV but not really watching.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Olivia asked gently, taking a sip of her coffee.

Sarah shook her head, her eyes still on the TV.

"Okay," Olivia replied, leaning back into her pillow and picking up her book. She got through half a page before she felt Sarah glance over at her and back to the TV quickly.

"Can I ask you something?" Sarah said finally.

"Always," Olivia replied. She closed her book around her finger and leaned forward.

"Do guys... Um, when they get, you know... Excited... Does it hurt them?"

Olivia looked at Sarah, who was avoiding looking at her and blushing slightly. "Do you mean if they get aroused and don't have sex?""

Sarah nodded.

"Sweetie, some people get a little uncomfortable, but whether it happens or not is irrelevant."

Sarah nodded again.

"A gentleman will sacrifice his own comfort and ignore his own wants to make sure his partner is always comfortable and has what she needs."

"He didn't pressure me… I don't know why he said that."

"He might just be immature. But regardless, guilt and obligation are bad reasons to do most things, and they're especially bad reasons to do anything sexual. I know setting boundaries can be hard, but they're important in any relationship."

Sarah nodded again. "I just don't want him to think I don't like him because i say no too much."

"Honey, if he doesn't respect your no, he doesn't respect or care about you."

"I think it's just... He's more, um, experienced than me. And his last girlfriend in high school died in a car accident. Maybe he's just awkward because he was grieving."

Olivia frowned slightly, but decided not to push the issue. "Could be. But Sarah, don't make excuses for him. He's an adult and he shouldn't need you to feel bad for him to get you to like him. It's not healthy."

"He's really sweet and I like him a lot… I just… I don't know sometimes if maybe I'm just not ready to be dating someone. But it feels silly because it's been so long. Like why shouldn't I be able to date someone and have a bit of fun, you know? I'm almost 21 years old, for fuck's sake."

"Sarah, the only thing you can do is trust yourself and trust your gut. You know if something doesn't feel right for you. Take a look at some of the books I lent you. One of them talks about boundaries and how important it is to have yours respected when you're healing from abuse. If he's not willing to stay within his bounds, that's a red flag."

"He doesn't know about… I haven't told him."

Olivia shook her head. "Sweetie, what I'm trying to tell you is that it doesn't matter if he knows about what happened to you or not. He should respect you and your boundaries because you're a person he cares about. You don't need to give him an excuse or a reason why you need something or need him not to do something. But you do need to be clear on what your boundaries are for yourself, because if you don't know, then it can be hard to tell him no. And that takes a little work, possibly with a therapist."

"You and Alex both keep recommending a therapist," Sarah mused.

"That's because we know that it helps. Even when it's scary, or hard, or painful. We both care about you and support you, but we're not objective. And part of learning to have good boundaries is keeping stuff that isn't anyone's business to yourself or only sharing it with people who need to know."

Sarah nodded. "I'll think about it," she said.

"I thought the one you were seeing in Portland helped?"

Sarah shrugged. "Yeah, she helped. But I don't know if I want to start all over with someone new. It took a long time to feel comfortable with her."

"Fair enough. Can you email her and see if she'll do sessions over Skype? Some therapists do that now."

"Really? I didn't know that was a thing."

"It doesn't hurt to ask. And if she doesn't, we have a department list that we recommend."

Sarah nodded again, and then nodded her head in the direction of Safa, who had moved closer to Olivia and now was almost snuggled up beside her. Olivia turned to face her, giving her a kind smile and showing her open arms, before gently placing a hand on her back and rubbing.

"How are you doing, sweetie?" she asked. "Do you need anything? Sarah, how do you say 'water' and 'food' in Arabic?"

"Ma'a?" Sarah asked, looking at Safa. "Aw ta'aam?" She made drinking and eating motions with her hands.

"Ma'a, min fadliki," Safa whispered, lowering her gaze and blushing. Olivia pushed up off the couch and filled a glass of water from the fridge, and handed it to her.

"You can help yourself to anything you need, sweetie," Olivia said, making eye contact with her and smiling. She looked up at Sarah. "Can you tell her?"

"Um, I don't know if I know how to say that," Sarah said. "I'll try to think about it."

"Thank you," Olivia said. "If not, no worries. Rym is coming at 9:30 and the social worker is coming at 10 so we can talk through a few things with Safa. It's after 7, so I'm going to get dressed and make sure Alex is awake so we're ready on time."

Olivia went into the bedroom and closed the door behind her. Alex was still under the covers, and Olivia slid back in next to her and covered her, kissing her softly.

"Mmm," Alex murmured, enjoying the feel of Olivia on top of her.

"Good morning, beautiful," Olivia whispered, kissing her again on the mouth before kissing her neck and collarbone, and slipping a hand under Alex's pyjamas to caress her stomach.

"Liv…"

"Yeah, baby?" Olivia whispered, biting her ear. She massaged Alex's breast, and Alex let out a soft gasp. "Do you want my fingers or my mouth?"

"Fff - fingers," Alex said, gripping Olivia.

Olivia slipped her hand down into Alex's panties and grinned when she felt how wet Alex was. "This is a nice surprise," Olivia said, spreading the moisture around.

Alex blushed. "I was having a nice dream," she admitted.

"Mm? Was I there?" Olivia asked.

"Mhmm," Alex replied, avoiding eye contact.

"And what was I doing in the dream? Tell me what you need, babe," she whispered.

Alex shook her head and blushed more. "It's… not something we've done before."

"Something new? I'm open to ideas. Tell me, sweetie," Olivia coaxed, circling Alex's clit with her thumb as she teased her opening.

Alex shook her head again and gasped as Olivia took pity on her and eased a finger inside.

"Your loss, then," she whispered, smiling as she kissed Alex again and held her as she came.

Alex let out a shaky breath and a smile. "Somehow I don't feel like I lost," she said, kissing Olivia gently when she could speak again. "Man, I'm going to owe you so bad next month," she joked.

Olivia shook her head. "You don't owe me a thing," she said. "I'm not keeping score. I'm pretty sure we could stay in bed all month and I'd still be way ahead. But the point is that we both enjoy ourselves, and I definitely enjoyed that."

"Fair enough," Alex said.

Olivia kissed her again. "We should hop in the shower, since Rym is going to be here at 9:30. Do you want to go separately, or together?"

"Together," Alex said, holding Olivia's hand. "We should go over what we need to discuss this morning."

Olivia nodded and followed her into the master bathroom and undressed, covering her bandage with a waterproof covering before she turned on the shower.

"You got up awfully early this morning," Alex commented, stepping into the shower next to her.

"Safa was up early and I heard her. She was trying to make breakfast and accidentally made a mess in the kitchen, then freaked out when I saw. She thought I was going to hurt her."

Alex nodded "She had lots of bruises on her, so I think it's safe to say someone's been hitting her, too."

"Her options are going to suck. I don't think they can separate her from her baby unless she consents to an adoption, but she's 11. How can she consent to anything? Is a foster family going to take her AND a newborn, especially given her medical needs? And can she even go to a facility? The ones they have for teen moms - I don't know if they've ever had anyone that young in there. The moms are usually at least 14."

"I'm concerned about her safety," Alex replied, shampooing her hair. "Mr. Al-Masri knows by now that she accused him, and he's probably friends with most of the OPEC and UN delegates in New York. His diplomatic immunity may not extend to this crime, but other diplomats may get away with more. Especially if there are others in the same situation."

Olivia nodded. "I thought about that."

"Sorting out her status as a refugee shouldn't be a problem because of provisions in the Violence Against Women Act for victims of trafficking and abuse. But we need to figure out if there's a link between the acid attack and her abuse, because if there is, she could be in danger."

Olivia furrowed her brow. "Do you think… is it possible she burned herself with acid to get to the hospital for medical care, or to escape the abuse? No, that doesn't make sense," she continued. "Where would she have gotten the idea, or the acid? And she didn't sound like she was making up the things the attackers shouted at her." She looked at Alex, who watched Olivia talking to herself bemusedly. "I'll mention it to Elliot, but I really don't think she's making it up. So, either the person who attacked her knew she was being abused and that the abuse would be exposed, or the the attack is unrelated to the abuse."

Alex opened her mouth to interject, but Olivia continued. "Wait, it doesn't really make sense that anyone would think they were helping her by sending her to the hospital through an acid attack, does it? Unless whoever did it didn't calculate the abuse part, or wanted to hurt Safa and expose her abuser…"

"Elliot and Munch need to talk to the so-called sister," Alex said. "Hopefully Social Services is taking care of her this weekend."

Olivia nodded, still staring off into space, thinking.

"Liv, what are you thinking about for us, in terms of Safa staying here?"

Olivia shrugged. "I'm already attached to her," she admitted. "But there are a lot of different factors to consider. Our jobs, first off. She's going to require a lot of medical care, she may have an attachment disorder. She'll need ESL tutoring and therapy. And then if she keeps the baby, we're dealing with a child with a child. Is she doing baby care as the mom? Do we take over as the parents? And if she gives up the baby, are we going to deal with that? And if, at any point, we decide it's too much for us, she'd be abandoned."

Alex nodded and ran her hands down Olivia's arms. "Liv, let's take it one step at a time, okay? We don't have to commit right this second to paying for her child to go to college."

"I know, I just… we have to do what's best for her, and I'm not sure what that is, right now."

"Me neither, love. But she's going to have some scary medical stuff, so if she's comfortable with you, it might reassure her to have you there. And if they ever need her to testify…"

"This is just a huge fucking ethical dilemma."

"Believe me, Liv, I know. I'm right there with you. And I think that her best chance of having her autonomy respected is to have us in her corner, at least for the time being. We have the resources to get her better help than the state would pay for through the foster system. So tell me, what is your heart telling you?"

Olivia whispered as Alex finished rinsing her hair and put her arms around her. "We should let her stay as long as she wants to. At least until she gives birth."

Alex kissed her forehead. "That's what I thought."

Alex and Olivia got dressed, and when Olivia opened the bedroom door, she was surprised to find Safa sitting on the rug outside, curled up against the wall with a pillow.

Alex knelt down next to her. "Good morning, Safa," she said, smiling kindly, before looking over her shoulder to Sarah. "Good morning, Sarah."

"Morning," Sarah replied from the couch. "I tried to bring her back over here, but she started to get upset, so…"

"It's okay," Olivia said. "Probably shouldn't try to touch her."

"I didn't," Sarah said. "I know better. I just got close to her."

Olivia went into the kitchen and started yet another pot of coffee and pulled down a mug for Alex.

Alex sat down at the counter and pulled a grapefruit out of the fruit basket to cut in half. "Sarah, we're going to tell the social worker today that we're happy to have Safa stay here for as long as she's comfortable. Do you have any objection to that?"

"No, of course not," Sarah replied. "I mean, I'm only here until August anyway. Hey, does that mean you're going to adopt her baby?"

Olivia and Alex exchanged a look, and Alex put down her coffee mug.

"Well, we don't know what Safa is going to decide about her baby, or about staying with us. It would be awfully presumptuous of us to think so," Alex said curtly.

"Right. Of course. Sorry," Sarah mumbled, embarrassed, before she slinked off to her room.

Olivia smiled at Safa, who had come to sit next to Alex at the counter, and offered her more juice and some of the cheesy omelet she was making for Alex.

Safa looked up from her slumped shoulders and bowed heads look questioningly at Olivia, who smiled to reassure her as she tipped the frying pan towards her plate.

"Sorry, sweetie, next one's for you," she said to Alex.

The inter phone rang at 9:05, and Alex buzzed up Casey, who arrived with bedhead and a Duane Reade bag in her hand, wearing the same clothes she had worn the previous day.

"Bathroom," she called, waving to Olivia in the kitchen on her way back.

"Good morning to you, too, Case!" Olivia called after her. "Coffee?"

"Please!" Casey replied. She came back a few minutes later, her makeup freshly applied, her hair brushed, and new pantyhose on, and sat down at the counter next to Safa with a coffee mug.

Olivia and Alex looked at her, eyebrows raised, as Casey sipped her coffee and pretended not to notice. Finally, Olivia chuckled. "So, walk of shame into our house, Novak?"

Casey blushed. "Maybe."

"Who's the lucky guy?" Alex asked.

Casey lifted her coffee mug to hide her face as she mumbled, "Met him at a bar."

Olivia shook her head and smiled. "Good for you."

She took down another coffee mug from the cabinet as Alex went over to buzz up Rym and greet her at the door.

"Thank you so much for coming over again this morning and for giving us so much of your weekend," Alex said, guiding her inside.

"My pleasure," Rym replied, standing awkwardly at the kitchen entrance. "How is Safa doing? I was thinking about her last night."

"She seems to be doing okay," Olivia replied, handing her a cup of coffee. "She's been quiet and shy, but I think she's getting used to us. She's been following me around like a cat."

Rym smiled.

"She said 'thank you' to me last night when I put her to bed," Alex said. "So I think she knows a little bit of English, but I have no idea how much. She hasn't said anything else."

Olivia guided them into the living room, where Safa was back on the couch, and sat down next to her.

"Sweetie, you remember Rym from yesterday, right? She's going to help us talk to you this morning," Olivia began.

Safa pulled a throw pillow against her stomach and retreated as far back as she could into the cushions.

"It's okay, Safa. We don't have to talk about anything scary today," Alex soothed, sitting down in the recliner behind Olivia. Rym sat on Safa's other side.

"We're just going to talk about a couple of things this morning," Olivia said. "Safa, when you lived in your old house, did anyone ever hit you, or hurt you?"

Safa shrinked down and nodded, avoiding eye contact.

"Okay, sweetie," Olivia continued. "Alex and I want you to know that as long as you stay here with us, nobody will ever hurt you, okay? We will never hit you, and we won't touch you unless you say it's okay. You don't have to be afraid here. You're safe with us."

Out of the corner of her eye, Alex noticed Rym swallowing hard, as Safa started to cry and leaned into Olivia's arms as she rocked her.

"It's okay, sweetie. It's okay."

When Safa had slowed down her crying, she whispered something to Rym.

"What about when the man comes home?" Rym repeated.

Olivia looked confused. "What man?" she asked, looking for clarification.

Rym talked to Safa again, and nodded in understanding. "She, uh, I think, where she comes from, every man has several wives and the families all live together, so I think she thinks you're all married to a husband who will come back."

Olivia nodded. "Safa, sweetie, no men live in this house. It's just me and Alex. And Sarah is staying with us for the summer until she goes back to school. In the United States, people can only marry one other person. And it's sort of like I'm married to Alex."

Rym blushed a bit and hesitated in her explanation, but Safa seemed to accept it without too much difficulty.

Alex leaned forward in the recliner. "Safa, the social worker is going to come in a little while, and it's her job to make sure you're being taken care of properly. She may offer to find you another place to live, and any place she finds is a home with good people who won't hurt you."

"We're going to tell her that you're welcome to stay here as long as you like," Olivia said. "The important thing is that you feel safe. And whether it's here, or with another family, we're going to take you to get medical care for you and your baby, and make sure you're eating healthy, and get a tutor so you can start learning English. And while you're here, your job is to take care of yourself, to eat, and to relax, okay? You don't have to do any cleaning or chores. Those are for Alex and I to do. If you accidentally spill something or make a mess, it's okay. We'll clean it up." She smiled at Safa, who nodded slowly.

Alex put her finished coffee mug down on the table. "And tell us, honey, did you sleep okay? Were you comfortable? Do you need anything?"

Safa nodded again, slowly relaxing her grip on the couch cushion, and Alex turned to Rym. "Rym, I admit I don't know much about Islam. The extent of my knowledge is no pork and no alcohol. Can you ask her about other things she might need, uh, culturally speaking? Do we need to bring her to a mosque? Does she need anything for her prayers? Any other dietary restrictions, that sort of thing? I don't really know what to ask, but we do want to make her as comfortable as possible."

Rym spoke quietly to Safa for a few moments, coaxing longer and longer answers out of the girl, before nodding. "She says that her sister is in charge of the cooking so she doesn't know if they eat only halal meat. She has a prayer mat and some headscarves at home, and slippers for inside the house. Culturally, we tend to not wear shoes indoors. And she also has a small pitcher to use in the bathroom instead of paper, and she wants to know if she can get her clothes and a necklace that belonged to her mother along with these items."

"Does she want us to buy halal meat?" Olivia asked. "I'm not sure what that means or where to get it… We usually buy organic and stuff from the farmer's market. But if that's important to her, and she doesn't want to eat anything else, we can find some."

"Halal means that the butcher said a prayer before killing the animal," Rym explained. "She says she can say a prayer before she eats."

"The necklace, can she tell us what it looks like and where it is in the house? I'm not sure we're going to be able to go there, but we might be able to ask the officers searching the property if they can recover it."

The interphone rang again, and Alex motioned for Casey to answer it and buzz up the social worker, and got up to make more coffee. When the woman arrived, she greeted her at the door, and began a tour of the apartment, starting with the room where Safa had spent the night. She introduced her to Sarah, who was watching something on Netflix in her room, showed her the locked filing cabinet in the walk-in closet and the locked medicine cabinet in the master bedroom, and gave a quick tour of the kitchen, before returning to the living room to introduce her again to Safa.

"Safa, this is Ellen," Alex said, standing in front of the couch. Ellen held out her hand to shake as Rym translated. "Her job is to make sure you have a place to stay where you're safe and where you're being taken care of. We're going to go into the kitchen and let you talk to her in private about some things, and then if you're going to stay here, we'll talk about what's going to happen this week."

Olivia got up off the couch and met Alex and Casey in the kitchen, while Ellen sat down beside Safa. She took took her phone out of her pocket to text Elliot about the items they wanted from the house.

_On my way there now. I'll see what I can get and drop it by around lunchtime._

The three stood around in silence, mostly, since nobody wanted more coffee and there wasn't much to say.

"So, are you going to see the bar guy again, or was it just a one night kind of deal?" Olivia asked.

Casey blushed. "Well, that wasn't the plan when I went out last night, but it went pretty well, so we'll see?"

"And what's his name?" Alex probed.

"Eric. He's an English teacher down at Stuyvesant."

"Nice," Alex said. "I hope you get to see him again. Did you get his number?"

Casey's face went white, and she put her hand up to cover her mouth. "Shit," she muttered under her breath.

"Oh no!" Olivia lamented. "Well, if you know where he works and his first name, you should be able to find him online. Try looking on the school website to see if you can get his last name, and maybe he has a school email. Or you can look him up on Facebook."

Casey pulled out her phone and pulled up the website. "Or, I can wait to see if he wants to see me enough to look me up at the DA's office."

"Or that," Alex agreed.

"How did the first night with Safa go?" Casey asked. "I can't imagine… that poor girl."

"It was okay," Olivia said. "She's shy and she was afraid we were going to hurt her, at least at first. She doesn't seem to have an attachment problem, though, as far as I can tell. We'll talk to George and hopefully get to see a counsellor pretty quickly, but I don't get the same vibe from her that I do from some abused kids."

Casey nodded. "Well, her mother died when she was 8 or 9, right? So maybe she had really good attachment when she was small… I don't really know how it works."

"Me neither."

Olivia pulled out her phone again, this time pulling up her contacts list. "I'm going to call Dr. Logan to see what her schedule is like this week and when we can bring Safa in. We should do that as soon as possible to make sure she gets the care she needs. And the stress can't be good for her or the baby."

A quick phone call later, and they rejoined Safa, Ellen, and Rym in the living room.

"Okay, so I explained to Safa the concept of foster care, and what her options are until she has the baby and then afterwards. I told her that this week, we were going to make it a priority to get her medical care and an ESL tutor. She told me she's fine here, and frankly, I don't see a good reason to move her, at least for now, as long as you're fine keeping her. The best placement I could get her would have at least 2 other foster children and she'd be at a facility during the day since the mom works. We'll have to talk later about what to do once Safa has the baby, but for now, I told her she has time to think about what she wants."

Alex and Olivia nodded. "I set up an appointment for her tomorrow with an OBGYN at Mercy. I know her from work as she often treats victims of sexual assault, so she's equipped to treat Safa, and she treated her before, when she was first brought to the hospital. She's calling in a prescription for Ativan to give her before we go, so she's relaxed enough to be examined," Olivia said.

"Fine. I'll have my office set up her medicaid tomorrow, and I'll get that for you as soon as possible. And we'll be in touch about the ESL stuff."

"By any chance are you available to come to the hospital with us tomorrow to explain to Safa what's happening? It was the only day this week we could get in," Alex asked.

"I have a department meeting, but I'll have to see what time it's at," Rym replied.

"Okay. Let's just explain a bit now, then, in case you can't make it. Safa, do you remember Dr. Logan from the hospital?" Olivia asked, and Safa nodded. "Okay. Do you know about how babies are born?"

Safa nodded again, slowly, and suddenly looked frightened. "I saw my mother have two babies. The second time, her scar was closed up and the baby couldn't come out, and she died."

Olivia reached over to touch her hand. "Sweetie, we're going to make sure that doesn't happen to you. That's why we're going to take you to the doctor tomorrow to make sure everything is okay."

"Is it going to hurt?" she asked, tears forming in her eyes.

Olivia smiled kindly. "If the doctor has to do anything that hurts, she's going to give you medicine so you don't feel anything, okay? And I'll hold your hand. But it's important that she check you out so you and the baby are safe, okay? And she'll tell us what we need to do to make sure you stay healthy and safe."

Safa nodded. "Okay," she said, and squeezed Olivia's hand.


	18. Chapter 18

Safa clung to Olivia, hiding behind her the next morning on their way to the hospital, where they met Rym in the lobby. Safa didn't react when Rym said hello or asked how she was doing, and Rym just smiled kindly and made small talk with Olivia.

"Your, um, Alex isn't here this morning?" she asked, and Olivia shook her head.

"She had court. We're going away in a couple of weeks so she doesn't want to get behind on things now. We think it will be good for Safa to get away from the city."

Rym nodded. "She looks very frightened," she said.

"I know we talked to her a bit about what's happening, but I'm not sure she needs to know everything once we're in there. I don't know how much she knows about her pregnancy and her condition, and I don't want to scare her."

"I'll see what the doctor asks me to translate," Rym said. "Normally it's unethical for an interpreter not to translate everything being said, but there is her age to consider. You have decision making ability; she doesn't."

Olivia nodded. "I'm just worried that these visits might trigger PTSD or something, either from the abuse or from the infibulation."

Rym looked grim. "That's true."

Olivia pulled an envelope out of her pocket and looked at her watch. "Speaking of which, it's time for Safa to have her medication so she's relaxed before the appointment. Hopefully this will make things go more smoothly."

Olivia held it out in her hand and Safa took the pill and put it in her mouth once Rym had explained what it was for. She held out a water bottle and Safa took a long drink, then handed it back to her.

"OK, no more water for a while," Olivia said. "We're going to have to wait until after your appointment."

They took the elevator up to Dr. Logan's office, and checked in with the receptionist before sitting in the corner. Olivia had given Safa a small stuffed animal that she had pulled out of their basement storage unit, and she held it tightly to her chest, her nose buried in it, trying to relax. The medicine was helping, but slowly.

When it was their turn, they escorted Safa in and helped her to sit on the table, with Olivia and Rym sitting by her head.

"Good afternoon, ladies," Dr. Logan said, smiling at Safa as she took out a file. "First thing we're going to do is just see how you and baby are doing today, so you can relax a bit." She looked at Rym to wait for the translation. "You let me know if you have any questions or if you need me to do anything to make you feel safe, okay?"

Safa nodded, still clutching the stuffed rabbit.

Dr. Logan took out her stethoscope and prepared to listen to Safa's heart, and then her stomach, and then took her blood pressure. "A little high, but that could just be stress from the appointment," she said. "Maybe we'll have you monitor it at home a few times just to be sure. It was high before when she was in here as well, but I think that's normal given the circumstances."

Dr. Logan talked to Safa about drinking water, and her eating habits, and whether she felt the baby move.

"There's really a baby in there?" Safa asked quietly, clearly still shocked from the news. "What am I going to do? I'm never going to be able to go to school if I have a baby. How will I earn enough money to live?"

Dr. Logan looked up at Olivia, who leaned in. "Sweetheart, we're going to make sure you can go to school. We'll have to talk about the baby, and whether she's going to stay with you, or whether you might want another family to adopt her. You don't have to make that decision right away, but it will help Ellen, Alex, and I decide where you're going to live and who's going to take care of you."

"Would you and Alex take my baby?" she asked abruptly, putting her hand on her stomach. "I don't want her... I mean, I want her but I don't want her to grow up knowing what men can do to women. I want her to be protected. And at some point they're going to find me and it will be all over for me. Women in my country die when they do not do what the men say. It is dishonorable."

"Sweetheart, the only thing that is dishonorable is the way you've been treated," Olivia said, rubbing her thumb across Safa's forehead. "You deserve better than that. And no matter what happens, you and the baby will both be kept safe, whether you're together or not. Alex and I are going to make sure of that."

Safa nodded. "I'm scared," she whispered.

"I know you are," Olivia said. "But Dr. Logan is going to make sure you and the baby are okay, and we're going to take care of you."

Dr. Logan put down her pen and took out a gown, which she handed to Safa. "I'm going to need you to take everything off and put this on," she said. "I'm going to go get a few things. Maybe Olivia and Rym will step out with me while you get changed."

Safa shook her head and gripped Olivia's hand. "Don't leave," she said, and Olivia nodded.

Olivia helped her put on the gown and sit back on the table, and then sat behind her and held her hand while rubbing her back with the other one. Safa struggled to breathe regularly, trying not to sniffle or cry, and Olivia just continued to rub until the doctor came back, pushing a small cart with some tools on it, another doctor trailing behind her.

"This is Dr. Simone, the anestesiologist," Dr. Logan explained. "He does the epidurals for our maternity ward, and I thought it would be a good idea to bring him down here. We'll just use local anesthetic for this procedure, but when she gives birth, she'll probably want the epidural."

Olivia nodded and shook the doctor's hand, while Safa tried to push back into her, making herself small.

"No, don't hurt me," she whimpered, over and over, while Dr. Simone backed off and put up his hands.

"I'm not going to hurt you," he said gently. "I'm going to make sure Dr. Logan doesn't hurt you. I'm going to give you a shot of anesthetic, and Dr. Logan is going to look at your scar."

Safa began to cry, and Olivia squeezed her hand.

"Sweetie, remember how you told us about what happened to your mom with her scar?" she said, using her most soothing voice and running her fingers through Safa's hair. "We don't want that to happen to you, so Dr. Logan is going to take a look and open your scar a little bit so the baby can come out when it's time. Dr. Simone is going to give you medicine so you don't feel her doing anything. It won't hurt, I promise."

Safa cried harder and leaned into Olivia's arms.

"I know you're scared, sweetheart, but we're going to be as gentle as we can. It's only going to take a few minutes, and you'll just feel a little pinch from the shot.

"A man shouldn't see me down there. It's adultery," she whimpered.

"Not if it's a doctor," Rym said.

"Come on, Safa, you can be brave. I know you can do this," Dr. Logan said.

Olivia scooted back on the table and gently pulled Safa down, who froze into place. She stood next to the girl and leaned over her, holding her hand and rubbing her forehead, as Dr. Logan lifted her shaking legs into the stirrups. Olivia helped her to scoot down, and Dr. Logan lifted the gown.

"I'm going to have Dr. Simone give me the shot, and I'm going to give it to you," Dr. Logan said, and she picked up the needle to administer the local anesthetic between her legs.

"I've done some research on this procedure and talked to some French surgeons who do genital reconstruction surgery on women who have been mutilated. It's covered by health insurance in France because sexual function is seen as a right," Dr. Logan said. "For now, all I'm going to do is open up the scar enough so that it won't tear open if she goes into labor. I still think a Cesarean will be the best option for her, but she could still dialate or go into labor spontaneously, and I don't want there to be any chance of that happening. This should make it easier for her to urinate," the doctor explained.

After the anesthetic was administered, Dr. Simone left the room, and Dr. Logan picked up another small pill from the table. "How about a little more ativan to relax? I'm not sure one was enough. This will be over before you know it."

Safa took the pill and remained locked into place on the table, as Dr. Logan cleaned her and picked up the scalpel. She didn't speak as she performed the procedure, and Olivia and Rym were silent as well, although both wanted to cry.

It seemed to take forever for Dr. Logan to put down the scalpel and bandages, and Olivia just kept rubbing the girl's forehead as she was patched up. She looked at Rym and then at Olivia. "Please don't translate all of this," she requested, and Rym nodded.

"I've opened the scar and removed enough of the scar tissue so the vagina and urethra are visible. She should be able to urinate easily now, but it will probably sting the first couple of days, and she'll likely have some incontinence as she gets used to it. I'm going to recommend soaking pads with witchhazel and putting them in the freezer, and I'll give her a peri bottle with some witchhazel spray in it to use on herself when she goes to the restroom. It will help the scarring process and it's what we recommend for new mothers who have tearing during birth. It will also help if she drinks a lot of water so her urine is clear. Bags of frozen peas as she lays on the couch will also help.

"She's got a lot of scarring still and tears that were never allowed to heal properly, probably from repeated abuse. And I did try to locate some clitoral tissue, without success. Ethically, we won't be able to 'close up' her scar after birth, which is what would normally happen in her own country. She can undergo genital reconstruction surgery at a later date, when she's a teenager or a young adult, to have more a normal-looking vulva, but unless there's some clitoral tissue buried in there that I didn't see, she probably won't have much sexual function. Sometimes the body can adapt and create other sensitive areas, but with this level of damage, I'm not sure what will happen. It's something to put in her file and think about when she's older."

Olivia nodded, a look of horror on her face, and she glanced over at Rym, who had tears streaming down her cheeks. She shook her head a bit, motioning towards the door, and Rym went to step out.

"It's over, sweetheart," she whispered to Safa a few times, who was still squeezing her eyes shut and clenching Olivia's hand.

The doctor put another pad under her, and poured some sanitizing solution on her. "I'm going to leave you like this for a bit until the anesthesia starts to wear off, and then I'll bring back the refrigerated pads for her to wear home. The pain should only last a day or so at most. If she is bleeding or isn't able to walk on Wednesday or Thursday, call me to check her out."

Olivia nodded and shook the doctor's hand.

"The baby looks great, though," Dr. Logan said. "I don't think you have anything to worry about."

Olivia squeezed Safa's hand again. "Thank you, Dr. Logan."

—

Alex put away her phone after receiving Olivia's text that all had gone as well as could be expected and they were in a cab on their way back to the apartment, when there was a knock on her office door.

"Hi, Trevor," she said, looking up. "If you're here about a plea for Nelson, you can hold your breath. We've got the murder weapon and the DNA, so I'm not taking anything less than Murder 1."

Trevor paused. "Actually, I was here for our lunch date. Did you forget about that? I can go alone, but since I'm billing Rice for a meeting with you anyway, I thought we might as well get a nice meal out of it."

"Oh, right," Alex said. "You know, it did slip my mind. Sorry. I can be ready in 2 minutes, though." She closed the file on her desk and logged out of her computer.

"How's the girl doing?" Trevor asked, resting his briefcase on the chair in front of Alex's desk.

Alex pursed her lips grimly. "She's fine. She's had a rough life for the past few years and some more challenges ahead of her. It's hard to believe she can trust us at all with all of the abuse she's suffered."

Trevor shook his head. "I can imagine. We've all seen some pretty horrible stuff, but this... you're doing a good thing for her, Cabot."

Alex shrugged. "It's just one of those cases where I don't think anything we could do would be enough."

She locked her office and they walked down to the café across from the DA's office building, Alex carrying her suit coat in her arm because of the warm weather.

"So, your wife isn't going to get jealous?" Alex asked as Trevor held the door open for her. "I thought you weren't supposed to be friends with me."

Trevor shrugged, a guilty look on her face. "Well, what she doesn't know... We do have legitimate business to discuss for a case. I've told her before that I can't completely avoid talking to you. I don't know why she's so weird about you. And what about you?"

"Olivia, jealous of you?" Alex chuckled, then reached over to touch Trevor's hand. "Oh, I'm sorry. She knows you've been my friend since college, and I don't think she's worried about you. She knows we never had chemistry."

"I always thought that was too bad. Of course, it makes sense, now that you're with Olivia."

Alex nodded and picked up the menu, surveying the fancier options since Trevor's firm was paying. "Neither of us have court this afternoon; are we having wine?"

"Sure," Trevor said. "Might make you slightly more amenable to what I have in mind for the Rice case."

Alex rolled her eyes.

"Well, I don't know what I can do about that one. There were a dozen cops that witnessed it, extreme emotional distress and postpartum depression notwithstanding. I have zero sympathy for a woman who would throw her own child away like that. You know I've tried to have children. How angry do you think I am that she can just throw one of hers off a bridge?"

"Alex, I know you've had at least one loss, and I suspect it's been more than one. Believe me, I sympathize. Between you and me, we've been trying too, and so far, nothing. It's been hard on Alyssa. But Susan lost a child too, and she was in the throes of grief. She wasn't thinking rationally. It was too much pressure for her. Surely you can have some compassion for a woman who thought she had no other options."

"It was premeditated."

"It was a tragedy," Trevor offered, as his phone rang. "Excuse me one sec - hello, darling," he answered, and Alex raised her eyebrow and smiled. "Oh, I'm just having lunch with one of the attorneys, a prosecutor on one of my cases. Oh, no. It's not a woman. It's Jim. Jim Steele. You met him at one of the Bar Association dinners one time. Listen, I've got to go. My client is paying for this time. OK, I'll talk to you later. Love you too."

Alex put down her phone and gave Trevor a look. "Lying to your wife about who you're with?" she asked.

Trevor shrugged again. "Like I said, what she doesn't know... She has no reason to be jealous. I'm just avoiding drama."

"I always knew you liked your women controlling, Trevor," Alex retorted.


	19. Chapter 19

"We think we may have found some motive for the attack against Safa, but we're still not sure who the perp is," Elliot explained to Olivia over the phone. "Can we come by and talk to Safa a bit? Is Rym still with you to translate?"

Olivia looked over at Safa, who was curled up on the couch, zoned out, with some cartoons on the iPad. She hadn't moved or made a sound since they had gotten back from the hospital, despite Rym's efforts to comfort the girl and make sure she ate something. Olivia wasn't sure they would get anything out of her.

"El, let me talk to Safa for a minute and see if she's up to answering questions. She's… I'm not sure if she's in shock, or just in pain, but the procedure this morning took a lot out of her. Rym is here, but we haven't been able to engage her much. I'll text you if I think she's up for it."

"Okay. We've also got the things she wanted from her room. Her necklace, a few pictures. And Cabot was right, as usual. We found wedding pictures in her bedroom, and some documents in Arabic that we need to get translated. I'll tell you the rest after we talk to Safa."

Olivia hung up and motioned for Rym to join her. She sat on the coffee table and Rym on the edge of the couch.

Safa's eyes were open, but she didn't acknowledge the women.

"Safa, sweetheart, how are you doing?" Olivia asked gently. Rym matched her soft, soothing tone. "Are you in pain? Are you hungry?"

Safa shook her head, almost imperceptibly. Olivia had been giving her doses of pain medication regularly.

"Safa, do you remember the men who are helping us find the person who attacked you? They have some questions they want to ask you. Is it okay if they come talk to you for a few minutes? Rym and I will stay with you the whole time. You will be safe."

Safa mumbled something, then teared up.

"Elliot and Munch are my friends," Olivia explained, "and they want to find this man and put him in jail. You can help them by answering their questions. And they found your necklace and some things you wanted from your room that they want to bring to you."

"I need… they can't see me undressed."

"We will help you get dressed. They won't come until we tell them you're ready. Why don't we get you rinsed off, and change your bandages, and then see how you feel?"

Safa turned pink and looked away, and Olivia could tell she was embarrassed by the scent of urine coming from the sheets. Dr. Logan had implied accidents would be normal.

"Safa, honey, we'll get you cleaned up, and I'll put the sheets in the wash. It's okay." Olivia reassured her. Fortunately, Olivia had put down a mattress protector under the other sheets and blankets on the couch, in anticipation. "Let's go right to the shower in the master bath." It would be easier for her to step in and out of the shower stall (next to the jacuzzi) than the full tub in the guest bathroom.

Olivia and Rym supported her as she limped to the bathroom, and then Olivia helped her to undress and get in the shower, taking her clothes and the sheets for the washing machine, before setting up a new set of sheets on the couch. She laid out a new outfit for her, and disposable underwear with witch hazel pads.

Rym lingered outside the bathroom door, unsure of what to do and how to help. After returning to the apartment with Olivia and Safa, she had spent the morning discussing literature and poetry with Olivia, surprised to learn that her mother had been a professor of English. Rym was working on her dissertation in English literature while teaching Arabic, and had been living in New York for nearly 15 years.

Olivia helped Safa step into clean panties and leggings, with minimal movement, and pull a dress over her head. She passed the lavender scarf from Alex to Rym, along with some pins, so Rym could help her to put it on her head. Rym tucked her hair into the headscarf, very gentle around the still-sensitive scar from the acid burn.

"Safa," Rym said quietly as she adjusted the scarf. "I know that where you're from, women always cover their heads. But it's not a requirement of Islam, and you don't have to wear the headscarf if you choose not to. I don't wear one, because we believe it should be a choice. Wearing a headscarf, or not, does not excuse anything that men do to you."

"Where I am from, only prostitutes do not wear headscarves," Safa said. "It is dishonourable."

"Do you know what a prostitute is?" Rym asked, raising an eyebrow.

Safa shook her head.

"And the women who have been helping you, and who have welcomed them into their home: Olivia, Alex, Sarah, the doctor from this morning - do you think they are dishonourable because they don't cover their hair?"

Safa shook her head again. "My mother once told me that a prostitute is a woman who has no shame," she explained.

"And when Allah created you, he made you without shame. Shame does not come from Allah. Shame comes from men who do not know how to treat women. The shame is not yours; it is theirs. It is up to you to decide whether you want to claim it for yourself. And believe me, you will be much stronger without it."

The women got Safa situated back onto the couch with a snack and some blankets, just as the detectives arrived. Olivia motioned for Munch and Stabler to sit on the love seat, and Rym sat right by Safa. Munch began by handing over a bag of things to Rym, who handed them to Safa.

"These are some things we found in your room for you," he said. Safa opened the bag and pulled out a locket, wrapped in a cloth, and some pictures. She pulled out a worn photo and held it to her chest.

"Safa, we'd like to ask you a few questions about Miriam," Elliot said. "Is that okay?"

Safa nodded.

"When Miriam left the house with you, did she ever see any friends?"

Safa shrugged. "We weren't really allowed to talk to anyone. Mrs. Hassan has a son who was older than her and he talked to us in the shop sometimes."

"What about people who came to the house?"

"There were other delegates from Yemen who came for dinner sometimes, and Miriam cooked. But I didn't really talk to them.”

"Miriam talked to them, though?"

"Sometimes. One time we saw one of them at Mrs. Hassan's shop."

"And did Miriam have a scar between her legs, like yours?"

Safa blushed. "My father… he said that it was better and would make her a better wife. A couple months ago, she left for a few days. And when she came back, she was cut, like me. I had to help do her chores and take care of her while she recovered."

Munch nodded. "When you say your father, you mean Mr. al-Masri, your husband?"

"Yes. He told us we should always call him our father."

"And did he ever go into Miriam's room at night, like he came into yours? Was she his wife too?"

Safa blushed and looked away, and Rym reached out to reassure her. "It's okay, Safa. These men are trying to help both of you."

Safa spoke quietly. "When he first started coming to my room at night, she was happy. She told me... things I should do that he would like. How to be a good wife to him. And then he started coming more to me and she got angry. Jealous."

"And then what happened?" Rym asked.

"He said that she was not as chaste as a wife should be. And that's when he decided to bring her to make her a woman, like my mother did."

"And when she came back?"

"She didn't speak for weeks. She stayed in her room. And when she did start speaking, she wouldn't speak to me. She thought it was my fault he had that done to her. For a while, he came into my room every night. And then when he started going to her room again, I heard her screaming. And afterwards I had to wash the blood out of the sheets. She would cry every night when he would go in there."

Elliot's eyes flashed in anger and he stood up to pace around the couch. Safa noticed, and began to recoil, making herself small into the pillows.

Olivia reached over and touched her shoulder gently. "Safa, Elliot isn't angry with you. He is angry at Mr. al-Masti and how he hurt you and Miriam. El, calm down. You're scaring her."

Elliot forced a smile and sat back down next to Munch.

"I think that's enough for today. Thank you for answering our questions, Safa. Remember, you are safe here and Mr. al-Masri is not getting out of jail for a very long time."

Safa nodded, her eyes filling withh tears.

Rym ran her fingers across the girl's forehead. "Why don't you get some rest, sweetheart? I'll stay until you wake up, in case there's anything else you need."

Safa lay down and closed her eyes, and the detectives joined Olivia and Rym in the kitchen, where Olivia made more coffee.

"So we think it's a revenge attack," Munch said, biting into one of the cookies Olivia had put out. "We haven't found the guy who actually tossed the acid, but Miriam was very cagey when we talked to her. She didn't tell us about being excised like Safa, but if what Safa says is true, she definitely has motive."

Munch and Stabler left, and Rym excused herself to the restroom, where she sat down and began to cry. She was used to misogyny and knew that female genital mutilation and child marriage happened even in rural Tunisia, but this was a whole new low.

Olivia rinsed the coffee mugs and put them in the dishwasher, then went into the master bath to move the sheets into the dryer. Alex had sent a text saying she was on her way home and would pick up takeout, and Olivia replied she would ask Rym if she wanted to stay for dinner.

After a few more minutes, Olivia decided to go check on Rym, and knocked on the bathroom door.

"Just a minute," Rym called.

"Are you okay in there? Olivia asked. "Take all the time you need. I just wanted to see if you needed anything."

She heard the water running briefly, and then the door opened, and Rym emerged, her face wet and her eyes puffy.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Olivia asked gently, returning to the kitchen.

"I'm okay. Thank you," Rym replied, settling back into the bar stool.

"If it gets to be too much for you, I'm sure we'll be able to find someone else to give you a break. We appreciate everything you've done for us, but please don't feel obligated to continue if it's too upsetting. Everyone will understand."

Rym nodded. "I don't think I could abandon this girl," she said, examining her cuticles. "It's awful. And even though I know these things happen... her story probably isn't even unusual where she's from... it's heartbreaking."

Olivia nodded solemnly. "It is heartbreaking. This is one of those cases that will probably be among the worst in my career. And Safa certainly still has some challenges ahead of her, like giving birth, and figuring out whether she's keeping the baby, and recovering from a lot of trauma. But you know what? We have this great opportunity to change her life for the better. Because she's not in that abusive situation anymore. She's not being raped anymore. She's going to be able to learn English and go to school. Even if she stays in foster care, her life will be a thousand times better than the life of another girl in Yemen or Egypt. And in helping her to communicate and enabling her to name her abuser, you are giving her a wonderful gift. You're giving her a voice that she hasn't had before. And Alex and I, and our colleagues, are so grateful to you for that. And I'm sure Safa is, too."

Rym let out a sob, and shook a bit, and Olivia reached over to touch her arm in comfort.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry," she soothed, offering a tissue.

"No, it's okay, I just... thank you. I just wish I could do more."

"You are doing plenty. And we'll keep reminding you of this, but let us know if it gets to be too much. Even if you just need a break. We've been doing this for a long time; we know you haven't been."

Rym nodded.

"Alex is on her way home with Sarah and is getting takeout from the Moroccan place on Columbus. Would you like to join us for dinner?"

Rym hesitated. "I should really get back... but I did tell Safa I'd stay until after she wakes up."


	20. Chapter 20

"It's up to you. We are happy to have you if you'd like to stay, but I understand if you're ready to be done for the day."

Olivia rose as she heard Alex's key in the door, and went over to greet her. She took the takeout bag from Alex's hand and set it on the table as Alex took off her jacket and heels. And then she embraced her gently and kissed her. "Hi, sweetie," she said, as she pulled away to smile at Alex. "How was your day?"

"Fine. Mostly paperwork. Cut a deal with Langan for the Rice case over lunch, which I'm not thrilled about, but I don't want to take my chances on that one at trial. He lied to his girlfriend about having lunch with me, which was weird. That's about it. You?"

"Fine. Safa's procedure went okay, and the guys came over to talk to her. I'll give you a rundown on that later. Rym has been a tremendous help with everything."

Alex smiled. "Thank you so much for helping us communicate with Safa. We really appreciate it."

Alex went into the bedroom to change out of her work clothes, and Sarah, who had been standing awkwardly in the kitchen after Rym greeted her in Arabic, scurried off to her room as well. Olivia set out some plates and cutlery, then went to the bedroom where she found Alex pulling a shirt on, and wrapped her arms around her.

"I missed you," she said, kissing the blonde deeper this time.

"I missed you too. I was worried about Safa's procedure."

Olivia briefly recounted the doctor's visit and Munch and Stabler's visit.

"Is Rym staying for dinner?" Alex asked.

"I think so. She's having a hard time pulling herself away. I think this hits close to home for her."

Alex nodded. "Sarah has plans with Jake tonight, so she won't be home. Maybe for the best. I'd like to get to know Rym a bit, and she may not want her students knowing much about her personal life."

Alex took off her contacts and put on her glasses, and then followed Olivia back into the kitchen. Sarah breezed by them. "Bye sweetheart, have fun!" Alex called.

"Bye Alex, Olivia, Anissa Rym," she replied.

"Knock when you get back." Olivia reminded her.

"She's seeing someone," Alex explained to Rym as she opened up the takeout bags from Chez Bébère with couscous and several kinds of tajines. "I didn't know what you liked or if you ate meat, so I got a couple of different options. It should all be halal if that's your preference. Take what you want and there should be plenty of leftovers for us to eat this week. Neither of us cooks much."

Rym took a plate and scooped some couscous on it, selecting a piece of lamb. "Thank you for inviting me." She said.

"It's the least we could do. We appreciate everything you're doing for us, and we know it isn't easy to work on cases like Safa's. It's pretty heartbreaking."

Rym nodded in agreement. "I knew things like this happened, even in Tunisia. But it's not the same as seeing a real girl suffering."

"It's hard." Alex confirmed.

They sat in silence for a moment.

"Rym, tell us about how you ended up in New York." Alex requested.

"I was engaged, back in Tunisia. After I graduated high school. I was starting university, and I was supposed to get married. I couldn't go through with it. So I applied to Columbia on a whim and got a scholarship. I told my family the day before I was due to leave, and broke off the engagement."

"Wow," Alex said. "That took guts."

Rym demeured. "It was easier than being married to him would have been."

Alex nodded in understanding. "Any romantic interests in New York?"

"No," Rym said, looking uncomfortable.

"How did your family take it?"

"They were furious," Rym said. "I didn't go back to visit for 3 years, and the first time I went, he was there. I'm lucky that in Tunisia women can't be married without their consent, or who knows what might have happened." She frowned and looked over at Safa sleeping.

"Have they come to terms with it now?" Alex asked.

Rym shrugged. "It's very embarrassing to them to have a 34 year old unmarried daughter," she said. "People back home assume things. That I'm not 'worthy' of being married. As if the men they married were prizes."

Alex laughed. "Seriously. My parents used to invite their friends' sons over all the time. Cocky trustfund dudebros who were baffled at the fact that I wasn't interested and called me names when I wouldn't date them. Turns out they were right on one account- dyke was a favorite accusation. I'm much better off."

Rym rolled her eyes and shook her head. "That's not exactly... they'd be happy to date me, because they think I'm going to jump right into bed with them. Being unmarried after about 25 means people basically think I'm a whore. Because clearly the only reason I'm not married is because they assume I'm not a virgin and that nobody wants to marry me," she said bitterly.

"Rym," Olivia said gently. "That doesn't matter to most men here... unless maybe you're mostly dating Muslim men who care about that sort of thing?"

"Exactly how many of these men are virgins themselves when they get married, anyway?," Alex asked indignantly. "My guess is zero. Fucking misogynistic double standards."

Rym smiled faintly.

"You'd be right. Almost none of them. But... you misunderstand. I am a virgin," she said quietly, blushing. "In New York, I have the opposite problem. Men think I'm a freak. They think they'll be different and they'll get me into bed, and when it doesn't work..." she wiped a tear away. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... and on the other hand, you get this," she said, gesturing to Safa.

Alex pursed her lips and reached out to rest her hand on Rym's arm, and Olivia put down her fork.

"It's okay, Rym," Olivia said kindly. "Safa's suffering doesn't mean you can't have your own."

"It doesn't even matter to me anymore. The whole idea of being a virgin on my wedding night. But I waited too long, you know? Now it's like... a fetish for most men."

"The last thing you want is to sleep with someone just to have sex, and for it to be all about him taking your virginity and not at all about you and your needs," Olivia said.

Rym nodded.

"I... regret my experiences before Olivia," Alex said quietly. "My mom hammered in the 'virgin on your wedding night' thing to me, too. She was. Old, wealthy WASP family stuff. And in college, I pressured myself into things I wasn't ready for with someone I didn't love, and... it's just so much better with the right person. Don't waste your time on the wrong ones. Someone is out there for you." She smiled at Rym.

"I know. At home... it's not optional. Tunisia isn't as bad as some other countries, but honor killings are still a thing. And now I've just built it up in my mind. It can't be just anyone at any time now, you know?"

Olivia nodded. "Women attach different levels of importance and meaning to sex. Whatever it means to you - that's okay. Don't tell yourself that your feelings about it shouldn't matter or that it's ridiculous to make it out to be so important. You want a meaningful first experience. You deserve that. Honor it." Olivia said.

Rym laughed nervously. "I don't know why I told you all of this. I've never talked about any of this with my friends. I told a friend once and she told me I was looking for reasons not to have sex. Like I owed to to the guy I was dating to try it."

Olivia shook her head. "You don't owe anything to anyone. You don't need us to tell you that. Unfortunately a lot of women think it's easier to say yes than to say no, even if they don't really want to. Sometimes women having boundaries and sticking to them offends the women who don't or who can't."

"And obviously this conversation stays between us," Alex reassured her.

"Thank you," Rym whispered, wiping another tear.

"No need to thank us. This type of case tends to bring everyone's emotions bubbling to the surface," Alex said.

"Has it ever," Rym said.

"I told you when we started, this one is really hard for us too, and we've both been working on these kinds of cases for years. If it gets to be too much for you, we can give you a break. But we do appreciate all of your help." Alex said.

"Thank you. I'll be okay." Rym said. "I'll let you know if I'm not."

Alex opened her mouth to say something, then closed it. Olivia looked at her questioningly, and she shook her head.

"I should go," Rym said, looking over at Safa, still asleep on the couch. "I told her I would stay until she woke up."

"You've been here all day, Rym. You can go home. She'll understand," Olivia said, putting her hand on Rym's shoulder.

"Why don't you record a message for her on my phone, to say goodbye. I'll play it for her when she wakes up so she understands why you left," Alex suggested.

Rym recorded a message and Olivia handed her her jacket and bag. "Really, thank you for all your help today. I'm sure Safa was reassured with you there," she said.

Alex walked her to the door. She hesitated, then opened her mouth. "I realize this is none of my business," she began, her voice low, leaning out the door. Rym turned around in the hallway.

"And the only reason I'm saying this is because I was 33 before I figured it out myself, so maybe it's never occurred to you before. But your first time, it doesn't necessarily have to be with a man."

"Uh, right," Rym said, blushing, as she turned and hurried off.

Olivia and Alex cuddled for a long time in bed, skin against skin, gently stroking each other's arms.

"How are you feeling?" Alex whispered in Olivia's ear.

Olivia smiled against Alex's ear. "Really nice," she whispered. "I stopped bleeding, finally, so I'm feeling a lot better. Now it's just a bit of spotting."

"Does that mean you can..." Alex asked.

Olivia shook her head. "No. Doctor said 4-6 weeks regardless. Why, do you want anything?" She asked mischievously.

"Just this," Alex said, snuggling in. "But I've been thinking about how much you've given to me. How much you nurture me. And I feel like... I want to do the same for you, more. For so long, everything's been about me and my... baggage."

Olivia kissed her forehead. "No it hasn't. It's been about both of us, getting closer and getting to know each other, emotionally and physically. Respecting the unpleasant experiences in your past isn't 'making it about you.' You say that like it's narcissistic to accept care from me. And our relationship is at least half about you. That's how it should be." She winked.

"I just... I feel like sometimes you don't let me take care of you in the same way you've taken care of me. Like not letting me stay at the hospital with you. You never left my side when I was in the hospital."

"Alex, yours was a lot more serious than mine was."

"Liv, you're missing the point."

"Okay. What's the point?"

"The point is I love you. I want to be with you. And it's safe for you to be vulnerable with me. To need me. To let me take care of you once in a while."

Olivia nodded. "I know," she whispered, choking up.

"So when I offer to give you a massage, or... take care of you sexually, even if I don't want anything for myself... can you please... not deflect? Not try to always make it reciprocal? It doesn't always have to be."

Olivia nodded. "I'll try," she whispered. "I didn't know you felt that way."

Alex kissed her. "Liv, I love you. And I know you have a hard time opening up, and especially saying what you need. And what you want."

"You. I want you, just as you are."

"I know. But would you tell me of you wanted something particular? Support? Something sexual? Or would you decide it's not a big deal and not want to bother me?"

Olivia swallowed and closed her eyes for a minute.

"Liv..." Alex brushed her cheek.

"I'm not used to anyone taking care of me. Nobody ever really has."

"I know, sweetie. But I will. I want to. Please let me." Alex paused. "And in case you were wondering, I timed this on purpose for when you were a bit out of commission so there's not any pressure. Just think about it."

"About... telling you what I want, when I'm better?"

Alex nodded. "Liv, I don't know if you realize this but I don't think you've ever suggested something you wanted to try in bed. Like, something you want me to do for you. I might be shy sometimes but I'm not timid and fragile like I used to be."

"Lex, I know you think I have all this experience, but I promise I don't have some hidden repertoire of sexual moves I'm hiding from you."

Alex raised an eyebrow.

"When you have short relationships and one-night stands, it's not like you're trying out fancy positions."

"Fair enough. So why don't we make a date when we pull out that book we have and take a look. See what we want to try."

Olivia nodded. "Okay. Whenever you want."

"You are worthy of being taking care of. And pleasured. And loved." Alex kissed her gently. "And I love you."

"I love you too," Olivia said, and turned out the light.


	21. Chapter 21

I have something to tell you, Sarah thought, as they held hands walking back after Shakespeare in the Park. Or, Can we talk about something? Or maybe, I need to tell you something. Before we go any further, I need to tell you something. Yeah, that was good. She sighed.

They walked, and as they got closer to the 80s, Sarah was going to have to make a decision. Am I going back with him, or back to Alex's?

"You're coming back with me, right?" Jake asked, as they got nearer. "My roommate is gone this weekend. We can watch something on Netflix and get takeout." He turned to her, took her other hand, and swung their hands outward and back in.

Sarah looked down to the side. "I shouldn't get back too late," she explained, looking down and to the side. "And I was up early this morning…"

"I'll walk you home after we watch a movie," Jake offered. "It's only a few blocks. If we go back now you'll be back before 11."

Sarah looked at him and smiled. "Okay. I'd like that."

"Are you okay? You've been awfully quiet," he said.

"Mhm? Yeah, I'm fine. Just thinking about work," she explained. "I can't really talk about it."

"Oh, okay," he said. "As long as nothing's wrong."

They returned to Jake's apartment, takeout in hand, and put the bag on the table, then wrapped his arms around her. "I missed you this week," he said, smelling her hair.

Sarah leaned in and put her head on his shoulder. "Me too," she said. Her heart fluttered. Was this nerves, or anxiety, or excitement? She wondered.

They sat down to eat, and then went over to sit on the couch, and Jake wrapped his arm around her again.

"So what are we going to watch?" Sarah asked, reaching for the tablet on the coffee table.

"You want to watch something?" Jake asked.

"I thought that was the plan," Sarah said.

"Well, it was," Jake conceded. "But, I thought —" he leaned over to kiss her "— maybe we could get to know each other better."

Sarah smiled and leaned on his shoulder.

"What do you want to know?" She asked coyly.

He put his hands on her waist, slipping them under her shirt, and kissed her again. Then, he looked up at her and grinned.

Sarah squirmed. Did he know he was touching scars? Would he be grossed out when he saw? I need to tell you something. Can we talk about something? Just open your mouth and say it, Sarah. You can do it.

"Uh, okay," she heard herself saying.

He kissed her, sticking his togue awkwardly in her mouth. She kissed back, and then awkwardly pulled away, not sure what to do.

She put her hands around his neck, to steady herself, leaning an elbow against the back if the couch.

This felt nice. Was this nice?

He stroked her stomach, and ran her hands up to her ribs. Her breath caught, and she stopped.

He looked at her, and reached around, fumbling with her bra clasp. She stiffened.

After what seemed like forever, he finally got it, releasing the clasp, and bringing his hands to her breasts. Sarah shuddered a bit at the touch.

"Ooh," he moaned. Jake leaned in to kiss her neck, and Sarah felt her heart flutter more. Too sensitive. Tell him... am I... is this what it feels like to be turned on? It's too intense. Tell him...

All of a sudden, Jake was leaning in to her, trying to grind against her. She felt his hand go for the zipper of her jeans, and grabbed it.

"Not yet," she managed to sputter.

He pulled back, disappointed, as she manuvered herself, legs together, to avoid more grinding.

"You feel so good," he whispered in her ear, his eyes almost closed. "Touch me, baby." He pulled down the zipper of his shorts with one hand, keeping the other firmly planted on her chest, then let go briefly to wiggle out of them, leaving them on the floor, so he was just in his boxers.

"Touch me," he whispered, bringing one of Sarah's hands down to his crotch. "That feels so good." His breath was hot on her neck.

Breathe. Remember where you are. I like this. I can stop at any time. I think. Oh my God, my hand is on his dick. Now what?

She tried to pull her hand back and he held he wrist in place. "Please baby. You make me so hot. Touch me."

Without looking, Sarah touched, gingerly, tentatively.

"Aw that's it, just like that," he encouraged, pressing himself into her hand. He reached back up to stroke her chest.

Sarah felt her heart racing and her chest tighten as he pressed his mouth to hers.

This is okay. This is okay. She squeezed and released.

"Aw, yaas," Jake said, his eyes rolling back in his head.

He likes it. I'm doing fine. I don't know what I'm doing.

She squeezed and pushed down the shaft. Twice. Three times.

If I want this to be over, maybe the quickest way is to... do I want this to be over? Are we supposed to see each other again this weekend? If I do this now will I have to do it every time? Is he going to... in my hand?

I wonder if... at least this is all he wants right now.

"Sarah, your mouth," she heard, as Jake pulled away from kissing her and pushed on the back of her head with one hand.

Sarah shook her head and pulled back, increasing the speed of... what exactly was she doing? She had no clue how to... squeezing and pushing seemed to be working.

After another few times Jake stopped, burying his face in her neck. "Agh," he cried, and Sarah felt something sticky on her hand. She wrinkled her nose, and gently pulled her hand away, wiping it on the side of his boxers.

"That was so good," he said, kissing her with a wet, open mouth. "Did you like that?"

"Yeah," she answered, reaching back to reclasp her bra.

"You wanna stay?" He asked, running a finger down the side of her face. "I can do something for you later..." he said, winking.

Sarah turned away. "I should get back. It's late and I don't want Alex and Olivia to worry."

Jake pulled on his shorts. "Okay. I'll walk you home."

They walked the six blocks back to the apartment in relative silence, holding hands. Sarah looked anywhere but at Jake, still trying to force herself to say something.

Maybe I don't need to say anything. Maybe we'll just... do that a bunch of times, and I'll get used to it, and it'll be fine. Don't be an idiot, Sarah. Of course he's going to want more and you're not very good at telling him to take it slow.

"Here we are," Jake said, stopping in front of the building. "Everything okay? You're awfully quiet."

"Everything's fine. Just tired," she said, yawning.

"I had a nice time," he said. "Are you around this weekend? My roommate won't be back ."

"I'll have to see if Alex needs me to help with Safa. We can't really leave her alone," she explained.

"Okay. Well, let me know. I can always come over here."

Sarah nodded. "Goodnight, Jake."

"Goodnight."

The night doorman let her in, and Sarah paused in the entryway, around the corner from the front entrance, to lean against the wall. I don't even know what I feel right now, she thought, tears welling up in her eyes.

She pressed the button for the penthouse apartment and checked her makeup in the mirror. Nothing was running. Good.

It was after midnight, so she opened the door as quietly as possible and slipped off her shoes, and tiptoed towards her room.

"Hi sweetie," Olivia said, her voice low.

A light was on in the living room, where Olivia was curled up in her pajamas, reading glasses on, book in hand.

"Hi," Sarah said, not sure what to do.

"Did you have fun with Jake?"

"You're awake," Sarah said, almost at the same time.

Olivia held up her book, The Signature of All Things by Elizabeth Gilbert. "I've got about 75 pages left and I didn't want to put it down. I'm starting to run put of steam, though. Alex is out with a friend who's visiting from out of town." She put a bookmark in the book and placed it on the side table, with her reading glasses on top. "How was your date?"

"Fine," Sarah said, biting her lip. Olivia raised an eyebrow, and waited.

Sarah sank into the couch, and looked at the floor.

"I don't know," she said, finally.

"You don't know?" Olivia asked gently.

Sarah wrapped her arms around herself and started to cry.

Olivia went to sit next to her, and Sarah leaned in, crying into Olivia's shoulder, and Olivia wrapped her arms loosely around the girl.

When Sarah had finished crying, Olivia rubbed her back. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Sarah shook her head.

"Okay," Olivia said. She stayed quiet.

"I couldn't figure out how to tell him," she said finally, pulling away from Olivia. "I wanted to, but I couldn't. And I don't think he'd even understand."

"Sarah, there's only one way he could possibly understand," Olivia said. "So he probably won't. That doesn't mean he won't have empathy."

She paused.

"What do you think he'll say?"

Sarah shrugged. "I don't even know. I'm afraid he'll think I'm disgusting. Or that I'm not worth the trouble. Or that he won't believe me."

"And would those be problems with you, or with him?"

"Him," she admitted.

"Sarah, can you try something for me? Put your feet on the floor, and close your eyes. Okay, good. Are you comfortable?"

Sarah nodded.

"Okay. I want you to think about what happened tonight. Really feel it. Okay?"

Sarah sniffled and nodded.

"Do you know what you're feeling right now?"

"Vulnerable, and a little shame, and some resentment."

"Okay. You don't have to tell me, just think about what happened. Where do you feel it in your body?"

"Right here," she said, placing a hand on her solar plexus. "It feels like I've been punched in the gut."

"And now think about telling him your story. Sharing painful secrets with him. Where do you feel that in your body?"

"My chest tightens, and my throat closes up," Sarah said.

"Good. Okay, the first thing I want you to do is rub your hands together, like this." Olivia demonstrated by pressing her palms together in front of her body and rubbing quickly about 10 times.

Sarah copied her. "Now keep your eyes closed, and keep feeling those feelings. And I want you to take your hands, and start pulling them out of your body, like it's rope." She watched as Sarah started to pull from her chest. "Keep pulling and pulling, and dump it all put on the floor," she said softly. "That's it. Keep going," she encouraged. "It can take a while. Keep going until you've gotten as much out as you can."

When Sarah slowed down pulling, Olivia spoke again.

"Now let's pick it up off the floor, and we're going to roll it up into a little ball. Good. Now throw it up high in the air, and it will float up to the sky. And now, close your eyes again, and imagine there's a white light coming down from the sky, through the top of your head, and down your spine. And that light is filling up all of the empty space from everything you just pulled out. And now the light is surrounding you, in a bubble, protecting you, and you are safe."

She stopped, and after a few moments, Sarah opened her eyes, and sighed.

"How do you feel?" Olivia asked.

"Better," Sarah admitted. "I can't really pinpoint what he did wrong. Or if he even did anything wrong. I mean, I think he was acting... normal. It's just me that isn't normal."

"Sarah, what you're going through is normal. I don't think 20-something men are known for being the most selfless and patient of lovers."

Alex, who had come in quietly a few minutes before, sat down on Sarah’s other side and put a hand on her shoulder. "Sweetie, even if you have the most sensitive and thoughtful partner in the world, it's still really fucking hard. As someone whose partner had 12 years of professional experience working with rape victims, I can say, nothing makes it easy."

"Sex requires vulnerability, and it's hard to be vulnerable after trauma like you've gone through," Olivia added. "Maybe if you're not ready to be vulnerable, you might not be ready for sex. If you aren't ready to talk about it with him yet, that might be a sign you're not ready. And that's okay."

"You might not want to hear this, but the responsibility for fixing what's in here..." Alex tapped her own chest, "is yours. Nobody else can fix that for you. Not Jake. Not either of us. Not even a therapist if you don't do the work."

Sarah nodded and leaned back on the couch cushions.

"I need to speak up," Sarah concluded. "I need to tell him."

"You need to be where you are," Alex said. "Even if where you are isn't where you want to be. Sex isn't a milestone that's going to heal you, or show that you're done healing. Healing is an ongoing process, sex or not. It won't be done with one talk, or the first time you have sex."

"Sarah, think a bit about what you want to say to him and how you want the conversation to feel," Olivia said. "If you want, you can practice what you want to say with one of us first. Does that sound like a good idea?"

Sarah nodded.

"It's late, and it's been a long day. Let's get some sleep," Alex suggested.

Sarah nodded again. "I'll get up in a few minutes. Good night."

Once the door to their bedroom was closed, Olivia and Alex embraced. "How's Abbie?" Olivia asked.

"She's okay. She broke up with Serena, and she's in town because she might be moving back to New York. She's interviewing with the AG's office."

"It would be nice to have her back here," Olivia said. “Too bad about Serena. Did she tell you what happened?”

"Not really. She didn’t want to talk about it, so I didn’t push her. What happened with Sarah?" Alex asked, slipping off her jeans.

"I don't know. I didn't ask. She just came home from her date upset. I'm guessing he made a move on her. He's a 20-something year old man, so I assume he spends most of his energy thinking about sex and about how he's going to get his girlfriend to sleep with him."

Alex laughed and pointed her finger up at Olivia. "Well, I'm a 36 year old woman and I know that's what I spend my energy thinking about. How much longer again?"

Olivia raised an eyebrow. "Alex, are you drunk?" she asked wryly, smiling.

Alex pointed emphatically. "No. I'm NOT drunk. I just… had a couple of margaritas. And ooh! I got you a present. Well, us a present. Because I was thinking about how I said I wanted to try new things, and, well..." She reached for her purse and pulled out a purple bag.

"Where did Abbie take you?" Olivia asked, laughing.

Alex pointed again. "I'll have you know, I did this all by myself. And completely sober. I got there early, and Abbie was running late as usual." She looked in the bag, and then blushed and handed it to Olivia, who raised an eyebrow, looked at Alex, and then peered inside, and pulled out the objects. A pink stone wand, about 6 inches long, and a larger one, made of glass, with what Olivia could only assume was a harness.

Olivia looked at Alex, waiting for an explanation.

"That's rose quartz. It's supposed to have magical properties like promoting tenderness and healing and sensual imagination, or something, by releasing blocked emotions. That's what the sign said."

"A magical vagina wand. Sounds legit. And this?"

Alex blushed, and shrugged. "Well, you like penises sometimes, right? So, I thought you might like it. All the benefits - well, almost all the benefits of an actual penis - well, actually, I guess it depends on whether you consider semen a feature or a bug - except, attached to me. Or to you. Whichever. I mean, I know we can't use it right away… I assume that once you're back in the saddle, so to speak, you still won't be able to use that for a while, but I thought, I better get it while I have the nerve. Okay, I'll stop rambling now."

Olivia laughed. "So, you want to use this on me?" she asked.

"Maybe? If you want me to?" Alex said.

"We can try," Olivia said, kissing her. She had not failed to notice that Alex had stayed in a tank top and panties after getting undressed. "I've appreciated certain penises in the past and the men they were attached to, but I certainly don't miss them when I'm with you. I think I would like to see you in this very much, though." She nibbled Alex's neck. "Do you want to try this one?" she asked, holding up the rose quartz.

"Now?" Alex asked.

Olivia rinsed it with soap and water in the sink, and patted it dry on a towel. She raised a shoulder. "Why not?" She asked, kissing Alex's neck again. "I'll just put it right here."

She took off her own shirt to get the full feel of Alex's skin against hers as they kissed, and Olivia ran her fingers up and down Alex's sides.

"Mouth?" she whispered in Alex's ear, and Alex nodded; then, Olivia kissed a trail from her neck down between her legs, where she kissed gently and teased Alex with her tongue. After kissing and testing Alex's entrance, she reached for the wand, and touched the tip to Alex. She half-expected Alex to pull back, to stiffen, when the wand probed her, but to her surprise, Alex seemed to push her hips forward, and Olivia slipped it in easily. She moved slowly, in and out, and Alex moaned softly.

She went back up, leaning over Alex on her elbows. Alex's mouth was slightly open, her brow furrowed, and her eyes closed.

"Look at me, baby," Olivia whispered, continuing to manouver.

Alex opened her eyes and pulled Olivia down on top of her, pressing their chests together. Occasionally, Olivia would pause to rub her thumb over Alex's clit, and the blonde would shudder.

"You're so beautiful like this," Olivia whispered, rubbing her clit a bit harder. "So tell me, sweetie, are there any magic words?"

Alex looked up at the twinkle in Olivia's eye and began to laugh, and Olivia began to laugh along with her. She pressed down again, and Alex let go, laughing until she nearly cried as her orgasm rolled through her. When she was done, she held in the wand and pulled up her panties, and clung to Olivia, who kissed her forehead.

"Thank you. I love you," Alex whispered.

"I love you too," Olivia replied. "You have come so far. I'm so proud of you."

Alex blushed. "I've had some pretty epic motivation. And I couldn't have done any of it without you."

"Yeah, but look at you! It wasn't so long ago that you couldn't say the word orgasm, and now you're going to sex shops to buy strap-ons and magical vagina wands, on your own!"

Alex chuckled. "I just… I finally feel safe. And I don't want to hide anymore."


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This (and the next) chapter are my favorite so far. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do. 💕

Grant picked up his leather folder containing his legal pad as he scurried out of the courtroom, following Alex.

"Wow," he said as they exited the courtroom. "That was brilliant, Ms. Cabot. How did you know he was going to say that in front of the judge?"

"Grant, for the last time, please call me Alex. "And thank you. I'm quite pleased with how that turned out. I didn't know he was going to go after Petrovsky, but he just made my job that much easier. And thank you for your help with the prep."

"Of course. What do you want me to work on next?" Grant asked.

"Well, let's go talk to Casey to see how she's doing with research on the cop case. I'm ready for tomorrow's arraignment, a domestic violence case. We're starting to move those over to SVU and work with the police to prosecute these cases better. So what brings you to SVU?" Alex asked, her heels clicking on the marble floor of the courthouse as she walked.

Grant shrugged. "I thought it was a department where I could have a lot of impact."

Alex nodded. "And? How do you feel about it so far?"

"I really enjoy working with the team. And I like the detectives. Like, Fin? He's cool."

Alex studied him for a moment out of the corner of her eye, in the elevator. "They're good people," she agreed. "I've been working with them for a long time."

"Excuse me, sorry," a man said, knocking into Grant accidentally with his briefcase as he went to get off the elevator. Alex noticed as Grant winced and put his hand to his ribcage, then look to see if she had noticed. She feigned ignorance.

"One of the things we're going to have to work on this week is testimony for a parole hearing," she said, stepping off the elevator on her floor. "One of my first SVU cases was a serial rapist named Damian Harding. He raped 7 young women behind nightclubs in Chelsea between 1998 and 2001. He plead down to sexual assault charges because we didn't have DNA, and I wasn't sure we'd be able to get any of the victims to testify because they were still terrified. Now he's up for parole. He's one of Langan's clients."

"What do we need to do?" Grant asked.

Alex got out the key to her office. "Munch and Fin worked that case. We're going to have to talk to them, and contact the victims to see if any of them want to make a statement at his parole hearing. I'll call each of them myself, but I'll ask you to go over the case files to help me refresh my memory on some of the details. One of the worst things we can do in SVU is to make careless mistakes when we're dealing with the victims. It's important they feel heard and that we're doing our best to get justice for them. Women who come forward after violent crimes are constantly second-guessed and retraumatized. We never sugarcoat, but we have to be very compassionate with how we approach these cases."

Grant nodded.

"I texted Cragen as we were finishing up in court, and Munch and Fin are both in the precinct. Why don't you take a walk over there, talk to them about the case and get some detailed notes, and then bring back the case file for us to go over together? Can you take care of that for me?"

"Absolutely. Thank you," he said, picking up his jacket and briefcase.

Alex sat down at her desk and pulled out her laptop, and her phone pinged. Turn on the news, Olivia had texted her.

She texted back, and opened the word document with her witness prep on it, and began scanning for her Harding's victims names and phone numbers. She had just hung up from calling victim number 4, the latest victim to refuse to attend the parole hearing, and sighed, when the phone rang. It was Liz.

"Cabot," she answered.

"Hi honey. How are you?" she asked.

Alex sighed. "Fine. I'm calling some victims for a parole hearing and none of them wants to come testify. I don't blame them, but this guy is going to get out if I can't get anyone to come."

"Oh," Liz said. "Anything else going on? Have you been watching the news?"

"No," she said. "Liv texted me to tell me to turn it on, but I have to make these phone calls first. Why? What's going on?"

"Nothing to worry about," Liz said. "I'll send you a link. Just wanted to check up on you. My recess is almost over — got to get back."

"OK, bye Liz."

"Love you," Liz said, hanging up.

Alex looked at her phone. That was odd. She couldn't think of the last time Liz had called her, in the middle of the day, just to ask her how she was. And to tell her to check the news. She shook her head and went back to her phone calls.

A while later, she was writing on her legal pad when there was a knock on the door. "Come in," she said, without looking up.

Olivia entered, wearing a different shirt than what she had been wearing that morning. That could be explained, but her nervousness couldn't.

"Hi," Alex said, smiling and putting down her pen.

Olivia closed the door behind her without saying a word, and pulled on the blinds on Alex's window to close them.

"Hi," Olivia said, her nervous smile erupting into a grin.

Alex smiled back and folded her manicured hands on the desk. She waited.

"Are you going to tell me why you're here? Who's with Safa?" She asked.

"Rym's with her. Did you hear?"

"Hear what?"

"I told you to turn on the news."

"Oh! I had to make some phone calls and I forgot. What's up? Can you just tell me?"

Olivia huffed and went around to Alex's side of the desk, standing next to her, opened Alex's laptop, then opened Chrome, which brought her to the front page of the New York Times.

Alex put her hand over her mouth.

_Breaking: New York State Legislature Legalizes Same-Sex Marriage._

Her eyes fixed on the screen, she stood up to hug Olivia, and turned to see Olivia kneeling down, fumbling in her pocket.

Alex started to tear up. "Liv..."

Olivia pulled the box out of her pocket and wobbled as she looked up and opened it, then steadying herself on Alex's desk.

She swallowed hard. "Alexandra Cabot, before I met you, I didn't think it was possible to love someone as much as I love you, and I certainly didn't think it was possible for anyone to truly love me." Olivia paused and cleared her throat, trying not to cry. "You see me for who I really am, and you're the only person I've ever imagined spending my life with. Will you marry me?"

Alex's eyes widened and immediately filled with tears, and she stared at Olivia for a moment before she was able to respond.

"Alex?" Olivia asked, getting nervous at she stared.

Alex snapped out of it, jumped up and pulled Olivia up with her, and put her arms around her. "Yes! Of course I'll marry you, Olivia. Nothing would make me happier," she said eagerly, tears streaming down her cheeks.

Olivia breathed a sigh of relief and broke into a wide grin, fumbling as she pulled the ring out of its box and took Alex's hand. "Lex, when we're together, I feel like everything makes sense. I feel like I'm at home."

Alex rested her left hand on Olivia's chest and wrapped the other around her waist, then kissed her deeply for a long moment. She pressed their foreheads together and looked into her lover's eyes. "Liv, I... I don't know what to say."

Olivia smirked. "So, Alexandra Cabot is speechless?"

Alex laughed. "Olivia, in all seriousness, I would not be where I am today without your support, and your patience, and your love."

"You sound like you're accepting an Oscar."

Alex looked at her pointedly, as if to say, this is not the time for self-deprecation. "I am accepting the biggest honor of my life," she said seriously, looking straight into Olivia's eyes.

Now it was Olivia's turn to cry, and Alex kissed her softly and held her.

"I love you, Olivia," Alex whispered, stroking her cheek.

Olivia sniffled. "I was going to do something more romantic, but I decided I couldn't wait," she said.

"This was perfect." Alex said. "Wait — is that why Liz called me earlier? Does she know?"

Olivia looked sheepish. "I may have needed some help planning..."

Alex looked around. "Planning what? Oh God, there aren't people outside, are there?"

Olivia shook her head, and smiled mischievously. "Well, I may have already arranged a few things."

"Like what…?" Alex asked slowly.

"Well," Olivia explained, kissing her. "If there's one thing I know about you, it's that you LOVE to be first. So I asked Liz to help… coordinate, and I knew she'd need to do it as soon as the legislature voted."

"Do what?"

"Schedule our wedding. , in the Manhattan District Court. The first day same-sex marriages are allowed in New York. You'll be first. With Liz officiating."

Alex's jaw dropped.

"Of course, if that's not what you want, Liz can cancel it and we'll set a date when you're ready. But I knew we'd have to jump on it to get a chance at being first."

"This means we have less than 30 days to plan our wedding."

Olivia looked at her watch. "It means we have 29 days, 9 hours, and 32 minutes."

"I don't think any Cabot has ever planned a wedding in less than a year."

"You could be the first…" Olivia said, laughing. "Do you want me to call Liz and tell her to cancel?"

"No! It's just… we have to get started. Like, yesterday."

"Actually, I've already started," Olivia admitted. "I knew the vote was scheduled for today. I put a deposit on renting out the Relais de l'Entrecôte on Sunday. We can decide whether we're doing lunch or dinner. I called your brother and your father. We've got a cake tasting scheduled tomorrow. So really, we just need to officially invite everyone and pick out something to wear."

"Wow, you must have been pretty sure I'd say yes," Alex said.

Olivia smiled. "I thought you might."

Alex looked down to admire the ring on her finger. "Liv, this is so beautiful. It's perfect."

"I knew you wouldn't want anything flashy and ostentatious." Olivia replied. "I thought it was perfect for you. And it matches the blue of your eyes."

"I love you, Olivia. I'm so lucky you chose me." Alex leaned onto Olivia's chest.

"I love you too. And if I recall correctly, you chose me. And I choose you every day." She kissed Alex's forehead. "Now, it's almost 3. I think we should take off, go home and celebrate, and then work on our guest list over some takeout. What do you think?"

Alex packed up her stuff and Olivia took her bag, then opened the door, to see a small group had gathered: Liz, Alex's secretary Helen, Casey, and a few others lingering or hanging out of their offices to see what was going on. Olivia took a bouquet of tulips off of Helen's desk and handed them to Alex.

Liz smiled. "Are congratulations in order?" she asked, holding out her arms.

Alex hugged her, and nodded, still a little teary, as Liz, Helen, and the others began to clap.

"I thought about planning something more romantic, but I know Alex is impatient and I didn't want to make her wait," Olivia explained, winking.

Alex hit her arm gently and laughed with their friends.

"Alright, let's see," she said, holding out her hand to take Alex's. Alex displayed her hand with the tasteful ring: white gold with a sapphire oval, flanked by diamonds. She pushed out her lower lip and nodded in approval. "You did good, Benson," she said. "Congratulations to you both." She leaned in to hug a surprised Olivia as well.

Holding hands as they exited the DA's office, they got in a cab to take them to the Upper West Side.

"I called Dr. Logan," Olivia said casually, and Alex smiled.

"And?"

"She said as long as I take it easy and I don't feel any pain... I'm cleared. No penetration yet, though." Olivia said in her ear.

"Mhm, I've been wanting to take care of you," Alex replied, murmuring back in Olivia's. "Make love for the first time to my fiancée. I wonder what I'll do first..."

"I don't think you're going to even have to touch me," Olivia joked. "It's not going to take much, that's for sure."

When they arrived, they headed straight for the bedroom, lips locked together as they fumbled with buttons and zippers. "Tell me what you want," Alex whispered in Olivia's ear.

"I want your mouth," she replied, blushing. Alex smiled. Olivia had never specifically requested that before.

Alex took her time kissing her way down Olivia's body, and down her thighs, settling between Olivia's legs. She blew gently on Olivia's clit and teased her entrance with a featherlight touch.

"Alex, please…"

"Please what? I'm admiring the view. Are you feeling okay? I'm taking it easy."

"Lex, I might die if you don't touch me soon. It's been almost a month."

"Hm, that sounds like a long time. I better be very thorough," Alex said, smiling. She licked slowly through Olivia's folds, and circled slowly around her clit. "You are delicious," she whispered, pressing another kiss to Olivia's thigh.

Olivia groaned.

She used her thumb to gather wetness at Olivia's entrance and rub it around, gently, then pressed her tongue flat against her, swiping up with broad strokes.

"And you are so sweet, and kind, and generous, and thoughtful."

Circle.

"I am so, so, so lucky to be with you and to be marrying you."

Kiss.

"You have helped me to grow and to heal. You make me feel safe and loved."

Stroke.

"You are a better lover than I ever could have imagined and I love making love with you."

Circle.

"Olivia, you are my best friend, the best person I know, and my hero, and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you."

Olivia held her hand tightly as Alex sucked on her clit, stroking with her tongue as Olivia orgasmed.

"Alex, Alex," she cried, pulling Alex up on top of her. It was then that Alex noticed she was sobbing, and Alex held her and kissed her, murmuring soft words of comfort, until Olivia was calm again.


	23. Chapter 23

When Olivia stopped crying, Alex kissed her gently and wiped away her tears, smiling at her. Olivia closed her eyes and breathed deeply, and Alex took her hand and kissed it.

"That was a pretty powerful release," Alex said softly, stroking Olivia's face and collarbone with her fingers.

"Mmm," Olivia replied, turning away.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Alex asked.

"Lex, I..." Olivia started to tear up again.

"Shhh, love, it's okay. You're okay," Alex soothed.

"I... what you said, did you..." she swallowed.

Alex searched her eyes. "Did I mean it? Of course I did, Olivia. Every word, and more." She paused. "Why do you find that so hard to believe?"

Olivia shrugged and looked away. "I was the worst thing to happen to my own mother. So it's hard to imagine being the best thing that happened to anyone."

"I'm so sorry she made you feel that way," Alex said. "Being raped was the worst thing that ever happened to her?"

"And I was the constant reminder. The reason she couldn't forget."

Alex held Olivia close.

"You came back into my life when… I don't know. I guess I've been afraid you'd have the same association she did."

"That I'd always think of… that, when I thought of you?"

Olivia shrugged, and looked away. "Lex, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring this up and ruin our celebration."

"Olivia, sweetie, you're not ruining anything. And this is important." Alex kissed her, and gently turned Olivia's face back to look at her. On their sides, she pressed her forehead to Olivia's and rubbed her back. "Your mom may not have been able to forget, but she could have chosen to heal," she said gently. "I don't forget what happened to me. I remember every single day. I acknowledge it every time we make love, by choosing to focus instead on the beautiful way we connect with each other. You were not the reminder. The scapegoat, perhaps." Alex kissed Olivia's cheek. "Olivia, she could have chosen to look at that beautiful little girl and decided to be better. Maybe that was too hard for her. And maybe - I'm betting - she didn't have the support or the resources that would have made it easier. Things weren't the same then. And some people identify so strongly with their trauma that they don't know who they are as people or who they would be if they healed."

"And I wasn't worth it to her, for her to try to heal. She just wanted to resent me. If my mother... if she thought I was worth it, I wouldn't even remember her like that. Scapegoat is right. She wanted to blame me for her inability to heal."

"Olivia, maybe she thought that you were worth it, but she didn't believe that she was worth it. You know how much rape victims struggle with self-worth." She paused. "You know how much I've struggled with self-worth," she whispered.

"I know. But even if it had taken 10 years, or 12... she never had sex again after she was raped, you know," Olivia said. "She just..."

"She must have been in so much pain," Alex empathized. "She couldn't allow anyone to love her. She couldn't love herself. She couldn't love you. And she made her pain yours."

Olivia nodded. "I know all this. It's not like I don't have empathy for my mother, the rape victim."

"I know," Alex said. "And I know you also can't help how you felt as a little girl. But you were never unlovable or unworthy. There has never been anything wrong with you. It's just that your mom didn't have the tools to learn to love you through her pain."

"And when I see... you've been recovering for 3 years, and look how far you've come."

"Olivia," Alex whispered. "Every woman's recovery is different. You know that. You can't compare me now with her then."

Alex held Olivia's hand and kissed her gently, then ran her fingers through Olivia's hair for a few moments.

"Liv, do you have any idea how much I've spent on therapy since being raped?"

Olivia shook her head. "Isn't it covered by insurance? I've only ever gone when it's been required by the department, so I have no clue."

Alex chuckled. "No, it's not covered. She doesn't take insurance, and I think our policy covers like 5, or maybe 8 sessions a year." She paused. "My therapist costs $300 per hour. Now multiply that by two 90 minute sessions a week, say 50 weeks a year, for 3 years."

She watched as Olivia did the math.

"It's probably close to $135,000, and I think it's been worth every penny. I've invested a lot of money in having sex with you," Alex winked, and Olivia smiled faintly. "I also know that I am very, very privileged to have that kind of money to spend on therapy. The amount I pay her in one year is more than most people's salaries, and that's not including any other healing and therapies I've done. It's nearly as much as our salaries. Most people don't have those kind of resources. I'm sure your mother didn't."

"No, she definitely didn't. I don't think she ever got therapy. It wasn't a thing people did then," Olivia said.

"Victims' Services wasn't created until the mid 80s. And even rape crisis centers were a feminist invention in the late 70s, after you were born. And I'm well aware that if I didn't have my own resources… if I had student loans, or was a single mom like your mom was, I would have taken the 5 counselling sessions covered by insurance - assuming I could afford the copay - and maybe gone to some support group meetings. I don't think I would be in anywhere near the same place today. Do you?"

Olivia shook her head.

"Olivia, I'm so sorry you didn't get the mother you deserved," Alex continued. "That you didn't feel loved. And that maybe she wasn't capable of loving you the way you needed. But I have never met anyone else as kind and as loving as you. I see it every day at work. I see it with Safa, and with Sarah. And of course I am so lucky to experience it myself. My memories of what happened are a bit fuzzy now, but I am so grateful that I called you that night, and that you came."

"I'm glad you called me too," Olivia said, kissing Alex.

Alex smiled. "I hate how your mom made you feel, but, Liv, that story has made you into the wonderful, compassionate, sensitive woman you've become. And there's not a single thing about you that I would change. It will be an honour to be your wife."

Olivia teared up again, and Alex kissed her.

"Olivia, I love you for who you are. You don't need to do anything or be anything else. You don't need to redeem yourself because of what your sperm donor did, or for anything your mother did. You don't have to earn love - mine or anyone else's." Alex kissed her again and squeezed her hand. "And Liv, one thing - the pain you feel doesn't make you who you are. If at some point, you want to choose to let go of it, and to forgive, I will help you and support you. And you will still be the person that I love. It's not easy, but it's worth it."

She kissed Olivia again, and brought her fingers up to the side of Olivia's breast, stroking gently.

Olivia began to kiss Alex, and tried to roll on top of her, but Alex stopped her. "Sweetie, this is still your turn," she murmured.

Olivia shook her head. "This is about both of us, together."

"Then let's do this way," she suggested, sitting up and pulling Olivia into her arms. "Together." They embraced, lips locked, and Alex took Olivia's hands in hers, folding their four hands together between them as they kissed. Then, unclasping her left hand, Alex brushed Olivia's hair away from her eyes, and placed her hand on her cheek, so she could lean forward and kiss the tears away.

"Olivia," she said when she finished, "You may believe that you were the worst thing to come from your mother's rape, but you were the best thing to come from mine."

When they finished making love a second time, Alex leaned into Olivia's arms, and Olivia laid down, bringing Alex with her. She grinned shyly.

"You said yes," she whispered.

"Of course I said yes," Alex answered. "Now I just have to, like, plan a whole wedding in 29 days."

"I don't think I've ever been this happy before."

"Me either," Alex said, smiling. "You did good, Liv."

After a few moments, Alex shifted, and looked at the clock on the side table. "I'm actually supposed to go to therapy soon."

"At 6?"

Alex nodded. "Want to walk there with me?"

Olivia kissed her forehead. "We can't just stay here?" she whispered.

Alex smiled, then raised her eyebrows, looking pointedly at Olivia, who kissed her on the lips and then rolled over to get her pants off the floor. She admired Alex from behind as she walked over to the dresser to pull out jeans and a short-sleeve blouse. Alex buttoned her blouse and held her left hand out in front of her, admiring the ring.

They held hands as they walked down Broadway, ten blocks to Dr. March's office.

"So, um, this $45,000-a-year therapy," Olivia asked as they approached the office. "What… um, what exactly do you talk about? If you don't mind me asking…"

Alex stopped, and turned to Olivia, studying her face, and Olivia lowered her gaze, retreating.

"I'm sorry. I know it's private, and…" she backtracked.

"Liv," Alex said gently, meeting her eyes. "Sweetie, I don't betray your trust in me," she said softly. "Is that what you're asking?"

Olivia shrugged a shoulder and turned away. "I didn't mean that you would, I just…"

"Liv, everything you tell me in confidence I keep private. The things we talked about today, for example, I'd never share, even in therapy. I take that very seriously. And I certainly don't talk about the intimate details of our relationship. Those stay between us."

"I know," Olivia said, choking up. "Sorry, I'm just a bit…"

"You don't have to apologise, Liv." Alex squeezed her hand. "I've talked a lot about my previous relationships, and what I don't want. And we do some healing and forgiveness on those things And then we talk about what I do want, with you, and from life in general, and how I can create those things. Usually if it's something about our… sex life… she gives me journaling prompts so I can process it on my own before we talk about it. The details are usually irrelevant anyway."

Olivia squeezed Alex's hand back. "Lex, I want you to know that I think you're really brave."

Alex shook her head. "Liv, I just made a decision that I didn't want to be in pain anymore. And I want to be happy with you more than I wanted to be the victim."

Alex poured herself a cup of tea in the waiting room, and offered one to Olivia. "I told Dr. March that I wanted a plaque with my name on it on the new espresso machine for my contribution," she joked as she passed Olivia a coffee. "Do you want to stay and come in with me?" she asked, sitting down. She took Olivia's left hand with her right as she sipped her tea.

"Do you want me to?" Olivia asked.

"I would like it, if you feel comfortable," Alex said. "I'm going to invite her, I think. And I suppose I'll spend most of the appointment talking about today," she continued, smiling.

"What happened today?" asked Dr. March, arriving in the waiting room.

Alex stood up to extend her hand, smiling widely. "Hello, Dr. Caroline," she said.

"Nice to see you, Alex. And you, Detective. I'm glad to see you are feeling better."

Olivia stood up and shook her hand as well. "Thank you, Dr. March."

"Are you joining us today?" she asked, looking at Alex and then at Olivia. Alex looked at Olivia, who nodded. "Excellent."

Olivia followed Alex back to the office, where Alex sat on the loveseat and motioned for Olivia to sit down next to her, taking her hand.

"How are you today, Alex?" Dr. March asked, sitting down in her chair.

Alex glanced at Olivia, and smiled, holding out her hand. "Olivia asked me to marry her,", she said, emotion welling up in her chest.

"Congratulations," Dr. March said warmly, leaning forward and adjusting her glasses to admire the ring. "It's beautiful. When did this happen?"

"This afternoon. The New York State Legislature approved same-sex marriage this morning," she explained. "Olivia came to surprise me in my office after lunch. I was in court this morning and I didn't know…" she started to sniffle. "It was perfect."

"I had something more romantic planned for this weekend, but, I don't know. I heard the news and I couldn't wait. And I wasn't sure Alex would forgive me for wasting precious wedding-planning time." She looked at Alex and smiled, then leaned over and kissed her cheek.

"Wedding planning time? Do you already have a date?" Dr. March asked.

Alex glanced sideways at Olivia and grinned. "July 24, at midnight. We'll be the first same-sex couple to get married in New York."

"Alex likes to be first," Olivia explained, grinning shyly.

Dr. March smiled.

"We'd love to have you. The ceremony will be at midnight, but obviously we're going to celebrate the next day," Alex said. "I, um… I was telling Olivia that you've really be instrumental in my healing process. I don't think I would be doing this… being in a fulfilling relationship… if it weren't for you."

"All of the healing, you've done yourself, Alex," Dr. March said. "I've just given you some tools and a safe place to do the work. Showing up in my office is one thing. Showing up for yourself is a lot harder."

"Lex, I'm so proud of you. And I know you're doing this for yourself, not *just* to sleep with me, but…"

"Liv, I started therapy because I wanted to be able to love you and because I didn't want to hate myself. And I kept doing it because I learned… I'm learning to love myself." Alex began to cry, and Olivia put her hand gently on Alex's back. "This… it's so different. So much better than I ever though… When I got engaged to Robert, it was a fucking business arrangement. He got the biggest, gaudiest ring he could find, and took me to this stuffy place… I felt nothing. Did I ever tell you how he proposed? He handed me a manilla envelope with the draft of a prenup that his lawyer had prepared. One that called for *me* paying *him* alimony if the marriage ended. And when I opened the envelope and was confused about what I was reading, that's when he took out the ring. Didn't kneel because he didn't want to get dust on his Italian suit. It was the least romantic thing you could possibly imagine." She snorted.

"And how does this proposal feel?" Dr. March asked.

"Perfect." She leaned her head on Olivia's shoulder.

"Are you going to have your lawyer do a prenup?" Olivia asked tentatively.

Alex shrugged. "I suppose we should do a basic one. I'm not exactly worried you're a gold digger, Liv." She smiled.

"Well, I was planning on retiring, eating caviar and champagne three meals a day, and hiring a team of foot massage therapists," Olivia winked. "Of course I'll need a full wardrobe of Dior and Armani pyjamas to lounge in. And a yacht."

Alex snorted. "I think we could budget for that."

"Lex, I don't care about money. I'll sign whatever you want. I'm not planning on divorce, but worst case scenario, I'm still working, and I've got my pension."

"I should tell her," Alex said to Dr. March.

"That's up to you," Dr. March replied.

Alex took a breath. "Liv, the amount of money I have…"

"Lex, I don't care how much money you have. I care about you."

"I know you don't care. But if we're getting married, you should know. And I've been meaning to have this conversation… well, since I got pregnant, and it just never happened."

"How much money do you have, then?" Olivia asked, taking Alex's hand.

"I… Let's put it this way. I could personally fund the DA's office. For a couple of years."

"Holy shit, Alex," Olivia said. "And I spent several minutes in the grocery store debating the merits of brand name 3-ply toilet paper versus on-sale store brand."

"To be fair, the DA's office buys one-ply tissue paper," Alex said wryly.

Olivia laughed. "$100 million? You really can do anything you want."

Alex shifted. "Liv, actually, give or take, it's about $450 million."

Olivia stared, trying really hard not to gawk. "Lex, that's not 'fund the DA's office.' That's… the GDP of a small country."

Alex nodded.

"So, how long does it take you to earn your salary in interest? A day?"

"Maybe," Alex answered, shrugging.

"You must really love SVU," Olivia said. "I guess I knew you didn't have to work, but that's... wow."

"That's it?" Alex looked at her "I must love SVU?"

"Well, you literally don't have to do a single thing if you don't want to, so... yeah. I'm really touched that SVU is what you've chosen to come back to."

Alex let out a breath she didn't know she was holding.

"Lex, sweetheart, money or no money, this doesn't change anything. I don't feel entitled to your money."

"I know you don't, Liv. Just, please keep it to yourself. I know people know I have family money, but… not even Liz knows just how much. I don't want people to think differently of me. And it's none of their business."

"Lex, I'm not going to tell anyone you're worth half a billion dollars."

"No. I'm not *worth* half a billion dollars, I have half a billion dollars. Huge difference." She glanced at Dr. March. "Self-worth doesn't come from how much money I have, or what I do for anyone else. It comes from here," she said, tapping her solar plexus.

"Alex is right," Dr. March said. "That's one of the things we've been working on."

"I know that; I'm sorry," Olivia offered.

"Turns out, a lot of my, uh, 'stuff' came from feeling like I had to bend over backwards for other people because I've always had so much more than everyone else. I believed I didn't deserve to be happy or loved because I'm wealthy."

Olivia smiled and intertwined her fingers with Alex's. "Alex, I love you for who you are. You don't need to do anything or be anything else. You don't need to redeem yourself because of what your parents did. You don't have to earn love - mine or anyone else's."

Alex laughed, and squeezed Olivia's hand, and after thanking Dr. March, they walked home together.


	24. Chapter 24

Safa slept fitfully. Sometimes, she tossed and turned, crying out in her sleep without waking up, until Alex or Olivia sat next to her and rubbed her back, repeating, over and over, "You're safe." Other times, she wet the bed, and cowered in the corner while Olivia changed the sheets, and Alex approached her gently, speaking in soft tones as she helped the girl clean herself off and get changed. Each morning and night, despite her protruding belly, she rolled out a mat and put on a scarf, to pray.

She had few belongings: some clothes, a gold chain, a few photos of her mother. There was one in particular that Safa clutched every night before she fell asleep.

On Sunday, Alex and Olivia brought Safa to their wedding cake tasting, and delighted in Safa trying all of the different samples. It didn't take them too long to select a chocolate fudge cake with raspberry filling and white chocolate ganache, but Safa had never seen or tasted so many different kinds of sweets. She kept glancing at Alex for approval, who pushed her own plate towards the girl, and clinked her champagne glass to Olivia's.

Walking back up Columbus, they walked slowly, and Safa stopped every few minutes to catch her breath. Alex motioned to the Starbucks up the block.

"Want to stop and get a coffee and take Safa to the restroom?" Alex asked. "I have a quick errand to do, and then maybe we can walk through the park."

Olivia cocked her head, curious as to what type of errand Alex wanted to run. There wasn't much around.

Alex didn't elaborate, but smiled and raised her eyebrows, tilting her head in a way that Olivia couldn't refuse, so Olivia nodded. "Iced almond milk latte with chai syrup?" She asked, kissing Alex on the cheek.

"Yes. Thank you. I'll just be a minute."

Olivia ordered the coffees and picked up a few fruit salads. She took a berry smoothie off the shelf and turned to show it to Safa, whose eyes had gotten big at the sight of a girl about her age sipping on a venti vanilla frappuccino. She pointed at the frappe and said, "Do you want that?" and grinned when Safa nodded excitedly.

Olivia took a seat where she could see the door of the restroom, and motioned for Safa to go. She collected the drinks and kept her eyes glued to the bathroom door, relieved when Safa returned quickly and giggled right before she took a huge gulp of her drink.

Alex returned shortly, a small shopping bag in hand, and sat down with her iced coffee. "Really, Olivia?" she said, looking at the giant ice cream drink in Safa's hand, which was already half gone.

Olivia laughed. Each time Alex had been pregnant, she had only eaten the healthiest foods, and had cut caffeine nearly entirely. _I know I don't *have* to, Olivia, but I want to, for our baby…_ she told Olivia, who had encouraged her to eat what she wanted. "Lex, how many times do you think she's had ice cream? Let her enjoy it."

Alex smiled as she watched Olivia watching Safa, and felt a pang of sadness. They were naturals at this, taking care of a child. Olivia must have had the same thought, because she smiled and reached over to touch Alex's hand.

"What'd you get?" she asked, motioning to the bag on Alex's lap.

Alex looked over at Safa, who had put down her drink, and was playing with the straw. "Safa?" Alex asked, and the girl looked up eagerly. Olivia suspected that Alex was Safa's favourite of the two, even though Olivia spent more time with her.

"This is for you," she said, passing the bag to Safa, who took it, looking confused. "Open it," she said, smiling, miming opening a bag.

Safa opened the bag, and pulled out the first gift, professionally wrapped, and hesitated again. With Alex's encouragement, she unwrapped it, revealing a small photo album, where Alex had slipped each of the dozen or so photos she had taken from the nightstand in Safa's room. The second gift contained a silver-plated picture frame, engraved with "Mom," and held a copy of the picture Safa held onto every night, the one with her mother holding Safa as a young child.

Safa wiped a tear from her eye. "Thank you, Alesk," she said, waddling from her seat to wrap her arms around the blonde.

"There's one more," Alex said softly, patting her on the back and handing her the bag again. This time, Safa pulled out a small velvet box, with a small heart-shaped locket on a gold chain.

Alex scooted forward in her chair and took the box from Safa, opening the heart to reveal a smaller version of the picture of her mom. Alex took the chain out of the box and undid the clasp, fastening it around Safa's lavender headscarf.

"This way, she'll always be close to your heart," Alex said, tapping Safa's collarbone gently.

Safa smiled and wiped a tear away, then sat back in her seat, suddenly solemn. She put her hands on the table, the melting frappuccino forgotten, and glanced out of the corner of her eyes at Alex and Olivia.

"She only had a few pictures, and the one with her mom and her was getting wrinkled," Alex explained. "I didn't want her to ruin them and not have copies…"

Olivia raised an eyebrow. "You are such a softie," she accused, smiling.

"Don't tell anyone," Alex said ruefully. Her voice softened. "But you know. Kids in foster care… if she moves around a lot, hopefully this way she'll be able to keep her photos."

Olivia nodded. "We should talk about that. Privately," she answered, looking at Safa. "Why don't we walk through the park a bit before we go back? This one is probably going to have a massive sugar rush."

They walked through the park, and Olivia managed to convince Safa to be pushed on the swing, and to go down the slide. Though Safa seemed more serious that she had been earlier, she laughed as she slid down, on what Olivia imagined to be her first ever outing to a playground. Safa stopped short in the middle of the path when she saw the carousel, and Olivia took pleasure in insisting that they all ride together, Alex included.

"Look at how much fun she's having," Olivia said. "I bet she's never been able to be a kid."

"Not since her mom died," Alex replied. "She told Rym and I about playing with her mom." Alex looked sideways at Olivia. "Don't say it, Liv."

"Say what?" Olivia asked innocently, her eyes still on Safa as her horse rode up and down. "And you're the one buying her nice jewelery."

They picked up wild organic salmon and vegetables from the farmers' market on the way home, and Alex settled Safa in on the couch before she set the table and poured two glasses of wine.

Sarah was out, so they talked about their wedding and Olivia's impending return to SVU, Abby's return to the city, and Alex's intern Grant, who remained mysterious and soft-spoken. Safa picked at her food, which Olivia attributed to the afternoon's cake and frappuccino binge.

When they reached a lull in the conversation, Alex reached over to touch Safa's arm gently. "Are you tired, sweetheart?" she asked, making a sleeping gesture by putting her palms together up against her cheek, like a pillow, and closing her eyes. "You can go to sleep if you want. We walked a lot today."

Safa put down her fork and looked at her hands, which she rested on her belly. She sniffled, then looked up at Alex, then Olivia, then back to Alex, who watched her anxiously.

"Alesk," Safa finally said, barely audible. "I die, Alesk wa Oooleevia have baby?"

Safa looked at Alex expectantly, and Alex reached out to take her hand. She glanced briefly over at Olivia, who had pulled out her phone and was dialing Rym.

Alex got out of her chair and squatted in front of Safa, taking both of her hands and looking directly in her eyes.

"Safa, sweetie, you are NOT going to die," she said, softly but forcefully, shaking her head.

"Hi Rym, sorry to bother you on a Saturday night. I know it's late. We, uh… we were wondering if you were available to stop by. There's a pretty urgent conversation we need to have with Safa, apparently…" Olivia said, pacing in the kitchen. "Great. Thank you so much. We'll see you in a bit."

Alex smiled at Safa and wiped a tear from her eye.

"Eat, then talk with Rym?" she said, using a phrase Rym had taught her to say, then handing Safa her fork.

Alex sat back down in her seat and had a sip of her wine. "Liv, that conversation I told you we should have privately? I think we need to have it, now."

Olivia nodded. "Why don't we try French and Italian? I don't want to risk her picking up parts of it in English if we're talking right in front of her. Even if I think she won't understand."

Alex nodded. "I don't think…"

"Safa already…" Olivia began at the same time.

"You go first," Alex conceded.

"Safa already asked me if we would keep her baby," Olivia admitted, looking at her plate. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

"When?" Alex asked.

"The day we took her to open up her scar," Olivia explained. "She was drugged, and I… we were just getting used to the idea of not being parents. I didn't want to open up that particular wound again."

Alex nodded. "Olivia, if Safa doesn't want to keep her baby, she can choose the adoptive parents, just like any birth mother could."

Olivia nodded. "I know." She paused. "Do you think Safa *doesn't want* to keep the baby, or that she's not going to survive childbirth?"

"Well, that's what we need to talk to Rym about," Alex said. "And what she thinks is going to happen to her after the baby is born."

"I don't want it to seem like… I don't think we took in Safa so we could adopt her baby. That wasn't the plan," Olivia said.

"I know it wasn't, Liv. Would you like that to be the plan? What if Safa really does want us to adopt her child?"

Olivia sighed and took another sip of wine, avoiding Alex's eyes. She swallowed hard. "Safa seems to trust us," Olivia said. "But I don't know… what if… could we do that again?"

Alex reached over and took Olivia's hand. "We could," she said gently. "And I know that we would rise to the challenge. But as much as I would love to adopt Safa's baby… we know that there are many wonderful couples out there who would create a good home for a baby. We also know that with Safa's challenges and her history of trauma… there aren't very many foster homes that could give her what she needs."

"If we agree to adopt Safa's baby, we would be sacrificing her to foster care," Olivia said, nodding slowly. "Assuming she wants to give up the baby, and not just that she thinks she's not going to survive."

"If she stays with us, we can get her counselling, tutors… and give her a safe home without men. The state would pay for some of that stuff, but if she's in a facility, or even a foster home with multiple kids… we both know she isn't going to get the care she needs to come back from this." Alex said.

"And a kid in foster care, who has already given birth and who hasn't learned to read by age 12… those are some major risk factors for prostitution or sex trafficking," Olivia concluded. She sighed. "I know you're right. And it's not that… I didn't mean that I wanted to adopt the baby instead of her. I just meant that it's going to be hard if she stays. And gives up her baby to someone else."

"I know, Liv," Alex said, squeezing her hand. "And if I thought… one option would be to take both of them in, and raise them as siblings. But I don't know if that would hold Safa back. Honestly, I think the best thing for her would be to give up the baby and stay here, but I don't want to stipulate one way or the other."

The buzz on the inter phone announced Rym's arrival, so Alex went to open the door, while Olivia led Safa back to the couch.

"Thank you so much for coming so quickly," Alex said, answering the door. "And I wanted to apologise for stepping out of line the last time. It was inappropriate for me to say, and I hope you'll forgive me."

Rym nodded. "Don't worry about it," she said, entering and removing her shoes. "What happened tonight?"

"Safa asked us to keep her baby when she dies," Olivia said softly. "Can you ask her why she thinks she's going to die?"

Rym sat on the couch next to Safa. "Hi sweetie," she said, tucking Safa's hair behind her ear. "How are you feeling?" She asked.

Safa shrugged and looked away. "Tired," she replied. "So tired."

"Tell me about what you asked Alex and Olivia," Rym said gently.

"They will take good care of a baby," Safa said.

"Are they taking good care of you?" Rym asked.

Safa nodded. "They let me have cake and ice cream today."

Rym smiled. "What do you think should happen after you have the baby?"

Safa looked sad. "My mother... that's how she died. And I don't... what if I die too? I'm scared."

"Sweetheart, were you there when your mom died?" Alex asked.

Safa began to cry. "The baby got stuck. And there was so much blood..." she leaned into Alex, who rubbed her back as she cried.

"Safa, when your baby is born, we're going to take you to the hospital, with a doctor, so she will keep you safe," Alex reassured her. "You are not going to die."

"When a woman has a baby, she puts one foot in the grave," Safa said.

"And the women who help you in childbirth are there to make sure you don't put the other foot in," Rym finished for her. "We will all be there to keep you safe, not just the doctor."

"You are going to have to decide if you want your baby to stay with you, or if you want another couple to adopt her," Olivia said. "Alex and I would like you to stay with us, if you want to."

"You'll go to school, and we'll make sure you learn English. When you grow up, you can be whatever you want to be," Alex said. "It might be easier to do that if your baby lives somewhere else."

"Alex?" Safa asked, sitting up. "Did your baby die?"

Rym paused for a moment before interpreting.

Alex looked at her sadly. "What... tell me about that, Safa."

"In the room, there are pictures with a baby." Safa explained. "I found..."

"I... I was going to have a baby, and she died before she was born," Alex explained, choking up. Olivia put her hand on Alex's shoulder. "She was smaller than your baby is now."

"There are pictures of you holding a baby." Safa replied.

"We... that baby, Nate, is still alive. We adopted him and then his birth mother changed her mind and took him back."

"Oh," Safa said. "Don't you want a baby?"

"What we want," Olivia said, touching Safa's knee, "is for you and your baby to have a safe place to live, and for you to get to go to school and be a kid before you grow up."

"Safa," Alex said, her voice cracking. "You are worthy of grownups taking care of you. You are worthy of a childhood and an education. You are worthy of time to heal and of love."

"How do I know my baby will go somewhere safe?" Safa asked.

"You can choose parents to adopt your baby," Alex explained. "You don't have to decide now. You can decide when the baby is born. When you know that you and the baby are both safe."

Safa nodded. "Just tell me… what do I have to do? I don't know if I can afford to pay for everything for the baby and then for me too… I'd rather the baby have a safe place to live while I go to work."

Alex looked confused. "Honey, you don't have to work. You don't have to pay for anything. What do you mean?"

"But… I'm already in so much debt to you for you taking care of me. Don't you want me to work as your maid so I can send money to pay for the baby? And…" Safa began to cry harder, and Rym had to lean in to hear what she had to say. "Isn't that why you opened my scar?

Rym covered her mouth with her hands as she realised what Safa was saying. "No, no, no, sweetheart, no!"

"No?" Safa said. "I don't have any money…"

"Honey, that's why we need you to stay with us, and to find a good home for the baby," Olivia said, her heart breaking. "You don't need money, because you're a child. Your job is to go to school and learn, so that later, when you're an adult, you can work. You do not have to pay us. You do not have to pay the people who adopt your baby. You do not have to do work for us. And you are most definitely not going to go work for people who would hurt you."

"But then who pays money?"

"Olivia and I both have jobs, and we have money," Alex explained. "We have room for you to stay. We have food for you to eat. And in New York, everyone pays taxes to the government, and the government pays for children to go to school until they're 18, and pays for homes for children who don't have a place to live or parents who take care of them. I promise you do not have to worry about that, even if you don't want to stay with us. You will be safe."

"Right now, we just want you to rest and take care of yourself, and we're going to get a tutor so you can work on learning English. Then after the baby comes, you'll go to school. That's it. We don't want you to do anything else. Can you do that for us?"

Safa nodded.

"Are you hungry, sweetie? You didn't eat much," Alex said. "Then I think it's time for bed."

Safa shook her head.

"Rym, it's late. Why don't you stay over? This couch pulls out," Alex suggested. "Or Liv can drive you home. You shouldn't be out by yourself this late."

"Do you think… Safa might need to talk more in the morning." Rym suggested.

Olivia nodded. "Let's get her to bed. I think it would be a good idea if the three of us talk too, but if you're staying, we should probably all get some sleep first. That was hard for all of us."

Alex pulled out the couch and moved Safa's sheets to the recliner, and pulled out other blankets to make the bed. She got pyjamas, towels, makeup remover, and a spare toothbrush for Rym, and proceeded to make the bed, while Olivia took Safa to brush her teeth.

Olivia sat down with Safa on the edge of the bed, and turned her back as Safa changed. She noticed her sketchbook and a photo album on the side of Alex's desk, and flipped through them, sighing. That was how Safa knew.

When Safa was dressed, Olivia took a medicated cream, that she put on the burn on the side of Safa's face, and then handed her another cream for Safa to put on her more intimate scar. Then, she sat down next to her and picked up a hairbrush, gently brushing and attaching her thick hair in a ponytail. When she was done, Safa leaned into her unexpectedly, and Olivia wrapped one arm around the girl, rubbing her back with the other hand.

"You're going to be safe, Safa," she whispered. "Nobody is going to hurt you." She kissed the top of Safa's head and helped her to lay down on her side, rubbing her back until she fell asleep.

Olivia joined Alex in the bedroom, where she was silent as she changed into her nightclothes. She sighed as she laid down next to Alex under the covers,

"Liv…" Alex whispered, turning in towards her. She touched Olivia's neck and collarbone lightly, dragging her fingertips down her arms, as Olivia trembled and began to cry.

"Shhh, love, it's okay," she whispered, as Olivia fought her tears.

"She thought we were going to let her become a prostitute," Olivia said.

"Liv, we know that's a reality for women around the world, especially orphans. Even for women who age out of foster care in New York struggle with homelessness, addiction…"

"I know," Olivia said. "11 years old and she thinks she has to sacrifice her whole life. She's already suffered more than most adults."

Alex kissed Olivia's forehead and held her gently as she watched the thoughts go through Olivia's head. "She had fun today, I think," Alex reassured her. "And now she knows she's going to be safe."

Unable to sleep after Olivia drifted off, Alex extracted herself from the bed and crept into the kitchen to make tea. As she waited for the water to boil, she took the last sips out of her wine glass from the abandoned dinner and debated pouring herself another glass of wine instead as she cleared the table.

She leaned against the counter, doing little more than warm her hands with the teacup, as she contemplated which of her healing exercises she wanted to do to calm down and soothe the knot in her heart. She closed her eyes and focused on her breathing, in and out. _I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you._ As she sipped her tea, she thought she heard crying coming from the living room.

Alex sent Rym a text. _Would you like some tea?_

A few minutes later, Alex felt a presence at the entrance to the kitchen, and looked up from her tea to smile gently at Rym standing in the door, her eyes puffy. Without a word, Alex set the kettle again and slid over a box of Mariage Frères herbal teas for Rym to choose. They sat in silence for a few minutes, sipping their tea.

Alex reached over and put her hand on Rym's arm. "You saw today how important your job is," Alex said. "I know that was hard. But I'm really glad Safa has you to help her communicate."

Rym nodded and looked down at her tea.

"I'm so sorry for your losses," Rym said, after a moment of awkward silence. "It can't be easy watching Safa like this..." she trailed off.

"Thank you," Alex said. "It's not easy, but we're healing."

Rym nodded and sipped her tea.

"I'm sorry we interrupted whatever fun you were having on a Saturday night. Unfortunately it's pretty common in our line of work."

Rym shrugged. "It was probably for the best. I took it as a sign I wasn't supposed to stay out." She blushed and looked down at her tea.

Now it was Alex's turn to nod.

"I noticed your ring, by the way. Congratulations."

"Thank you," Alex replied.

Rym bit her lip. "You and Olivia... you met through work?" Alex nodded again. "How did you know... how did you start your relationship?"

Alex smiled, and studied Rym for a moment as she placed her teacup on the counter.

"We became really close friends when we worked together the first time, for almost four years. Then I... had to leave New York for a while, came back and got engaged to someone else. Then he assaulted me and I left, and Olivia let me stay with her for a bit while I was getting back on my feet. One day I looked at her and realized that everything I wanted to feel in a romantic relationship, I already felt with her. I had just never made the connection before, because she was... a she. But why not? So I told her how I felt."

"It was that easy?"

Alex nodded. "Well, I did already know she dated women, so that part wasn't a huge risk." She sipped her tea again and shifted. "Rym, can I ask you something?"

Rym nodded.

"You don't have to answer me, but maybe it would help to think about it. How would you like to feel in a romantic relationship? How would you like your first time to feel? And why do you think you don't deserve that or can't have it? And are any of those reasons really true?"


	25. Chapter 25

Olivia rolled over and nuzzled into Alex's neck, breathing her in before placing a light kiss on her neck, then her ear, then her cheek, and finally, her lips. She pressed their foreheads together.

"Good morning," Alex murmured, opening one eye.

"It is," Olivia confirmed, pulling back slightly to take in Alex, who smiled at her and leaned forward for another kiss.

Olivia brought her hand up to caress Alex's cheek, and teared up and swallowed.

"You okay, Liv?" Alex whispered, running her fingers through Olivia's hair.

Olivia nodded. "I'm going to get to do this every day," she whispered back. "Wake up with the most beautiful woman in the world." Alex blushed. "And apparently also one of the richest."

Alex rolled her eyes and laughed. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you, Liv. Just... there's never really a right time to bring up half a billion dollars, you know?"

Olivia shook her head. "Sweetie, I don't want your money. I've got everything I need right here. Can I call you my sugar mama, though?"

Alex laughed and blushed red. "Can you have a sugar mama if you're a cougar? Wouldn't I have to be much older than you?"

Olivia knelt above Alex on her knees and elbows, took Alex's face in her hands, and growled against her lips.

"Shhh!" Alex exclaimed, giggling. "Rym is there on the other side of that door. She'll hear you!"

Olivia groaned. "I forgot," she whispered, kissing Alex again. "I guess I shouldn't do this then..." she said, running her tongue down Alex's neck to her nipple.

Alex gasped. "No, you definitely shouldn't do that," she whispered. "Come on, let's get up before we do something she'd hear."

Olivia pouted and rolled over. "What time is it anyway?"

"7:30," Alex answered, looking at her phone. "You don't have to get up yet if you don't want to. You have to go back to work tomorrow, and we didn't get much sleep yesterday."

Olivia smiled. "It was totally worth it. And I'm just going to be on desk duty for the next week or two, anyway. What time is Abbie coming?"

"I assume not before 10. She was going out last night, so I told her to come whenever she was ready and that I had to leave for prepping Mandy Fowler at 2. I don't know yet if Sarah's coming with me. I think it would be good for her. And for Mandy."

Olivia nodded. "I'll go start the coffee and see if anybody's awake. Can I join you in the shower?" They often showered together, not necessarily for sex, but to connect and talk.

Olivia set the coffee on, noticing Rym was still laying down on the couch, and snuck back in to join Alex. She put her arms around the blonde and ran soapy hands across her abdomen.

"Hey," Alex said, enjoying the feeling of Olivia pressed up against her. "Everyone still asleep?"

"So far so good," Olivia replied. She tilted her head and kissed Alex's neck.

"Mmm," Alex said. "I didn't realise you were proposing this kind of shower, with all these people in our house."

"Are you complaining?" Olivia asked, pulling away her hands to put shampoo in her own hair. Alex blushed and shook her head. "Can you be quiet?" Olivia asked. She began kissing Alex's neck and shoulder, down her abdomen, and knelt in front of her.

Alex shook her head. "Liv, I'm about to get my period any second, I can feel it."

Olivia looked up at her and shrugged, pulling one of Alex's legs over her shoulder. "Then all the more reason for me to take care of you. It will be good for your cramps."

Alex started to pull her leg back. "I'd rather not," she said shyly.

Olivia put her leg back down and stood up to kiss Alex on the mouth. Alex tried to look away, but Olivia put her index finger under her chin, looking into her eyes.

"Lex, it's the only blood that doesn't come from violence or pain. I'm not afraid of a little bit to make you feel good. And you might not have even started yet."

They looked at each other for a minute, and Olivia kissed her again, kneeling down, and this time, she leaned back against the shower wall and gripped Olivia's hand as she draped her leg over Olivia's shoulder. When Alex finished, Olivia stood up, holding her close and running her fingers through Alex's hair to rinse out the conditioner. She pressed a kiss to Alex's cheek, then to her mouth. "I love you," Olivia said.

After holding her for a moment, Olivia looked into her eyes again, and took a breath. "Lex I actually wanted to talk to you about something."

"Sure, Liv. What do you want to talk about?"

"I want to talk to you about… the thing you bought."

"The, um… toy?" Alex clarified, blushing.

Olivia nodded. "I, um… I appreciate that you stepped out of your comfort zone to buy it," she began. "And… I know I said I'd try it if you wanted to, but I don't think it's a good idea."

"Okay." Alex said.

"Okay?" Olivia repeated.

"Liv, it was… a suggestion. If you don't want to use it, we don't have to."

Olivia nodded.

Alex put her hand on Olivia's collarbone, and smiled at her. "Do you want to tell me why you don't think it's a good idea?"

Olivia shifted. "I, um… just because I've enjoyed sex with men in the past doesn't mean I want to use a fake penis now," Olivia explained, blushing. "I… I don't really want you to use it on me."

Alex nodded. "And you're not comfortable using it on me," she finished.

"Alex… I love you," she said, tracing Alex's hair behind her ear. "But… I'm not sure you're ready for that. Sometimes even my fingers are too much for you. If I wear that, and hurt you… I'll never be able to forgive myself." She swallowed and looked away, blinking away tears, her voice almost a whisper. "I know… I know you tell me that I'm gentle, and that I'm not like him, but… if I use it and you have a flashback, it's going to hurt both of us. It might damage our relationship. And I don't want that. I don't want to take that kind of risk for a toy. Not when things are so good just the way they are."

Alex nodded and kissed Olivia, wiping away tears. "Thank you, sweetie," she whispered. "I love you."

"Are we okay?" Olivia asked.

"Of course," Alex said, kissing her again. "So we'll forget about it. But I still want you to tell me things you want."

"You," Olivia whispered. "And we can look through the book together."

After getting out of the shower, Olivia went to pour coffee and start some eggs in the kitchen, while Alex got dressed, and, when there was a knock on the door, Olivia went to answer.

"Abbie," Olivia said, surprised to see her so early. "Good morning. Come in," Olivia welcomed her, stepping aside.

"Hi Liv," Abbie said, shifting uncomfortably.

"You're here early," she commented, noticing Abbie's nervousness. "Is everything okay? Let's get you some coffee."

Abbie nodded and followed Olivia to the kitchen, where she sat at the bar. "Alex didn't expect you here this early. She's just getting dressed."

"Sorry, um, I figured she'd be up by now," Abbie said. "Cabot's always got her makeup on by 8."

Olivia smiled. "I'm sure she'll be out in a minute. Thanks for helping us out with Safa now that I'm going back to work. We really appreciate it."

Abbie nodded. "I don't start my new position until September 1, so I'm happy to have something to keep me busy until then." She laughed bitterly. "Ironically Serena broke up with me because I wasn't home enough, always traveling too much for work, and she wanted me to settle down. And now I've got a new job with 10% travel instead of 60%, and months of vacation."

"I'm sorry to hear that," Olivia sympathised, touching her hand. "You were together a long time."

Abbie nodded. "Almost ten years," she said, swallowing.

"That's hard," Olivia said, pausing. We're glad to have you back in New York, though. You'll let us know if you need anything?" Olivia squeezed her hand, then looked up and noticed Rym. "Good morning, Rym," Olivia said, pouring another cup of coffee. "Rym Habib, this is Abbie Carmichael. Abbie is a US attorney who used to work with Alex in the DA's office, and she's agreed to help us out with Safa now that I'm going back to work, since her new job doesn't start until the fall. Abbie, Rym is Sarah's Arabic teacher at Columbia, and she's helping us interpret for Safa for the investigation, her medical treatment, and for helping her get adapted here. We had a bit of an urgent conversation last night, so Rym was here late and stayed over."

Abbie blushed, and held out her hand. "Hello. Nice to meet you," Abbie said shyly, swallowing again.

"My pleasure," Rym replied, shaking it.

"We try not to monopolise too much of Rym's schedule during the week, but you two can coordinate when she's available, if you want to take Safa anywhere or even just be able to talk to her a bit," Olivia explained.

Abbie nodded, and took another gulp of coffee.

"Abbie, is everything alright? You seem upset," Olivia said gently, sitting across from her with her own coffee. "And I doubt you would have shown up here at 8:05 on a Sunday morning if everything was okay."

"Um, yeah, no, everything is… I'm fine. I just… I had something to talk about. But it can wait. I didn't realise you had a guest," Abbie said.

"Do you want me to…?" Rym asked.

"Abbie, if you want to talk to Alex in private, go knock on the door. She's dressed; she was just doing her hair and makeup," Olivia said. "You weren't… are you hurt?"

"Liv, I'm okay. I wasn't raped," Abbie waived her hand. "It's fine. I can wait for Alex to come out. I want to tell both of you what happened."

"What happened?" Alex asked, emerging from the bedroom.

Abbie smiled. "I knew you'd be all Caboted-up by 8," she said. She looked at her watch. "You're late. Did I interrupt anything this morning?"

Alex blushed, and Olivia stepped in. "That, Abbie, is none of your business. But we have a guest."

Alex kissed Abbie on the cheek and put her hand on her back. "What happened, Abbie? Are you hurt?"

Abbie shook her head. "Just my pride. I got kicked out of a bar last night."

Alex opened her mouth, closed it, and tilted her head, waiting for Abbie to elaborate. When she didn't, she asked, "Abbie, did you get into a fight?"

Abbie shook her head. "Not really. Persephone's down in the village. The lesbian bar I've been going to since… well, since I knew what a lesbian was, and that I was one, pretty much."

"Where we had drinks a few weeks ago?" Alex said.

Abbie nodded, and so did Olivia. "I've been there a few times," Olivia said. "What happened?"

Abbie bit her lip and looked into her coffee. "I went there last night. I… I haven't really gone out since Serena broke up with me. I had a drink, started talking to someone. She bought me another drink. Then… we started dancing. I guess… I guess I should have known, but it was dark, and by that point I'd had a few drinks… she grinds into me, and I felt… she had a dick. An erection."

"A trans woman," Olivia said.

"So of course, I got upset. Maybe some women are into that, but… I'm a lesbian. I don't do dick." Abbie explained. "She was like, Stabler's build, so I guess I should have known, but I wasn't really thinking… or I guess I assumed she'd have had surgery or something."

Alex nodded and rubbed Abbie's back. "I think 'no dick' is kind of the point of being a lesbian, isn't it?"

"You'd think," Abbie said. "Anyway, I spun around, like what the fuck is that. I was just going to go back to the bar, and stop dancing with her, but she got upset, and started screaming at me, that I was a transphobic bigot, and some women have dicks, and that I was a vagina fetishist TERF and that I was apparently oppressing her by not letting her molest me."

"I'm so sorry, Abbie," Olivia said.

"So the bouncer heard the commotion and came over. I think she was trans, too. And told me that 'Persephone is a safe space for all who identify as women, and that based on my transphobic behaviour, she was asking me to leave." Abbie wiped away a tear. "I didn't even get to say that I've just spent the last nine months working on legal guidance for federal protections for gender identity…"

"So, you were groped, then kicked out of a lesbian bar, for… being a lesbian," Alex said.

Abbie nodded. "Pretty much. It was at like 10:30, too. So I just went home, and then came straight here this morning."

"Abbie, that's awful," Alex said.

"What she did to you is sexual assault, Abbie," Olivia said, pouring more coffee. "If you want to file a report, I'll stop by with Elliot this week. If they're not protecting their patrons and kicking them out, maybe an informal visit from SVU will straighten things out."

Abbie shook her head. "It's what happens when you go dancing. Sure, you could try to charge her with sexual assault 2, but I doubt it's going to go anywhere. It was dark. There weren't cameras. It's my word against hers and the bouncer's. And she can claim I put her in danger by outing her as trans. And as far as the bar goes, for all I know she's there every night and is a more regular customer than me."

Olivia bit her lip. "Abbie, you know that you didn't do anything wrong, right?"

Abbie shrugged. "I used to… I used to get it from my family, you know? People in Texas. That I was a pervert and that I just needed to find the right man and get over being raped to make me 'grow out of' being a lesbian. And now I'm going to get it from lesbians, too? That I'm transphobic if I won't what? Dance with, date, sleep with trans women?"

"Your sexual preferences are not wrong, and they're not bigoted, Abbie. You know that," Olivia said. "I don't even know if we should talk about 'preferences'… being a lesbian is completely normal and it's hardwired. You don't have to date, or sleep with, anyone you don't want to. And certainly not with anyone with a dick, if you don't want to."

"That's why it's called homoSEXuality, and not homoGENDERality," Alex said. "It doesn't matter what her gender identity or expression is. Her sex is, and always will be, male, even if she has surgery. Surgery doesn't change your genes, or your pheromones, or anything other than the physical appearance of the genitals. You are attracted to females."

"What she did was wrong, Abbie. You're allowed to be upset about it," Olivia said. "You were not wrong here. You're not obligated to be nice to someone who is violating your boundaries. Even if you were upset and yelling, that's not violent. That's a justified reaction to being sexually assaulted."

Olivia and Alex both put their hands on Abbie's, and left them for a moment. Rym hesitated, then added hers, smiling gently.

After a couple of minutes, Abbie sniffled, swallowed, and laughed nervously. "So, that's me," she said, looking at Rym and then back down at their hands. "Nice to meet you. Sorry for the TMI."

Rym shook her head. "I'm sorry that happened to you," she offered. "I hope… I didn't make you uncomfortable, since we don't know each other. I…"

"It's fine," Abbie said. She wiped a tear off her cheek.

"Do you want a few minutes?" Alex asked gently, tilting her head. "Why don't you go into the bedroom for a few minutes, calm down. Do you want to shower, or wash up?"

"Thanks, Alex," Abbie said, following Alex into the bedroom. "I showered last night when I got home, but I still feel violated."

Alex nodded. "Can we do anything?" She sat down on the edge of the bed and patted next to her.

Abbie swallowed. "I still… I still freak out. It was almost 20 years ago, you know. I wish I could…"

Alex rubbed her back. "Abbie, there is nothing wrong with you. Nothing. I get it. I do," she said softly.

"I know," Abbie said.

"Take all the time you need," Alex said. "You're safe here. If you need to talk, let us know, okay? And when you're ready to come out to meet Safa, we'll introduce you. She's not awake yet."

Olivia went back to knock gently on Sarah's door.

"Come in," Sarah groaned, and Olivia opened the door.

"I'm sorry, did I wake you?" Olivia asked. Sarah was still in bed and hidden under the covers.

"Not really," Sarah said.

"I made eggs," Olivia said. "I didn't hear you come in last night. Did you have a nice time?"

Sarah nodded. "Sorry. I got back late, and… I wasn't thinking."

"Sarah, we just want to make sure you're safe, okay? We don't care how late it is. Just knock so we know."

Sarah blushed. "Well, actually… I was going to knock, but… I heard… you were talking, and I wasn't sure… I didn't want to interrupt you."

Now it was Olivia's turn to blush. "Sarah, we were just having a conversation. We still wanted to know you were home and safe. We don't… Believe me, we want to avoid embarrassing you just as much as you want to avoid embarrassing us, understood?"

Sarah nodded.

"Are you going with Alex today? She's going to prep Mandy Fowler in Judge Petrovsky's courtroom, at 3."

Sarah shrugged. "I don't know…"

"Okay. Well, just let Alex know when you decide. I think it might be good for her to have you there. Do you know the case?" Sarah shook her head. "Mandy is 15. She was raped by one of her friends at a party a few months ago," Olivia explained. "And she's been harassed and bullied on social media since it happened. She's not sure if she wants to testify because of everything she's been through."

Sarah bit her lip. "I could… she might… I could talk to her," Sarah said finally.

"Only if you want to." Olivia said, sitting down on the chair by the bed. "You know, when I first started working SVU, one of my mentors told me that you can only heal 75% of the way on your own. And to heal the rest… you have to help someone else to heal. Something to think about." Olivia folded her hands and leaned forward, elbows on her knees. "And, I know that with my surgery, and Safa being here, we haven't been as supportive as we could be. We do want to hear about how things are going with you, and maybe even meet Jake, if you want to introduce him."

"I'd like that," Sarah said. "And you don't have to apologise. I know I'm kind of intruding here, and you have your own lives, and…"

"Sarah, we're happy to have you here. We want to have you here. It just got a little complicated with Safa. And I think we're going to try to have her stay."


	26. Chapter 26

“Cabot," Alex answered, sitting at her desk, as she picked up the unknown number.

"Ms. Cabot, Jeff Rivers from the Department of State. I just wanted to let you know that the US attorneys handling Mohamad Al-Masri's case cut a deal with the Yemeni delegation and have put Mr. Al-Masri on a plane to Sana'a, via Dubai. It leaves in 35 minutes."

Alex put her hand over her mouth. "They're releasing him?"

"He's being deported, Ms. Cabot. His diplomatic status has been revoked and he'll never be allowed in the US again."

"He impregnated an 11 year old girl, after raping her repeatedly. And you're telling me the feds *not only* refused to prosecute him, but they couldn't even turn him back over to us to prosecute?"

"Listen, I just found out about this myself, Ms. Cabot," Rivers said. "The feds didn't feel inclined to inform your department. I thought you should at least get a courtesy call."

"Thank you," Alex said. "What's the flight number?"

"Flight EA832 to Dubai, departing from gate B-41 out of JFK at 1:35. Good luck," he said.

Alex hung up without saying goodbye. "Liv, who's catching today? I need you to call and tell them I need them at JFK immediately. I'll get them a warrant by the time they're there. Have them call the airline and tell them to hold the plane."

"What happened?" Olivia said, picking up her phone. Alex shook her head, muttering "fucking feds" under her breath, already dealing the next number.

"Hi Liz," she said, when the older woman answered. "Listen, is Lena there? Can I talk to her for a minute? It's urgent." She waited, tapping her fingers impatiently. "Your Honour, I am so sorry to interrupt your Sunday afternoon, but I need a warrant. Mohamad al-Masri, the man who raped Safa, was released by the feds. His flight leaves out of JFK in 35 minutes and I need a warrant to get him off the plane."

"Why didn't the feds prosecute?" Lena asked.

"I don't know, but we don't have time. Guy from State just called; they weren't even going to call me so we could pursue the state case. We've got plenty of physical evidence, plus Safa's testimony and her sister Miriam's testimony."

"Alexandra, you know that it isn't going to look good if the woman fostering this girl applies for an arrest warrant for her adoptive father's arrest, when it was signed off by your godmother's partner."

"I know, which is why my next call is going to be to Casey, to file the warrant. We can't let him get on that plane, Your Honor. If he goes back to Yemen, there's not going to be anyone to help the next ten year old girl he marries and rapes."

Lena sighed.

"The warrant will be upheld on appeal. I'll have all of SVU recuse themselves from prosecuting this case if I need to, just… please?"

"Have Casey send it to me and I'll fax the warrant to the airport and to your detectives as soon as it's signed."

"Thank you, Judge," Alex sighed.

"Call Casey. And outside of the courtroom, it's Lena."

Alex dialled Casey's number, balancing her laptop on her knees as she quickly typed out the warrant. "Casey, I just emailed you a warrant that I need you to sign and forward to Petrovsky. Munch and Fin are on their way to JFK to stop the plane with Mr. al-Masri on board," she explained. "I can't sign this warrant."

"Okay, done," Casey said. "I hope they get him."

"Me too," Alex said. "I don't know what we're going to tell Safa if they don't."

After Alex left for the courthouse with Safa, Olivia explained her routines to Abbie and Rym. "The ESL tutor will be coming every day at 10:30, for an hour," she began. "And Rym has agreed to give her lessons in reading and writing Arabic, two or three times a week. We just want to see how she does with the ESL tutoring first, so she doesn't get too tired. Alex downloaded some apps for learning counting, and basic math, and English onto the iPad so she can play for a bit. Since she has no formal schooling, we don't know what her skills are. She's going to have to do placement tests before she starts school in the fall."

Abbie nodded. "I'll take her to the park in the afternoons, too," she offered.

"Thank you so much for doing this, Abbie," Olivia said. "I know it's a lot to ask. We're not comfortable leaving her with just anyone."

"Well, you know I owe Alex," Abbie said.

Olivia tilted her head. "I don't think Alex would say that, but we appreciate it nonetheless." Her phone buzzed in her pocket, and she stepped into the kitchen to answer it. "Benson," she said. "Oh, hi El. I'm great… definitely ready to be back… Already? Okay, I'll meet you there. Okay, I'll be ready for you to pick me up, then."

Olivia put her phone back in her pocket and went into the bedroom, unlocking her gun safe and putting on her duty belt and went back into the living room, clasping her hands apologetically.

"Go," Abbie said. "Rym and I have got this." She looked at the young teacher, and smiled. "Can you stay and help me get to know Safa while Liv gets called out?"

"Thank you," Olivia said. "Alex said she'd be done by 4, but she may get called in. I think this one is going to be all-hands-on-deck," she pursed her lips, smiling grimly. "Can you stay until Sarah gets home? I'll tell Alex to drop her off when she's done, if she has to come to the hospital."

"Why does she need to be involved so early on, if you just got the call?" Abbie asked.

"It's one of our old perps who just got parole. Damian Harding. Alex prosecuted him. Don't know more than that yet."

"So how long have you been interpreting for the NYPD?" Abbie asked, as Safa settled down on the couch to rest.

Rym looked at her teacup. "Just this case," she answered. "I'm an Arabic professor at Columbia. Sarah emailed me and asked if there was a woman in the department who could translate for a young girl who was the victim of an acid attack. How did Sarah start working at the DA's office?"

Abbie shook her head. "She knew Alex from when Alex lived in Portland. I think the rest is for Sarah to tell you, if she wants to."

Rym swallowed and sniffled. "I had no idea what I was getting myself into."

"SVU is hard," Abbie sympathised. "I couldn't do it anymore."

"I feel like I'm a bit out of my depth," Rym admitted. "But I don't want to stop helping Safa, at least until she's had her baby and learned some English so she can communicate with Alex and Olivia."

Abbie nodded. "It's a good thing that you're doing," she said.

Rym shrugged. "They keep telling me that, like I'm some kind of saint. Honestly? I might not be here if I thought there was anyone else."

"There's always someone else. It's hard to keep people in SVU. But the fact that you're still here says a lot about you, especially as a civilian." Abbie paused. "I worked a few SVU cases back when I started at the DA's office, the year before Alex got hired. I barely lasted a year, and I wasn't even their dedicated ADA. Olivia's been doing this job for nearly 15 years, and Alex… 8 of the last 11 years. As far as I'm concerned they both *are* saints. SVU wouldn't exist without them."

"I thought you said there was always someone else?"

Abbie shrugged. "Doesn't mean the alternatives are any good. But, whatever your reasons are for staying… you are helping to save that girl's life."

Rym was silent for a moment, then she went to the bathroom and sat on the toilet, shaking and crying silently. Ten minutes later, there was a soft knock on the door.

"Rym? Are you okay? Can I come in?" Abbie said softly. When there was no answer, she opened the door slowly. "I'm just going to sit with you. Is that alright?" she asked, lowering herself onto the edge of the bathtub as Rym nodded, without looking up.

"My cousin Wardia was my best friend growing up. Wardia means rose," Rym began, a few minutes later. "I was 11? 12? About Safa's age, and she was 16, when she got married. He was 35." she sniffled.

"That's awful," Abbie said. "He was twice as old as her. Did she know him?"

"He was a family friend, so she knew him, but she didn't want to marry him. I went to the hammam with her, and all of our cousins, to wash and get henna for the celebration. I was so proud to be one of the big girls… I don't think she had any idea what was going to happen. On their wedding night, after the big party, it's traditional for the family to wait outside of the couple's room… to check for blood on the sheets."

"From a torn hymen?" Abbie asked, and Rym nodded. Abbie closed her eyes, then reached out to put her hand on Rym's back, to rub gently as she continued.

Rym swallowed. "I… we… listened to her scream as he raped her. She was saying no, that she wasn't ready."

"I am so, so sorry," Abbie said.

"When they were done, he opened the doors, and the women in the family ululated at the blood on the sheets. She was crying, and I climbed up on the bed with her to give her a hug, and she just… her eyes were empty. She didn't look at me. The family went back to the party, and I slept on the floor in the living room. I heard… he made her do it at least two more times. He slapped her when she said no. She cried all night. She was never the same after that."

Abbie continued to rub Rym's back, unable to come up with anything to say.

"She died the next year. Slit her wrists when she went to the doctor and found out she was 8 weeks pregnant."

"Rym…" Abbie breathed.

Rym swallowed. "So naturally, when I was 18 and engaged to marry a 40 year old… that's when I came to New York."

Abbie nodded, and wiped away a tear. "That must have been so, so hard for you," she said gently. "I understand why you want to help on this case. Have you told Alex and Olivia this story?"

Rym shook her head. "They know I broke off an engagement when I moved to New York, but not the rest."

"I know this is painful for you," Abbie said. "But you should tell them. If this goes to trial, it could come up."

"How? Would they ask questions about my personal life?" Rym asked.

Abbie bit her lip. "If the defence… suspects that you're not objective, they could do some digging." She held up her hand to stop Rym's objections. "I know that the interpretations were recorded, but…"

"They could accuse me of helping Safa twist her story, because of what happened to Wardia," Rym finished.

Abbie nodded. "The patriarchy protects their own," she said. "I am so sorry this happened to you. You didn't… Wardia didn't deserve that."

"No, she didn't," Rym said.

"Do you need… Can I do anything? Can I give you a hug?" Abbie asked. Rym nodded and stood up, leaning in as Abbie put her arms around her and patted her back, Rym's head on her shoulder, until Rym was calm again.

"Thank you," Rym whispered.

Alex was finishing up witness prep in Petrovsky's courtroom, when Munch and Fin entered and sat down in the back, looking grim.

"Mandy, do you think you're ready?" Alex asked, trying to ignore them until she was finished.

"Yeah, I guess," she said. "As ready as I'll ever be."

"Remember what I told you, and practice before Thursday. Take a deep breath. I am safe. I am powerful. I speak my truth." Alex said. "You're going to do great. I'll let you know when jury selection is done, and we'll talk Wednesday night before the trial begins on Thursday, okay?"

Mandy nodded.

"And you call me if you need anything. I don't mean to rush you, but I've got to speak to my detectives," she said, motioning towards Munch and Fin, who approached the prosecution table.

"You got him?" Alex asked, turning towards the back of the courtroom.

Fin looked at Munch, who reached out and put his hand on Alex's shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Alex," he said. "We were too late."

Alex closed her eyes and swallowed, then removed her glasses and rubbed her eyes.

"We sent the warrant to the airport police who said they would hold the plane, but they didn't communicate with the airline until the plane was already in the air," Fin explained. "Too many moving parts and too short of a window…"

"Damn it. Fucking feds," Alex said, intertwining her fingers under her chin. She bit her lip. "How am I going to tell Safa that he's not in prison? We had him dead to rights."

"We gonna need to say a prayer for the next little girl," Fin said.

"Was Miriam with him?" Alex asked.

"No, Miriam wasn't on the plane. We'll follow up and find her," Munch said. "But right now, we need to get Sarah back to your place and you need to come with us to Mercy. Liv and Stabler are meeting us there. Everyone's up on this one. Damian Harding was released on parole and already has a new victim."

"How do you know already that it was him?"

Munch and Fin exchanged a look.

"He went after his lawyer. Trevor Langan."


	27. Chapter 27

“Congratulations, Liv," Elliot said, as she slid into the passenger seat of the squad car. "And welcome back."

"Thanks, El," Olivia said, as he reached over and gripped her shoulder. "What've we got?"

"All I know is we've got a vic up at Mercy and we've got to go take his statement," Elliot said. "That's all Cap told me, and that everyone is all-in on this one. Didn't want to bother Cabot until she's done prepping Mandy Fowler but he's going to call her when she's done and have her come meet us. You ready for this?"

Olivia nodded. "Must be serious. I'm supposed to be on desk duty."

"You feeling okay? I mean, I know you've got Alex now and you don't need me anymore, but I still care about you, Liv. I'm still your partner."

"I know, El. I'm okay. We're good." She looked out the window. "It's been a painful few months for me and Alex. Since Nate, really..."

"I'm sorry, Liv," Elliot sympathized. "Nothing serious, I hope?"

Olivia shook her head. "I was going to try IVF, if it was an option. The doctor found polyps in my uterus, so, it wasn't. Not serious but they had to be removed."

"And that's why you were in the hospital. Liv, why didn't you just tell me?"

Olivia shrugged, still looking out the window. "Because, Elliot. We just wanted privacy to grieve, and to heal. With each other. And figure out the way forward."

"What's the way forward?"

"It might be becoming foster parents to Safa, officially."

"And her baby?"

Olivia shrugged. "She has to make a decision about that."

"She's 11."

"It's still her decision, El."

"Let me know if I can do anything," Elliot said, and Olivia nodded. "Have a good month off at least? Am I invited to the wedding?"

"Of course," Olivia said. "July 24. Midnight. Cragen already knows, so barring emergencies, everyone is off that weekend. Party is on Sunday."

"You'll be first? Are you sure you want that? That's a lot of publicity."

"I want what Alex wants, and Alex likes to be first," Olivia said.

Elliot nodded. "Fair enough."

Olivia slammed the car door as they parked at the hospital, and flashed her badge, along with Elliot, at security. "Detectives Olivia Benson and Elliot Stabler with SVU. We got called in about a rape?" She asked.

The guard pointed. "Straight back and to the right. Your captain is already there."

Olivia and Elliot exchanged a look. The Captain at the hospital? They walked back and saw Cragen standing with a tall blonde woman, and Olivia was confused. Alex had left before her, but was supposed to be at the courthouse.

"Captain, Alex," Elliot called. "What's up?"

"Elliot, Olivia," Cragen called, as the blonde turned around. "Detectives, this is Alyssa Morino, Trevor Langan's girlfriend —"

"Fiancée," corrected the woman who looked remarkably similar to Alex. "Can you tell me what's going on? Why haven't they let me in yet?"

"Mr. Langan was assaulted in his office this morning, and is currently being treated for his injuries. He'd like to make a statement. It appears the perp was one of his clients."

"Ms. Morino, we'll talk to Trevor and get you some information as soon as we can."

"He's an attorney! I don't know why he wouldn't be telling them to let me in!" She said, clearly annoyed.

"I understand, Ms, Morino. Sometimes when people are attacked they aren't thinking clearly. I'm sure we'll get this cleared up soon."

Olivia knocked on the door, and began to open it slowly. Trevor Langan was sitting on an examination table, dressed in a hospital gown, his face bruised.

"Mr. Langan," Olivia said gently. "How are you doing? I'm so sorry for what happened to you."

Trevor pressed his lips together and nodded, looking away.

"We'd like to take your statement," Elliot said. "Can you tell us what happened?"

"Damian Harding got parole on Friday. I was his defense attorney. He asked for a meeting this morning in my office. I didn't know what it was about, although even if I did I wouldn't be able to tell you."

Olivia nodded. "We don't want to know anything privileged. Just tell us what happened. What time did you meet him?"

"The meeting was at 11:30."

"Was anyone else in the office?" Elliot asked.

Trevor shook his head. "No, just me. Nobody works on Sundays. I wouldn't have been there if he hadn't requested an urgent meeting. To be honest, I thought he'd already gotten himself in trouble."

"Did he know you'd be alone?"

Trevor sighed. "Yeah. I told him the office wasn't open today and he convinced me to come in."

"Okay. Trevor, you know this is not your fault." Olivia said. "What were you doing when he got there?"

"I was sitting at my desk, at my laptop. I stood up to shake his hand when he came in, when I saw that he had a gun. He waved it and told me to sit down. He told me that he was going to show me what he went through in prison."

"Then what happened?" Olivia asked.

"He… made me… he put it in my mouth. He made me take off my pants. Then he started… touching me. He took the picture on his desk and told me…" Trevor looked from Elliot to Olivia. "I'm sorry, I can't… I can't do this with her in here."

Olivia nodded at Elliot. "Okay, Trevor. I'm going to go outside and talk to the Captain. Do you want me to let Alyssa in to support you?"

Trevor's eyes widened. "No! You can't… don't tell her anything."

Elliot and Olivia exchanged a look. "Okay, I won't tell her about the rape. I'm just going to tell her that you've been assaulted, and that SVU is investigating because we were prosecuting the man who did this. Is that okay?"

Trevor nodded.

Olivia stepped out into the hallway, while Elliot continued taking Trevor's statement.

"Can I go in now?" Ms. Morino asked.

"They're not quite done yet, but I wanted to step out to talk to you for a few minutes while they're finishing up. Can we speak privately?" Olivia asked.

Ms. Morino nodded.

"Detectives Munch and Tutuola just picked up ADA Cabot at the courthouse and are bringing her here. After I speak with them, I'm going back to the precinct," Cragen stated.

Ms. Morino's eyes narrowed, and Olivia led her over to a couple of chairs in the corner of a waiting room.

"Ms. Morino, I am so sorry for what happened to Trevor. The man who attacked him was a client of his whom we prosecuted for three counts of rape ten years ago. He was released from prison on Friday on parole and this appears to have been a revenge attack," Olivia explained.

"What happened? How could this happen?" she asked, covering her mouth with both hands.

"It appears that the suspect set up a meeting with Trevor for today, knowing the office would be empty. Does Trevor usually meet with clients on Sundays?"

"It's rare," Ms. Morino replied. "I'm a corporate attorney in a bank in Rockefeller Center. I work 90-hour weeks, and so does Trev. We were trying to pay for our wedding in September and a month-long honeymoon, and start a family. We try to spend Sundays together, because sometimes we barely see each other during the week."

"Do you know when Trevor set up the meeting?"

Ms. Morino shook her head. "He just told me this morning that he had to go out to meet a client for a couple of hours and that he would call me when he was done. We planned to get a late lunch and go to the farmer's market, but your Captain called me from the hospital instead."

"What time did he leave this morning?"

"Around 10. We… made love this morning. We're trying to have a baby, and I'm supposed to be ovulating, so…" she covered her mouth again. "You didn't need to know that. I'm sorry."

Olivia shook her head, then glanced over and noticed Alex stalking up to Cragen, closely followed by Munch and Fin. "It's fine. But, um, just so you know, Trevor is probably going to be in a bit of shock for a while due to the attack. We'll give you some resources, but you might want to get some couples' counselling to cope with the healing process, and maybe even discuss pushing back conception for a while," Olivia said.

"I'll make my family planning decisions with my fiancé," Ms. Morino snapped. "Your advice is neither wanted nor appreciated on this matter."

"Understood," Olivia said.

Alex walked over, her black heels clicking against the tile floor. She was dressed casually, her attaché bag slung over her shoulder. Olivia smiled at her, noticing that even though Alyssa Morino had a similar build and haircut, and was blonde with blue eyes, Alex was a million times prettier than Trevor's girlfriend. It must be the glasses of justice, she thought.

Alex stopped in front of them, a serious look in her eyes, and held out her hand. "Ms. Morino, I'm so sorry we have to meet under these circumstances. I'm Executive Assistant District Attorney Alexandra Cabot, and I'll be prosecuting your fiancé's attacker. I —"

"I know who you are," Ms. Morino said, standing, almost toe-to-toe with Alex. She was shorter, too, even without heels. "I want you to stay away from Trevor."

Alex dropped her hand and folded her arms across her chest, assessing the woman in front of her. "That won't be possible, Ms. Morino, because this is my case. Just so we're clear, I've never had any romantic feelings for your fiancé —"

"Alex, you don't have to explain—" Olivia interrupted, and Alex put up her hand to silence her.

"Ms. Morino, Trevor and I have a purely professional relationship that goes back over 15 years. We went to college and law school together. We went on two dates in law school, and he kissed me once. That's everything that's ever happened between us, aside from some work-related lunches and meetings over the years. Most importantly, I'm a lesbian, and I'm blissfully happy in my relationship, so I'm no threat to you. I consider Trevor a good friend and respected colleague, nothing more. And I assure you that nobody will take more pleasure in putting Damian Harding back in prison more than I will. Are we clear?"

Alex looked over her glasses down at the smaller woman, who nodded and sat back down.

"Excellent. In that case, I'd like to get on with doing my job. I've instructed my detectives that all resources are at their disposal to apprehend the perpetrator."

"All of this for an assault? I know Trev's a defense attorney, and I want the guy in jail too, but I'm surprised you're able to commandeer that many resources for an assault charge."

Alex raised an eyebrow at Olivia, almost imperceptibly, and Olivia shook her head. "Mr. Harding took a plea ten years ago on three counts of Rape 2, after brutalising half a dozen women. He was released on Friday and has already violated his parole, in addition to assaulting an officer of the court. Aside from the attack on Trevor, we're concerned that he may have picked up some new tricks in prison and that he may attack more women. We consider him violent and an imminent threat." Alex explained. "Ms. Morino, if you don't mind, I'd like a word with my detective."

Ms. Morino nodded, and Alex pulled Olivia around the corner.

"They didn't get al-Masri," Alex said, letting out a sigh. "They got there too late."

"I know, Alex. I'm sorry," Olivia said, caressing her upper arm. "We'll talk about that later?"

Alex nodded, then motioned at Ms. Morino with her head. "She doesn't know?"

Olivia shook her head. "Trevor told me explicitly not to tell her. Good save, by the way. Elliot's in there taking his statement. He didn't want to talk in front of me."

Alex nodded. "I'm not surprised that she isn't my biggest fan. It's not going to go over well when she finds out I knew about the rape before she did. But I guess that's Trevor's problem. Let's see if we can go in to talk to him," Alex said, knocking on the door.

Ms. Morino rushed over to follow them in. "Are you done in there?" she asked.

Alex looked at Trevor, who shook his head. "You'll need to give us a few more minutes, then he should be okay to go home with you," Alex said.

"Trevor," Alex said gently. "How are you doing?"

Trevor shrugged and looked away, his eyes tearing up.

"You did good, Trevor," Elliot reassured him. "We're gonna get him. You call us if you think of anything else, okay? You have my number."

Trevor nodded. "Thank you. I will."

"Can I talk to you for a minute, Trevor?" Alex asked, and he nodded, as Elliot and Olivia stepped outside, and had to stop Ms. Morino from entering.

"Trevor, I'm so sorry this happened," Alex said. "I know this isn't easy. Is there anything I can do for you?"

Trevor shook his head, turning red. "We'll have some trials to postpone. I'll have my secretary take care of that."

Alex nodded. "That's not really what I meant," she said. "Are you going to tell Alyssa what happened?"

Trevor shrugged and looked away again, a pained look on his face. "How can I tell her that? We're supposed to be having a baby. And now I have to take HIV meds for the next month until we find out if Harding was HIV negative, and how am I supposed to…?"

"Trev, it's going to take some time," Alex said. "She can't be supportive if she doesn't know what happened. You're getting married in September, aren't you?"

"Yeah," Trevor said. "That's the plan. Congratulations to you, too, by the way. I heard through the courthouse grapevine on Saturday."

Alex smiled gently. "Thank you. Trevor, I just want to say this. You're one of very few people who know what happened to me. And you live in this world. You know what happens to victims of sexual violence. It takes a lot to heal, Trevor. She can't help you if she doesn't know what happened. I know it's hard, but the longer you keep this a secret from her, the harder it's going to be. Not to mention - you know she doesn't like me already. How do you think she's going to feel when she finds out that I knew before she did?"

Alex stood up and held out her hand, to squeeze Trevor's. "You're going to get through this. Let me know if you need anything, okay? And I'll let you know the second we get the bastard."

Alex stood up and left the room, holding the door open as Ms. Morino brushed by her on the way in. The two women locked eyes, staring at each other and turning their heads, as Alex held open the door for Trevor's fiancée and nodded curtly.

Elliot and Olivia were sitting in the waiting room, going over Trevor's statement when Alex walked over. "So, what we don't know," Elliot was saying, "is what was planned, and what was spontaneous. He came with a gun, but it's unclear if he just grabbed the photo off of Trevor's desk to torment Trevor, or if the attack was provoked when he thought it was Alex in the picture."

"Believing your defense attorney was sleeping with the prosecutor makes for one hell of a motive," Olivia said grimly. She looked at Alex. "We don't think anyone else is in danger, but I called Abbie and told her me and Elliot will drive both her and Rym home. They've turned on the alarm and everyone is staying put."

Elliot looked at Olivia. "Alex should know…" He paused and blushed, while Olivia gritted her teeth. "Apparently, Harding pulled a photo of Trevor and Alyssa off of his desk. It's a profile picture, so… at first, Harding thought it was you. He made vulgar comments about you during the assault. When Trevor corrected him and said it was his fiancée Alyssa, Harding asked Trevor if he had a thing for you, and told him to imagine it was you, while he forced him to submit to oral sex."

Alex gritted her teeth and nodded. "Charming." she said, looking at Olivia. She rubbed her temple. "I guess that explains why Trevor wouldn't look me in the eye when I went in there."

"And didn't want me present for the interview," Olivia added. "I mean, I can't say Trevor's ever been my favourite. Now I'd really like to castrate this guy myself with a rusty fork."

"I just don't want that to get him an insanity defense - that he thought Trevor and I had conspired against him and he snapped. Doesn't have to be true for a jury to believe it," Alex said. She pulled out her phone and shot off a text message. _Trev, if I had a dollar for every vulgar statement a perp or a suspect made about me, SVU would be completely self-funded. It's not your fault, so don't beat yourself up. Take care and let me know if you need anything. - A_

"Let's get you gals home," Elliot said. "You ready?"

Olivia reached for Alex's hand as they walked toward the squad car, and squeezed it, then opted to get in the back seat with her rather than sitting up front with Elliot.

Before buckling his seatbelt, he reached over under the passenger seat and pulled out a bag with a wrapped gift, and handed it back to Alex.

"I'm not sure if now is the best time, but I got you an engagement present," he said. "Congratulations." Elliot paused. "And I've already told Liv the same thing, but I'll tell you too. You hurt her… and you're going to have to answer to me."

Alex looked at Olivia and slowly unwrapped the flat package, revealing a frame with what appeared to be religious artwork.

"It's Saint Michael, the patron saint of police officers," Olivia said, pointing at one side of the image. "Who's the other one?" she asked, looking at Elliot.

Elliot looked back at her through the rearview mirror. "Saint Thomas More, patron saint of attorneys," he explained.

"And a martyr," Alex said. "Thank you, Elliot. That was really thoughtful of you."


	28. Chapter 28

Alex sighed as she followed Olivia into the apartment, kicking off her heels at the door and letting her attaché bag slide off her shoulder and onto the floor.

"Something smells good," Olivia said, moving towards the kitchen.

"Hey," Abbie said, wiping her hands on a kitchen towel. "How'd it go?"

"Fine," Alex said, lost in thought.

"Cragen called me and told us to stay put until some unis could drive us home, so we raided your kitchen cabinets and Rym showed us how to make a Tunisian dish, brique. What's going on?"

"We can't talk about the case," Alex said. "But I'm sure you'll find out about it in the papers within the next few days. One of the perps we prosecuted who just got out on parole attacked someone involved with the original case."

"And Alex doesn't want a security detail," Elliot said.

Alex snuffed air out of her nose. "Detective, did the victim state that the perp made a direct threat to me or to anyone else involved with the case?"

"No," Elliot said. "But he thought you were in that picture."

"While in the context of a committing further violence - violence for which I've prosecuted him before - he mistook a blonde-haired, blue-eyed woman for me and said my name. That's nothing. It's less than nothing. We've got plenty to lock him up for parole violations, and once the DNA comes back on the rape kit, I'll prosecute him again, and this time he'll go away for 25 years. But without evidence of any kind of threat, the fact that he went after another person involved in the case isn't sufficient for assuming he'll go after me or anyone else. Defense attorneys are far more likely to be attacked by their clients, statistically, than prosecutors by criminal defendants."

"Do you really want to play those odds again, Alex?" Elliot asked.

Alex stared back at him, unflinching. "Two unis parked outside, door codes, a doorman, a locked entrance, and he needs a key in the elevator to even get up to this floor. Plus a steel reinforced door, three deadbolts, a security system, and a detective sleeping beside me. It is safe here. Just - go get him. Then we won't have anything to worry about."

Elliot nodded. "Munch and Fin are dumping his phones and checking with his parole officer. They'll call when they track him down. He's gotta sleep somewhere."

Alex nodded. "Okay. Why don't we eat dinner before it gets cold, and then you can drive Abbie and Rym home."

"This is delicious," Olivia said. "Abbie, you'll be cooking for us every day that you watch Safa, right?"

"We expect dinner on the table at 7," Alex added, her eyes twinkling, and Abbie threw a napkin at her.

"How did she do today?" Olivia asked, looking from Rym to Abbie and back.

"She was fine. Quiet. We played some games, and she did some games on the iPad. Rym and I got to know each other while she rested," Abbie said, and Rym blushed. "I told her that tomorrow I'll take her to the park in the afternoon. There's a concert over at the pavilion near 72nd street if we make it that far."

When Elliot took Rym and Abbie home, Olivia cleaned the kitchen, aware that Alex always like to have the countertops cleaned before the cleaning lady came on Mondays.

Sarah had retreated to her room shortly after dinner, so Alex went back to knock on her door. Aside from a few encounters with Rym, Safa, and Abbie in the living room, and one game of Sorry that Abbie had convinced her to play, Sarah had spent most of the afternoon in her room, reading or on the internet. Being out in the living room with Safa and the two women, both of whom she barely knew, one of whom was her teacher, made her feel insecure and shy. She knew she wasn't helping in Safa's case or anything, and felt slightly awkward, especially when Alex and Olivia weren’t there.

"Sarah, sweetheart, can I come in? I brought you some tea," Alex asked, opening the door when she heard Sarah mumble, 'sure.' Sarah was laying down in bed, a book pushed under her pillow. "Can I sit?" she asked, when no offer was forthcoming.

Sarah nodded and Alex sat on the edge of the bed, handing Sarah a mug of peppermint tea. She took a sip of her own and set it down on the night table.

"I'm sorry I wasn't able to take you for coffee today like I promised," Alex said. "Unfortunately it was a serious case and I had to be there."

"Yeah, uh, it's okay. Don't worry about it," Sarah said, sitting up and leaning back against the headboard.

"Do you have some time to talk now?" Alex asked. "I would like to hear how things are going with you," she offered. "Did you have a good time last night?"

Sarah blushed and nodded, pulling her knees up to her chest and putting her arms around them. "Yeah, I did. I went to a party on campus with Jake. I didn't drink," she said quickly.

Alex smiled. "I didn't ask that, Sarah," she said gently.

"It was a birthday party for a girl I knew from Lit Hum," she said. "Just a few friends. Then we went back to Jake's for a bit and then he walked me back here."

"That sounds fun. When are we going to get to meet this Jake?" she asked. "Do you want to invite him over for dinner some night?"

Sarah swallowed. "I can do that. I think he's… intimidated."

"Hmm," Alex hummed. "Why, is he doing something illegal?" she asked, raising an eyebrow. "I'm kidding, Sarah. You can tell him we don't bite and we'd be happy to meet the young man who is taking up so much of your time."

"I really like him," Sarah said.

"Yeah? What makes him so special?" Alex asked, tilting her head.

"He's interesting to talk to. We have a lot in common. He's really sensitive and sweet," Sarah said. She looked away. "I still haven't told him yet, though."

Alex reached out to take Sarah's hand. "If he's really sensitive and sweet, it shouldn't be a problem, right?"

Sarah shrugged. "How do I tell him?" she asked. "I still don't know how to bring it up."

Alex leaned forward, her elbows on her knees, folding her hands together. "I think that's a conversation to have with him privately, in person, at a time you plan in advance. You plan to meet for coffee, or a walk in the park, or something, and tell him there's something you want to talk about with him." She paused. "If you wait for a good time to bring it up… it's really easy to keep putting it off. I know this is going to be a difficult conversation for you to have."

Sarah nodded.

"Do you want to take a stab at what you'll say?" Alex asked gently, studying Sarah. Alex could practically feel the knots in Sarah's stomach twisting.

"Okay," Sarah said. "But I'm not really sure what to say other than, 'I was raped.' And it's not like I can just blurt that out."

"I think it might be good to get a little more specific. Why are you telling him?"

"Because I feel like I should before we try to have sex," she mumbled. "Because I don't want him to go too fast."

"What about 'because you trust him'?" Alex suggested. "Or, 'because your physical relationship is developing and you want to talk about some things before you take the next steps?"

"I guess," Sarah said. She took a deep breath. "How about, 'Jake, I wanted to talk to you about something before… we go any further in our physical relationship. I was raped.'"

"I think this will be easier on you - on both of you - if you give him as much information as you can before he asks any questions. You don't want it to feel like an interrogation, you want to keep control of the conversation." Alex said. "There are three things he needs to know: 1) what happened, 2) why you're telling him, and 3) how it affects your relationship going forward. I think you can be a little more specific: 'I want to talk to you about something that happened to me before we go further in our physical relationship. When I was a freshman in high school, I was raped at a school dance by an older student.'"

Sarah swallowed. "That's good. Then, maybe, something like, 'I had a really hard time after that, and I've, um, I've got some scars. I haven't done anything… you're my first boyfriend since it happened. So, I wanted to tell you this before you, uh, see me. And to explain why I'm a little nervous about going further."

"That sounds good to me. How does it feel?" Alex asked, reaching for a legal pad on Sarah's desk to write down what they'd said.

"I think it's good." Sarah said, looking down. She looked off to the side and blinked back tears.

"Sarah, I want you to know that no matter what he says, he does not have a right to any more information than what you're comfortable telling him," Alex said, brushing a tear off of Sarah's cheek. "You do not have to give him any details about your assault or what your rapist did. You do not have to share anything about the court case or your healing process. You do not have to talk about any physical relationships you had before, or since. And I hope it goes without saying that you do not have to present proof or evidence that what happened was rape. If he says something or asks something that you don't want to talk about or that makes you uncomfortable, you can say, 'That's private and I'd rather not discuss it,' or 'I'd prefer not to talk about that right now.'"

"Thank you," Sarah whispered.

Alex sat for a moment, writing down more notes on the legal pad. "Now, Sarah," Alex said gently. "You've made your opening statement. If he's the perfect gentleman and says the exact right thing to comfort you, what will he say?"

Sarah shook her head and swallowed tears. "He would, uh, take my hand. And he'd say—" she took a deep breath. "Something like, 'Thank you for telling me and for trusting me. I'm so sorry that happened to you. What can I do to help?'" She wiped away a tear. "But I don't think he'll say that."

Alex smiled at her and squeezed her hand again. She didn't think Jake would say that either - that was Olivia-level emotional maturity. It would be surprising coming from a 21 year old boy. She bit her lip and took a deep breath before asking the next question. "And what's the thing you're most afraid that he'll say?" she asked quietly, giving Sarah time.

Sarah hugged her knees in closer to her chest and put her head down, and began to cry. Alex put the legal pad on the night table and sat in closer, putting an arm around her and rubbing her back. After a minute, Sarah turned her head to the side facing Alex, but kept her eyes closed. Alex wiped one with her thumb.

"He'd say… that I'm disgusting and that he doesn't want to touch me," she said, barely audible.

"Sarah, sweetheart, is that true?" Alex asked, alternating between running her fingers through Sarah's hair and rubbing her back.

"Is what true? That that's what I'm afraid he'll say?"

"Is it true that you're disgusting?" Alex asked, and Sarah shrugged. "Why? How do you know that's true?"

When Sarah didn't answer, Alex began asking further questions, pausing in between each one to wait for Sarah's answer. "Are you disgusting because you were the victim of a violent crime? Or because it was a sexual violation? Because of how your body reacted? If you had had sex with someone instead of being raped, and Jake wasn't going to be your first, would that have made you disgusting?"

Sarah shook her head at each question, too choked up to speak.

"You must have some idea," Alex said, considering her next questions. "I do have some experience cross-examining these destructive negative thoughts," she admitted. "These are the lies that fear tells you after trauma. None of it is true."

"I wish I could more like you," Sarah said quietly. "You..."

Alex held up her hand to stop her. "Sarah, being me is already taken, and it took years for me to want to just be me. How about you try to be more like you?" She suggested. "As someone who's been a lot of different people, I promise it will work out better for you."

"I just mean that you're brave, and I... don't think I can be." Sarah lamented.

"It takes practice," Alex said. "What better time to start than now?"

"Tomorrow?" Sarah said, and Alex chuckled.

"I think having this conversation with Jake is a good start," Alex said. "You still haven't answered my question, though, about what's disgusting."

"The rape was disgusting," Sarah said softly.

"Ah," Alex said, nodding. "Do you… think that having sex could be disgusting?"

Sarah looked down at her cuticles.

"Sweetheart, you're not going to get very far if you think sex is disgusting," Alex said. "Is it having sex, or having sex after being raped?"

"I don't know," Sarah whispered. "I don't know how to tell the difference."

"Sarah, look at me," Alex said. "The difference is whether you want it, and how you feel about it. And how you feel about the person you're doing it with. Sex can be painful, and degrading, and humiliating if it's not something you want. You and I have both experienced that, and it's what we see every day at SVU. Sometimes people want sex and consent, but they're using it as a weapon against themselves - a way to self-harm by being with a partner who doesn't respect them or who hurts them. Sometimes it's a habit, or a drug people use to numb themselves, or a release, or an obligation, or a fun time. And sometimes, it can be a way to share intimacy, or a beautiful gift that you give to someone special." Alex blushed as she said the last part.

"So which one is it for you?" Sarah retorted.

Alex turned red. "Sarah, we are NOT talking about my sex life," she said firmly. "But I think, for most women, sex is most or even all of those things at one point or another. You're an adult woman, and it's normal for you to want and enjoy sex. For any of those reasons."

"I always thought… I want it to be the last one." Sarah said.

"A gift?" Alex clarified, and Sarah nodded, blushing. "Well, I think that puts a lot of pressure on the beginning of your first relationship, don't you?"

Sarah shrugged. "I guess."

"Sweetheart, what are you hoping to get out of having sex?" Alex asked, tucking Sarah's hair behind her ear. "How do you want to feel during and afterwards?"

"Safe," Sarah said, and Alex nodded. “Normal. Cared for. I want it to feel good, so I don’t feel gross.”

"Okay. So, focus on how you can feel that, and how Jake can help you to feel that way. Think about what it means to feel ‘normal.’ And maybe journal or do some healing exercises on some of these other things we talked about."

Sarah nodded.

"And Sarah?" Alex said, kissing the girl on the forehead, before she left the room. "Thank you for trusting me. I know that wasn't easy for you."

**********

Alex rinsed off quickly in the shower in the master bath, removing her cup, and washing it and herself. She left it on the sink to dry. Alex hated having to be in court when she had her period.

Once she had applied a pad, put on her pyjamas, and brushed her teeth, she crawled into bed next to Olivia, and leaned over to kiss her.

"Hi sweetie," Olivia said, closing her book and turning towards Alex, kissing back. "How are you doing, love?"

Alex shrugged. "Long day," she said, putting her arms around Olivia and breathing in her scent from her neck. She pressed gentle kisses up and down Olivia's chin and neck. "I love you, Olivia."

Olivia moaned softly. "I love you too, Alexandra," she whispered.

Alex took control of Olivia's mouth and rolled her onto her back, continuing to kiss her from above as she settled on to her lover's body. She used one hand to run her fingers through Olivia's hair while the other hand held her cheek as they kissed. As she ended a deep kiss, Alex put both of her hands in Olivia's hair and used her elbows to push herself up, just above Olivia's face, and looked into her eyes.

"I love you so much," she said, feeling tears form. "And I am so lucky and so grateful that you've been with me and taught me everything I know about lovemaking," she whispered. “And that I’ve had you to love me and help me recover after... everything that’s happened to me. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you.”

Olivia tangled her fingers in Alex's hair and looked back into her eyes. "Lex, sweetie," she whispered, pecking Alex on the lips. "Everything I know about lovemaking I learned from you, too."

And, arms around each other, they went to sleep.


	29. Chapter 29

“Dr. Huang, good to see you," Alex said. Since nobody else had arrived in the observation room yet, she gave him a kiss on the cheek. "And congratulations," she said, smiling.

George nodded. "Thank you. How'd you hear?" He asked.

"Facebook," she said. "I may never post, but I'm a regular lurker."

"Congratulations to you and Olivia too," he replied. "It was courthouse and precinct gossip before the end of the day on Friday. You both deserve every happiness."

Alex nodded. "Thank you, George."

"So what are we doing today, Alex?" He asked.

"Liv and I would like you to observe Safa with us and see if you can get a read. We're... having trouble separating our feelings from what's best for her and for her baby."

"Because you want a baby?" George asked. Alex hesitated. "It's okay, Alex. I'm not here to judge you."

Alex swallowed. "Before we met Safa, Olivia and I had resigned ourselves to the idea that we would never be parents. Neither of us is able to have a child naturally, and we've been turned down for adoption. Safa has asked us twice now to keep her baby. She thought she was going to die in childbirth, and then she thought she was going to have to live somewhere and, um, prostitute herself to pay for living expenses for herself and the baby. She thought that was why we were opening her scar." Alex explained. "So, we tried to explain foster care and that she'd be taken care of too, but I'm not sure she understands the concept. The last thing we want is to take advantage of her ignorance and to manipulate her because of what we have so desperately wanted."

"She probably doesn't understand," George said. "In most parts of the world, including New York, orphans and single mothers are disadvantaged and have to turn to sex work to make ends meet. Where she comes from, girls are married off young so they aren't a burden on their parents."

"I know," Alex said. "We want to tell the social worker she can stay with us indefinitely. I've got the paperwork ready to file so we can become foster parents, but we want to know if it's a good idea. So far, Safa has been so compliant and easy-going, but at the same time, she's been through a lot of trauma."

"It's a lot more difficult to adopt an older child than a baby," George said. "But even if you adopted a baby, there are no guarantees in parenting. You know that, Alex."

"I don't know if we're ready," Alex admitted. "We know the foster care system won't be great for her, but will we, especially with our jobs?"

"Alex, you know that your jobs make you far more equipped to deal with her trauma than most foster parents would be. But what about the baby?"

"As the birth mother, Safa can choose who adopts her baby. She claims she wants us to, but is it really the best thing for her to be living with her baby as a sibling? If we were to take both of them, would our attention on the baby prevent us from giving Safa enough attention and help? And if not, is it better to keep her with us because we can understand her trauma, or the baby because that's what she wants? We've tried so hard to have a child that your perspective will go a long way in helping us make the right decision. She's never really gotten to be a kid, George."

George nodded. "Go draw with her. Talk to her. I'll let you know what I think. But the fact you're worrying about all of these things already, Alex, tells me you're ready to put her best interests first."

Alex nodded and entered the children's interrogation room, where Rym and Safa were already waiting. She slipped off her high heels and sat down at the little table, then leaned over to kiss Safa on the cheek, Safa blushed and looked down.

"Hi Rym," she said. "Thank you for coming."

"You're welcome," Rym replied.

Olivia entered the room a moment later and kissed Alex on the cheek, then smiled at Safa and put her hand on the girl's back, before sitting down on her other side.

George observed through the glass as the women played a game of Memory with Safa, the same game they had taught her the night they met in the hospital. When they had finished, Olivia reached over into a basket and picked out a doll with long brown hair, and began running her fingers through its hair. Safa looked in the basket and picked up a baby doll, holding it at arms' length. She bit her lip, and looked at Olivia and then to Alex.

Alex smiled at Safa, as Olivia sat the long-haired doll on her lap and began braiding its hair. "What's her name?" Alex asked Safa, motioning to Olivia's doll.

"Ismouha Sofia," Safa replied, as Rym translated. She brought the baby doll closer to her chest, examining its face, as she leaned against Alex.

"What does Sofia like to do?" Olivia asked.

"She likes it when you brush her hair like that. She wants to go to school. Alex, will you read her a story?" she asked, picking up one of the books on the shelf and holding it upside-down.

"Of course," Alex said, turning the book the right way. "Does Sofia like reading stories?"

"She likes when you read to her," Safa explained. "She says it helps her heart to feel calm. My mama used to tell me stories, but she didn't read them. She remembered them. And she would tell me part of a story every night before I went to sleep."

"What else did your mama do with you?"

"She used to sing me songs. Sometimes in the mornings she would bring me a cake with pistachios and honey for no reason. And when she brought me to the hammam to wash she would put rose oil on me so I would smell like her."

Alex smiled gently at her and touched her arm. "When I was little, sometimes my mama would let me wear some of her perfume after I took a bath. I still have some that I smell when I miss her."

"I miss my mama," Safa said quietly. "but you're nice to me just like she was."

George opened the door to the interview room, and Safa look up. She froze and dropped the doll, then slowly backed behind Olivia, as George walked slowly towards the table.

"Safa, this is my friend George. He's here to help us. Can he sit with us?" Alex asked. Safa examined him, then looked at Alex for reassurance.

"I'd like to hear Alex's story," George said. "If that's okay with you?"

Safa lowered her head and her eyes, changing her body language. Alex moved Safa's chair right next to her to share the story, but Safa surprised her by going between Alex's legs, perching on one thigh as she leaned in towards Alex's shoulder. Alex wrapped her arm around, such that Safa was standing between her legs protected by Alex's arms holding the book.

Alex read Madeleine, complete with French accent, pointing out the pictures to Safa, as the girl held the baby doll under her chin, distractedly, by one arm. When Alex finished the story and closed the book, Safa gave her the doll, pressing it to Alex's chest.

"Did you like the story, Safa?" George asked, kindly, keeping his voice low.

Safa nodded, without looking at him, then took both of Alex's hands in hers and placed them on her stomach. Alex looked at her, touching as gently as she could. "Are you okay, Safa?" she asked softly, trying to read the girl's expression.

"The baby is scared to come out," Safa whispered into Alex's neck.

Alex nodded. "Are you scared for the baby to come out?"

Safa nodded, and sniffled, keeping her hands on Alex's.

"Hey, look at me," Alex said, bringing one hand up to turn Safa's cheek towards her. "I know it's scary, but I am going to be there to hold your hand. And so is Olivia," she said. "And so is a doctor. And we will do our best so that nothing bad happens."

"Were you scared?" Safa asked, and Alex reflected, then nodded.

"A little bit," she admitted. "But I had Olivia to hold my hand. She was there to protect me and she made me feel better."

Olivia bit her lip and looked down at her hands, not sure that was really true, and Alex reached over to squeeze her hand.

"Let's do some drawing," Olivia proposed, handing Safa a sheet of paper and pulling out the crayons. "Can you draw me a picture of you after the baby is born?"

Olivia took a sheet of paper and began to sketch a portrait of Safa, while Alex, the less artistically inclined in the group, made some abstract shapes in various colours. She tried not to watch as Safa drew, although she couldn't help but notice Safa's motor skills were far below her age. Olivia doubted Safa had had many opportunities to color before, but she bit her lip in concentration, smiling as she gripped the crayon with her hand.

Safa drew a picture of herself at what looked vaguely like a playground, complete with clouds and a figure floating in the sky.

"Safa, that's a beautiful picture," George said. "Can you tell me about it?"

Safa had managed to relax a bit in his presence, after Rym had reassured her that he was gentle. She had also forgotten, more or less, that he was there, focused on her drawing.

Safa nodded and pointed at herself, on the swing, with Olivia behind her, pushing, a figure with blonde hair, Alex, was wearing a suit, and had a big heart in front of her chest.

"Can you tell me about the clouds?" George asked, and Safa swallowed, pointing to the figure in the sky. "That's my angel mama," she said softly. "She's helping Olivia and Alex to protect me from the men."

"And what are these?" George asked, point to one of three bird-like creatures - at least that's what he thought they were - up in the clouds too.

"That's the baby," she said, pointing to one of them.

"This baby?" He asked, gesturing to Safa's stomach.

Safa nodded. "And these ones," she said, pointing at the others, "are Alex's babies."

"First she thought she was going to die, now it's her baby," Alex mused. "Is that fear? Or does she think they can't coexist somehow?"

"I don't know," George said. "I think it would be safe to say that she doesn't see herself caring for this child or even having the baby around after its birth. She doesn't feel a connection to it - probably a combination of the coping mechanisms she's been using to protect herself during the years she was abused, and not being able to see herself as a mother. In polygamous cultures like her own, it may also be that she expected that her baby would be cared for by someone else, like an older woman or a mother-in-law. The matriarch would be in charge of what happened to the baby, not its mother."

"So do you think it's best if the child gets put up for adoption?" Olivia asked. They were standing outside the interview room, where Safa continued to play.

"What's interesting is that instead of seeing herself as the baby's protector - or even you and Olivia - she sees the baby as her protector. And in a way, she's right. Her pregnancy is what triggered meeting you, and the investigation that removed her from her abuser. I don't think she's scared of giving birth so much as she's afraid of what's going to happen once she's no longer pregnant. Women in her culture are safer when they're pregnant with potential sons. She may believe she's disposable once the baby is born."

"How awful," Alex said, shaking her head. "We have to reassure her that we care about what happens to her."

George held up the picture. "Alex, how did Safa know about your losses? It's clear she identifies very strongly with you in this picture."

Alex swallowed. "She found pictures at the apartment. There are some on my desk and a photo album in the library, where she's been staying. But the first time I met her, in the hospital, she touched my stomach and seemed like she was asking me if I'd ever had children, and I told her no."

"She seems to have a very strong intuition," George said. "Since she doesn't speak English, she's had to rely on nonverbal cues and how people 'feel' to her. She hid behind Olivia when I entered the room - she's identifed you, Liv, as a person who will keep her safe. But Alex is the one she turns to for reassurance and to make her feel better. It's almost as though she feels that, you, Alex, have shared pain with her. Olivia is her protector, and you, Alex, are her healer."

"Healer?" Alex asked, taken aback.

"Don't sound so surprised, Alex," George said, patting her shoulder. "Or concerned. I don't mean that you need to fix her, or be her therapist, or anything like that."

"That sounds... like a lot of responsibility," Alex said.

"It's not," George said. "She still has to do the work. Just like you have, I might add. Alex, you've been healing from some incredibly painful experiences over the past few years. Your progress has been remarkable. I have a strong intuition too - I've noticed the changes in you. And as your friend, I'm proud of you."

Alex shifted uncomfortably, and swallowed, and Olivia touched her arm. "I've got a very expensive therapist," she said, finally.

"Alex, you know it's not about that," George said.

"So what do we do?" Olivia asked.

"Olivia, you already know what to do," George reassured her, smiling. "You give her a safe space. You help her to feel her feelings and to describe what happened to her. You continue to show her affection. You both already know how to do this. I don't know why you're asking me."

"What I don't understand," Alex said, "is why, out of all the cases we've prosecuted over the years, why this girl? Why now?"

"Because we had just admitted we were done looking at other options to become parents," Olivia said quietly.

"The timing was right for a girl who very desperately needs a safe home, without men, and two kind, loving women who are both in a unique position to help her through her trauma," George said. "Trust yourselves. I'm just confirming what you already know."

Cragen knocked on the door and stuck his head in. "Detective, a word?"

Olivia kissed Alex on the cheek and squeezed her hand, then nodded at George before following Cragen into his office.

The Captain closed the door behind her and sat against the edge of his desk. "Olivia, sit down."

Olivia looked around, nervously. "Relax, you're not in trouble. I've got some updates on Safa's case."

"But Al-Masri got away," Olivia said.

Cragen nodded. "I'm talking about the acid attack. We found the guy. It was Mrs. Hassan's oldest son, Kader."

"Why?" Olivia asked. "I thought Mrs. Hassan was the one teaching Safa some English and giving her cookies."

"She was. And Kader was never there when the detectives interviewed her, because he's 21 and lives on his own. But it turns out that he and Miriam were seeing each other. As we suspected, Miriam was al-Masri's first wife. According to her passport, she turned 17 in March. Apparently Al-Masri didn't keep her on a tight leash like he did with Safa, and she was from Oman, not Egypt. According to the doctor, female genital mutilation is less common there. When al-Masri found out that Miriam was spending time with a young man, he brought Miriam to be infibulated."

"To punish her. Control her sexuality," Olivia said, shaking her head. "I take it they blamed Safa for what happened?"

Cragen nodded. "Kader said that Miriam blamed Safa, because al-Masri wouldn't have had the idea to have her mutilated if Safa hadn't been mutilated first. We know that Safa was mutilated before her mother died - and before she even met al-Masri. Her family was from Egypt, where it's much more common. And Kader also said Miriam suspected that Safa is the one who let it slip that she was spending time with him. According to him, Miriam planned the attack with him and got Safa to go to the bakery that morning for the attack. She told him they would run away together."

"Remember the Aziz case back from when Alex first started with SVU? Miriam could have been killed for less. Married off as a child, sexually abused from god knows what age, then mutilated because she dared to talk to a man. No wonder Miriam wanted revenge. Did she confirm his story? Maybe Alex will go easy on her in exchange for her testimony against Kader Hassan."

Cragen looked down at his desk. "Munch and Fin found Miriam al-Masri's body this morning. ME puts the time of death on Saturday night, before al-Masri's plane left. She was raped, repeatedly, and her throat was slit."

"Slit throat sounds like an honour killing. Feds let him go and gave him enough time to clean up loose ends before he got on that plane. Bastard's going to get away with murder," Olivia said. "Alex is going to have a fit."

Cragen nodded. "Unless al-Masri had an accomplice and we can prove it, he will."

"She'll argue the Feds were the accomplices and try to charge them with facilitation. Alex got the call 35 minutes before the plane was supposed to take off, from a guy in the State department who stuck his neck out and made a courtesy call. They cut him loose and were never going to let us get him."

"We can't prove beyond a reasonable doubt in a court of law that al-Masri is even guilty, since we can't arrest him. She's not going to be able to pursue facilitation of a murder without charging someone with the actual murder."

"So everyone gets away with it," Olivia said. "And Safa suffers the consequences for the rest of her life."

"And Safa gets a new start, in foster care, with two phenomenal women who are going to protect her, and a whole police precinct that wants to keep her safe. Olivia, you know that we can't always get justice for the victims. But that makes her one of the lucky ones."

Olivia swallowed the lump that was forming in her throat, and spoke sadly. "I guess I'll go tell her how lucky she is."


	30. Chapter 30

"Docket ending -1724, People v. Kader Hassan, one count aggravated assault in the first degree, how does the defendant plead?" Judge Ridenour asked from behind the bench at the arraignment.

"Not guilty, Your Honour," Hassan replied.

"Can I hear the People on bail?"

"The People request remand, Your Honour," Casey stated.

"On an assault charge?" Ridenour asked. "You've got to be kidding, Ms. Novak. You know better than that."

"The defendant is a dual citizen of Egypt with no significant ties to the community. Another young woman involved in the crime has been found raped and murdered, and the police are still investigating the circumstances of her death —"

"I don't see a murder charge, Ms. Novak."

"The police are still investigating the matter while we proceed with prosecuting the assault charge, but the defendant is a flight risk —"

"If and when you have enough to tack on a murder charge, I'll consider remand. Until then, bail is set at $10,000 cash or bond. Next case."

Casey sighed as she picked up her briefcase. She knew remand was a long shot to begin with, but so many things had gone wrong in this case already. Alex would be pissed.

Alex gave her a tight-lipped smile as she got up for her own arraignment.

"Docket ending -1725, People v. Andrew Keller, 4 counts murder in the first degree, 4 counts rape in the first degree, 4 counts breaking and entering, 4 counts possession of stolen property. How does the defendant plead?"

"Not guilty," Gina Renaldo declared for her client.

"Ms. Cabot, the People on bail?"

"I think the people of New York will sleep better if the defendant is remanded without bail."

"Ms. Rendaldo?"

"The defendant has strong ties to the community and has agreed to surrender his passport."

"Surrendering his passport may keep the women in *other countries* safe from Mr. Keller, but it doesn't keep the women of New York safe," Alex retorted.

"Agreed. Defendant is remanded into custody. Next case," Ridenour said.

"You weren't going to get remand on an assault charge, Casey. We can't even argue it's racially motivated or a hate crime, since they're from the same region. Even $10k is a lot for this case," Alex said, once they were outside the courtroom. "I doubt they can afford to pay it."

"I know, I just… feel bad for what happened to Miriam. And that we couldn't get al-Masri," Casey said, defeated.

"Do we have any reason to think Kader Hassan was involved with Miriam al-Masri's death? If we do, we should get more evidence before we take the assault to trial. Has the rape kit come back from the ME's office yet?"

Casey shook her head.

"Well, that's the place to start," Alex said, as Casey walked off.

"Alex," Barry Moredock called from across the hall, and Alex turned around to see the judge approaching her, with a familiar figure at his side. "Just the woman I was looking for. Do you have a minute?"

"Of course," Alex said, smiling, her expression otherwise inscrutable.

"We were just taking off for the weekend, but I was hoping to catch you on your way out. Alex Cabot, this is my wife, Dr. Caroline March," he said, motioning to Alex's therapist standing at his side. "Caroline, Alex was one of my brightest students at Harvard, and she's a fine prosecutor."

"Nice to meet you, Ms. Cabot," Dr. March said, extending her hand and smiling politely.

"Good to see you, Dr. March," Alex said, smiling as she shook the older woman's hand. She looked from Dr. March to Judge Moredock, who looked confused. "Well, I take it privilege remained in tact, then."

"You… know each other?" Judge Moredock asked.

Alex nodded. "Professionally," she explained, without elaborating.

"So you understand why I didn't want to accept your wedding invitation without discussing it with you first," Dr. March explained.

"I appreciate that," Alex said, suddenly feeling very vulnerable. She crossed her arms over her chest, and pushed them in against her solar plexus. "I wish I had known."

"Alex, I didn't know you were my wife's client until you just mentioned privilege," Barry said. "And she didn't know we knew each other, either. Privilege was in tact. And there's no shame in getting help, Alex. Between you and me, there are more than a few of our esteemed colleagues who could benefit from a good therapist."

Alex laughed. "That's true," she said. "I can think of a few. Well, in that case, Dr. Caroline, you'll attend the wedding as Barry's +1? That will keep my secret from everyone else."

"With pleasure," Caroline said. "You've done so well, Alex. I hope this doesn't make things awkward."

Alex shrugged. "I hope so, too."

"Well, Alex, before we take off, I was looking for you because I want to offer you a job." Barry explained the offer.

"I'm flattered," Alex said. "I would love to, but I'll have to see if it's feasible this year. Can you give me some time to think about it?"

"No rush, Alex. Discuss it with Detective Benson. I already mentioned it to Jack McCoy, and he thought you could make it work. Let me know sometime after the wedding. If this isn't the right time, I'm sure there will be another opportunity in the future."

"Thank you," Alex said. "I'll let you know. And have a good weekend. Happy 4th."

Alex dropped Safa's paperwork off at Family Court before it closed at noon, picked up some papers from her office, and arrived back home quickly. After changing out of her court clothes into jean capri pants, a tee-shirt, and sandals, she stuck a few last-minute items into her bag, and set it down by the door.

"Are you ready?" she called back towards the bedroom, where Abbie had been helping Safa pack for the long weekend on Martha's Vineyard. The plan was for Alex to drive up on Friday afternoon with Safa, Abbie, and Rym, where they would be joined by Bill's family, as well as Liz and Lena. Olivia had to finish her shift, and would drive up with Sarah and Jake in the morning.

Rym knocked on the door after the doorman buzzed her up, and Alex smiled as she let the shy woman in. "I'm so glad you're able to come with us this weekend," she said.

"Are you ready for the five-star accommodations at the Cabot estate?" Abbie asked, emerging from the back hallway with Safa's bag in hand. "Actually, the house is great - it's being surrounded by all those lawyers that'll get you in trouble. Don't forget, anything you say can and will be used against you."

Alex rolled her eyes. "You know, Abbie, you're welcome to stay in New York. Aren't you still looking for an apartment?"

Abbie shook her head. "Nah, I wouldn't miss this. I haven't been up there since Bill's wedding. I could do with a luxury vacation. And I doubt you're inviting us on your honeymoon."

Alex laughed and shook her head as they walked down to the parking garage to put the bags in the trunk. "I doubt there's going to be a honeymoon while we're taking care of Safa. We've got the 2 weeks after the wedding off but only because Langan rescheduled two trials with me and Liv has finally decided to start cashing in on 15 years of accumulated vacation time. I just lucked out that I've only got one trial before September."

"How's Trevor doing?" Abbie asked, climbing into the passenger seat. Alex raised an eyebrow. "What? Courthouse gossip. I've got friends besides you, you know. Did you really expect that a paroled rapist attacking his defense attorney wouldn't get around?"

Alex shrugged. "I haven't heard from him. I just know that he's taken a leave of absence. I don't blame him. That's going to be hard to come back from." She shook her head. "I can't tell you how much I'm going to enjoy putting that prick in prison."

The traffic was already picking up on I-95N, and they rode in silence for awhile, Alex turning on the radio to sync with a playlist of folk and jazz music on her phone. Alex mulled over lots of things: Barry Moredock's offer, the upcoming wedding, and Safa dozing in the back seat as she drove.

As they approached Providence, her thoughts were interrupted by a cell phone ringing with the FaceTime ringtone, and Rym having what sounded like a heated conversation in Arabic. She could pick out a few words that sounded French, but couldn't follow the bulk of the conversation, and occasionally looked discretely in the rearview mirror to check on Rym. The conversation finished just as they were pulling into the ferry at Wood's Hole, and Rym ended the call with a sigh, looking out the window.

Alex stopped in line to drive the car onto the boat, and checked the rearview mirror again. "Is everything okay?" she asked gently.

Rym took a deep breath and let it out. "That was just my little sister," she explained.

Alex nodded. "Let's go upstairs and find a table," she proposed. She opened the door for Safa, behind her, and took her hand, leading the group towards the galley. "The ferry leaves in 20 minutes and it'll take us just over an hour to get there, so we've got time," she told the group. She smiled at the waiter, and when he arrived, ordered two glasses of wine for herself and Abbie, and soft drinks for the other women.

Rym looked out the window. "It's beautiful here," she said. "I've never been here before."

"I grew up in Massachusetts," Alex explained. "I inherited my house here from my grandfather. I've spent nearly every summer here since I was a little girl. It's my favourite place in the world."

"Outside of a courtroom," Abbie quipped. "Alex's place is beautiful. And huge."

Alex studied Rym. "You didn't answer my question," she said, peering over her glass as she took her first sip of wine. "You don't have to if you don't want to, of course, but I'll rephrase: are you okay?"

Rym shrugged and sipped her drink. "I have 3 sisters. My youngest sister, Layla, is 22. She got married last month," Rym began. "That's why I came back early."

"I don't follow," Alex said. "You came back to New York early because your sister was getting married?"

Rym stirred the straw in her glass. "You know I left originally because my parents wanted me to get married. I refused because I wanted to continue my education first. My parents relented after I left, and my two middle sisters got their undergraduate degrees and then got married after graduation. They wanted to get married. Layla graduated last year, and then she did an internship. She's so bright. Her undergraduate degree was in international law, but she can't practice law or do anything unless she gets a master's, at least. In the French system that Tunisian schools follow, undergraduate studies are 3 years, a master's is 2 years, and a doctorate is 3 years."

Alex and Abbie nodded. "So, she still wants to go to school. She can't do that if she's married?" Abbie asked.

Rym bit her lip. "I knew they would pull something like this. I told her, and that's why I refused to go to the wedding. They promised her, and her fiancé promised her, that they agreed to allow her to finish school. That's what she wanted. Now they've decided that she shouldn't do her master's after all so she can start a family, so she'll be stuck with a virtually useless degree. I tried to warn her."

"I'm so sorry," Alex said. "Why would they do that to her?"

Rym shrugged and shook her head, tears in her eyes. "I don't know. Maybe they were punishing her for me leaving. I always encouraged her to study and told her she didn't need to get married so young if she didn't want to." She let out a breath and her voice started to shake, and Alex reached across the table to take her hand, and so did Abbie. After a moment, Safa added her hand as well, and the three women and the girl held hands in the middle of the table.

"Layla was little when I left, so she didn't understand why. My mother planned the wedding for when I was going to be visiting, and told them to keep it a secret. She asked me to take Layla to the doctor for her virginity test. I refused, and instead I took her to a clinic so she could get birth control if she wanted it, and I tried to talk her out of getting married. She thought it would make Mom and Dad happy so then she could go to school like she wanted. I told her I couldn't support the wedding and that I didn't think they were going to make good on their end of the bargain, and I changed my flight to come back two weeks early. She got married after I left. And I don't want to tell her 'I told you so,' but… now she's stuck."

Alex squeezed her hand and nodded slowly, taking in all of the information. "What can I do to help?"

Rym shook her head. "She was already signed up for university in Tunis in the fall. It's too late to get her into a program here, and even if I could, I don't have enough money to sponsor her. She won't try to divorce him. And if she tries to wait to apply to programs here next year, I'm sure he'll get her pregnant and she won't be able to come."

"Does she want to come to the US?" Alex asked. "Does she want to leave? Is she being abused? Can she get to the US Embassy if we want to apply for a visa for her? And can she do it safely?"

"She wants to come. And yes, she could get to the embassy. It's not far from where I'm from." Rym answered.

"Call your sister back," she requested, pulling her own phone out of her purse. Alex scrolled through her contacts until she found the one she was looking for, and pressed it. "Hello, may I speak with Richard Vicente, please? This is Alexandra Cabot from the Manhattan DA's office. Yes, thank you. ... How are you? … Yes, I am getting married in a few weeks. Thank you. … Listen, I have a favour to ask. I need help getting a visa for a colleague's sister. She's 22 and in Tunisia. … Probably a student visa. Lunch next week, after the holiday? Great, thank you. Let me know what I need to show." She raised an eyebrow to Rym. "Giovanni's, by the courthouse, Friday at 12:30. I'll make a reservation. See you there."

"Half of Manhattan's attorneys owe Alex a favour," Abbie explained. "And the other half would love the chance to give her one."

"No, the other half is still salty that I came back from Witness Protection," Alex said.

"Thank you," Rym said.

"You're welcome," Alex said. "Let's see what we can do."

After the ferry arrived, the house was only a few minutes away, and Alex parked the car and opened the trunk. Molly, the woman she hired to set up the house and stock the fridge before she arrived, met them in the entryway of the large colonial home to help with the bags. Safa would sleep in the smaller room right next to Alex and Olivia's master bedroom, which went from the front of the house to the back and had its own balcony, while Liz and Lena slept in the other adjoining room. The large room at the other end of the house would be occupied by Bill and Michelle, while Alex had reserved the smaller room next to them for the children, and the room on the other side for her father, when he arrived on the 3rd for one night. Abbie and Rym would each get a room in between, and after discussing accommodations with Sarah, she had decided to put Sarah and Jake in the den, in the finished part of the basement.

As her guests settled, Alex called Olivia to check in, and left a message, then pulled a bottle of wine out of the wine fridge and a plate of cut vegetables from the refrigerator, then pulled a pizza delivery menu from the menu drawer. Both Liz and Bill had texted her to say that they were stuck in traffic and would be getting on a later ferry than planned, so Alex had agreed to order pizza.

Alex deposited her own overnight bag and briefcase in her bedroom, apprehending the night she'd spend without Olivia, and remembering the last time they had slept together in that bed. Alex never slept quite as well when Olivia wasn't there to hold her. This house was Alex’s safe place, and they shared many intimate moments in that bed when they came for long weekends.

While Alex was getting settled, Abbie knocked on her door, holding the gun she always carried. Alex pointed her to the closet where Olivia's gun safe was on the top shelf, and reminded her of the code.

"I hope I don't have to remind you to make yourself at home," Alex said, smiling at Abbie. "And let me know if you want to reserve the jacuzzi. Help yourself to anything, of course."

"Thanks, Alex," Abbie said. "Listen, I think Rym could use a bit of privacy right now, so I was thinking of taking Safa for a little walk while we wait for the pizza and everyone else. Is that okay?"

Alex nodded. "Judging by how excited she was on the boat, I don't think she's been to the ocean before. I'd love to take her down to the water for the first time after dinner. But why don't you take a walk into town and pick up a couple of tubs of ice cream at FarFar's for dessert?"

Alex followed Abbie and Safa downstairs, and after they left, she poured herself some wine. First, she sat at the piano and played for a few minutes, relaxing into music, and when she had finished, she took her wine glass onto the porch with a novel from her purse, and sat on the porch swing looking out at the ocean.

She was halfway through her wine glass and about ten pages into her novel when she felt another presence behind her, and noticed Rym.

"Hey," Alex said gently. Rym was standing at the kitchen counter, eyeing the nice bottle of red wine on the counter and the wine glass she'd taken out for Abbie. "Can I get you something?" she asked.

Rym shook her head and swallowed, and Alex added a few more cut up vegetables to her bowl from the platter. "I'm just thinking about," she began, still eyeing the wine bottle, "why I bother to follow all of the rules. The same rules that condemn drinking alcohol condone what happened to Safa, and to my sister, and to Wardia."

"Wardia?" Alex asked.

"Abbie didn't tell you," Rym stated, mildly surprised, and Alex shook her head.

"Abbie wouldn't betray a confidence. None of us would. What you tell to one of us stays with that person, unless we need to share it because of our jobs." Alex explained. "Was that your way of saying you'd like a glass of wine?" Alex asked.

Rym shrugged. "I don't know what I want."

"Would this be your first time trying alcohol?"

She looked down and nodded.

"If you want a glass of wine, you're welcome to take a glass out of that cabinet and pour it yourself. I won't put it in your hand," Alex said. "If this is your first drink, this is a safe place to do it, surrounded by safe people. And it's a very good wine. If what you want is a loophole, or an excuse, or a defense, I can help with that too. But, would you be drinking it because you're angry about the crimes of some members of your faith, or because you're curious about the taste of wine and would like to try it?"

Rym shrugged and crossed her arms, leaning back against the counter, and then wiped away a tear.

Alex put down her own glass, still half-full, on the table. "The wine doesn't deserve that," she said. "You don't deserve that either. When you're ready, it's here, if that's what you want." Alex left her glass on the counter and went back to sit on the porch swing, hoping Rym would follow her, and she did. "Can you tell me about Wardia?"

Rym briefly told the story she had told Abbie about her cousin Wardia's marriage at 16.

"I am so sorry that happened to you," Alex said. She took a long pause. "You know, witnessing sexual violence at such a young age was a violation for you, even though you weren't technically the victim," she explained.

Rym's eyes were wet as she nodded.

"Can I ask you something?" Alex asked, tilting her head to face Rym. "What is a virginity test?"


	31. Chapter 31

"So, uh, what did you want to tell me?" Jake asked, following Sarah into Alex and Olivia's apartment. Alex had already left, and Olivia wouldn't be home for at least another hour, and so far, Sarah had chickened out the other two times she had wanted to tell Jake.

"Sit, please," she said, willing her voice not to shake. "I… it's important."

Sarah sat down cross-legged on the couch, next to Jake, not looking at him, as tears began to form in her throat. _What would Alex do?_ she thought, trying to adopt the cool, detached demeanour she often saw her friend use in court. She wouldn't be crying already.

"Is everything okay? Did I do something wrong?" Jake asked.

"Yeah… no… you didn't…" she felt her heart pounding in her chest and her throat close up. She swayed for a moment in her seat as she tried to remember the words she had practiced with Alex. "I… I was raped," she finally blurted out. "I mean…"

"When? By who? Did you call your friends? Don't they, uh, help with that sort of thing?" Jake asked, jumping up, before he started to pace.

"No! I mean, not now." Sarah said, starting to cry. "I didn't mean… it was in high school." She tried to gather the thoughts in her head, remember what she was supposed to say. What Alex had come up with was so much better… now if only she could remember it and regain control of the conversation. Her brain was fuzzy.

"Oh," Jake said. He sat down next to her again.

Sarah tried to swallow her tears one more time. "That's… it's how I got to know Alex. She saw what happened, and she helped me. It was at a dance. He… the guy… followed me into the bathroom."

"And…" Jake trailed off.

"And he forced me to have sex with him!" Sarah said forcefully, crossing her arms and looking down, hiding, tears streaming down her face.

Jake reached over, hesitantly, to touch her, put his arm around her, touch her arm, then, finally, unsure what to do, he simply took her hand.

"I'm… uh… I would never force you," he said quietly, after a moment.

"I know," Sarah said. She sniffled and wiped her eyes. "I just… I thought you should know before, we, you know…"

"Go further?" he supplied, and she nodded. He leaned over and kissed her. "I really like you. I won't hurt you. I thought you said you'd never done it before, but that doesn't matter to me."

Sarah stiffened and pulled away. "I haven't. I didn't want it. It's not the same thing."

"Okay. I'm just saying it doesn't change anything for me. We'll go slow, and we'll only do it if you want it. It's not a big deal."

"It's a big deal for me," Sarah said, regretting that she'd ever said anything.

***************

"You know you don't have to answer my questions," Alex said kindly. She looked out at the ocean, watching Rym out of the corner of her eye.

"Tunisia isn't Saudi Arabia," Rym explained. "Women have rights. Moreso than any other country in the Middle East. They aren't stoned to death or given lashes when they're raped or if they lose their virginity before marriage. Honour killings are rare."

"But women are still men's property, available for their sexual pleasure only," Alex concluded. "So what do they do? Throw a woman into a lake, and if she drowns she's a virgin?"

"It's a physical exam," Rym said, blushing. "The doctor… uses a finger, um, behind… and two… in front. He pushes forward to expose the hymen and see if it's intact."

Alex took a deep breath. "And what happens if it's not?"

"If the parents are nice, and have money, they'll pay for their daughter to have surgery to repair her hymen so nobody has to know."

"And if they can't, or don't want to pay for the surgery?" Alex asked.

"Then they increase the dowry to the husband, or they find a 'worse' husband, who is ugly, or drunk, or abusive, or from a bad family, who will take her. If she can't be married then they might put her out on the street."

"How old are girls when they have this exam?"

"Usually… after they get their first period. And then again a few weeks before they get married." Rym felt her face burning, and it was stained with tears. "You… get a medical certificate for your husband. It used to be required for a marriage license."

"Rym, look at me for a minute, please," Alex said softly, before making eye contact. She swallowed. "There is no valid scientific test that I could present in a court of law that would be able to determine whether or not a woman has ever had sex," she said, keeping her voice calm and gentle. "When the doctor or the medical examiner conducts a rape exam, they look for fluids, or abrasions, or residue from a condom, but that only tells us if there was recent sexual activity. Once a woman bathes, those traces are gone, and there's no way to tell if she has had sex. And a torn hymen doesn't mean anything. There are lots of things that can cause it to tear, like exercise. It's not a reliable indicator. The test is bullshit."

She watched Rym pull away and look out towards the ocean again, and waited several minutes before she spoke again.

"How old were you?" she finally asked.

Rym shifted uncomfortably. "13," she finally answered, in a whisper. "My mom took me. Then again at 17, when I was engaged. And then again, on my own, at 25. Just to prove that the rumours about why I left... why I didn't want to get married... weren't true."

Alex closed her eyes. "Rym, if a 13 year old girl came into SVU and told me, or told Olivia, what you just told me, do you know what I would do?"

Rym shrugged.

"First, I would have some words with her parents. If I had to, I'd charge them with conspiracy to commit rape and facilitating the sexual abuse of a minor and threaten them with 5-8 years in prison to get them to cooperate with the investigation. Then, I'd charge the doctor with one count of rape 2 and one count of sexual abuse of a minor. That's 15-20 years right there. Next, I'd get a subpoena to go through his medical records to get evidence of an ongoing crime, and we would interview every single girl we could find who was still under the statute of limitations. He would lose his medical license, he'd be looking at at least 25 years in prison, and if he ever got out, he'd be on the sex offender registry. In prison, if it got out that he was sexually abusing children, he could probably expect the same treatment from his fellow inmates. He would never be able to hurt another girl again."

"It was a medical exam."

Alex shook her head. "No medical board in this country would call that a valid medical exam."

"He would go to prison," Rym repeated.

Alex nodded. "For a long time," she confirmed. "What he did was not okay. He penetrated you, a child, without your consent. In New York, that is rape, and I would prosecute him."

"Rape. Wow," Rym let out a breath through her mouth.

"And whatever you feel about it is okay. You weren't overreacting," Alex offered.

"You're the first person not to tell me that it's not a big deal," Rym said, crying.

"You were violated. Of course it's a big deal," Alex soothed, touching Rym's arm. "And acknowledging it for what it is will help you to process it. To heal. If you never "

"It really hurt," she said.

"I'm sure it did," Alex replied. "I'm so sorry that happened to you. No child should have to go through that."

"What I don't understand," she said still looking at the ocean. "Is why... I don't know. It seems wrong."

"What seems wrong?" Alex asked.

"I don't want to die a virgin," Rym said. "But with Safa... I don't know why I would even want to."

Alex nodded. "It can be hard to see the pain that sexual violence causes and to separate that out from a healthy relationship," she admitted. "But you know it doesn't have to be like that. You want to prove to yourself that sex doesn't have to be violent and painful and one-sided."


	32. Chapter 32

“So Cabot, why isn't there a chocolate on my pillow?" Abbie asked, bounding down the stairs.

Alex laughed. "I forgot my mom used to do that. Sorry, Abs. I've got wine instead. Or would you prefer I call to book you in at the Four Seasons?" She winked.

"I'm going to have to dock you a star," Abbie retorted.

"Decline in service following a change in management?" Alex asked. She rolled her eyes. "If you say so. Oh, I think they're here."

A car pulled up in front of the house, and before she knew it, Lexie ran into the house, ignoring her dad's calls to slow down and get her bag. She ran right into the kitchen and nearly knocked Alex over with a hug.

"Hi, sweetie," Alex said, leaning down to hug her and kiss her cheek. "Good to see you."

"Alexandra Grace Cabot, you get out here right now to get your bag!" Bill yelled from outside, slamming a car door.

"Better go help your dad, sweetie," Alex said, following her to the door.

"What did you do this time?" Abbie teased, coming from the kitchen, wine in hand.

"I can't be in trouble yet; Lena's not here," she retorted, just as Liz pushed open the door with Lena right behind her. "Spoke too soon. Hello. And, it wasn't me," she said, laughing. "My middle name is Harriman, she's Grace," she said to Abbie.

"Thanks for having us," Lena said, kissing her cheek after Liz did the same. "Abbie, good to see you again."

"My pleasure," Alex replied. "I'll show you to your room, and please make yourselves at home."

"Nice to see you too, Lena," Abbie replied.

Alex held open the door for Lexie to come in with her bag, Bill right behind, and waited for Michelle, Bill's wife, to come in, carrying Andrew on her hip.

"Good to see you, Michelle," Alex said, kissing her on the cheek, and kissing Andrew. "Wine is open on the counter if you want to pour yourself a glass. I'm going to get Liz and Lena settled upstairs, and then I'll introduce everyone."

Alex escorted Liz and Lena up the stairs, turning right, where she opened the door to the last room on the left, right before hers.

"Abbie has already informed me of the subpar service due to lack of chocolates on the pillow," Alex explained. "There are some towels on the dresser, and your bathroom is right through here. Take your time settling in; the pizza will be here in about half an hour. Wine and salad are ready whenever."

Alex left them, closing the door behind her, and went down to the other wing of the house, where she knocked on Lexie's door.

"Hi sweetie," she said, pushing the door open. Lexie had opened her suitcase on the floor, and was sitting on the bed, looking at the cover of Nancy Drew and The Secret of the Old Clock, which Alex had left on her pillow. "Auntie Olivia picked out that book for you," she explained. "We can read it this weekend. It was one of her favourites when she was a girl."

"Thank you, Auntie Alex," Lexie said, moving over to sit next to her aunt, who sat down on the bed. "Where is Auntie Olivia?"

"She had to work until late today, so she'll be here tomorrow," Alex explained. "Can I talk to you about something for a minute?"

Lexie nodded.

"Did your mom and dad tell you we have someone very special staying with us?"

Lexie shook her head. "Who is it?" She asked, leaning against her aunt.

"Her name is Safa," Alex explained. "She's 11. And she's staying with Auntie Olivia and me for a little while, because she needed a safe place to live."

"Her house wasn't safe?" Lexie asked, frowning.

"No," Alex said quietly. "And I really want her to feel safe here, and happy, and I want her to have fun. Do you think you can help me with that? It's a very special, very important job."

Lexie didn't hesitate. "Sure. I want her too feel happy too. What do I have to do?"

"Well, the most important thing is to be nice to her," Alex began. "I bet she'd really like it if you ask her to play with you, or color with her, or share your toys. She didn't have any toys to bring with her, so I was hoping you wouldn't mind sharing yours. And we'll all play at the beach together."

Lexie considered this carefully, and nodded. "I can do that."

"Thank you," Alex said. "It means a lot to me that you'll be kind to her."

Lexie thought for a moment. "Did a bad guy hurt her?" She asked.

Alex bit her lip. "What makes you say that?"

"Well, you said she wasn't safe," Lexie said. "And you and Auntie Olivia catch the bad guys. Did you catch the bad guy that hurt her?"

Alex nodded. "We found out who it was, and he'll never hurt her again," she reassured her niece.

"Did you put him in jail?" Lexie asked.

Alex shook her head. "We couldn't put him in jail because he ran away to another country before we could catch him. But if he ever comes back, that's where he's going."

Lexie nodded. "Oh."

"Two things you should know about her," Alex said. "One is that she doesn't speak much English yet," Alex explained. "She speaks Arabic, and our friend Rym is here to help translate. But I think it will help her to learn if you're patient with her. So, speak slowly, and if you need us to help you, you can ask."

Lexie nodded. "What's the other thing?"

"Well, even though she's just a child, she has a baby in her belly," Alex said.

"How did it get there, if she's only a kid?"

Alex frowned. "Well, a man hurt her. And even though she's still a child, her body was able to make a baby."

"So kids can have babies?" Lexie asked, confused. "You told me they can't."

"Honey, girls and young women are capable of having babies after they get their periods," Alex explained. "You cannot have a baby anytime soon, and we're going to make sure nobody can hurt you like that, so I don't want you to worry. But I wanted to tell you, because she might get scared or upset when you're playing. If that happens, I want you to know that it's not your fault, and I want you to come find me or Auntie Olivia so we can help her, okay?"

Lexie nodded. "Okay."

"Thank you," Alex said, kissing Lexie on the forehead. "It's a very important job to help her have fun and to be a kid. I know you'll be great at that."

"But Alex?" Lexie asked, as Alex got up and walked towards the door.

"Yeah, sweetie?"

"When you read me a story, can it just be you and me, like always?"

"Well, Safa might like to listen to a story too, don't you think?" Alex asked.

"Yeah, but... then it's not special," Lexie complained. "Please?"

Alex smiled. "I'll make sure we get some special time together, okay?"

"Okay."

Alex managed to convince Bill to take Michelle out to dinner, and after she and the kids ate pizza and salad with, Abbie, Rym and Liz and Lena, she managed to convince Safa to put on a pair of Alex's capri leggings to walk down to the water.

Her heart warmed to see the girl dip her toes in the ocean, a smile widening on her face as the water washed over her feet and her toes sink into the wet sand. Lexie gathered some flat rocks, and held one out to Safa, before showing her how to skip it in the water, then rolled her eyes as Safa tossed it, unaware of the proper skipping technique.

Alex closed her eyes as she appreciated the water lapping over her feet, and the smell of the ocean. This place always calmed her, healed her, filled up her heart. She took a rock from the ground and drew some shapes on the ground in a patch of sand, and called over for Safa and Lexie.

"Sometimes, when I'm hurt, I draw a message in the sand," she explained. "I write it out, or I draw a symbol that only I know, and when the tide comes in and the ocean washes it away, it washes away the hurt, too," she explained.

"You taught me that before," Lexie said, taking a rock to draw something.

"Yup," Alex said. "And sometimes I do it for a wish I want to come true."

"What's hurting you, Auntie Alex?" Lexie asked, coming over to give Alex a hug.

Alex wrapped her arms around the girl and kissed the top of her head. "Sweetie, that's private and I'd rather not talk about it right now. Are you going to write a message?"

Lexie thought for a moment, and then drew hearts around Alex's drawing, and Safa's. "I don't have my own thing to wash away right now, so I just wished that whatever is hurting you goes away. And Safa."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You’ll be happy to know that I’ve FINALLY figured out what to do about Safa and her baby. But, you might not like the answer.
> 
> Expect plot twists coming soon... And thanks in advance for your reviews!
> 
> Xx


	33. Chapter 33

After dinner, Alex put Andrew to bed, and asked Rym to help her give Safa a bath.

"The doctor said she's healing fine, but that hygiene is a concern. We assumed she was old enough to bathe herself, and we didn't want to invade her privacy, but we need to make sure she's cleaning herself properly so she doesn't get an infection," Alex explained, her voice low.

"Auntie Alex, will you give me a bath too?" Lexie asked, whining a bit.

"Maybe tomorrow night," Alex promised. "Safa needs to have a bath tonight, and then it's going to be time for you to go to bed."

"That's not fair," she said, pouting.

"Why don't we play a game with Lena and Grandma Liz while Safa is taking her bath? How does that sound?" Abbie suggested, opening the game cabinet under the television.

Liz rolled her eyes. "You just like calling me 'Grandma'," she cajoled, sitting down on the couch with her glass of wine. "I'll play a game. As long as it's not Monopoly. Lena is brutal."

Alex escorted Rym and Safa upstairs and into her master bath. After returning from Witness Protection, she had spent a few weeks in her house, then spent what she thought was entirely too much money to repaint the place and update the kitchen and bathrooms, which hadn't been updated since her grandfather had done it during her childhood.

She rinsed out the jacuzzi tub and began filling it with warm water, throwing in some Epsom salts and bubble bath, and took towels out of the linen closet. As the tub filled, she went over to her nightstand in the bedroom where she had plugged in her phone, to see a message from Olivia. Home safe. Call me tonight. Love you. XXXOOO.

Safa was sitting on the upholstered chair next to the tub, and Rym was gently removing her headscarf and the bobby pins in her hair. Alex handed her a brush, and after running her fingers through the girl's hair, she brushed gently a few times, while Alex opened up the cabinet under the sink and pulled out bottles of shampoo and conditioner.

"These are supposed to be good for thick, curly hair like Safa's," Alex explained. "My hairdresser recommended them, so we'll see if they're any good."

She smiled at Safa and set the bottles on the edge of the tub, checking the temperature of the water to make sure it wasn't too warm.

"Safa, we're going to stay while you take a bath. Is that okay? We need to make sure you get nice and clean," Alex said gently, kneeling down in front of her as Rym translated.

Safa bowed her head and recoiled a bit, her lip quivering, as Alex touched her hand to reassure her.

"Do you want us to give you privacy while you get undressed and into the tub, under the bubbles?" Alex asked.

Safa didn't move or speak.

"We're not going to touch you, sweetheart," Alex explained. "But we need to make sure you're washing yourself properly. When you lived at your old house, did you take baths by yourself? Did you wash yourself?"

Safa shook her head, still avoiding eye contact with Alex.

"Who helped you take a bath, sweetheart?" She probed, hoping she didn't know the answer.

"Miriam," Safa whispered, her voice breaking.

Alex nodded. "What did Miriam do?" She asked, holding her breath.

Safa began to cry and pulled back in the chair, and Alex reached out to brush away a tear with her thumb.

"She can't hurt you, sweetheart," Alex said. "We're not going to wash you. We're going to help you learn how to wash yourself," she reassured her.

Safa looked from Alex, to Rym, and back. "She washed me really hard, especially between my legs. She said I was dirty, especially when… especially after the man came into my room, she made me take baths at night. She always made the water cold, and she pulled my hair when she washed it. And she hurt me when she washed inside."

Alex's mouth hung open for a moment, but she quickly closed it so Safa wouldn't notice. "I made the water nice and warm for you," she began. "You can feel it before you get in to make sure it's not too hot and not too cold. And I'll be really gentle when I wash your hair, okay?"

Safa swallowed, and reached over to touch the water.

"Why don't you get in, and I'll get the soap?" Alex suggested. "You do have to wash between your legs, but you can be very gentle. And you don't need to wash inside, just outside."

Alex turned around and looked under the sink for a new loofa and a neutral, scent-free pH body wash, then reached out an arm to help Safa climb into the tub.

As Safa settled into the water, Alex rose for a minute, turning her back to the girl. "Are you okay?" She murmured to Rym, who leaned against the sink. Rym smiled tightly and nodded, and Alex gave her a sympathetic smile, touching her arm.

After a few minutes, she knelt down and took the shower head off the wall, handing Safa a facecloth to put over her eyes and checking the temperature before she ran the water into Safa's long, thick hair. She washed gently, massaging Safa's scalp, being especially careful near her hairline where the skin was still slightly scarred from the acid, waiting for Safa to relax.

"I'm not hurting you, am I?" She asked quietly, after accidentally pulling a bit through a knot.

Safa, still tense with her eyes shut tight, shook her head.

"You can relax, sweetheart," Alex said. "Put this over your eyes. I'm just going to rinse and put in the conditioner."

Safa held the cloth over her eyes as Alex rinsed the soap out of her hair, as gently as possible, before pouring out a copious amount of the leave-in conditioner for curly hair, running her fingers through thick locks. When the conditioner had been distributed, she twisted Safa's hair up into a clip, then dipped her hands in the water to rinse off what was left.

Safa's shoulders drooped when Alex stopped touching her, but she held her eyes shut.

"Okay, sweetheart, we're going to wash up now," Alex said, pouring some shower gel onto the loofa and lathering it up. She pointed to a part of the tub where the ledge was a bit thicker. "Why don't you sit here, and you'll be done before you know it?"

She put her hand under Safa's elbow to support her as she pushed out of the tub and perched on the edge, her pregnant belly protruding. She made no effort to cover herself, although Rym reassured her that women and girls often bathed in the hammam together, with no qualms about modesty as long as there were no men around.

Alex rubbed the loofa gently across Safa's back, then handed it to her and motioned with her hands, showing Safa how to wash, under her arms, across her belly, up and down her legs. As Safa brought the loofa up her second leg, she hesitated.

Alex took the shower head again and rinsed Safa and the loofa, before putting another drop of gel on. She returned the loofa to Safa's hand and put her hand on Safa's arm, gently guiding it between her legs.

"It's okay, Safa," Alex said gently. "Just be really gentle, go back and forth a few times with the soap, then you can rinse and you'll be all done."

Safa froze, whimpering as she squeezed her eyes shut, not able to move her hand any closer, and Alex, realising what was happening, took the loofa from her, and poured cold water over her hand until she opened her eyes with a sob.

Alex turned off the cold water faucet, kneeling in front of Safa as she tried to decide how to react.

"You don't want to touch yourself there?" She asked, looking right into the girl's bright green eyes.

"La," Safa said. "I can't, it's dirty, I…"

"Shhh," Alex said calmly, shaking her head very slowly from side to side. "Nothing about you is dirty. Not even your vulva," she explained, deciding to use the proper language, even as she doubted whether the mutilated area would even qualify as such. "It's just a part of your body that we need to wash."

"La, la, no," Safa cried, shaking her head.

"Why not?" Alex asked gently, holding Safa's gaze steady. After a moment, Safa dropped her head, defeated, tears streaming down her face.

After she let the girl cry for a minute, Alex touched a finger to her chin to reestablish eye contact.

"You know," she said finally, barely above a whisper. "A man hurt me there, too," she began, and Safa looked up, with a look of panic stricken across her face. "And for a really long time, it was very hard for me to wash myself there."

She put the loofa back into Safa's right hand, and held her left hand. Safa's lip quivered, but she maintained eye contact with Alex as she lowered her other hand and washed herself.

"Good job," Alex encouraged, smiling at her, before she rinsed her off one last time. She took the towel and wrapped it around Safa's shoulders, and Safa began to cry again, leaning into Alex.

Alex held her, and Rym sat down on her other side and rubbed her back, until they could get an oversized tee-shirt on her and hand her some underwear. Alex guided her into the guest bedroom right next to the master bedroom, and flipped on the nightlight.

The two women sat on the edge of the bed, on either side of Safa.

Alex hesitated for a moment, but decided to ask, "Safa, sweetheart, you pray, right?"

"Of course," Safa replied. "I pray to Allah every morning and every night."

"Can I ask what you pray about?" Alex asked.

"I say my normal prayers," she explained. "But I asked Him to make me safe and to help me to get away from the man who was hurting me. I asked Him for someone who would take care of me and be nice to me, like my mama. And now I ask him to keep you and Olivia and Rym safe, and my baby safe."

Alex pulled a small roller vial of oil out of her pocket, and took off the cap, silently asking for Safa's permission to apply it along her collarbone. She handed the vial to Safa after she was done.

Safa smiled and tears sprung to her eyes again. "Rose oil. Like my mama," she said.

Alex nodded. "So you can keep her close to you and she can help you feel safe," Alex said. "I have a prayer that I like to say. Can I teach it to you?"

Safa nodded.

Alex took Safa's hands, and held them in front of her for a moment. "It's very easy. It's a prayer I say every day, and it helped me a lot after the man hurt me," she explained. She brought Safa's hands down, trying to position them between Safa's legs.

"You put your hands on your body - the part of your body that is hurting. And you say, 'I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.' And you say it as many times as you can, until it starts to hurt a little less."

She pulled open the covers and tucked Safa in, and both women kissed her on the temple before Alex turned out the light.


	34. Chapter 34

Once Lexie was settled in bed and Alex had read her the first chapter of Nancy Drew, she tiptoed back downstairs and located her glass of wine, then joined the others back out on the deck, where Abbie was gloating about winning the final hand of International Rummy.

She leaned back into her chair, twirling the wine in her glass, when Liz's voice cut into her thoughts. "So, I hear congratulations are an order," she said, smiling as she took another sip of wine.

"Hm?" Alex replied, looking up, a bit confused.

"You ARE taking that job, right?" Liz accused.

"What job?"

"Oh, come on, Alexandra, don't 'what job' us," Lena interjected, rolling her eyes.

"Who do you think Barry Moredock asked about where to find you?"

Alex pursed her lips. "Not Jack McCoy?" She tried.

Liz shook her head. "So what's the job?"

"You know you can't turn down a job at Harvard, Alexandra," Lena added.

"I think I should discuss anything with the woman I'm marrying first," Alex said. "I haven't even talked to her since I saw him."

"I don't know what he offered you, but you need to accept yesterday," Liz said. "Whatever he may have told you, jobs at Harvard don't come around very often. It will be great for your career."

Alex nodded curtly. "I have no intention of turning him down," she said. "But I do need to discuss it with Liv first. The logistics will be… complicated. Especially if Safa's staying. Especially if we have her baby, too. Liv gets called out 2-3 Friday nights a month. Even if I work something out with Arthur… Safa will be in school."

"Pfft," Liz said. "She'll come to Auntie Liz's house on Friday if Olivia is called out. We can help you make it work."

"So the job is on Fridays? I'll be done at 5 or 6 on Fridays," Abbie offered. "I'm happy to take her. What's the job, Alex? And why didn't you tell me?"

"I don't teach on Fridays," Rym said.

"See, you have four willing babysitters," Lena offered.

"Babysitters for what?" Bill asked, returning with Michelle from dinner out.

"For Alex's new job at Harvard on Fridays," Liz explained.

"You've got a job at Harvard on Fridays?" Bill asked. "Alex, that's fantastic! Why didn't you tell us?"

"I was waiting to discuss it with my wife first," she said wryly. "But apparently the cat's out of the bag."

Liz shrugged. "Courthouse gossip," she said. "What're ya gonna do?"

"So what did he offer you?" Liz asked, pitting her hands on the table.

Alex sipped her wine, and placed the glass back on the table, taking a breath. "He asked me to teach a class about prosecuting sex crimes," she explained. "An elective for L3s, maybe some L2s. Said that Casey and I are the longest-serving ADAs who exclusively prosecute sex crimes. I've got her beat in overall tenure by about a month. Not many other cities have dedicated special victims prosecutors, and I'm the only one who's a Harvard alumna."

Lena raised her eyebrows and nodded. "Impressive. Congratulations, Alexandra. Although, please don't teach them your… rather… unorthodox methods for securing convictions."

Alex chuckled.

"Congratulations, Alex," Liz said.

"Now, nobody better breathe a word about this until I've had a chance to talk to Liv. I wasn't planning on telling her until we could talk in person sometime this weekend," Alex said, looking intently at each person at the table, pointing at them until they each nodded in agreement.

"You'll stay with us on Fridays in Wellesley, then?" Bill asked.

"Um, probably, if that's alright," Alex said. "Would be easier than finding a place, and I'd love to see Lexie and Andrew every week."

"It's settled then. We'll take turns watch Safa and possibly the baby with Abbie on Fridays when Olivia doesn't have off, and you'll teach and then stay with Bill," Liz stated.

"Thank you for figuring out my life for me, Liz," Alex said sarcastically, chuckling at her godmother's advice;

"You're welcome, dear," Liz said. "I'll tell you what to do any time."

Alex rolled her eyes, and Liz turned to Lena and they went upstairs, followed by Bill and Michelle.

Rym, Alex, and Abbie talked about random topics, until Abbie had finished another bottle of wine, and started to get a bit giggly.

Alex, who had been nursing her last glass during Abbie's last two, swirled her glass again. "So," she said, looking directly at her friend. "When are you going to tell me what really happened with Serena?"

Abbie looked away and swallowed hard. She reached for the next bottle and poured herself a new glass, took a sip, and then carefully placed the glass back on the table, pushing it with her fingers on the base of the glass. She shrugged.

Alex waited.

"I don't really know what happened," Abbie said finally, choking on her words.

"I called her to invite her to the wedding," Alex said, after a long pause. "She didn't answer, so I left her a message and told her that I didn't know what happened between you, but that I still considered her a friend and would love to have her. I got a one sentence email back saying congratulations, but she wasn't available. That seems so unlike her."

"She changed," Abbie said. Then, after a moment, she shook her head. "If I tell you anything, you'll know exactly what happened, and I don't think she'd want… it's not really my story… she wouldn't want to talk about it."

Alex hesitated, confused, and said slowly, "Yes, if you told me, I would know what happened. That's… the idea."

"She never really told me directly. I made some assumptions. I'm sure you'd make the same ones."

Alex nodded.

"About two years ago, a man groped her at work," Abbie began. "Put his hand between her legs when they were alone together on the elevator."

"That's awful," Alex said. "Did she report it?"

"Of course. Turned out it was an outside contractor so they couldn't really do anything about it, other than file a police report," Abbie said. "They handled it fine as far as I could tell. But… Serena didn't."

"How so?"

"She… at first everything was normal. She was angry, but seemed to… I don't know, recover. I tried to talk to her about what she needed and how I could support her, and she told me it wasn't a big deal and to stop worrying about it. She didn't want to make a big deal out of it; she just wanted to move on."

"Okay. That can happen," Alex said. "Then what?"

"After a few weeks, she started spiralling. She was turning me down more, but I figured it was just stress at work. And then… she started having nightmares. She'd wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, crying."

Alex frowned. "Do you think more happened than she let on?"

Abbie shook her head. "With the groping thing? No. I think she was telling the truth about that."

Alex looked at Abbie and waited for her to make eye contact, after she'd taken another sip of wine.

"You think something happened before that you didn't know about," Alex stated.

"I don't know anything for sure," Abbie said. "She wouldn't talk about it. I begged her to get therapy for over a year. I told her she didn't have to talk about it with me, but she needed to talk to someone. I asked her what happened and told her I wanted to support her, and she said that she didn't know, and nothing happened. When I tried to comfort her, she'd only let me when she was half-asleep, and then when she woke up she accused me of just wanting sex."

"Abbie, I'm so sorry," Alex said softly, reaching over to touch her hand. Abbie swallowed tears.

"I tried to get her to take a leave of absence, go to therapy, get some help, but at work… she was fine. She held herself together just fine. It was just our relationship… so, I started traveling more and more to be away. Of course, she didn't like that either, and accused me of cheating on her."

Abbie took another sip of wine.

"About a year ago, I started going to therapy. I figured, if she wouldn't… I needed to know how to support her, how to cope when she was telling me everything was my fault and I was hurting her."

"Abbie, it wasn't your fault."

"I know. From what I could gather, it was her step-brother's fault."

"He did something to her?"

"My therapist said it was likely she had repressed memories of it that surfaced when she was sexually assaulted."

Alex put her hand over her mouth.

"And I left her when she needed me. I broke up with her, not the other way around."

Alex reached over to put her hand on Abbie's shoulder. "I'm sorry we weren't there for you. You should've told us," she said gently.

Abbie shrugged. "You and Olivia were in the middle of dealing with... your stuff, and… I don't know. I guess I didn't want you to hate me for leaving her when she needed me."

"Abbie," Alex said, then stood up to hug her. "You've been my best friend for more than 15 years. I would never hate you."

Abbie shrugged. "I didn't stay to help her."

"Abbie, listen to me," Alex said carefully. "Whose responsibility is it for Serena to get help for dealing with what happened to her?"

"Hers. But I could have…"

Alex cut her off, and shook her head. "No, Abbie, you couldn't have." She paused and took a sip of wine. "It would have been really easy for me to make Olivia responsible for 'fixing me'. You know her. She would've done it happily. I had to actively make sure she *wasn't* taking responsibility for me. I went - I still go - to therapy. Putting myself back together after everything that happened is my job, not hers. And… of course it hasn't been easy for her, either, but I hardly could've expected her to stick around if I hadn't been willing to face what happened to me and heal."

Alex took her hand. "Abbie, the only person responsible for fixing Serena, is Serena. And before she can do that, she has to acknowledge whatever happened."

"I know," Abbie sighed. She let out a long, steady breath.

"I hope she gets the help she needs," Alex said.

"Me too," Abbie said. "I still love her."


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, it may not come as a surprise to any of you, but about a week ago I realized: I’m a lesbian. 
> 
> I kind of feel like an idiot because in hindsight it’s super obvious. I managed to be married for over 7 years without really considering the question. (When it first occurred to me, about 5 years ago when I started dabbling in fanfiction, I explored it in one session with my therapist and then found out the next week I was pregnant.)
> 
> So, any advice or gifts of toasters are greatly appreciated. Especially since I will need small appliances once I end up divorced.
> 
> My apologies for taking so long to write this chapter. I still have plenty of plans for it to continue, but it may be slow going for a bit.
> 
> Xxoo Artemiskitty

“Hey, love,” Olivia said, smiling when Alex called her. She settled into the bed, lights dim. “How are you, sweetheart? I miss you.”

Alex let out a breath, and her heart leapt in her chest. Due to their schedules - Olivia getting called out on a case, and Alex having planned drinks out after work with some law school friends the one night Olivia had made it home - they had hardly seen each other, save for a few cuddles, since Monday. Alex had regretted her plans to drive up separately from Olivia, who’d had some loose ends to finish up at the precinct before the long weekend.

“Hey, Liv. I miss you too. I wish you were here already,” she admitted. “How are you? Did you finish everything up?”

“We got Harding,” Olivia said. “The DNA came back, and we went to track him down this afternoon after the last processing for Rikers left, so he’s in a holding cell until at least Monday. Not sure if they’ll process him before Wednesday.”

“Great. Did you call Trevor? He’ll be relieved.”

“Not yet. Figured you might want to let him know. If you want we can call him together tomorrow. I’ll give you the rest of the updates tomorrow. It’s good to hear your voice.”

Alex nodded and smiled at Olivia’s admission. “Okay. I don’t want to leave him hanging. I’m sure he’s not having an easy time.”

“You haven’t talked to him?”

Alex shook her head. “No. I know he’s taking a leave of absence from his firm, but I didn’t want to bother him before we had information for him.”

They settled into chatting comfortably about their weeks, but, as always, avoid talking about their cases or their work. Only in the office, not at home. Alex thought briefly about telling Olivia about the Harvard job offer, but thought it would be better in person.

“We’re going to leave really early tomorrow,” Olivia said finally. “I want to get out of the city before the traffic builds up, because it’ll be awful. Casey is staying in Safa’s bed after I changed the sheets, and Jake is officially staying on the couch, although he might be in Sarah’s room.”

Alex nodded. “Tell Sarah I’m going to officially give her a room upstairs and put Jake in the finished basement on the pullout couch. She can do what she wants, but I want her to have a private space if she needs it. Do you know if she’s talked to him yet? She hadn’t as of yesterday, and I got the impression she didn’t want me to ask her again.”

“I think… I haven’t gotten her alone yet, but she was quiet at dinner. I’m starting to worry about her. I think she’s putting a lot of pressure on herself. I don’t know how much pressure Jake is putting on her, but she seems to be rushing into things. How long have they even been dating?”

“It’s only been a few weeks. I’m worried too. She’s been really focused on this relationship and I’m worried she’s not ready,” Alex said.

“Well, we’ve both talked to her and told her not to rush, but it doesn’t seem to be helping,” Olivia commented. “But it probably also doesn’t help for us to keep asking if she’s okay and if she’s sure. You get annoyed when I do that.”

“I know. I don’t want to interfere, but I don’t want her to hurt herself either. I’m not sure what else we can do.”

“We’ve both already told her that it’s okay for her to wait until she’s ready and she can trust him. She’s an adult, technically. If he’s not coercing her, there’s not a whole lot we *can* do. Except be there for her if it blows up.”

Alex sighed. “I feel like... I’m supposed to tell her... she wants me to tell her how hard it’s going to be, and how I coped, and how we... and I just can’t. It’s intensely personal, and I don’t want to. And I feel terrible, but I’m starting to resent that she wants my advice,” Alex said, choking up. “I mean, it’s hard enough to talk about with you and with my therapist.”

“Oh sweetie,” Olivia said. “You’re not under ANY obligation to...”

“I know I’m not,” Alex interrupted. “But I still feel responsible for her.”

“So, you know those nifty therapy exercises you’re supposed to do when you’re making yourself responsible for the whole world and everything is your fault? The ones that you’ve paid like $100,000 to learn? Maybe you should use one of those,” Olivia said.

“Touché,” Alex replied. “She just doesn’t see... she doesn’t know how hard it’s been for me. For us. I mean, it’s still not normal. It’ll never be normal. I took *years* to be comfortable doing things that are pretty basic, and you’ve been nothing but patient, and supportive, and you’ve *never* violated my trust, and... I just... I doubt she’s going to have that. And I don’t know how to warn her without sharing things I’m not comfortable sharing.”

“She doesn’t know what happens inside our bedroom, love, and she shouldn’t. She shouldn’t be thinking about us in that way at all. But if she’s trying to compare, or thinks that because we love each other, and we’re in a relationship, that everything is perfect behind closed doors and we never have issues... well, I don’t know what to say about that.”

“I’m just afraid she’s relying on me to be her personal therapist. I can’t force her to see one, and I can’t be one for her.”

“Lex, sweetie, you’ve got more than enough to deal with on your own. You come first. You put yourself first. And Sarah... well, I think she needs to get out of her own head a bit. Stop focusing on the boy and focus on herself.”

“Mmm,” Alex said, distracted. “I miss you. I wish you were here right now,” she said quietly.

“Me too,” Olivia replied. “I can’t wait until I can hold you tomorrow. We’ll have to try to sneak away for a bit when everyone goes to the beach.”

Alex blushed. “That’s a good idea,” she said.

“So…” Olivia said slowly, pausing. “What are you wearing right now?”

“Oh, just some leggings and my Property of the US Marshal Service t-shirt,” Alex answered. “Nothing fancy…. Oooh,” she said, pausing and blushing as she realised what Olivia was implying. “Liv?”

“And… what are you wearing *underneath*?” Olivia asked, her voice low.

Alex felt herself turning pink and she chuckled. “Um, Liv? Am I supposed to give you the real answer, or a sexy answer?”

Olivia laughed. “Whatever you want, sweetie. Are you okay with where this is going?”

“Where *is* this going?” Alex asked.

“Well,” Olivia said. “I want to describe in vivid detail what I imagine doing to you, and what I imagine you doing to me, while I touch myself."

Alex felt herself getting warm with embarrassment - or was it arousal? - as her breathing got shallow. It’s just Olivia. If she were here right now you’d probably be having sex. You can talk about it...

“Lex? Sweetie?” Olivia asked after a moment. “It’s okay, love. Another time, maybe.”

“No — yes —Liv,” Alex said abruptly. “It’s— I want to.”

“Are you sure?”

Alex swallowed. “I’m sure, Liv. I want to do this with you.” She took a deep breath. “I don’t know if I’ll... but I want you to enjoy yourself.” She took a deep breath.

“Stop me if you’re uncomfortable, okay, Lex?”

“Okay.” Alex inhaled and put her hands on her stomach under her t-shirt, already starting to feel her skin tingle as though Olivia were really touching her. “I’m wearing those blue lace panties you got me for Christmas. No bra,” Alex said quietly, her voice shaking slightly.

“Really?” Olivia asked, surprised.

“Do you really want to know?” Alex said, laughing. “You said I could tell you whatever I wanted.”

“So I did,” Olivia agreed. “I’m kissing you. Cuddling with you and tasting your lips, and feeling your tongue. Kissing your jaw, and your neck, and that spot just below your left ear. And your hands are in my hair.”

Alex sighed happily, her eyes closed, as she visualized kissing Olivia. “Mmm,” she murmured. “I love kissing you.” She paused. “You didn’t tell me what you’re wearing.” 

“Nothing,” Olivia said, grinning.

Alex giggled. “I can’t say you weren’t prepared,” she said.

“You know me. I’m a regular girl scout. Always prepared. Now, where were we? Kissing.” She moaned softly into the phone. “You know what I love when we do this, Alexandra? I love cuddling against you, and your breasts brushing gently against mine, and how good that feels.”

“Mmm,” Alex replied. “I love you. I love feeling you.” She slid a hand under her shirt, up to her chest, and began gently touching her own breast.

“I want to taste your skin,” Olivia whispered, closing her eyes. “I want to kiss you all over, and taste your nipples. I love how sensitive they get. Mmmm. How does that feel, sweetie. Does it feel good? God I missed you this week. Now, I want you to reach down and touch yourself. Are you ready for me, sweetie? Are you aroused?”

“Liv…” Alex said softly. “This, you… you feel so good, Liv. I wish you were really here. I wish I were touching you, too.”

Olivia let out a low moan as she reached down and touched herself, sliding a finger through her folds and up and around her clit.

“Do you remember what we tried the last time we were at the house?” Olivia asked gently. “Let’s try imagining it together.”

Alex hesitated. When they did try new things, step out of their comfort zones sexually, they tended to do it at the Vineyard house, where they knew they had complete privacy, and nobody would call them out or interrupt them during their lovemaking. Plus, Alex felt safe there. Her ability to relax and let her guard down in her own house, her sanctuary, meant she had an easier time focusing and letting go. 

The last time, though, after a gentle round of lovemaking, Alex was still sensitive when Olivia had tried turning around, spreading Alex’s legs, and positioning herself over her lover’s mouth. Alex, feeling tender, was overwhelmed by trying to pleasure Olivia at the same time Olivia used her own mouth, and she disliked that she couldn’t see her or communicate with her as they made love that way. In the end, when Alex attempted to close her legs, Olivia had realized Alex’s discomfort and stopped, murmuring apologies and reassurances about trying another time. But even when Olivia was more than willing to stop, Alex still felt pangs of guilt that once again, her past was getting in the way of something she truly wanted to enjoy with her soulmate.

“I like being able to see you,” Alex said softly.

Olivia’s heart melted. “Me too, love,” she said. “I wish I could see you now.”

“I love when we just hold each other and, um, rub against each other,” Alex said quietly, blushing.

“You mean clit to clit?” Olivia clarified. “That’s one of my favorites,” she breathed. “I love holding you close and kissing you and watching your face while we do that.”

Alex closed her eyes and listened to Olivia describe their lovemaking, how she felt when she held Alex and brought her to orgasm. She enjoyed Olivia’s shortness of breath and low moans, but although she felt aroused and touched herself briefly, she couldn’t bring herself to go all the way. She didn’t understand why it felt safe to have Olivia touch her, but she still couldn’t manage to touch herself, or to feel safe in her own body when Olivia wasn’t there.

As Olivia’s breath got short, Alex whispered words of encouragement and I-love-yous, realizing how vulnerable Olivia was being with her.

“How do you feel, stud?” She finally asked, after Olivia had let out an “oh, Alex” as she came.

Olivia smiled and let out a breath. “I love you. Thank you for doing that with me.”

“I love you too, and I’ll enjoy the real deal tomorrow even more. Sleep well and drive safe,” Alex said.

When Alex woke up the second time during the night, Lexie had climbed into bed with her, snuggling into her back, and when she woke up the third time, at 5:30, she decided to get out of bed, grab a towel, and meditate on the beach.

She returned to the house to make coffee, to find Rym on the porch swing, looking out at the ocean. There was a beach towel next to her as well, and Rym had a scarf that she had put on her hair.

“Good morning,” she said quietly, going to start the coffee pot.

Rym nodded at her, mumbling a greeting without making eye contact, as Alex got coffee and sat down with her journal at the porch table. Alex noticed the tears on her face and contemplated saying something, but left the woman to her own thoughts and a cup of coffee, as she processed her own feelings from the night before, from Safa, and from Sarah in her journal.

Rym stayed quiet, and Abbie come down shortly, surprising Alex, as she was not usually an early riser, especially on nights she had been drinking. Abbie, taking her own cup of coffee, went to sit next to Rym on the porch swing, and, after a moment, tentatively placed a hand on the younger woman’s back.

“Good morning,” she said gently. “Did you sleep alright?”

Rym nodded, tears still spilling down her face.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Abbie asked.

Rym stared off into the distance a while longer, before pulling the scarf off her head and wiping her tears, as she turned to Abbie.

“I couldn’t pray,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper. “I came down to do my morning prayers, and I just... I couldn’t do it. I can’t.”

And Abbie took her hand, and let Rym lean on her shoulder, not asking for any other explanation.


	36. Chapter 36

Olivia had made everyone get up early to beat the long weekend traffic out of the city, and by the time she was driving over the George Washington bridge, Sarah and Jake were asleep in the back seat, his arm around her. Olivia checked her body language, and she seemed to lean into him, but still. One of them - not her or Alex - needed to talk to her.

Alex, needing privacy, retreated to her office to finish writing in her journal, and when she emerged, she busied herself in the kitchen, mixing up eggs to make herself a veggie omelette and toast. She returned to the porch, plate and more coffee in hand, to find Rym on the swing, but Abbie, Liz, and Lena sitting around the table with coffee, crossword puzzle and Sudoku for the elder women, and Abbie reading on her phone.

Alex exchanged good mornings and ate quietly.

“Did you sleep well, Alexandra?” Lena asked, and Liz raised an eyebrow when Alex confirmed she had.

“Hey, Abbie?” Alex finally asked, putting her fork down. “Do you think you could talk to Sarah this weekend?”

“Sarah is your rape victim from Portland?” Liz asked.

Alex glanced at Rym, who looked surprised. “Yes, but I don’t think everyone knows that,” she admonished.

“What about?” Abbie asked.

“About this boyfriend she’s with. Liv and I have both tried to talk to her but we want to make sure she’s doing okay. And I think she’s sick of us asking.”

“What makes you think she’s not okay?” Abbie asked, taking a sip of coffee.

Alex shrugged. “She’s probably fine. It’s just that she’s been really quiet since she got this boyfriend, and I can’t be her therapist. They haven’t been together that long, but I’m worried she’s rushing it.”

Abbie nodded, understanding. “You want me to make sure she’s not going to do something she’ll regret?”

Alex nodded. 

“I guess. I can’t really give her advice, but I can check on her for you.”

**********

Once they had boarded the 9amferry and found a table, Olivia pulled out her wallet and handed money to Jake. “You can go get the coffees,” she told him, smiling.

Once he had gone up to the galley, she looked at Sarah, who looked away.

“Is everything okay?” Casey asked, looking back and forth from Sarah to Olivia.

“Fine,” Sarah said, leaning back and crossing her arms protectively. “Do you know too?” She asked, accusingly.

Casey raised an eyebrow. “Know what?” She asked. “Am I supposed to know something?” Casey had, of course, connected the dots and surmised that the student rape victim Alex had gone back to help 3 years earlier was the same young woman in front of her, but Sarah didn’t need to know that. 

Sarah shook her head. “Never mind.”

Olivia reached over and touched her arm. “Sarah, I talked to Alex last night. She thought it would be a good idea to give you a room upstairs —“

“But I—“ Sarah tried to cut her off, but Olivia stopped her.

“We want you to have a place to go for privacy, if you need it. Or if you do decide you want to sleep alone. You have choices, Sarah. This way there’s no pressure.”

“How long have you been seeing Jake?” Casey asked. “He seems nice.”

“I knew him all semester because we took a class together and we studied together a few times, but we’ve really only been going out about 6 weeks, since finals.”

Casey glanced at Olivia out of the corner of her eye, and understood. “Is it serious?” 

Sarah shrugged.

“Okay. Well, I might be the only straight woman available this weekend if you need advice, so let me know if you want to talk,” Casey said, winking. “Just… don’t do anything because you think he wants it, okay? Only do what you want to do.”

Sarah nodded, and Casey smiled over her shoulder at Jake, who was returning with the coffees.

********** 

Alex was in the kitchen when Olivia’s car pulled up unexpectedly early, and she felt her heart swell when she heard the key in the door. Lena and Liz had just finished helping Lexie make pancakes for the kids, and she and Safa was sitting at the table on the porch with a plate full of rainbow sprinkle and banana chocolate chip pancakes.

Alex’s eyes lit up when she saw Olivia’s neutral expression widen into a grin, and she sauntered over to wrap her arms around Alex’s waist, and, leaning her back against the kitchen counter, leaned in for a kiss. Alex closed her eyes as Olivia leaned in, and immediately felt more relaxed. She had missed Olivia that week, and last night’s phone call and the resulting poor sleep had left her with an ache in her chest that could only be soothed by her lover’s care. 

Olivia kissed her gently, and when she pulled away for a breath, she met Alex’s piercing blue eyes, and immediately blushed, and looked down.

Alex recognised the vulnerability and brought her hand up to brush Olivia’s cheek with her thumb, then held Olivia’s face, bringing her back to eye contact.

“Hey,” Alex said gently. “I missed you, love.” 

Olivia searched Alex’s eyes, swallowing her emotions.

“We’ll talk about it later,’ Alex murmured, and Olivia nodded, leaning in for another soft kiss.

Alex wrapped her arms around Olivia, sticking a hand in the back pocket of her jeans, and leaning her head against Olivia’s shoulder.

“Oh, get a room!” Abbie called teasingly over her shoulder from the porch. “Hey, Liv!”

Alex rolled her eyes into Olivia’s shoulder. “This is our house! These are all our rooms!” She called back in an equally teasing tone.

“I have to practice my wedding kiss,” Olivia explained. “We’ve only got a couple of weeks and I’ll need to practice. Wouldn’t want to get it wrong for the front page of the New York Times. That would be embarrassing. What do you think? Kiss 1?” She took Alex’s face gently in both hands, smiled, and placed a soft kiss on her mouth. “Kiss 2?” She wrapped her arms around Alex’s waist, tilted her head to the right, and leaned into the kiss. “Or Kiss 3?” Alex giggled as Olivia spun her around and dipped her for a kiss, and Alex wrapped her arms around Olivia’s neck.

When she was done, she leaned Alex back against the counter and smiled shyly at her, biting her lip. 

“I think I like Kiss 2,” Alex said, smiling. “But, I don’t know. Kiss 3 would certainly make a good shot for the Times. Maybe we’ll have to go over those again, just to be sure,” she said, winking at Olivia. “Everyone settled in?” She asked, and Olivia nodded.

“I showed Sarah and Casey their rooms upstairs and the bathroom. They’ll probably want to rest a bit. We left really early.”

“I wasn’t expecting you this early. I figured you’d be stuck in traffic most of the day.”

“That’s why we left at 5, to get out of the city before the traffic. If we’d left any later, it would’ve taken 6 or 7 hours to get to Wood’s Hole instead of 4.”

Alex nodded, and poured her a cup of coffee. “Are you going to go up to rest too?” She asked.

“I’ve got big plans for resting this weekend,” she said, following Alex onto the porch to sit at the table. “I think I’m going to start with a nap upstairs. Tomorrow I’ll do a nap on the beach, and maybe I’ll be able to squeeze in a nap on the couch. Monday’s naps are still up in the air, but probably the swing and maybe another beach nap. It’ll be a tight schedule, but I like to keep busy.”

Everyone chuckled as Olivia smiled. 

“Tough week at the office?” Liz asked.

Olivia sighed into her coffee, and Alex reached over to put her hand on Olivia’s knee. “Just another week of showing up in the middle of someone’s worst nightmare.”

Liz nodded solemnly.

Lexie looked up from her pancakes. “Auntie Alex had a nightmare last night. I went to snuggle with her because she was crying in her sleep. Will you make sure she doesn’t have a nightmare tonight, Auntie ‘Livia?”

Alex opened her mouth and shifted uncomfortably, turning pink.

“Don’t worry, sweetheart. I’ll take care of Auntie Alex,” Olivia reassured her.

After she finished her coffee, Olivia followed Alex into her office to give her the official update on the cases from the week, including the missing child, who had been found dead on Wednesday morning, and whose case had been passed on to Homicide once they had determined that there was no element of sexual assault. By Thursday, in passing over the case file, they had determined that the father had committed the murder.

Olivia then gave her a play-by-play of Damian Harding’s arrest on Friday afternoon, how they had tracked him down at his sister’s apartment in Washington Heights and brought him in for parole violations and not registering with his parole officer, before the DNA that would allow him to be charged with Langan’s assault the next week finished processing at around the same time.

When they had finished, Alex took her cell phone off her desk and called Trevor on speaker phone. 

“Langan,” he answered on the third ring.

“Cabot and Benson,” Alex replied, her voice equally clipped. “How are you?” She asked in a softened tone.

“Calling to check up on me? You don’t have to do that,” Trevor said bitterly. “In fact, please don’t.”

“We’re calling to give you an update,” Olivia said. “We don’t want to intrude on your weekend, but Elliot and I picked up Harding on parole violations yesterday. He’s in lockup. We thought you should know.”

“The evidence came back from the rape kit late yesterday afternoon, and I’ll be indicting him on Wednesday or Thursday, depending on when I can get in front of a Grand Jury. When can you be available to testify?”

“Look, Alex, I appreciate it, but I don’t know if… maybe it’s better to get him on the parole violations.”

“And let him slide on Rape 2, Sodomy 1, and aggravated assault? You know I can’t do that, Trevor.”

“I really just want to put this behind me, and I can’t… Just, offer him a deal. Assault 2, 5-10.”

“Trevor…” Alex said. “A slap on the wrist for assaulting an office of the court? His defence attorney? You know that even if I could do that, Trevor, I wouldn’t want to.”

“You make deals all the time, Alex. Don’t make me... I won’t testify.”

“What do you mean you won’t testify? Listen, you know I know as well as anyone that it’s hard, and —”

“Alex, I understand why you want me to, but I don’t think it’s going to work for me.”

Alex opened her mouth, and Olivia held up her hand to stop her.

“Trevor, have you talked to a counselor yet? Or your girlfriend?”

“I can’t tell her what happened, and I can’t even... I’m on the meds and I can’t...”

“The HIV meds?” Olivia asked. “My partner had to take those once, for a month until he was cleared, and he was sick as a dog.” She paused. “You know it’s illegal for me to disclose someone’s status, so I’m not going to do that. I’m merely going to suggest that you don’t have to worry about the meds.”

Trevor was quiet for a minute, and let out a sigh of relief. “Thank you.”

“Remember, it’s perfectly normal if you have... performance issues for a while,” Olivia said. “Talking to a counselor, and to your girlfriend, will help.”

“I don’t have performance issues,” Trevor snapped.

“I’m not saying that you do or that you will,” Olivia said kindly. “Just that, if you were to have issues, it would be completely normal.”

“Trevor, you can go to a support group outside of New York if you want,” Alex said. “I went to one in Massachusetts a few times while visiting family, because I couldn’t go to anything in Manhattan either. Then you’re anonymous. Take a ride over to Jersey City. I can get you some recommendations from one of the DAs over there if you want.”

“I don’t think so, but thank you. Is there anything else? Alyssa is going to be back soon.”

“Nothing else for now. I’ll be in touch next week about the Grand Jury, but I strongly urge you to reconsider.”

“Take care, Trevor. Let me know if you need   anything,” Olivia said.

Alex sighed as she ended the call, and Olivia kissed her cheek.

“You know you can’t force him, love.” Olivia said. “He knows as well as anyone how tough it’s going to be for him if he testifies. How many victims has he cross-examined? Do you think he wants someone to put him through that, especially if he hasn’t told his fiancée yet?”

“I know,” Alex said. “But I know it helps, too. He’s not...”

“I know he’s your friend, love, but it’s not your job to fix him, either. And it’s not your job to extol the benefits of therapy either,” Olivia reminded her.

“I know,” she sighed, and took a deep breath. “Okay. Are we done with work for the weekend? Is that all of the news?”

“Well, there’s one more thing,” Olivia said, smiling. 

“What?” Alex asked. 

Olivia reached into her back pocket and pulled out a folded slip of paper, which she handed to Alex.

Alex unfolded it, and put her hand over her mouth, then jumped up and put her arms around Olivia.

“Congratulations!” She exclaimed. “You placed 3rd overall? That’s fantastic. I knew you were brilliant, but... wow. I’m so proud of you!”

Olivia beamed, blushing as she took back the paper with the results of the sergeant’s exam.

“When do you officially get promoted? What did Ellioy say?”

“You think I told Elliot before I told you? Cragen’s the only one who knows. I figured I’d keep it a secret until I can pull rank on him. The promotion ceremony will be sometime in September after they place us. Now Cragen just has to convince the brass to keep me where I am, or they could move me out to be a desk sergeant in Staten Island.”

“Wow. I’m so happy for you. And I’m glad you told me first,” Alex said, winking.

“Of course,” she said, kissing Alex. 

“Not to steal your thunder, but I have something to tell you, too,” Alex continued, explaining Murdock’s offer. “I know logistics will be tricky, but I really don’t want to turn this down.”

“Wait, you haven’t said yes yet? Alex, you have a chance to teach at Harvard. You can’t say no to that. I would never forgive you if you gave up that chance. Wow. This is huge!”

Now it was Alex’s turn to blush and smile. “Okay, I’ll call him back right now. I just didn’t want to say yes without talking to you. It wouldn’t have been fair, especially with Safa...”

Olivia nodded and took her hand. “I appreciate that, but Alexandra, I never want to hold you back from something you want to do. Especially something this big. Everything is figureoutable. And especially with this promotion... I’ll probably have a lot more pull to take Friday nights off. It’ll be less field work, or at least, more control over what I do.”

Alex wrapped her arms around Olivia. “I think things are turning around for us,” she whispered, leaning her head on Olivia’s shoulder.

“I think so too. We have a lot to celebrate,” she said, kissing Alex and running her fingers through her hair. “And,” she murmered, leaning in to whisper into Alex’s ear, “I’ve never made love to a Harvard law professor before,” she said, before pulling back and winking.

Alex made eye contact and laughed, then smacked Olivia gently on the shoulder. “Three qualifiers, Liv? Really?!”

Olivia raised her eyebrows and rolled her eyes back as though she were thinking, while smiling, then shrugged and nodded. “Well, I dated this hot-shot Harvard lawyer and she was really hot and fantastic in bed...”

Alex turned pink. 

“I love you,” Olivia said gently. “We have more to talk about this weekend, including this nightmare I think you weren’t going to tell me about, but I’m looking forward to relaxing, and taking some naps.”

“I love you too. And I’m so proud of you,” Alex said.


	37. Chapter 37

Olivia held Alex’s hand when they emerged from the office, walked through the living room where the kids were watching Rapunzel, and over the back yard onto the beach. They got to the water, and Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex and kissed her forehead, then breathed in her scent.

Alex sighed happily.

They stood in silence for a few minutes, just gently caressing each other’s arm, the water lapping at their feet. Alex reached her foot over and tapped Olivia’s. “You need a pedicure worse than I do,” she teased.

Olivia smiled. “Are we doing that this weekend?” She asked.

“I booked us in for tomorrow. And a couple’s massage on Monday,” Alex confirmed. “I’m going to get my hair trimmed, and see if Safa wants her hair cut too. Want me to make a hair appointment for you?”

Olivia kissed her cheek. “A couple’s massage sounds nice,” she murmured. “I could give you a good massage, though.”

“Oh, I want a massage from you too,” Alex said, winking. “And I thought we’d need at least one soak in the jacuzzi.”

“I don’t know if I’m going to be able to fit all of this in between my naps,” Olivia said.

“I’m sure you’ll manage,” Alex said. “I know you had a hard week. I want you to relax.”

Olivia put her hands in her back pockets and looked out at the ocean, looking at Alex occasionally out of the corner of her eye.

“Lex?” She said finally, swallowing. “Were you going to tell me about that nightmare?”

Alex shrugged and turned away, dragging her toes through the sand. “It was nothing, Liv,” she said. “I just woke up during the night, and then I went back to sleep.”

“How many times? How did Lexie know?”

“Liv, it’s not important. I’m fine.”

Olivia turned to face Alex, and waited until she made eye contact. “It matters to me, love,” she whispered. “I don’t want to hurt you. Is it because of what we did last night?”

“Liv, are you okay with what we did last night?”

“Not if it hurts you,” Olivia said.

Alex put her hand on Olivia’s arm. “Liv, don’t do this,” she said. “You shared something beautiful and vulnerable with me. Don’t take it back now, please.”

Olivia rubbed her forehead and looked away. “Alex, I...”

“Olivia, I’m a grown woman. I’ve been living in this body and I know that there are sometimes consequences when we make love. That doesn’t mean I want to stop. I knew the risks, and I disregarded them because I wanted to share that with you. Plus, one night of bad sleep means now I can go take a nap with you.”

Olivia nodded. “I... you didn’t... though.”

Alex looked into Olivia’s eyes. “I didn’t,” she admitted. “I didn’t really try. But I loved hearing you,” she whispered. 

Olivia blushed and looked at her feet. 

“Olivia,” Alex whispered, taking the woman’s hands in hers. “I always want to choose you. I always want - whenever I have a choice between you, and being afraid of my past, I choose you. The nightmare isn’t telling me to be afraid of being with you. It’s showing me where I might stay stuck if I let myself think I’ve come far enough.”

Alex reached up to touch Olivia’s face and wiped away a tear. “I love you, Liv, and I want to have the best with you, including the best sex,” she whispered. “You deserve that. We deserve that.”

“It’s already the best,” Olivia said, stroking Alex’s cheek. “It’s the best because we’re emotionally connected, and because I love you.”

“But it still bothers you when we have ‘the best sex’ and then I can’t... take pleasure, or I do and I have a bad dream. Or if I have to stop.”

Olivia looked at her feet again, and bit her lip.

“Liv, can I ask you something?” She waited for Olivia to look at her and nod. “When we talked about the toy I bought, you said, that I ‘tell you you’re gentle and not like him,’” Alex said gently, pausing. “Who did you mean?”

She studied Olivia as her face contorted. God, I’m such an idiot, Alex chastised herself.

“You’re not like either of them, Liv. Robert or your sperm donor,” she said, caressing Olivia’s cheek with her palm. “The nightmares make you feel like you’re raping me. Like you’re making me relive it,” she posited. She didn’t need to see Olivia’s face for confirmation.

She pulled Olivia into her arms and held the back of her head into her shoulder.

“I’m so sorry I didn’t see how much this is hurting you. That no matter how gentle and loving you are with me, you still feel like you hurt me without meaning to.”

“I didn’t want to make it about me,” Olivia said, her voice cracking as she clung to Alex. “I know it’s not.”

“Liv, what are you ashamed of?”

“I just thought... if I could be gentler, if I could just make you feel good, if I loved you enough...”

“That I would just magically... not have the same issues other rape survivors have? That you could make it all go away?”

Olivia shrugged. 

“Sweetie, the orgasms are good, but they’re not that good,” Alex chided gently, and Olivia smiled.

They were silent for a few moments.

“Do you want me to tell you what my therapist asked me when I told her that I thought I should just recover already because I put him in jail, and I had you, and I did all the right things?” Alex asked. “She asked me who I thought I was, and why I thought I didn’t have to be human like everyone else,” Alex said, smiling ruefully. “Why I thought I could negotiate my way out of dealing with everything.”

“Hmm,” Olivia said.

“So, love, who do you think you are that your mere presence can erase trauma?” Alex asked gently. “Even you can’t love me out of PTSD."

Alex held Olivia and rocked her, running her fingers through her hair as Olivia cried into her shoulder.

“Liv, the only thing I can ask of you is that you give me a safe place to be sexual with you, and you absolutely do that. That’s not the same thing as making sure I always feel safe. You can’t control that, love. It’s not your job.”

“Lex, I wish I could protect you.”

“From my own mind? My own memory?” Alex asked. She shook her head. “Olivia, listen to me,” Alex said, waiting for her lover to stand up and look into her eyes. “I am so sorry for how this has been affecting you, and I love you for choosing me, and being vulnerable with me, and loving me, even when you thought it might hurt me and make you uncomfortable.”

She paused putting her hand on Olivia’s heart. “I want… what I want is for us to do what feels good, without being afraid. Because if something hurts me, it’s just showing me something else that needs to be healed. It means we’ve healed one layer, and you’re making me feel safe and loved enough to uncover the next one.”

“What I really want right now is to drag you up to bed and kiss you until none of this hurts anymore,” Olivia murmured. 

Alex touched her face. “Well, I’d like to make it a bit less obvious,” she said, smiling. “Why don’t you go up and rest for a little while. You’re exhausted. And I’m going to take Safa with me and Abbie to go pick out a dress, and when we come back, we’ll have lunch, and maybe I’ll come wake you up from your nap. How does that sound?”

Olivia nodded. “I love you,” she whispered. “I’m sorry I —“ 

“Olivia, you don’t need to be sorry,” Alex said. “You just need to work through the guilt.”

Olivia swallowed, and took Alex’s hand as they turned to walk towards the house, rinsed their feet off under the spigot on the side of the house, and went back inside. 

Olivia climbed the stairs to their bedroom, where she pulled the curtains closed, wrapped her arms around Alex’s pillow, and cried, until she was ready to go to sleep.


	38. Chapter 38

Alex knew the minute she tried on the periwinkle blue tea-length satin dress that it was the one. It was only the third one she tried, but she had been buying dresses and tailored suits from this boutique since homecoming in high school, and Mrs. DeVere knew her style, and the selection of potential dresses she had set aside was impeccably Alex.

Lexie gasped when she emerged from the dressing room.

Abbie gaped. “That’s the one,” she said.

Alex twirled in front of the 3-panel mirror. “I think so,” she said.

“Oh honey,” Mrs DeVere gushed. “You look beautiful.” She poured more champagne into Alex’s and Abbie’s glasses. “That Olivia is a lucky woman.”

Alex looked in the mirror and blushed. “She sure is,” Alex replied, and they all laughed.

“I can’t wait to meet her. When is she coming down for her dress?”

“I’m not sure if she’ll come today,” Alex said. “She had a long week, so she has several naps planned. I’ll try to get her down here tomorrow morning.”

“I’ll drag her if I have to,” Abbie said.

Lexie pulled on Alex’s arm. “Auntie Alex, can I try on dresses now? Can I get the same color as you?” She asked.

Alex nodded. “You can get whatever color you want,” she said. “Let’s see what Mrs DeVere has for you. Can we get something for Safa to try on, too?”

Mrs. DeVere handed Lexie a couple of hangers with dresses in her size, and Michelle accompanied her into one of the dressing rooms. She flicked hangers through the rack at lightening speed, looking for something, studied Safa, frowned, and went to the back room.

“We’re going to get you a dress for our wedding,” Alex explained. “We’re going to have a big party, and you can get whichever dress you like best, okay?”

Safa nodded, and stood slowly, and Alex ushered her into the dressing room she had used. Standing behind Safa as the girl looked into the mirror, she made eye contact with Rym and put her fingers on the edge of the headscarf.

“Let’s take this off for a minute, okay, sweetheart?” She asked gently, undoing the pins that held it together on the side of her head. When she folded the scarf and set it on her purse, she ran her fingers through Safa’s long, thick hair, gathering it into a ponytail.

Mrs. DeVere came in with several dresses on hangers, and Alex unzipped the first. “Do you want help?” Safa shook her head, and Alex left her to get changed into the first dress.

After a few moments, Safa hadn’t yet emerged from the dressing room, and Alex began to slowly draw the curtain. “Is everything alright?” She asked, careful to give Safa enough time to pull it closed if she still needed privacy.

Safa didn’t turn her head to see Alex enter, but instead stayed still, watching her own reflection in the mirror, studying the dress on her body. Alex stood behind her and gently pulled up the zipper, then met Safa’s eyes in the mirror. She put her hands gently on the sides of Safa’s bare arms, and smiled at her.

“You look beautiful,” she said. “Is this the one you like? Do you want to try on the others?”

Safa smoothed her hands over the lap of the dress, and bowed her head as tears welled up in her eyes.

“What’s wrong, sweetheart?” Alex asked.

“I can’t wear this,” Rym translated for her. “He’ll be mad.”

“Who will be mad, Safa?” Alex asked. She turned the girl to look at her face-to-face, and sat down in a chair in front of her to make eye contact.

“Allah. And my husband. I can’t show off my body.”

“Safa, Allah is not going to be angry with you for what you wear. And Mr. Al-Masri is *never* coming back. He is not your husband anymore,” Alex reassured her.

“Safa, when you wear the veil, or when you choose modest clothes, it should be because you want to, not because you think Allah will be angry with you if you don’t,” Rym added. “Nobody is going to hurt you for wearing what you like.”

“Allah made you beautiful,” Alex said. “You don’t have to hide yourself. Wearing clothes that look nice is okay. Not wearing the veil is okay, if that’s what you want.”

**********

Olivia murmured, still half asleep, when Alex slipped into the bedroom in the dark, locked the door, shed her capri jeans, and crawled into bed next to her on top of the covers. She kissed Olivia’s forehead and inhaled her scent deeply, nuzzling into her neck. It had been nearly 3 hours since she had ordered her lover to make up for lost sleep.

Olivia shifted closer to Alex, and puckered her lips for a kiss, without opening her eyes or really being conscious, really. Alex obliged, as gently as possible, then ran her fingers through Olivia’s hair, brushing her thumb under her eyes, where she noticed the signs she had wept before she fell asleep. She wrapped an arm around Olivia, facing her, and placed her other palm lightly over her lover’s heart.

Olivia’s eyes fluttered and she shifted, leaning into Alex’s touch.

“Olivia,” Alex murmured. “Good evening, love.”

Olivia opened her eyes, panicked, and grasped for her phone. “What time is it?!”

Alex chucked. “Just kidding, sweetheart. It’s only 2,” she said, kissing her again.

Olivia sighed and relaxed.

“Sleep well?”

Olivia nodded. “Where is everyone?” She asked.

“Sarah and Jake went into town. Abbie did too. Liz and Lena are sunbathing. Andrew is napping, and so is Michelle. Bill took Lexie to ride her bike. Rym is on her laptop on the porch and Safa is watching a movie.”

Olivia raised an eyebrow. “So... we’re alone? And we have time?” She asked suggestively.

Alex blushed. “Maybe...”

“I want to make it up to you. Last night. I was selfish,” Olivia whispered.

“Liv, you weren’t selfish,” Alex said. “You’re allowed... encouraged, even... to take pleasure in this relationship. There’s nothing to make up. Now,” she said, leaning into kiss Olivia, “I believe the agreement was to kiss you until this doesn’t hurt.”

They kissed for a long time, slowly, and Olivia intertwined her fingers with Alex’s, caressing them with her thumb.

“I found an amazing dress,” Alex said between kisses. “And Mrs. DeVere put aside a bunch for you to try, so you need to go there tomorrow.”

“You’ll look amazing in any dress,” Olivia said, smiling. “And even more amazing without one.”

Alex blushed. “Olivia,” she whispered. “I missed you this week. I want you.”

“Sweetheart, we need to be careful right now. Gentle. I don’t want to send you into another flashback.”

“Liv, I promise I’m okay,” Alex said.

“I believe you,” Olivia said, kissing her gently again on the mouth. “I want to make sure you enjoy yourself. That you can relax. We have all weekend, sweetheart. We’re not in a rush.”

“I can most definitely relax,” Alex said, emphasising each word as she kissed Olivia in between. “Can you?”

Olivia pulled back for a moment to look her in the eye, smiled and nodded, before putting her hands on either side of Alex’s waist, and caressing her with her thumbs, before drawing her hands up Alex’s back and removing her t-shirt. She threw Alex’s shirt on the floor and rolled her on her back, emerging from the sheets to kneel over her lover. Leaning down to kiss Alex again, she brushed hair out of her face and began her usual ritual, kissing down Alex’s neck and collarbone to the scar on her shoulder, down between her breasts to her stomach, dipping her tongue into Alex’s navel.

Alex sighed happily, a haze of arousal settling over her. She hadn’t really had the chance to cool down after the phone sex, and Olivia’s touch that morning had reawakened her. 

As Olivia reappeared above her, Alex pulled her down for a kiss, then took advantage to remove Olivia’s t-shirt, and pull her so they were lying, chest to chest, as Olivia leaned on her elbows. They made out like that for several long minutes, until Olivia pressed her hip into Alex’s core, Alex’s leg wrapped around her back to hold her in close, fingers gently grasping her hair.

When Olivia felt Alex begin to rock against her, she shifted to end the kiss and got up on her knees, to pull her lover’s panties off.

“Liv...” Alex murmered. “Come back.”

Olivia teased Alex’s taut abdomen with her fingertips, and Alex let out a soft moan as Olivia dragged her index fingertip down Alex’s belly, across her thigh, and down and through her folds, barely brushing alongside her clit.

“I want to taste you,” she whispered, but Alex shook her head and sat up, reaching to pull off Olivia’s panties, dropping them on the side of the bed.

Naturally, the women folded into each other’s embrace, wrapping their arms around each other and intertwining their legs, never breaking their kiss until their bodies were completely flush. Mouth to mouth, breast to breast, vulva to vulva, they held hands and pushed against each other, taking pleasure in the delicious friction between their legs.

After a few moments, Alex pulled back slightly, her eyes dark, to look at Olivia, whose face was wild with want, and who look uncomprehendingly at Alex as she slowed her movements.

“You okay, sweetheart?” Olivia whispered, tenderly brushing Alex’s hair away.

“Oh,” Alex moaned softly, tipping her head back. “Way better than okay,” she said, smiling at her. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Olivia said, looking Alex in the eyes as she took her hand. “Do you trust me?” She asked, and Alex nodded.

Olivia maintained eye contact as she brought her hand and Alex’s down between them, extended Alex’s fingers, and touched them gently to her sensitive flesh.

Alex shuddered slightly, and gripped Olivia’s shoulder with her other hand as they kissed, and Olivia guided Alex’s fingers between them, stroking expertly. After a few moments, Alex made eye contact with Olivia, smiling and kissing her as she withdrew her fingers, moving Olivia’s to her entrance.

She held Olivia tighter and whispered in her ear, “I want you inside me,” and let out a breath as she slowly slipped two fingers into Alex.

Alex put her forehead on Olivia’s shoulder, holding her tight as Olivia whispered in her ear. “You feel so good,” she murmured, moving her fingers in and out slowly, before brushing her thumb gently near Alex’s clit. It wasn’t often that Alex wanted to be penetrated, and being inside her felt insanely good.

As Alex adjusted and relaxed, she loosened her grip on Olivia and brought her own hand bck down, probing Olivia. She pulled back to look into her eyes and request permission, then leaned forward to kiss her, slipping her fingers in as far as they could go as their mouths met again. 

She gasped as she pressed her thumb against Olivia’s clit and her lover fluttered around her fingers. 

Olivia smiled at her and moved her fingers gently again, and Alex followed suit, holding eye contact while they slowly pumped into each other, falling into a steady rhythm. 

Alex noticed Olivia’s breath shortening and her fingers slowing, and realizing she was getting close, began moving her thumb back and forth, and captured her mouth again.

“That’s it, love,” she encouraged softly between kisses. She pressed her fingers forward and held Olivia, as Olivia’s body took over, shuddering and gripping Alex’s fingers as she continued to pleasure Olivia’s clit.

When Olivia’s body had relaxed and Alex had slowed her fingers, Alex kissed her again before withdrawing her hand. Olivia reached for it and brought Alex’s fingers to her mouth, and Alex’s eyes widened as she licked them clean. When she had finished, she kissed Alex, sharing her taste, and began pumping her fingers slowly again.

Without removing her fingers, she maneuvered to lay Alex back on the pillow, and knelt over her, spreading her knees.

“You are so beautiful,” she murmured, kissing down Alex’s neck, and teasing each of her breasts with her tongue, as her breath got short. Her mouth ended between Alex’s legs, and she pressed a light kiss to Alex’s clit before she began to murmur words of love.

“I know you’ve been hurt before,” she said in a low voice, barely audible to Alex above her labored breathing. “And I know that it’s been difficult for you to feel good,” she continued.

“Liv?” Alex asked. “Are you... talking to my vagina?”

“Shh,” Olivia replied, smiling. “I’m having a private conversation here.” She caressed Alex’s outer lips with her free hand, before lowering her voice again. “My job — *our* job — is to make Alex feel good. And I promise that I will *always* do my best to make you feel good, and that you can trust me to make Alex feel good. I’m so sorry for every time you’ve been hurt in the past, but I’m going to make sure you never get hurt again. And I love you for trying to protect Alex sometimes, but she’s safe, and just needs help feeling good. We can do that together.”

Olivia kissed her clit again and began caressing with her tongue as she pumped Alex slowly. It wasn’t too long before Alex reached down to grip Olivia’s hand, and exploded with pleasure. Olivia began sucking gently, driving her quickly toward another intense orgasm, before withdrawing her fingers and licking them clean as well, then snuggling up to Alex.

**********

Sarah held Jake’s hand as they walked through the center of town, popping into random boutiques and eventually stopping for iced coffee at a little café on a corner near the beach, which they took over to the sand.

“The most important thing this weekend is to stay away from Safe,” Sarah explained. “Just… treat her like a cat. It’s okay if she comes to you, but don’t go near her.”

“Why?” Jake asked. “I’m not going to hurt her.”

Sarah sighed. “Because she’s afraid, and doesn’t speak English, and we don’t want her to freak out.”

“But, why would she freak out though, unless someone is trying to hurt her? And she has that translator woman, so she knows she’s okay.”

“Just, leave her alone,” Sarah said, irritated. “She’s been through a lot, and she’s in a strange place with strange people. The least you can do is just stay away from her.”

“Okay, okay,” Jake said, leaning over to kiss her. “I get it. I’ll stay away from her.”

“Good,” she said, and turned to face him. “You know, just because you don’t get something, or someone’s boundaries, doesn’t mean you get to ignore them or question them. Her feeling safe with the new people she lives with is more important than what you think about it.”

“Okay. I get it. I’m sorry,” he said.

“I mean, we’re not going to be there most of the time anyway. Alex said there’s like, a private community center or something with a pool, and a game room, and a gym, and stuff like that. She said they have stuff like mini golf too. Maybe we should go check it out.”

“Yeah, let’s do that. I bet I can beat you at mini golf,” he joked.

**********

Alex and Olivia showered together in silence, Olivia brushing her fingers against Alex’s cheek, and Alex let out a sigh.

“I love you,” Olivia whispered, after she turned off the water and wrapped Alex in a towel, pulling her close.

“I love you too, Liv,” Alex whispered in return. “Let’s go downstairs to get you some lunch. You must be starving.”

Alex pulled out some trays of cut vegetables out of the fridge and put them on the counter, then handed a plate to Olivia.

“What are you drinking?” She asked.

“I’ll have a beer,” Olivia replied.

“Hey, can you grab me one too?” Bill called from the porch.

Alex grabbed a couple of beers from the fridge and opened them, before they went to sit at the table on the porch.

“Rym, Casey, I hope you know that you can help yourself to anything, whenever. There are more drinks in the fridge in the basement, including soda and bottled water, if we run out up here,” Alex explained.

“What’s the plan for this afternoon, besides hanging out on the beach?” Olivia asked.

Abbie shrugged. “I’m going to read on the beach. I haven’t decided yet if I’m going out tonight.”

“You should go,” Alex said.

“Can I come?” Casey asked. “It’s been forever since I’ve just gone out to have fun.”

Abbie blushed. “Well, I was going to go to a women-only bar…”

“That’s okay, I’m seeing someone. Will be nice to not get hit on, you know?” Casey said.

“Well, you might get hit on, just not by men,” Abbie said. “Sure, you can come if you want. I'm not really... on the market yet.”

“How’s that going, anyway?” Olivia asked. “We need an official update on Eric the English teacher.”

Casey laughed, and turned pink. “It’s going… quite well,” she said. “He’s got the summer off, so he’s in Connecticut with his family this weekend.”

“Is he going to be in the city all summer?”

“I think so, but I’m not taking much time off. Maybe I’ll take a few days after Alex gets back, but I’ve got a couple of trials to prep for, and we haven’t hired anyone new yet for the department.” Casey said. “So obviously when Alex is gone, it’s all me."

“Well, the fiscal year just ended and after I turn in the annual report next week, I’m supposed to have a meeting with Branch about bringing someone new on for SVU. At least one more. We’re supposed to be moving DV under the SVU umbrella, but I told him I want to separate out the prosecution stats and train at least one more ADA,” Alex said. “So hopefully it’ll get better soon and you can take some time off.”

“When do we get to meet him and judge him?” Olivia asked. “I’m not above requesting a warrant when you’re out on a date.”

Casey laughed. “Well…” she said, hesitating. “That’s the thing. He doesn’t exactly know I work in SVU yet.”

“What do you mean?” Olivia asked.

“He knows I work for the DA’s office. I just… haven’t exactly been forthcoming about the details of my job. I just kind of change the subject when it comes up. And I’ve only had one trial since we started dating, so I think he thinks I just do paperwork all day.”

“Well, the longer you wait to tell him, the more awkward it’s going to be,” Abbie said. “Do you think he’ll be weirded out?”

Casey shrugged. “I just… don’t want to go there yet.”

“You know,” Olivia said. “Someone once told me that if you don’t think you can talk to him about what you do, maybe it’s just not that serious.”

“Touché,” Casey said. “I’m going to tell him. Just… not yet.”

“Rym, do you have any plans to do anything? Feel free to go out and enjoy yourself, too.”

“Um,” Abbie said. “I don’t know if you’d want to… but you’re welcome to come out with us tonight. To, um… it’s a lesbian bar. They’re supposed to have good music. You don’t have to… they have non-alcoholic stuff too. If you want.”

Rym smiled. “Uh, sure. I’ve never been to a lesbian bar before, but… sounds fun. Thanks."

“Liv and I may go out tomorrow night,” Alex said. “As long as someone is willing to stay here with Safa. Or I guess we could take her to the restaurant with us."

“Uh, Alex?” Bill said. “Dad wanted to go out to dinner tomorrow night. With all of us. I’m supposed to figure out how many of us there are and make a reservation."

“Oh, that sounds nice,” Alex said.

“Yeah, he said that he and Sharon would get here around lunchtime —“ he paused and clapped his hand over his mouth as Michelle smacked his arm. “Oh shit,” he said.

Alex’s eyes narrowed. “Who is Sharon?” She asked.

“I wasn’t supposed to say anything,” Bill said. “Sharon is… Dad’s been seeing someone.”

“Sharon is Dad’s girlfriend?” Alex asked, visibly annoyed. “And he didn’t think that I didn’t actually invite her to my house?”

“Surely you don’t think you’re the only one who went to the school of Ask Forgiveness, Not Permission,” Lena said, looking up from her Kindle from the porch swing, where she and Liz were both reading. “Where do you think you learned it?”

Alex scoffed.

“He wants to bring her to your wedding as his date,” Bill explained. “But he wanted you to meet her first. It’s going to be fine. She’s perfectly nice.”

“You’ve met her?” Alex said.

Bill’s eyes darted around, wondering how to end his sister’s interrogation. “I have,” he admitted, deciding to give as little information as possible. “It’s just… the time wasn’t right to introduce her to you, with the adoption stuff and everything. But now he’s obviously running out of time. And he didn’t want to risk you saying no.”

“Well, he’s right, because I would have said no. And _you’re_ the one who's responsible for this,” Alex added. “You should have told me Dad was seeing someone. How long has it been?”

Bill shifted uncomfortably. “A… I’m not sure exactly. A while.”

“Fine.” Alex said. “But he is going to be the one to entertain her, not me. If he goes golfing every day, she better have something to do, because I’m not doing wedding talk or anything with her.”

“Understood,” Bill said. “It’s going to be fine, Alex. I promise you she’s nice, and she wants to meet you."


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After I posted the last chapter, I went back and added a little snuggling. So, if you like that kind of thing, you might want to go back and reread. :-)

Bill cleared the dishes off the table after dinner, inviting Jake to help him, as the women continued to chat.

“So, Sarah,” Liz asked, setting down her glass. “What are you doing with your life?”

“Well, I don’t know. I just declared a major in political science with a concentration in human rights,” she said.

“That’s good. Smart. And what do you do for fun?”

Sarah shrugged. “Studying takes up a lot of my time. I was in the Bach Society choir,” she offered. “I tried the debate team in the fall but it was too intense for me. Everyone else was really good at it.”

“People get really good at it by doing it,” Liz said. “Debate could be good for you if you want to go to law school after college. Better to be terrible at it in college and learn how to do it now. If you get into a courtroom, you’ll be wishing you had the debate experience.”

“Maybe,” Sarah said. 

“Are you thinking of law school? I assume you are, since you took the internship in the DA’s office.”

“Yeah, I am,” she said. “I want to focus on my grades so I can get into a good school.”

“Work is important,” Liz agreed. “But knowing how to have fun and de-stress is important too. You can’t be working and studying all the time. You need a hobby, and a way to exercise.”

“I took karate for my gym requirement this semester.”

“But you have to exercise every day,” Liz said. “And do something for fun, and something to take care of yourself every day. It sounds to me like you’re very focused on doing well in school, and that’s great. But college is also for having fun, and going to parties, and making friends.”

* * * * * 

When the table was cleared, Alex took Safa over to the couch, and sat down next to her, with Rym on the other side to translate. Olivia sat across from them on an ottoman.

“Safa, sweetie, Alex’s brother Bill is a doctor, and he wants to look at the burn on your face,” Olivia explained. “He’s just going to look, to see if there’s anything we can do to help it heal. Is that okay?”

Safa tensed up, but nodded slowly, and Rym unclasped the pin holding together her scarf. Alex looked over and beckoned at Bill, who nodded and went quickly upstairs to get his supplies.

“Do you feel okay? Does anything hurt that we should ask him about?” Alex asked.

Safa shook her head. “I feel okay,” she said. 

Bill came downstairs, stethoscope around his neck, and Olivia moved over to let him sit across from the girl. He smiled, and held his palms up, and then motioned for her to turn her head to the side. Safa turned her face, slowly, and watched out of the corner of her eye, trying not to flinch as Bill’s hand came up near her ear.

He moved slowly, then pulled his hand away. “Hey, Safa, look what I found,” he said, holding a quarter between his fingers, and grinning. “You need to wash behind your ears better!” He exclaimed, putting it into her palm.

Safa’s lip turned up a bit, in an almost smile, that disappeared almost as quickly as it had appeared when Bill touched his fingers gently to the side of her face to examine her for a moment. He reached behind her ear again, this time, pulling out a red clown nose, which he handed to Alex to put on Safa’s nose, as she smiled briefly again. He reached behind her ear a final time, looking incredulous, as he pulled out a flower and handed it to her, and she giggled.

“Everything looks good,” he said. “Fortunately it looks like not much of the acid got onto her face, and it doesn’t look very deep. We could easily do a skin graft and she’d have minimal scarring. Not sure if you’d be able to get coverage for it through her medicaid, as they’ll probably call it cosmetic, but I could do it, no problem.”

“Thanks, Bill,” Alex said. “You okay, sweetie?”

Safa nodded shyly, touching her clown nose.

“Can I check out the baby too?” Bill asked, holding up the end of the sthoscope as he put the earpieces in his ears. He moved slowly, waiting for her to nod, and Alex lifted the girl’s shirt up slightly, placing a hand gently on top of her protruding belly.

Safa flinched as Bill first touched the stethoscope to her, Alex watching her face carefully as he moved it a few times, frowning slightly.

“Everything okay?” Alex asked quietly, hoping Safa wouldn’t pick up on her worry.

“Fine,” Bill said. “How far along did you say she was?”

“We’re not sure,” Olivia interjected. “The OB at Mercy estimated about 25 weeks based on her hormone levels, size of her stomach, and measurements of the fetus during the ultrasound. But she said the measurements weren’t very accurate this far along.”

“Do you happen to have a copy of the ultrasound with you?” He asked.

“Bill, you’re making me nervous. What’s going on?” Alex asked.

Bill shook his head. “It’s okay,” he said. “I just think she’s not as far along as the OB thought.”

“How?” Olivia asked. 

Bill took off the stetoscope and put the earpieces in Olivia’s ears, and moved the nob to Safa’s chest. “Listen to her heart, what does it sound like?”

“Ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum,” Olivia said. Sounds normal to me.”

He moved the stethoscope nob back down to her belly. “And now?”

“Ba-ba-dum-dum, ba-ba-dum-dum,” Olivia said. “I can hear Safa’s heart and the baby’s heart.”

Bill shook his head, and took the ultrasound picture that Alex presented, looking at it intently. 

“Ah. Here’s the placenta,” he said, pointing at the top with his finger. “And here’s the umbilical cord,” he continued, tracing it down to the fetus’s middle. “And here,” he emphasized, “is the *other* umbilical cord. You need to get her another, more detailed ultrasound,” he explained.

“Safa is having twins?” Alex asked, incredulous.

“I think so,” Bill said. “It would explain why her hormone levels were so high. If it’s twins, she’s probably more like 16-17 weeks along.”

Alex bit her lip, and Olivia reached out to touch her hand.

“Which means she doesn’t have to go through with it,” Alex said, nearly whispering. She swallowed. “We need to get her checked out here, on Monday. And I need to call Lorna Scarry to be her guardian ad litem. It’s going to have to go through family court. Her medicaid wouldn’t cover a termination, but...”

“Lex,” Olivia interjected, squeezing Alex’s hand. “Let’s... let’s just see what the situation is.”

Alex nodded, a bit numb, and smiled tightly at Safa.

Olivia smiled. “Safa,” she said, getting the girl’s attention before crossing her eyes and sticking out her tongue.

Safa giggled again, and Olivia pointed to Alex, who tolled up her tongue and rolled her eyes as far back as she could.

They continued making funny faces for a few moments, before bursting into fits of laughter that had Olivia wiping a tear from the corner of her eye.


	40. Chapter 40

Alex went upstairs after Lexie’s bath to read to her from the Nancy Drew book, while Olivia took care of Safa’s bath.

“Hey,” Abbie said, knocking on the open door to the master bath, decked out in black skinny jeans and a low-cut sequined top. “Rym, you’re coming out, right? Liv, you sure you don’t want to come?”

“I’m coming,” Rym confirmed. “Let me just help put Safa to bed, and...”

Olivia waved her off. “I’ve got it from here if you want to leave,” Olivia said. “I’m going to stay in tonight. I’m still exhausted, and Alex and I have to catch up on Parks and Recreation. We’ve had the last 6 episodes to watch since April.”

“Sure, Liv,” Abbie said, winking. Olivia blushed. “Have a good night. Rym, take your time. We’ll meet downstairs when you’re ready.”

“Is she... always like that?” Rym asked, as Abbie left.

“What do you mean?” Olivia asked. “Abbie is... Abbie.”

“I don’t know. She makes me nervous. I don’t know what I’m getting myself into,” Rym said, laughing.

Olivia looked thoughtful. “Have you ever been to a lesbian bar before?”

Rym shook her head.

“Abbie will look out for you and make sure you’re not uncomfortable. And Casey won’t cause any trouble. But you don’t have to go if you’d rather stay here. Our plan is to watch TV in the den. Maybe if things get really crazy and Alex drinks more than I do, we’ll play Scrabble. Or you can come up here and relax in the jacuzzi.”

Rym shrugged. “I kind of want to see what it’s about.”

Olivia nodded. “You should have fun,” she said.

“I don’t know why I’m nervous,” Rym continued. “I mean, it’s just dancing, right? Nothing to be nervous about.”

“I assume that where you grew up, there weren’t a whole lot of lesbians around,” Olivia posited.

Rym shook her head, and frowned. “Women get married really young where I’m from. Maybe now people learn about it from the internet, but…”

“Listen, Rym,” Olivia said. “I… I just want to say that I thought you might be uncomfortable with our… situation, and Alex and I appreciate you setting that aside to help Safa. And to help us help Safa. I doubt your religion approves…”

Rym shook her head. “Olivia, I… just so we’re clear, I don’t have a problem with two people who love each other,” she said. “And... I think you two are really sweet together. I hope I find something like that someday.”

Olivia blushed. “Thank you. I’m glad you’re here with us. And I hope you find something like what we have, too. It’s pretty great.”

“Me too,” Rym said. “And thanks.” 

* * * * *

After the kids were asleep and Abbie had left with Rym and Casey, Olivia made popcorn while Alex settled onto the couch and queued up the next Parks and Recreation they hadn’t yet seen on Netflix. She poked her head out onto the porch, where Liz and Lena were playing Scrabble to grab their wine glasses from dinner and an unopened bottle, before returning to the den to grab a blanket and snuggle in on Alex’s right side.

As they watched the comedy - Amy Poehler had always been a mutual favorite - Alex cuddled up to her. Olivia reached over her body and held Alex’s right hand with her own, so she could use her left hand to scratch Alex’s head, and behind her ears, and trace shapes on her skin.

* * * * *

Rym fidgeted nervously under the table, next to Abbie and across from Casey at a tiny table in the hole-in-the-wall dive bar Abbie had found. The fact that it was almost all women, with the occasional man, allowed her to relax, mostly. Though she had always abstained from alcohol, she sometimes went to bars and clubs with her friends from graduate school. It didn’t bother her when others drank, but she suspected that alcohol would help when she was irritated about being groped and hit on by men. What woman in her right mind would react with anything other than disgust at some of the more egregious behavior, she didn’t know.

“I’ll have a margarita, and she’ll have... what do you want?” Abbie asked her, as she surveyed the list of cocktails.

Rym blushed, hoping it wasn’t visible in the dim light of the bar, and pointed to the menu. “One of these with no alcohol, please,” she requested.

“She’s our designated driver!” Abbie said, as the waitress walked away. 

“Uh, we walked,” Rym said, confused.

“Yeah, but sometimes bars give the designated driver free drinks,” Abbie said, shrugging. “If you’re not going to drink, might as well try it.”

Rym nodded in agreement.

Abbie surveyed the bar, pausing her gaze to check out a tall woman on a nearby stool. She smiled as the woman looked at her and made eye contact, nodded briefly, and looked back to Rym, folding her hands on the table.

“To be honest, I’m surprised you came out tonight,” Abbie admitted. “I didn’t think this would be your scene.”

“I may be a bit out of my element,” she replied. “But it seems better than a normal bar, with a bunch of men hitting on me,” she said.

“I just thought... that maybe, I don’t know. I’m sorry. Never mind.”

Abbie’s awkward blundering was interrupted by the waitress arriving with their drinks, naming them as she placed them on the table in front of the women.

Abbie glanced over and started to laugh. “A virgin Sex on the Beach. Nice choice,” she teased. “Santé!” She said, clinking her glass with Rym’s as she looked her straight in the eye and winked. She maintained eye contact as she took a sip, and Rym shifted uncomfortably. 

Casey changed the subject abruptly, inquiring about the new job, and her break with Serena. They hadn’t really known each other at the DA’s office, since they had only overlapped for a short time, and Casey had been in White Collar at the time. 

Rym sipped her drink, looking over Casey’s shoulder as she noticed a pair of women on the dance floor. Dancing wasn’t really the right word for what they were doing, though, mouths together as one woman’s hand caressed the other’s breast through her shirt, and the second woman’s hands roamed down to her backside. She was instantly intrigued. Despite spending time with Alex and Olivia, she had certainly never seen them like that; they were far more discreet. She had looked away out of respect when they kissed, however briefly, in her presence. They weren’t really into PDA.

Rym didn’t recognise the emotion she felt, at first. She wanted to look away, and turned to focus on Casey, but her eyes kept being drawn back to the couple. The music deafened her, and she could barely hear what Abbie said, so she nodded and smiled as the woman from the bar who had nodded at Abbie earlier came over and pulled Abbie out of her seat for a dance.

_I like the idea of being with a man, but any time a man makes a move on me I get incredibly uncomfortable._

She had read that in some internet article about compulsory heterosexuality, which she had googled after something Alex had said at some point, and it popped into her head randomly at that moment. I can definitely relate to that. 

Rym took the last sip of her drink and stood up, beckoning Casey. “We should go dance too!” She shouted, leaning in, and Casey stood up to follow her. They started dancing near Abbie and the other woman, who fortunately were keeping their dance moves PG at the moment.

_I do not like the reality of men, only the idea of being with men._ Suddenly, she felt like her face was burning, and her chest felt tight. She looked at Abbie, whose chest was brushing up against the other woman’s, and motioned towards the bathroom, where she ran off to splash her face with water, cutting the line to get to the sink. Wiping the water off her face, she looked up at her face in the mirror, pulling her eyes open.

Why is Abbie dancing with that other woman anyway, when she’s supposed to be here with us? I barely know Casey. She thought, irritated, before she caught herself. What a weird thing for me to think. She can dance with whoever she wants. But she could dance with us.

After a minute a woman pushed her aside, not really meaning to, so she could wash her hands at the sink. 

Rym took one last look at her reflection in the mirror. I’m sorry, she thought, looking at herself. I can’t do this anymore. I need a drink.

She walked back out to their table, breathing deeply, her hands shaking. She was relieved to find Abbie no longer dancing, but she was instead sitting at their table, hand on the inside of Abbie’s thigh.

Rym sat, fidgeting nervously, looking at the cocktail list and tapping absentmindedly.

“You ready for another round?” Casey asked, nodding towards the cocktail menu.

Rym nodded. “I’ll have the same thing, but I want it with alcohol this time.”

Abbie looked at her curiously. “Are you sure?” She asked. 

Rym nodded again, firmly this time. “I’m sick of... not enjoying myself for these ridiculous rules while men like Mohamed Al-Masri get away with raping girls.”

“Just because people like him exist doesn’t mean...” Casey started.

“Look, at this point, if Allah wants to send me to hell for having a drink, he can go right ahead. I... I don’t need you to tell me what to do.”

Abbie raised her hands in defeat. “Rym, we just don’t want to watch you do something you’ll regret,” she said softly. 

“I... thank you,” she replied. “But, I need to start letting myself try things. I can’t encourage Safa to break the rules she’s known if I can’t do it myself.”

“As long as you’re sure it’s what you want, we’re not judging you,” Casey reassured her.

“Make it a tall, with light ice,” Abbie said. She turned to Rym. “You don’t want to get sick if it’s too strong.”

* * * * *

Sarah closed her laptop as the most recent episode of Grey’s Anatomy ended. She had looked in on Alex and Olivia watching Parks and Recreation upstairs, laughing with their arms around each other, cuddled under the blanket, and wanted to join. They wouldn’t mind, she had tried to reassure Jake. But he had wanted to watch something different, downstairs, where they could cuddle. 

She knew he had come on this trip with certain expectations, or, well, desires, and at first, she fully intended on fulfilling them. Now, though, with him next to her on the pull-out bed, she was less sure.

He leaned over and started to kiss her as she put the closed laptop on the floor, and leaned back.

_Breathe,_ Sar, she thought. It’s finally happening and it’s going to be okay. She was glad she had had that small glass of wine at dinner to take the edge off. Alex had shot her a disapproving look and tried to stop her, but fortunately Liz had been more forgiving. As long as she wasn’t going to leave the house or do anything stupid, a glass of wine with dinner couldn’t hurt.

Her chest tightened up, and she heard her heart pounding in her ears. Time seemed to slow down as he kissed along her jaw, and ran his tongue down her neck. A hand slipped up her shirt under the cup of her bra, and then around her back to unfasten it.

She pushed him over and kissed him from above, not sure if she was excited, or nervous, or terrified, or a little bit of each.

“Are we really doing this?” She murmured, as his erection pressed into her thigh  through their clothes.

Jake looked at her and grinned. “I’m ready if you are,” he said, grinning as he pulled a handful of condoms, free from the health center, from his pants pocket.

“You came prepared,” she said. Her body felt like it was getting ready, and she thought she felt moisture gathering between her legs. She tensed slightly as he cupped his hand there, before she relaxed and allowed herself to press into him.

_That does feel good,_  she thought. She smiled shyly.

* * * * *

By the time they were halfway through the third episode, Olivia was mostly leaning on Alex, her eyes drooping as Alex absentmindedly scratched Olivia’s scalp and ran her fingers through her hair. Noticing Olivia’s fading attention, she kissed her temple.

“Let’s get you up to bed, love,” she whispered. “We can watch the rest of these tomorrow.”

Olivia nodded. “Sorry,” she murmured. “I’m still tired from this week.”

Alex wrapped an arm around her and helped her get off the couch. “It’s alright, Liv. You need to catch up on sleep.”

She turned off the television and went upstairs with Olivia, guiding her into the bathroom where they brushed their teeth.

Olivia washed her face and applied the way-too-expensive face cream Alex had gotten for her, then watched as Alex continued her own routine. She was fascinated by the nightly ritual of makeup removal, and face creams, and eye creams, and moisturizers. Your face is from your forehead down to your breastbone! Alex reminded her. She barely remembered to put on sunblock. No way she could keep track of all of Alex’s magic potions. 

When Alex was done, she wrapped her arms around Olivia and leaned against her in front of the mirror. 

“C’mon,” she said, tucking Olivia’s hair behind her ear. 


	41. Chapter 41

Jake flipped Sarah onto her back and pushed up her shirt and bra, exposing her breasts, and she shivered a bit as he touched her.

Jake got up onto his knees and pulled off his shirt, then his shorts, until he was just in his boxers, leaning over her until their chests were pressed together. He pressed his pelvis into hers and groaned.

He rolled off her momentarily and reached under the sheet, and pulled down her shorts and underwear, tossing them on the floor, and Sarah bent her knees, holding her legs together shyly. He kissed her again and fondled a breast.

A moment later. He pulled off his boxers, and his erection popped out, surprising Sarah. She had seen it before, touched it, even, but she swallowed as she felt its girth. She didn’t know how big her rapist had been, but that had hurt. A lot. Hopefully this wouldn’t, because she wanted it. 

She wanted it. She was ready.

He unwrapped the condom and started to put it on, and she leaned over to unroll it onto him.

She wiped her hands on the sheets, thankful for a second that it wasn’t going to be Alex cleaning the sheets. Alex. They were right upstairs, cuddling and laughing and being all sweet with each other. She wondered if they knew what she was doing right now, or what they’d think. They’d tell her they didn’t think she was ready. That she needed more therapy (insert eye roll here) to be ready. But, she rationalized, maybe the problem wasn’t that she hadn’t waited enough, but that she had waited too much. After all, they had sex. Probably. Definitely. And she wanted someone to touch her, to hold her, the way Olivia held Alex. She had only caught glimpses of it when they didn’t know she was looking, but surely, people who had sex together had that.

When she had rolled the condom all the way down, Jake moved towards her on his knees, and pulled her legs gently apart. He knelt between them, and lay on top of her, leaning on his elbows above her. He groaned as he pushed against her.

Sarah bit her lip and stole a look at his face, then looked to the side at the painting on the wall. He moved his pelvis toward her. It slid against her, missing its target, and pressing against her pelvic bone. She shivered a bit as it slid against her clit. The next time, she recoiled as he missed again, and this time, it went between her legs, towards her backside. She definitely didn’t want that.

Sarah put a hand on his chest to stop him, and he got back up on his knees.

“Sorry,” he said, blushing a bit. 

She shuggred, and words caught in her throat. “Did you bring any... you know... lube? Maybe that would help.”

He shook his head. “I don’t think we need it. The condom has it,” he said. “It’ll be okay. Just have to try again.”

She nodded and he shifted onto her again, and this time, she put her hand down, found her opening, and positioned him there. 

She gripped the sheet with her other hand, pressing herself back into the bed, and squeezing her eyes shut as he pushed in. He let out a deep grunt, before pulling back and thrusting in again. She tried to shift, but ended up just wrapping an arm around his shoulder and her legs around him. It was less uncomfortable when he didn’t get as far out, but it burned when it stretched. Breathe, she thought.

Occasionally, when he thrust in, he smacked against her clit, and for a second, it felt good. Probably like it was supposed to feel. But at the same time, he hit... something inside her... was it her cervix?... and she flinched.

She found herself gripping him, ready for it to be over. It’s not like the other time, she thought.

“You feel so good,” he murmured in her ear, putting his mouth on her breast again. “How does it feel to have me inside you?”

“Mmm,” she moaned, tightening her grip.

He leaned back and put his hand between them, bypassing her clit and brushing it briefly before rubbing his thumb against the tip of her pubic bone.

“That’s it, baby, come for me,” he encouraged, continuing to massage her... somewhere. She reached down to move his thumb to the right place, and he brushed before bringing it back to the pubic bone. She moaned softly, a few times, to encourage him.

It was probably only a couple of minutes total before she felt it pulse inside of her, and he thrust in, hard, and grunted in her ear.

She lay still, arms around his neck, as he collapsed on top of her, making no effort to move. 

“Wow, that was good,” he said excitedly. “Did you...?”

“Mmm,” she replied noncommittally.

“Really? Good for you! I read it was normal for girls to not... their first time.”

Sarah nodded, and shifted.

* * * * *

Alex led Olivia into the bedroom and embraced her, reaching around to unclasp her bra. She rubbed her back, and then lifted off Olivia’s shirt, tossing the garmet in the direction of the laundry basket. Putting her hands on Olivia’s shoulders, she caressed her upper body gently, bringing her hands down Olivia’s back and around to her breasts and stomach, before unbuttoning her pants and pushing them down.

“Do you want a tank top?” Alex asked, speaking softly as Olivia’s eyes continued to droop. 

Olivia shook her head. “Want to feel you,” she murmured.

She reached to undress Alex as gently as she had been undressed, but Alex was faster. She guided Olivia back to sit on the edge of the bed, and put their clothes into the basket. Deciding to forego a tank top as well, Alex slipped into bed next to Olivia, facing her, and began to gently touch her face.

Olivia sighed, kissing Alex as she brought her arm up under her pillow, and she started to tuck Alex’s hair behind her ear and scratch the nape of her neck.

“Tell me about him, Liv,” Alex requested, placing her hand on Olivia’s waist.

Olivia let out a breath between her teeth. “Melinda said he was already dead by the time he was reported missing. There was nothing we could’ve done.”

Alex nodded and wiped a tear away from Olivia’s eye with the pad of her thumb.

“His name was Martin, and he was 4. He already knew how to read, and he liked construction vehicles and Cars. We found him with his Lightening McQueen toy in his hand. He was so little.”

Alex held her. “I’m so sorry, Liv.”

Olivia nodded. “The father did it because the mother was threatening to leave him. We passed it off to homicide on Friday. Connie Rubirosa’s taking it.”

Alex nodded solemnly, continuing to touch her gently. She pressed a soft kiss on Olivia’s forehead, then her lips. “What do you need right now, love?” Alex murmured. “What can I do for you?”

“Just hold me,” Olivia said.

Alex held her, watching her face, for a few long moments. “I might go to church tomorrow, if I wake up early,” she said softly. “I’ll say a prayer for him for you.”

“Maybe I’ll come,” Olivia said.

* * * * *

Jake groaned as he pulled out of her. She went to put her legs back together but he stopped her, moving down to touch her and to look more closely. He spread her lips apart, examining, and then rubbed up and around her clit. He probed her opening, a bit sore, with his fingers, touching and penetrating slightly.

Sarah closed her eyes. She thought it would be over, and leaned her head back into her pillow.

“Do you like that? You want that, don’t you, baby? Girls don’t have to wait to go again, so this one is for you while I get ready again.”

He poked and prodded, and Sarah squirmed underneath him, making the occasional sex noises she thought he’d want to hear. It wasn’t unpleasant, but the longer it went on, the more she wondered whether she was supposed to like this. He didn’t look at her face, just made her make those noises until she said, “oh, yes,” to get it to stop. It wasn’t really doing much for her.

He got back on top of her to kiss her again, fondling her breasts again and kissing her neck and collarbone.

“I’m ready for you again already,” he said, gasping, his semi-erect penis in hand.

Sarah’s eyes opened wide, and a surprised “Oh,” was all she could manage.

“I want to make you feel good all night long,” he whispered in her ear. “It’s so good to finally get to do this.”

* * * * *

Alex held Olivia for a long time, encouraging her occasionally to close her eyes and sleep, but Olivia resisted. After a case like this, even though she was physically and emotionally exhausted, Olivia tended towards insomnia. Before Alex, she would have spiraled into despair from not finding the child earlier, or from overwhelming grief at the terrible ways in which parents could hurt their children. She would get angry, and blame everything from alcohol and abuse to the school-to-prison pipeline to inadequate social protections. Now, with Alex, she just let herself feel sad.

She let Alex hold her, grateful for her attention and her tender touches. Alex was good at letting her be where she was, but she also wouldn’t let her wallow in perpetuity. Alex could bear witness to grief, but did not suffer self-pity. And she seemed to instinctively know when Olivia was about to cross the line. Her wife knew her well.

Olivia smiled just then at the thought, and made eye contact with Alex, who had been staring thoughtfully into space as she comforted Olivia.

Alex met her gaze and smiled softly in return. “What?” She murmured.

Olivia blushed and rubbed the back of her neck. “Nothing,” she said, kissing Alex on the mouth. “I just... I just thought of you as my wife,” she finished, her face breaking out into a grin.

“My wife,” Alex said, grinning back at her. “I like how that sounds.”

“Me too,” Olivia admitted. “I can’t wait.”

“You certainly don’t have to wait long,” Alex said. “I have to say, this short-order wedding planning is stressful.”

“I bet the feat of planning a Cabot wedding in 30 days is more impressive than being the first same-sex marriage in New York,” Olivia said wryly.

Alex giggled. “You’re not wrong,” she said. 

“It’ll be fine,” Olivia said. “Everything will be perfect, because I’m marrying you. We can wear our pyjamas if we want.”

“I’m sure that would be great on the front page of theNew York Times,” Alex said, giggling again. “Not to mention my mother would roll over in her grave. You better pick out a real dress tomorrow. Abbie and Mrs. DeVere will make sure it coordinates with mine.”

“We’ve already picked the readings. We’ve got the cake, the food, the photographer, and the flowers. Then the last thing we have to do is pick out a song,” Olivia said. “And practice dancing.”

“And make sure Liz is going to stay on script,” Alex said. “That might be the hard part. Short, simple, and sweet. Twenty minutes tops.”

“You think Liz is going to follow directions?” Olivia joked. 

“She’d better, or I’ll file an official complaint and have her thrown off the bench,” Alex joked back.

“I’m sure she’ll feel sufficiently threatened,” Olivia said, laughing.

“We’re really doing this,” Alex said.

Olivia smiled and kissed her again. “We really are,” she said. “I can’t wait.”

* * * * *

Jake unrolled a new condom and kissed her as he moved between her legs. This time, he had no trouble finding the right spot and getting in, but now, the frenzy of his first time behind him, it took him longer and more effort . He stayed inside, he pulled up one of Sarah’s legs, then the other, twisting. Sometimes It felt insanely good, when he got the angle right inside her or when he accidentally brushed against her clit while aiming for her pubic bone. He flipped them over, so she was on top of him, pushing up into her as he caressed her breasts, then putting his hand between them so he could find that same spot on her pubic bone. And finally, when Sarah started wondering just how long this was supposed to go on, he flipped her onto her hands and knees, and, after finding her opening again with his fingers, thrust in deep. Sarah bit her lip and swallowed hard, tears coming to her eyes. It was deeper than the first time, and stretched her out more, and she wasn’t as wet as she had been when they’d started, so it burned.

She tilted her pelvis, hoping to prevent him from going quite so deep, as he wrapped around and put his fingers between her legs, rubbing back and forth. This time, he hit an angle inside of her just right, and instead of pain, she felt a moment of intense pleasure, right as his fingers rubbed over exactly the right spot, missing her pubic bone this time.

Oh my god, she thought, the third or fourth time it felt really good for a brief second, her eyes widening in pleasure right before the burn of his deep thrust. That part actually feels kind of good.

And then, Jake grunted behind her, thrusting all the way in as he withdrew his hand from between her legs and pulled her hips back, holding himself inside as he came. Sarah closed her eyes and tensed as it burned and stretched her again, and he collapsed on top of her, pressing her down into the bed.

He put his arm around her, and she waited for him to close his eyes before shifting out of the bed, and putting her clothes back on. She tiptoed upstairs to use the bathroom on the first floor, and as she expected, the lights were out, except for the front porch light for Abbie, Casey, and Rym to come back to. Debating whether to go upstairs to take a shower, she smelled him on her, and decided she should. She didn’t want to smell like sex.

The stairs creaked as she went upstairs to her bedroom, thankful that Alex had had the foresight to give her her own space, and she heard what she thought was a giggle - does Alex giggle?! - from Alex and Olivia’s room, as she blushed hard and rushed into her room. She didn’t want to see them. They would know. And they would want her to talk about it. Sarah stood under the hot water in the shower for a long time, going over what had happened in her mind and trying to figure out how she felt. She had wanted it. Intended it, even. He had wanted her, and he had tried, albeit... unsuccessfully? to make her feel good. And she couldn’t figure out why she felt kind of gross.

* * * * *

Sarah was sitting on the porch swing in the dark, towel on her head, hugging her arms and looking out at the water, when she heard the three drunk women laughing as they fumbled through the door.

“Shhhh,” Casey said. “All the lights are off. Everyone must be asleep!” 

Abbie giggled. “They’re an old married couple already. And God knows what the kids are up to.” She held onto Rym’s shoulder as she kicked off her shoes, biting her lip to peer at the alarm system, which was slightly fuzzy in front of her. “Now, what did Alex say the code was?”

She punched something in and it started to beep.

“No! Abbie! 4-0-1-5,” Casey said, punching the keys quickly to stop the beeping. The women collapsed into muffled giggles.

Alarm crisis averted, they tiptoed not-so-quietly to the kitchen in the dark, and turned on the light, so Abbie could get three glasses and start filling them with ice water.

“Drink lots of water, darlin’, or you’re going to feel it in the morning,” she said, handing Rym her glass.

Rym blushed, and took the drink to hide her face.

Casey nodded towards the window to the porch, where there was an outline of a figure sitting in the dark, rocking on the swing. Her eyes met Abbie’s.

“Oh shit,” Abbie said, noticing Sarah.

“Yeah,” Casey said solemnly.

“I wonder what happened,” Rym said, and the other two women looked at her.

“She probably had sex with her boyfriend,” Abbie said under her breath. The screens were open, and she assumed Sarah was able to hear most of what they were saying. “She wasn’t ready.” She turned to Casey. “Do you think I should go talk to her? See if she’s okay?”

Casey shrugged. “You know her better than I do. And she doesn’t have to work with you,” Casey said. “Better if you do it. Or Alex and Liv, but they’re in bed.”

“Well, good night, then, if you go up,” Abbie said, downing the rest of her water and heading out to the porch.

She sat down next to Sarah on the swing, and Sarah didn’t move or react to Abbie in any way, just stared out at the ocean. They sat in silence for a few moments, Abbie stealing glances out of the corner of her eye at the girl crying quietly beside her.

“Hey,” Abbie said finally, her voice barely above a whisper. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Sarah shook her head, still not turning towards Abbie, and Abbie tentatively reached an arm around her, waiting for Sarah to relax.

“I know it’s not easy,” Abbie said. “Did he hurt you? Or pressure you?”

Sarah shook her head again and sniffled.

They were silent for a few moments. “You know,” Abbie said finally, “there are 3 ways that women can react after being violated. Some women decide that it doesn’t matter, and sex doesn’t matter, and they have sex with anyone at any time. Some women are afraid of sex, and avoid it, or aren’t able to enjoy it for a long time, or find it triggering. Both of those reactions are normal. I was the first one, after my assault in college,” Abbie explained.

Sarah sniffled. “What’s the third one?” She asked.

“The third way is the healthy way. And it’s the most annoying way to those of us who deal in the first two ways,” she said. “It’s when you talk about it, and get therapy, and you don’t avoid sex but you don’t force yourself to do it either. You treat the rape as something that happened to you and that hurt you, but not as something that determines your worth or your identity. And you let yourself be angry and sad, and feel whatever you need to feel, but you don’t use those feelings to hurt yourself.”

Sarah groaned. “That sounds like Alex,” she said, rolling her eyes.

“I’m not talking about Alex, I’m talking about you,” Abbie said. “The way you’ve been dealing with things doesn’t mean anything about you. It’s not that you were doing it wrong. You were doing it the way you could. It doesn’t mean anything about you that you were raped, or that you hadn’t had sex, or that now you have. It doesn’t mean anything that you haven’t coped the same way Alex has.”

Sarah began to cry again. “I just don’t understand… how is she okay and I’m not? It’s been longer for me.”

“Darlin', there’s no timeline,” Abbie said. “Now, I don’t want to make assumptions, but if it had been all wonderful and special I don’t think you would be sitting here by yourself, in the dark, crying. Am I wrong?”  

Sarah shrugged. “He... didn’t really know what he was doing,” she admitted.

“Neither did you,” Abbie pointed out. “And he doesn’t have the same equipment. Has he even had a chance to practice before? You’ve got access to the equipment whenever you want.”

Sarah looked at her oddly.

“Seinfeld joke,” Abbie explained. “Are you too young for Seinfeld? Sorry. Nevermind.” She shook her head. “My point is, hun, that sex is supposed to be exciting and feel good. It’s supposed to be fun. It’s supposed to make you want more of it.”

Sarah wiped away a tear. “Do you think I made a mistake?” she asked.

“Do you think you made a mistake?” She asked, and Sarah shrugged. “So what if you did? But let me tell you this: if you think it was a mistake, you don’t have to make it again.” She put her hand on Sarah’s shoulder. “Are you going to be alright?” She asked.

Sarah nodded, and pushed off the swing, to go up to bed.

Abbie sat for a minute on the swing, finishing her glass of ice water. She didn’t really drink as much as she used to, and for once, dancing with that woman hadn’t really done anything for her. Maybe she was still mourning her relationship with Serena, but she had become easily annoyed, and just wanted to chat with Casey and Rym. Maybe at 38 she was just getting too old for that shit. And seeing Alex and Olivia in love... well, she was starting to realize how starved for love she’d become.

She was surprised to discover Rym sitting at the kitchen table, another glass of water in hand.

“You’re still up?” Abbie asked, refilling her own glass.

Rym let out a chuckle. “You’re going to laugh,” she said. “But I wasn’t entirely sure I could make it upstairs by myself.”

Abbie laughed. “And that’s just two drinks. Make sure you drink water or your head will really hurt tomorrow. No regrets, though, I hope?”

Rym shook her head. “It was time,” she said. 

Abbie nodded, and swallowed more water. 

“Sarah okay?” She asked. “I don’t really know her that well outside of class. She’s very quiet.”

Abbie sighed. “She’ll be okay. I think she just... picked the wrong person to sleep with.”

Rym blushed, and looked into her water glass, avoiding eye contact. Abbie reached for Rym’s empty glass and put the two glasses in the dishwasher, and leaned against the counter.

“Need me to help you upstairs?” Abbie asked. “I’ll hold you up so you don’t fall.” She winked.

Rym put her hands on the table and pushed herself up, wobbling a bit as she stepped back. “Actually... yes. I think I’ll take you up on that,” she said, meeting Abbie’s eyes. They both giggled.

“Okay,” Abbie said. “Come on, lightweight. I got ya.” She put her arm around Rym’s waist and froze. Suddenly she felt woozy again too.

They moved slowly up the stairs, and she escorted Rym right into her room, sitting her down on the edge of the bed.

“There ya go, safe and sound,” Abbie said. Rym hesitated as Abbie turned to go.

“Um, can I ask you something?” She asked, looking at her hands on her lap.

Abbie sat down next to her, and turned to look her in the eye. “Sure, shoot,” She said.

“Can I ask you for kind of a big favor?”

“Go ahead,” Abbie said. “I can’t promise I can do it, but it doesn’t hurt to ask.”

Rym blushed, struggling to find the words.

“Rym?” Abbie asked.

Finally, she met Abbie’s eyes. “I need your help to lose my virginity,” she said quietly, embarrassed.

“You want me to be your wing woman and set you up?” Abbie clarified.

Rym, bright red, looked down at her lap and shook her head slowly.

Abbie waited, and when Rym wouldn’t look at her, she touched her chin gently to force eye contact. “Are you... propositioning me? Are you asking me if I’ll have sex with you?” She asked quietly, searching Rym’s eyes.

Rym immediately clammed up. “No... I’m sorry. It was a stupid idea,” she backtracked.

Abbie looked at her, and took her hand and squeezed it. “You’ve had alcohol tonight, and you’re not used to it,” she said gently. “That is a conversation we would need to have completely sober. And we hve to remember that we need to put Safa first right now. She’ll need both of us, and we don’t want to screw that up.”

“No, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked,” Rym said. 

Abbie studied her. “It’s okay, Rym,” she said. “I’m not offended. I’m flattered. But that’s going to be an even bigger decision than the alcohol, and you need time to think about whether that’s what you really want.”

Rym nodded, avoiding Abbie’s eyes. “I just don’t want... a bad experience.”

Abbie patted her hand. “I understand,” she said gently. “I’ll let you get to bed.”

She got up, and Rym stood alongside her, still holding her hand. She let go, and as Abbie released her hand, she turned to her suddenly, looking, for the first time, almost shy. She watched Rym for a moment, the embarrassment fading off her face, and paused. Finally, she was able to speak.

“Would you like it if I kissed you?” She asked, barely above a whisper.

Rym looked surprised, but nodded, and they took a step closer to each other. She closed her eyes as Abbie put her hands on her waist, and her heart pounded. She could feel Abbie’s breath, and their chests brushed together. Time slowed down as Abbie brought a hand up to cup the side of her face, leaned in, and placed a very gentle kiss on her mouth. Rym leaned into it, and then, as quickly as it had begun, it was over. Abbie withdrew, and caressed her cheek before she turned to leave.

“Good night,” Abbie said, smiling at her. Rym put her fingers to her mouth, her eyes wide, and nodded. It was a few minutes before she was able to process and fall into bed, smiling.


End file.
